Disclaimer: The author does not not own nothing.

A/N: As a special Valentine's Day treat, the author is publishing a letter she recently received. No, there are no intense romantic moments involving various wind instruments, but the author hopes that you will enjoy this and look for Travesty 4, coming soon to a computer near you.

Special Valentine's Day Treat: Dear Author

Dear Author,

We cannot hide our hearts away

We come to kill you now, today.

You've killed our love and killed our lives

Now we're abused by our lovely wives (except Arwen, Éowyn, Boromir, and Legolas, who don't have wives, but that ruins the meter and rhyme scheme)

How dare you wreck our characters?

We're giving you death stare-ac-ters

(It's Arwen's fault, about the rhyme,

But she said she wrote poems in her spare time.)

Legolas, stop trying to write poetry

I'm better than you, which you know-e-try

Sure. Yeah. Okay.

See? He didn't write in verse

Now his line I shall dramatically curse

But Arwen, you cannot do magic

And anyway, that would be tragic

(For Legolas's descendants not to be seen

That would be really mean.)

Shut up, Aragorn. Nobody asked you. Why did we agree to make this stupid thing rhyme, anyway? Can any of us actually write poetry?

It was Pippin's idea!

It was? I don't remember suggesting it.

I sense a rapid degradation in quality here.

Fine, then you write it, Faramir.

Wait! Boromir, that rhymed! You write it!

Poetry is for girls.

What was the original purpose of this, anyway?

And Merry, why are you writing down everything we say?

You rhymed again! You're a natural!

Fine.

Eru, I hate poetry

But I hate slash more, this I know-e-try

Hey!

I already used that rhyme today!

This looks terrible.

Arwen, won't you go away?

Please, just get along.

What kind of a poem is that?

It sounds like it was regurgitated by a cat.

All right, look. What do we want to accomplish here?

We want to punish that stupid slash author!

Cor-rect! And we want to do it in…

Poem form!

Very good. Now, we shall sing to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Bit 'o Mithril–"

"Bit 'o Mithril?" That's a Dwarvish song, Faramir!

That's it. I'm leaving and getting a beer.

But Boromir!

You have a natural gift for verse!

To abandon it would be a curse!

Arwen already used verse-curse, Merry.

How about "This Old Hobbit?"

A perennial favourite.

Fine.

We hate slash, it's no fun

Don't play nick-nack and make us dumb

With a big-evil-pen-oh-you-are-really-cruel

Over random people don't make us drool.

I think that about sums it up. That and we're coming to kill you.

Much love,

Aragorn, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Éowyn, Arwen, Boromir, and Faramir

P.S. If you know what nick-nack is, can you please tell us?

P.P.S. Bilbo suggested this one: If you can answer this riddle when we get to your house, Aragorn won't behead you.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And if a woodchuck could chuck wood

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?