I Could Be
by
The Bell and the Black Dragon

Smart. Capable. Reliable.

Everyone calls me these things. I am these things. I should be happy. They are compliments, after all.

But they only see me for those characteristics. I know it. I can see it. They use me.

Reliable... it's good to be reliable, isn't it?

But when it comes down to it, is that all I will ever be? Reliable?

I'm tired. I a just so tired of helping everyone else. And getting nothing in return. And needing. I really need to be known, to be appreciated… I'd do anything to help them. I would. I really do love them…

But do they really see me?

No. They see weepy little Willow. A little pushover who can help out and never expects anything in return.

But now they've seen her. What I could be. So strong. Maybe she was evil. Maybe she was soulless... but she was strong. No one pushed her around. She was everything I was, because at one point in her life, she was me. And no one pushed her around. She was respected for her powers and her knowledge. No one dared use her.

It's ironic that she came today. Just when I snapped. Buffy told me I was reliable. And I find it ironic that the being came today, of all days, to show them all just how reliable I could be…

And she... she is what I could be. Everything I almost wish I was. People would respect her... or would they simply fear her? Is that different from respect? Is there a difference?

I want respect... but fear is acknowledging that there is something great that higher than yourself... something powerful, something that needs to be feared. I wonder if I would give my soul for it. For that feeling of being... truly appreciated for all I could be.

Oh, what am I thinking? Appreciated? Losing my soul for it?

Simple thanks might have gone a long way, I think, if I've been pushed as far as these thoughts. But no one ever thanks me. They use me for their own ends, and then wait until they need me again.

I wonder would I honestly do it? Lose my soul...afterwards, I would be happy. I wouldn't feel guilt once it was over. It's a fact. If you are a vampire, you have no soul, and if you have no soul, you feel no guilt. And… I have now seen what I would be if I were changed. I was strong, beautiful, deadly, and no one questioned that.

But no. There is a reason she belongs in a different world. Her own world. The reason? I couldn't. She didn't have a choice, when they turned her. Because if she had a choice, she would have said no, just as I would have, because before she was turned she WAS just like me. She was Willow Rosenberg. Then she lost her soul and became what she is.

But no matter how strong she is now… she would have said no. Because, in the end she was just Willow. In the end, I am also just Willow. The girl who cried because she broke the yellow crayon the first day of kindergarten and was too scared to tell anyone. I am just reliable, dependable, brainy Willow…

But… I could be.

x

Hi. Author here. I hope you enjoyed it. After seeing this as a re- run for the seven millionth time, I felt I had to do something... I've always been a lot like Willow, and this episode just captured me. Please tell me what you thought, or offer any critisisms.

Have a nice day,
-The Bell and the Black Dragon