MIXED SIGNALS AND SOAPY SOAP-OPERAS
She was going mad. Completely and utterly mad. If she were to hear one more sound, one more vowel pass between his lips… She would rip out his tongue and mail to his mother with ransom demands. She would do it. She could do it, but then she'd most likely get crushed… Not a nice way to go if she liked to go as a pancake.
She shook her head instead, counting to ten, and then twenty, then thirty, forty and fifty… Counting until she thought she would explode. Not another nice way to go especially when she needed to finish her damn project for her stupid photography class.
"I'm a little teapot…"
That was it. The slag had hit the fan and she was that metaphorical fan.
"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" she screamed, breaking her favourite pencil in half and getting to her feet. She glared heatedly at the Transformer in front of her, her hand twitching to inflict some kind of damage on said mech.
"AAARRHHGG!" she screamed, storming away, wishing that she could see the brighter side of life… or better yet, strangle the life out of something… Yeah, strangle. That would be good.
All she had to do now was find either Rad or Carlos and she would be right.
Karigan smiled, pulling out her latest bach of cookies. Chocolate chip cookies especially… An ancient trap used to lure out any lurking boys that got said maker of cookies seriously pissed off that morning. She was humming happily to herself, laughing when she saw white flour covering her left cheek in the surface of the oven.
"Bro, do you think she's still angry enough to get out her A.M.M.M.O.D and use it to hurt us…… Badly?" Zack asked his brother from their hiding place around the corner to the decrepit kitchen. He whimpered when the smell drifted lazilly to his nose, an intoxicating mixture of chocolate and … mmm… chocolate.
Ryan looked down at his brother and hit the back of his head. "Stop drooling! Wanna die by her A.M.M.M.O.D., then be my guest. But I'll take my chances here, in the relative safety of this dark, shadowy corner… She's waaay too chipper… Or sane… For my liking."
Zack looked from his brother to the tantalising cookies on the counter. He let out another whimper, feeling the phenominal pull of the cosmic cookies. He pulled himself to his feet and followed the smell, hearing his brother call to him in shock.
"It's okay bro… They're only cookies."
"Yeah, they're only cookies." Wheeljack grinned as he looked down at the full body cast of Zack, thanking the Pit that it was Zack and not him that Karigan had taken her frustration out on.
"Mffrge gofdes. KAFRGAN!" the muffled voice of Zack called out, making the mech laugh again.
Megatron looked up from his energon drink, nodding hello to his new companion. "Earthling females are highly dangerous and destructive." He said, taking a sip of his drink.
"You should have seen Alexis this morning with Rad. She was screaming on about something to do with Hot Shot being a 'Little Teapot'." Optimus laughed, ordering an Energon latte from a passing femme waitress.
"Karigan put Zack into a full body cast. She was screaming at him about not touching her things ever again and if he did he'd be worse than castrated." Megatron shook his head again.
"Females." They said in unison, getting on with their vacation on Cybertron.
Alexis looked at Karigan, both girls clinging to one another, each sharing their pain. "Why!" they screamed, throwing pop-corn at the TV and crying some more.
"Alex is an idiot! How could she let Mike go with that super-model, Britney, to a huge star party at a remote island! I mean, that's just asking for an affair!" Alexis screamed, reaching for a kleenex.
"What about Gill! SHE'S DYING!" Karigan cried, blowing her nose on another kleenex.
They sat there in the couch of their secret girls club-house, watching their favourite soap-opera, Between Jobs, which Alexis had said earlier that day 'was going to pots'.
But at another remote location somewhere in the Autobot base…
"She's dying and no one cares!" Hot Shot wailed, the deafening sound of someone blowing their boogers into a large hanky resounding around the lower levels of the base. He picked up the bowl of energon pop-corn and handed it to the next person before settling back down and watching the soapy.
"Tidal Wave care… Just got no tear ducts to cry." The said giant whimpered, doing the next best thing to crying… Eating. Taking his handful of food, he passed the bowl on, continuing the line of a seriously motley crew.
Next was Scavenger, optics riveted to the scene of a doctor sneeking into the room with a very large needle in hand. "At least he'll put her out of her misery." He muttered, passing the bowl further down.
Popcorn stuffed into his mouth, Squid-Head, er, Thrust crowed, punching the air with his fists. "Dmf mitch dmf!" which the crew translated as 'die, (b)itch, die'.
Popcorn bowl in hand, Sideswipe called out, protest ready to be voiced. "Hey! I like Gill!" He was silenced when he was bonked on the head by Jet Fire, the bowl ripped out of his hands.
"Shut up pip-squeak. The good bits starting." He said, pointing to the vid-screen where a doctor-doctor fight was going on. "Come on Sam! You doing it for the greater good! Kick his butt and save Gill!" a wary hand filled with pop-corn was stuffed into his mouth at that point, shutting him up and making Sideswipe nearly pee himself laughing.
The bowl was taken out of the now chocking mech's lap, the last person in line (and virtually sitting on the couch) was seething with anger, his optics twitching slightly at the fact that everyone had eaten all the pop-corn. Taking a deep breath and counting to ten, like his therapist had advised him, he felt himself calm down, but not enough.
Standing up and aiming his blaster at the large vid-screen, he grinned in triumph, still not satisfied. "Doctor Sam kicks Jack's aft and gives Gill the antidote. They marry and live happily every after."
Hot Shot stood up, ready to duke it out with Sideways. "Gee thanks for that!" he exclaimed, turning suddenly to comfort Sideswipe who was bawling his optics out at being told the ending of the soap-opera they had been watching.
Sideways laughed maniacally, pointing to the transformers gaping at him. He stopped and stood for a second, as if waiting for something. "I said, 'Mwuahahaha!'" he said, still waiting for something to happen. "Oh, for the love of Unicron."
He started to flap his arms wildly, and surprisingly he took off, hovering off the ground before disappearing in a puff of red smoke, the distinct echo of coughing following in the wake of his disappearance.
Hot Shot, Tidal Wave, Scavenger, Thrust, Sideswipe and Jet Fire just stared after him, before settling once again on the couch. They sat in collective silence, before Scavenger pulled out a remote and pressed a button which brought down another large vid-screen, the scene of two people embracing playing on the screen.
Thrust pouted, Tidal Wave blinked his optics trying to process the new information, Scavenger scoffed, Hot Shot comforted Sideswipe in his hour of need, all the while Jet Fire was grinning. "At least he didn't tell us what's happening in the rest of the other soap-operas."
"Alex finds out about Britney's intentions and goes to the island and crashes the party. She takes Mike back home where he proposes to her and they leave the show together. Britney sets her eyes on Doctor Sam and…" came the disembodied voice of Sideways, acting the part of voice-over for this story's, er I mean, soap-opera plot ruiner.
A collective gasp echoed around the base… and then…
Amity-Star: It feels good to write complete blather. Just something I came up with when all I've been doing at the apartment is watch Hungarian soap-operas and try to figure out what's happening in this new spanish soapy… I can only guess that someone slept with someone and that a dog or something has run away…
Hold it a sec, I think I hear something, or someone calling…
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SIDEWAYS!"