TOW Macbeth

Summary: Joey receives Monica and Chandler's help when he has an audition for the lead role in a production of William Shakespeare's Macbeth. One Shot Season Five

A/N: Really have no idea where this little bit of inspiration came from. We're starting Hamlet in class, so for some reason I started thinking how funny it would be if Joey tried do a Shakespearian play. Since we haven't done Hamlet yet, I decided to use Macbeth, which I did last year.

"Joey…why are you eating McDonald's at seven in the morning?"

At Chandler's question, Joey glanced up from his meal on the island. "Well, my usual answer to that would be, 'why not,' but I actually do have a good reason this time."

"And that would be?" Intrigued, Chandler took a seat facing his best friend.

"Well," Joey began to answer around a mouthful of a double cheeseburger. "Estelle got me an audition for this play, Macbeth, so I figured –"

Seeing where Joey was going with this, Chandler interrupted, "Macbeth is not the same as McDonald's just because they sound similar."



"Aw man, so I wasted ten bucks for nothing?" Groaning, Joey plunked the burger back on the wrapper. Thinking, he picked it up again, "Hey, it's still food."

"Right," Chandler rubbed his eyes, unfazed by the early dose of insanity. "So what are you going to do about the audition?"

"I'll have to look over it real quick before I go today. I didn't bother rehearsing since all I thought I'd be doing was eating."

"Didn't that seem like an extremely easy part for the lead role…" Remembering he was talking to a man who named his recliner Rosita, Chandler stopped himself. "Anyway, about the part, I think you're going to want to rehearse a little more. Shakespeare wrote Macbeth four hundred years ago."

Joey grinned. "Great! It's so old that nobody will probably notice if I fudge a few lines."

Resisting the growing urge to smack his head on the island, Chandler recited, "'I am settled, and bend up/Each corporal agent to this terrible feat/Away, and mock the time with fairest show/False face must hide what the false heart doth know.'"

Joey jumped back, offended. "Yo, dude, just 'cause I made fun of your favorite writer person doesn't mean you have to curse me out!"

Chandler shook his head, "What?"

"What was that, cursing in a foreign language or something?" Joey guessed. "I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded nasty."

Chandler raised an eyebrow. "Wow, Shakespeare really must have been a literary genius to be able to convey mood to you."

A half hour later, Monica, still in her pajamas, came through Chandler's bedroom door into the living room, "Chandler, where have you been? I've been waiting for you to get the whipped cream for ages…" She trailed off when she noticed that Joey was also in the room. "Um, what I meant was –"

"Look, what you two do in your spare time is your business," Joey assured her from his recliner. "And I'll forget the whole thing. If you help me with this audition."

"Sure, what's it for?" Monica asked, taking a seat next to her boyfriend on the couch.

"Macbeth," Chandler explained, his tone exasperated. "For the past thirty minutes he's been trying to get through the second line. Saying, 'In thunder, lightening, or in rain' is not that hard!" He yelled at Joey.

"I'm sorry! I can't get the order right," Joey defended. "Ok, here we go, 'When shall we three meet again/in lightening, rain, or thunder…aw crap!"

Taking the copy of the script Chandler held in his had, Monica questioned, "You're going for the role of 'First Witch'?"

"No, the audition is for Macbeth." Joey explained. "Hey! The name of the play is the same as the king dude!"

"You're just realizing that…" Again figuring it wasn't worth it, Chandler turned to Monica, "Anyway, it's for Macbeth, but every actor has to know the first scene."

"Yeah, something about wanting to see who can act the same set of lines the best, I don't know." Grabbing the script from Monica, Joey recited, "'That will be ere the set of sun/Where the place' – wait, are these hot witches?"

"Why does it matter?" Chandler inquired, exasperated.

Joey shrugged. "Well, I think I'd be able to focus more if these were hot witches. Like on Charmed. Hell, even Sabrina got to be hot in the later seasons."

Rolling her eyes, Monica replied, "No, Joey, these are ugly, old evil hags. Deal with it."

"Don't have to be so mean about it…" Joey muttered. "Ok, 'Upon the heath' – what's a heath?"

"A dry piece of land," Chandler informed him.

"Really?" Joey wrinkled his brow. "Looks like a dirty word to me."

"I was in Macbeth senior year of high school," Chandler revealed, "Trust me, that's what it means."

"You were?" Monica asked, surprised.

"Yeah," Chandler grimaced, "My tights ripped the night of the performance so I had to borrow my dad's."

"Right. Now, 'There to meet with Macbeth – that's me! – I come, Gray…g-graym-a-a –"

"Graymalkin," Chandler pronounced.

"Yeah," Joey stared at him blankly, then tossed the script in the corner. "You know what, screw it, I wasn't wearin' tights anyway."