This short-short was prompted into existence by a newspaper article I was reading about the metrosexual male and waxing.
It's an encouragement Fic for Maven Cree to write more of her "Beautiful Ones" story which you can find on under Nightwing
Kill Me Now
By Jacque Koh
"You're doing what for the BHPD?"
Dick sighed at his adopted father's shocked face. "There's been several murders in Bludhaven and--" He glared at the manila envelope he had in his hand. "I got the short straw.
"Anyway-- I thought you should know in case… Well-- in case someone finds out and--" Dick shuffled his feet as he looked away; his face was deeply flushed with embarrassment as he tucked the envelope under an arm.
"Tries to link the Wayne heir to--" Bruce coughed before grabbing his mug of coffee to take a long drink before he lost it.
Dick glanced up at his father and frowned. "You're smirking."
"I am not." Bruce swore silently to himself that he had better control than that.
"You had better not tell Babs or Tim." Dick growled at him.
"Tell me what?" Tim bounced down the stairs of the Batcave.
"Tell me what?"
"Maybe when you're older…"
"Bruce!" Dick unfolded his arms and took a menacing step towards where his father sat at the bat computers. That, he discovered was a bad move.
"What's this?" Tim spotted his chance and swiped the manila envelope Dick had been clutching in his hand.
"Tim! Give that bac--"
Tim stared at the object he'd tipped out into his hand. He could have called it underwear, but the word engendered something with a lot more cloth than this-- thing warranted.
"Oh, God. Kill me now."
No, Dick's superior officer in the Bludhaven Police Department should be killed for this, Bruce decided. The humour of the entire situation evaporated in the actual face of what his son would be wearing in front of a crowd of-- "Dick... You are not prancing about stage in--"
"You've got a case in a strip joint?" Tim squeaked. If he had only heard it, it would have been hilarious, but looking at this tiny-- thing...
"It's not like I had any choice in this." Dick snatched the scrap of cloth out of Tim's limp hands.
"Dick, you're not wearing that!" Bruce thundered behind him. Not that it was much good when Dick and Tim weren't paying very much attention to him.
"Dude... This is-- obscene." Tim looked like he wanted to poke at the scrap of cloth which Dick was distastefully holding between two fingers but was afraid to.
"That's the whole idea." Dick completely missed Bruce's stormy expression of protectiveness while he glared at the item which he'd snatched back from Tim. "This is the final uniform. At the least, it's something. I could have ended up in the buff."
"Man--" Tim winced in sympathy. "You're going to have to shave, won't you?"
"Worse--" Dick stared at it mournfully. "I'll need a Brazilian."
It took a second or two for his meaning to sink in. "Oooowwwww!" Tim's hands flew protectively over his crotch. "You mean men actually wax there too?"
Dick nodded with a sigh.
"What?" He frowned at the expression on his father's face. "Bruce? I am a full grown man with over ten years of unarmed combat experience, and not a virginal, teenage girl. I'd thank you to remember that."
"I never allowed you to do Vice work while you were Robin." He told his son stonily.
"Bruce." Dick gave him an exasperated glare as he dropped his 'costume' back in the manila envelope. "It's not like I won't have back up. I--"
"And just how effective are the BHPD at backup?" Dick winced at his harshness, but he had to admit that his father had a point about the BHPD's reputation. "Furthermore, wearing just-- just-- You have no place to hide concealed weapons or--" Bruce turned determinedly back to his computers. "We're asking Oracle to lend us--"
"Hell no!" Dick blanched. "I don't want anyone who knows me watching--"
Bruce didn't pay him a lick of attention as his hands flew over the keys to pull up the Bludhaven Police Case files and zero in on the reports of the five male strippers who had been found murdered and mutilated. Dick shuddered as he recognised the tight set in Bruce's jaw which told him that his father wasn't going to be swerved from his plans.
"Oracle should be able to lend us Dinah... Cassandra-- No!
"Selina could be persuadable... Diana might agree to a favour, I could probably pique her interest in observing..."
"Great... Just... great. Batman's going to get Black Canary, Catwoman and Wonder Woman to watch me strip." Dick looked mournfully towards Tim who was bent over and giggling madly as he started to see the humour in the situation. "Kill me now."
Thanks for reading,