Disclaimer: I own neither "Troy" nor Transformers
AN: Historical references to the Greeks sexual habits of incest and homosexuality.
"Um… Achilles, why are you throwing flaming spears at those target that have an uncanny resemblance to Giant robots from the future?" Eudorus asked his leader.
"I'm preparing to retrieve my cousin from those evil giant robots," Achilles said simply.
"Umm, my lord… your cousin is in Troy with Hector"
"No he's not," Achilles said stubbornly.
"Yes he is. He even sent you this "Greetings from the Royal Palace of Troy" card" Eudorus held up a card with a picture of Patroclus hanging out with the royal family(minus Hector's wife) in the royal swimming pool. "I had no idea that Priam looked so disgusting in a thong" Eudorus shivered, putting the card away.
"No! My cousin is not gay and in a relationship with Hector! He wouldn't leave me like that," Achilles whimpered.
"Actually you dumped him for Briseis. Remember?"
"No I didn't. I just wanted to try something new"
"Plus I think Patroclus is tired of incest"
"It's not incest! We're third cousins! It's only incest if we are first cousins!"
"But his father is you father's brother" Eudorus pointed out.
"I have a father?" Achilles looked totally surprised.
"Yeah. Isn't he a king or something?"
"I don't know. They only mentioned my mother in the movie."
"Hey Rad, that dimensional rift thingy opened up again" Sideswipe told the boy, who was eating Chinese food with his father and grandmother.
"How'd you get back from the ghost walk?" Rad asked since his grandmother and he had just left an hour ago and brought food back to the base for his dad.
"Blurr and I drove back. Have you seen Hot Shot and Optimus?" Sideswipe asked.
"Uhh… they decided to go on the tour again," Rad said.
"Ok" Sideswipe bought the paper-thin excuse.
"So what were you saying about the dimensional rift?"
"Wonder what's coming through it" Rad wondered aloud.
"COUSIN!" a very masculine voice cried out.
"Oh god no!" Rad cried out as he was scooped up into a crushing hug.
"Achilles?" Eris looked surprised to see him.
"Eris?" Achilles looked just as surprised to see her.
"You know this guy Mom?" Koji asked surprised. "Hey where are you going with my son!" Koji yelled at Achilles who was trying to sneak away with Rad.
"My cousin" Achilles said, hugging Rad tighter.
"Choking- not- breathing" Rad choked.
"How do you know Achilles?" Koji asked his mother again.
"I kind of started the Trojan War" Eris sounded a little ashamed.
"I had a bad break up ok" Eris was blushing now.
"With who?" Koji asked.
"Um, let's just say you were almost half Sun God"
"Ewww. Does Dad know about this?"
"He doesn't have room to talk. He dated Medusa"
"Hey where'd Achilles go with Rad?" Sideswipe asked. Achilles had vanished with the boy.
"He won't hurt Rad, will he?" Koji asked.
"No, Achilles loved his cousin. If he thinks Rad is Patroclus then Rad will be fine"
"Why won't you eat cousin?" Achilles asked.
"1) I'm not your cousin 2) I don't eat Octopus" Rad said looking warily at the eight-legged creature on his plate. It had already attacked him once leaving red marks on his wrist from its suckers. Achilles apparently didn't consider a dinner good unless you had to stab it a few times in self-defense.
"But we always eat Octopus before a battle" Achilles said.
"I'm beginning to see why Patroclus ran off with Hector" Rad sighed.
"So how do we get Rad away from Achilles?" Koji asked his mother.
"It won't be easy. Achilles was fiercely protective of Patroclus and if he thinks Rad is Patroclus then…" she shrugged.
"How'd he get away last time?"
"Achilles was tired so he had Rad lead the army. After the battle was won Rad jumped through a dimensional rift"
"Who let's a thirteen year old lead an army?" Koji asked incredulous.
"Achilles" Eris said simply.
"My lord, a strange man is approaching the camp" Eudorus announced entering the tent.
"Oooooh, someone new to kill!" Achilles exclaimed throwing Rad, who he been holding so he couldn't escape during dessert (Shark eggs and live cobra), into the air. Luckily he landed on the bed. Unluckily Briseis was sleeping on the bed.
"AHHHH!" they both screamed as they scrambled away from each other, falling off opposite sides of the bed in the process.
"Someone's coming to die" Achilles repeated giddily.
"I thought you turned him into a pacifist" Rad complained to Briseis.
"Leopard can not change its stripes" Briseis sighed. Rad wondered if there were leopards around here since Briseis didn't seem to know that they had spots, not stripes. Achilles lifted his sword and ran outside. "Let's go see what's going on". The two miserably followed Achilles outside to see the new comer.
"Dad?" Rad was surprised to see his father.
Rad glared at his father. "Why didn't you stop him?" Rad asked pointing at Achilles.
"Your grandmother was shocking me with an interesting story about her relationship with Apollo and your grandfather's relationship with a gorgon" Koji shivered at the metal images he kept getting.
"That's what I said"
"You here to die?" Achilles asked Koji.
"No I'm here to get my son" Koji said walking towards Rad.
"MY COUSIN!" Achilles jumped in between them.
"My son" Koji emphasized.
Achilles stared at him hard for a minute. "UNCLE" He yelled hugging Koji.
"Uhh… yeah… we'll go with that," Koji said. "Nephew … I need to take my son home. He's Uhh in danger here"
"You want to take Patroclus away from me?" Achilles looked to be on verge of tears.
"Then you FIGHT!" Achilles tossed a spear to Koji, and then charged.
"Aww crap" Koji muttered ducking. "Think. What was this guy's weakness? I know he has an Achilles heel somewhere" Koji thought about what he'd just said and then slapped his forehead. "I've been spending to much time around the Autobots," he muttered. Then threw his spear at Achilles ankle.
"Ow! My Achilles heel!" Achilles yelled.
"My Son!" Thetis cried.
"He has a mom?" Koji asked Eudorus.
"Yes. She said to be a goddess or something similar" Eudorus answered.
"Maybe we should leave now Dad" Rad suggested.
"Yeah" Koji replied.
"I'LL HAVE YOU ROASTED ON A SPIT!" Thetis yelled.
"Fly Dad!" Rad yelled. Koji transformed into his hybrid archangel/demon form, grabbed his son and flew toward Troy.
"Prince Hector! There's a giant creature flying toward Troy. What should we do?" the sentry asked.
"Well I would tell you to shoot it. But since you asked in front of my father the answer your probably going to get is-" Hector was cut off.
"It's a sign from the gods!" Priam cried nearly falling off his throne.
"See?" Hector said.
"What? I was having a nice dream about that fallen Archangel burning Troy to the ground" Priam said.
"1) How does that qualify as a good dream? And 2) that wasn't a dream, it happened last week" Hector said.
"Yes. And I got to look down that other Archangel's shirt when she saved me from a fiery death" Priam sighed happily.
"And then she slapped you and dropped you forty feet to the ground. Then when you survived you said it was a sign from the gods that she should marry you and become the next queen of Troy" Patroclus said rocking Hector's son in his arms.
"Yes right after Hector's wife accidentally fell into the inferno despite you both being right next to her", Priam said icily to the two. They both gulped visibly.
"Hey, the flying things here" the sentry said as Koji landed.
"I resent being called a flying thing. I'm a half demon, half Archangel" Koji stated.
"What?" Eris asked, appearing next to Priam.
"You came back!" Priam squealed jumping to hug her.
"Hey hands off my Mom" Koji yelled at the old man.
"Huh?" Eris asked.
"Oh yeah, my Mom stayed in our time. So you don't know me yet," Koji said to his surprised mother.
"Ok. Can I ask who your father is?" Eris asked looking at his demonic features somewhat worriedly.
"Hisao Onishi" He said reluctantly, knowing his parents hadn't always been on good terms.
"Did somebody call me" a younger Dr. Onishi appeared.
"Go away" Eris said, glaring at him while summoning her spear ax.
"Hi Dad" Koji said.
Young Dr. Onishi looked at Koji, then smiled. "Eris, didn't I tell you we'd make handsome children?" he said.
"Didn't I tell you that if you ever said that again that I'd make sure that you'd never be able to produce any offspring" Eris said raising her ax in his direction.
"I still need to be conceived so could you leave those attached?" Koji asked as his mother advanced on his father.
Eris stopped and glared at her future husband. "Alright. For now at least" she said.
"The dimensional rifts back" Rad who was still cradled in his father's arms said.
"Ok. See ya in a few thousand years" Koji yelled to his parents before jumping through the portal.
"Whew. He's not going to be born for another thousand years" Eris sighed in relief.
"That doesn't mean we can have a couple millennia of fun trying" Hisao said seductively.
Koji stuck his head back throught the rift. "Actually, I'm concieved next week"
"Why didn't you wait for me?" Hisao asked his son who had just came back through the rift.
"Mom didn't like you all that much in that time period" Koji said setting Rad down.
"She only ever threatened to cut my balls off. She never actually tried it though," He informed them. They shuddered.
"I remember that day," Eris laughed. "You were using the corniest pickup lines I'd ever heard".
"Were they worse than Priam's?" Hisao asked.
"No" she admitted.
"Wanna goes see what's left of the royal palace?" He asked her.
"And maybe try for that daughter we always wanted?"
"Gee, I feel so loved," Koji said sarcastically. His parents ignored him.
"And have that couple millenia of fun trying, since Koji came along so soon?"
"For that I recommend Venice" Eris said teleporting out with her husband.
"Ewwwwww!" Rad and Koji said disgusted.