Beyond The Gate ... And Further
Author: Gothic Spook (Nicola) and CharmingStar (Alex)
Rating: PG-13 just to be safe.
Category: We don't know... (Pretends to ponder) ... HUMOUR!
Summery: Most of the characters over all Stargate and Stargate Atlantis seasons are here. Everything you ever wanted to see happen, and all the things that they didn't want you to know about them. Gothic spook and CharmingStar come together to put the character on the spot ... lots of name calling, bitch fights, punching, yelling, embarrassing moments ... basically all the products of two friend' strange minds ... our minds (evil laughter).
Disclaimer: If you recognise it, we do not own it!
Spoilers: Everything just to be safe!
Archive: Anywhere that wants it, just e-mail us and let us know!
Feedback: Love it, always welcome!
Dedication: Our school for having the day off due to snow where we started to write this :)

Part 1

"Whoa, look at the arse on him!"

"Nicola, try and stay focused, we have a show to do, keep your eyes off of the cameraman, especially his arse." Alex says as she steps in front of Nicola's view.

"Five minutes people." Steve the director called out.

"Ok, thanks Steve! Oh my god I can't wait to see Daniel!" Alex said as she flushes.

"Jonas is way cuter." Nicola argued.

"Daniel."

"Oh come on! Daniel died! That is just sick!"

"Which makes him oh so much cuter."

"Jonas!"

"Daniel!"

"Jonas!"

The director calls them over on to the set and the argument fades as they take their places ready to begin.

Meanwhile backstage in SG-1's dressing room...

"Why the hell did we agree to do this?" Jack shouted at no one in particular as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"Well it can't possibly be that bad." Daniel calmly replies as he puts on his jacket.

"Did you see Nicola and her X-Files talk show? She embarrassed the hell out of them!"

"No I didn't, but it can't be as bad as you're making it out to be." Daniel answered.

"She bought their moms out with BABY PICTURES!" Jack practically yelled.

"You can't be serious, well what happened to the guests afterwards?" Sam said now very afraid of what was yet to come.

"Do I look I'm kidding?" It was a rhetorical question. "They all ended up in therapy, and its worst this time!" Jack said with fear clearly present in his voice.

"How so?" Jonas asked.

"She has her friend with her, and they are just as insane as each other."

"Ah crap." Sam said now thinking that this is the worst thing that they could have ever agreed on doing.

"Ok we are ready for you know." Called Steve as he opened the door to their dressing room. "And you better hurry the girls are already arguing."

"And that's not good?" Sam asked as she walked out of the dressing room, following Steve.

"Well the saying leading the lambs to the slaughter comes to mind." Steve says as he leads them towards the set.

"Oh this is so not good." Jack says as he follows the rest.

Back on set...

Steve walks next to the cameraman and calls to the girls.

"Ok ladies we are on in 5...4...3...2...1."

"Hello and welcome to our show 'Beyond the gate...'" Alex started

"And further. We have an exciting show for you today, everything you wanted to see happen."

"And everything THEY didn't want you to see will be revealed. Now lets bring out the guests. First we have Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter." Alex announced. As Jack and Sam made their way to their seats there were a lot of wolf whistles for Jack, who were mostly old women who were fans of MacGuyver.

"Next we have Jonas Quinn, Dr Daniel Jackson and Teal'c... who doesn't seem to have a surname." Nicola announced. All the women in the audience, and even a few men, were screaming their names. Nicola and Alex turn to the audience,

"Hey, back off they're ours!" Everyone shuts up as they see that they mean business, as the men of SG-1 give each other a look of total fear. Nicola and Alex turn back to the guests smiling sweetly, almost evilly.

"Now what shall we talk about first?" Alex pretends to ponder.

"Oh wait I know... Love interests." Nicola suggests evilly to Alex.

"Ok now lets start this with the most up and down love interest in the entire series of Stargate ... Jack and Sam." Alex announces as cheers erupt from the audience.

"Crap." Jack and Sam said in unison.

"Your relationship is forbidden but that is what makes it so interesting. When would say it all began." Nicola asked

"We don't what you're talking about." They said way to quick to be believable.

"Oh don't play dumb with us, we know what you're feeling." Alex replied rolling her eyes.

"How the hell would you know?" Jack asked

"We know everything." The two girls replied in unison with evil grins plastered on their faces. Jack and Sam' faces paled considerably.

"Okay, now back to topic, when would you say it all began ... Jack?" Nicola asked, he didn't answer straight away but gave into the looks that they were giving him.

"Okay! Okay, I would have to say that it would had to have begun when she was had to wear that blue dress on the planet Simarka where women were slaves, and oh that tank top when she became primitive..." He says as he closes his eyes and fantasises.

"EW!" Sam yells out "You said you didn't remember anything." He yells at Jack.

"I lied." He replies, still with his eyes closed

"Ok Jack open your eyes, you're starting to drool ... SOMEBODY GET THE DROOL BUCKET!" Nicola shouted to not anyone in particular and a bucket was placed at Jacks feet. He opens his eyes, sees the bucket and gives her a sarcastic look. "Don't give that look buddy, you were drooling." Nicola stated

"Was not!" Jack defended.

"She is correct O'Neill, I saw some of your saliva on your chin." Teal'c backed Nicola up.

"Okay, we're getting off topic here." Alex says. "Your relationship has grown throughout the entire series, why don't you just confess to each other how you really feel right now?"

"Uh ... Sam ... I know it's against regulations but ... I... well ... I ... um ... love you." The audience go aaw. Sam is a little shocked ... but she soon gets over that.

"I love you too." And with that they instantly fall into each others arms and their lips are instantly drawn to one another's in a long passionate kiss.

"Oh for goodness sake! Couldn't you have waited until the commercial break?" Alex yells, they instantly pull apart and sit back down, breathing heavily from the emotions that kiss stirred up. "Now another popular love interest but not often shown on screen but talked about quite a lot off screen... well everybody loves it... except me" Alex mumbles under her breath.

"Lets bring out our next guest." Nicola yelled. "Dr Janet Jackso ... Fraiser!"

"Oh she wishes." Alex muttered under her breath as she as stomped and sat down in her chair crossing her arms like a little child who didn't get what she wanted. Janet came on stage, smiling, and sat down on one of the empty chairs.

"Ok, welcome Janet... umm... Alex are you gonna help me with the questions?" Nicola asked noticing Alex sitting in the corner sulking like a little child.

"No, I'm not, I'm gonna sit here and wait for Janet to say that she doesn't like Daniel. Look Janet I think you're great, I cried like a baby when you died, but Daniel is mine." She said standing up.

"Umm, well thanks. I think" Janet said looking confused.

"Ok well Janet, do you like Daniel?" Nicola asked.

"Well I do like Daniel but there were always some problems between us, first my strict commitments at the SGC, and then Cassandra, but then there was also Daniel's commitments. You know like always being off world, getting knocked unconscious, dieing, ascending, coming back, then ascending again, these are all things that could ruin a relationship. Oh and his over obsession with coffee." Janet explained.

"I do not have a coffee obsession!" Daniel exclaimed looking outraged, obviously in denial.
"Daniel, we left two jars of coffee granules in the dressing room for you lot to make coffee with. We saw you on the monitors EATING both jars without even putting the kettle on. If that is not obsessment I don't know what is!" Nicola clarified.

"Ok thank you Janet for coming in, we will let you go and enjoy your afterlife now." Alex said happier with the developments.

"Ok then, bye bye." Janet replied then disappeared in a mystical white light. Alex then turned to Daniel.

"Now Daniel, why are you so damn HOT?" She asked.

"Um ... I..." Daniel stutters a little stunned.

"Cough Jonas Cough." Nicola subtly interrupts Daniel.

"Daniel!"

"Jonas!"

"DANIEL BITCH!"

"JONAS WHORE!" Alex punches Nicola and she retaliates by slapping Alex hard across the cheek. They roll around the floor, fighting over who is fitter. While Jack is a little bit taken back by the fact that he has not been included in this fight.

"HEY! What about me?" He asked, interrupting them.

"Well we both think you're hot, so we don't need to fight over that." Alex turns back to Nicola; Alex has her hands around her throat. "DANIEL!"

"Ladies! LADIES! BREAK it up!" Steve yelled. "We have a show to do!" Then he indicates silently that there is a break in a couple of minutes. Nicola and Alex get up off of the floor and stand in front of the camera.

"Thank you for watching the first part of the show, stay tuned for more after the commercial break." Alex says.

"And remember, if you have any topic requests or questions you want answered don't hesitate to call in with your requests. See you after the break."

"And CUT!" Steve yells.

"JONAS!" Nicola yells and punches Alex; they continue their fight from before.

"Now all we're missing is the mud." Jack comments as he looks on at the two hosts fighting.

"Hey Jack, you know how they told us to wait for the commercial break?" Sam asks, licking her lips seductively. Jack grabbed her hand and pulled her into the dressing room, locking the door behind him.

Nicola gets up off of the floor before Alex has a chance to pull her down again.

"First Doggett and Reyes, now Jack and Sam, What is it and the dressing room?" She turns her attention to the dressing room. "YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES BEFORE I GO AND GET THE HOSE ... AND YOU KNOW I MEAN IT!"