Title: Elladan's Grand Plan
Rating: K+ (comic violence)
Summary: Elladan has a Plan, a Grand Plan for ridding the palace of Belegdur's attitude. Will his plan succeed, or will he accidentally unleash a force more terrible (or more cheerful) than Middle-Earth has ever seen?
Disclaimer: I do not own Elladan or the five elves who guest-star in this episode. I do, however, own Belegdur...but you wouldn't want him, would you?
Note: Belegdur is an OC who made his debut in Beginnings. It's certainly not necessary that you read that story first, but it might help.
AN: This is just an insane plotbunny that's been racing around my head for a while now, courtesy of a comment Chld-of-Sorrow made for Beginnings. And, of course, my sick and twisted mind ran with it. Also partly inspired by an episode of Third Rock--the one where they kept hitting Harry over the head with a frying pan. Watch out, the story goes a little fast.
Episode I: Sense and Senselessness
Elladan crouched behind the corner of the cross-corridor, club in hand. He was waiting for his prey: Prince Belegdur.
The middle of the three princes of Mirkwood was well-known for many things...such as his foul temper and tendency to verbally assault the youngest prince of the family, Legolas—who just happened to be one of Elladan's closest friends. And, as many elves who had at one point or another teased Elrohir, Estel, or Legolas may attest; one does not mistreat one of Elladan's friends without receiving just recompense.
So Elladan had a Plan...a Grand Plan to knock some sense into Belegdur's overly-thick head.
Granted, clubbing the stuck-up prince probably wouldn't accomplish much, and when Belegdur regained consciousness he would likely be just as much of a pain as he was before but it would certainly make Elladan feel better.
And thus Elladan was lying in wait—well, hiding in wait—to put his plan into action.
He heard Belegdur coming. It was very easy to hear Thranduil's third-born child approach because all conversation around him abruptly ceased as though the other elves were afraid of becoming targets for his barbarous tongue should they be caught conversing idly. Indeed, the birds of the forest were known to fall silent in Belegdur's presence because, as rumors had it, he had once scolded them for singing merrily while he himself was in a foul mood.
Elladan could practically hear Belegdur's grumpy thoughts as he rounded the corner. The son of Elrond swung his club with most of his might—not all of his might as he didn't want to decapitate the prince—and struck the royal, self-absored pain in the neck right on the side of the head.
Belegdur blinked, stumbling back. "What did you do that for?" he asked, a puzzled and slightly hurt look on his face.
The dark-haired elf could only stare. Hadn't he just hit the prince with most of his might? Why was the prince still speaking to him instead of collapsed unconscious on the floor? Had the blow to the head actually made Belegdur a civil elf?
"I mean, I know I don't like to make toys like the rest of the elves, but couldn't you just let me be a dentist instead of striking me?"
Now Elladan was completely lost. "What?" he managed to say, intelligently.
"Didn't you come all the way down here to tell me I had to get back to work making toys?" Belegdur asked.
"What do you mean?" Elladan nearly shouted, exasperated. "Who are you?"
Belegdur frowned in puzzlement. "Why, I'm Herbie. Oh, please don't send me back to the Island of Misfit Toys!"
Elladan shook his head in bewilderment. Then, not knowing anything else to do, he clouted the older elf with the club yet again, and managed to knock Belegdur to the ground.
Belegdur shook his head and squinted at Elladan. "Wow!" he shouted, jumping to his feet and grabbing the twin elf in an embrace, spinning him around. "I'm not adopted after all! I knew I belonged here!"
Elladan shrieked in a manner vaguely reminiscent of a twelve-year-old human female. "Put me down, you idiot!" he shouted.
The blonde elf immediately complied, looking quite subdued. "I'm sorry, I was just so happy to see another elf my size I got a little carried away. I've been the biggest elf here for so long...I was sure Papa had made a mistake and now I've got proof!"
The younger elf could only fume, unable to counter Belegdur's statement. "What are you talking about?" he asked, wondering why his Grand Plan was failing so miserably. Shouldn't Belegdur be sensible—or at least unconscious—by now?
"Oh, I didn't introduce myself," Belegdur grinned, sticking his hand out. "I'm Buddy, and I'm so glad you're here! Now that I'm not the only really tall elf here I'm sure they'll let me stay!"
Elladan ignored the proffered hand and groaned. It seemed instead of becoming a more sensible, kinder—or at least unconscious—elf, Belegdur was having a crisis of identity. So Elladan did the only thing he could think of—he clubbed Belegdur over the head again.
The prince collapsed against the wall with a groan. Concerned that he might have caused some damage this time—and wondering why, after three such hits, Belegdur had yet to black out—Elladan reached out a hand to steady the elf. "Belegdur?" he asked.
Belegdur gave him a strange look. "You're not drunk on Eggnog again, are you?"
Elladan blinked. "What?" he asked, wondering what Eggnog was. Perhaps some vintage of the king's wine?
"Bernard," Belegdur said.
"What?" Elladan asked again, beginning to feel slightly stupid for being so confused.
"My name is Bernard. You must be drunk. What did you call me? Bereg-door?"
"Um...yes?" the twin shook his head. "What is going on?" he asked no one in particular.
"Shouldn't you be in the factory?" Belegdur—that is, Bernard—asked.
"Yes, it's nearly time for Claus to return so we need to be sure we're on schedule. He was a little tense last year, so it would be nice if things went smoothly for him now."
Belegdur rolled his eyes. "Santa Claus? Big jolly guy in a red suit—you can't miss him."
This is becoming a habit, Elladan thought, as he clouted Belegdur again.
The blonde elf fell to the ground, whimpering. "Thank you, kind master," he whimpered, groveling and pawing near Elladan's feet.
Elladan reflexively took a step away. "Thank me for what?"
Belegdur looked up, a pitiful expression in his brown eyes. "Thank you for punishing Dobby, Sir. Dobby deserved it."
"Yes, Sir. Dobby the House Elf."
This was getting nowhere. "House Elf?"
"If you please, Sir, Dobby must return to his family before he ruins his master's dinner."
Elladan felt a little sorry for the groveling elf—though it was quite the nice change from Belegdur's normal attitude. "Wait, er, Dobby. I have to, um, hit you one more time?" Drat, that wasn't going to work.
Belegdur looked up with an even more pitiful expression. "Thank you, Sir," he whimpered, cowering down.
Feeling like the biggest bully ever, but knowing that there would indeed be trouble in Mirkwood if one of her princes began crawling around thanking those who stepped on him and trying to cook dinner, Elladan again brought the club across Belegdur's skull.
The blonde elf collapsed, and Elladan was finally feeling guilty for instigating his Grand Plan. Suppose he accidentally caused actual damage or killed the prince?
Suddenly, Belegdur sprang up with a giggle.
"Belegdur?" Elladan asked.
The prince just giggled again, and started skipping about the hall, singing something about a "Loverly Spring" at the top of his lungs.
"Hello," Belegdur said with a giggle, interrupting his song at some part about squirrels singing along, or maybe it was the part about spring being the springiest time of the year.
"I like making new friends," Belegdur commented with a giggle, hugging Elladan tightly. "What's your name?"
"...Elladan?" the twin replied, unable to handle the violent personality swings Belegdur was experiencing.
"Nice to meet you Elladan! I'm The Littlest Elf!"
If he hadn't been so shocked, Elladan would have laughed. Belegdur was certainly not the littlest elf in the palace, though he seemed to think he was. But why was he giggling and singing about chip, chittery chipmunks all in a row?
Elladan was just starting to think this change might be for the better when Belegdur began to sing his little song for the third time. Once it was startling, twice it was funny, but thrice it was getting annoying. Elladan paled at the thought of the prince cavorting about Mirkwood singing this song for the rest of eternity, and for the sake of his own sanity as well as the sanity of every other being in Middle-Earth, he brought up his club and whacked Belegdur once again.
Belegdur collapsed to the ground, and this time he didn't get right back up.
Elladan anxiously bent over the prince. Was Belegdur back to normal?
"What do you think you're doing?" the prince fumed, seeing Elladan's face so close to his own.
Barely managing to repress another shriek, Elladan jumped back and fell into an ungraceful heap on the floor. "Belegdur?" he asked.
The blonde elf glared. "Who were you expecting?"
Herbie, Buddy, Bernard, Dobby, or the Littlest Elf, Elladan thought. "I-I...no one?"
Belegdur glared at Elladan coldly. "Bad enough that you pollute my brother with your savage ways, must you also assault me? I shall inform my father of this and see if this time he agrees to have you, your twin, and that useless human exiled from Mirkwood. Perhaps if you leave us be for a century Legolas can finally mature into the prince he ought to be. It is a shame, really, when I think how his choice of friends debases his position, and how he constantly—"
The prince never finished his tirade, as Elladan decided to give his Grand Plan one more shot.
This time he finally succeeded in knocking some sense into the prince.
That is, he succeeded in knocking Belegdur unconscious.
And, all things considered, wasn't that the same thing?
Reviews? Flames? Tar and Feathers?
(Herbie is from Rudolph, Buddy is Will Ferrell's character in Elf, Bernard was the head elf in The Santa Clause, Dobby is from the Harry Potter series (specifically Chamber of Secrets), and The Littlest Elf is from the opening scene of A Series of Unfortunate Events. )
The song Loverly Spring is featured on the soundtrack to A Series of Unfortunate Events. Really.
PS: If anyone's interested in reading more I'll be happy to add other "episodes" as they're written.