Summary: Elrond's diary from his years with Estel
Disclaimer: I do not own them
A/N: This is merely a parody, and AU Any reviews are welcome, flames are amusing. This is also unbetaed
Imladris year 3021
Small child has entered our realm. He smiled at me, and instantly I was won over. I brought him into my home and call him Estel. The Valar have surely smiled upon me granting me such a gift. I do hope he will learn to cope well.
Month 2 of year 3021
The child I have come to love is an ever fountain of urine. Everytime I turn around he has made another puddle somewhere on my floor, the last I found only by chance as I stepped into it with my bare feet, and went sliding across the floor. Very embarrassing to have Glorfindel find you under your desk soaked in urine.
Month 3 of year 3021
Estel has learned to say Ada and a few other words in elvish now, but I was most shocked when during the formal luncheon he kept referring to the consultant from Dale as the end of a dwarf. I do not know where he has learned such language, and told the consultant as much, but he did not seem to believe me. I came to find out later where he learned such words as I passed Elladan's room. There shall be punishments dished out; perhaps he can scrub the urine stains from my rugs, yes, that is an appropriate thing.
Month 4 of year 3021
Estel has a knack for breaking my things and then trying to cover it up. Already two of my priceless heirlooms have fallen to his clumsy hands. Imagine my embarrassment when I was showing Gandalf my treasures and came across the statue of Olwe, and discovered that his finger had been broken off only to be glued back to his nether regions. I wanted to ask him why, but then I thought of having to tell him the facts of life and decided against it. Gandalf was most amused to see me pulling on Olwe's thing, I slapped him hard across the head, to which he in return bashed me with his staff. I am now going to bed to forget the bump on my head, but first I must discard the finger of Olwe.
Month 5 of year 3021
Today was a good day. At first as we decided to teach Estel how to use the facilities by himself. It was a long task indeed and many hours later he finally went. There were praises all around for him. I even told him he would receive cookies and milk should he do the other in the pot, my mistake. As I walked around the outside of the palace, showing a few guests the gardens, Estel came to me naked from the waist down, feces clinging to his small bottom to tell me he had done as I asked, and he wanted his cookies. I tried to persuade him to go back inside quickly, but he said I did not believe him and then bent over and showed not only me, but the guests his raving achievement. The cookies I am now eating, while I chug this bottle of elvish wine and try to remember that I love my son.
Month 6 year 3021
I had decided to give Estel a pet thinking he was ready. Again I think my brain is not working correctly. Perhaps Gandalf slipped me some ancient potion to dull my thought process last time he visited. Estel was given a small furry creature, not much bigger than my hand. The men call it a gerbil, I call it a disaster.
Estel has taken excellent care of it, for I told him to keep it clean and found it soaking in my bath atop my bathing cloth. He was told to keep it's cage clean, and I found its droppings dumped out over his balcony onto my head, and I told him the pet needed to be fed, this is where my judgment failed me yet again. It was a family dinner Glorfindel and Erestor too. We sat down to find specks in our rice. Thinking it was something new we ate it, very bad tasting, and I scolded the cook. She threw me out of her kitchen and threatened to thrash me with her rolling pin. I went back in to eat and found that the main course was being served.
The venison steaks were steaming and again the cook had used a fair amount of pepper on each one. I was so hungry after not eating the rice that I swallowed it whole without chewing I think. The steak was not to Erestor's liking, but I was not about to face the cook again. Waving his complaints off I went to eat my salad and found a small head sitting in my bowl. It was Estel's pet, and it was eating my salad. I picked it up and flung it onto the table while scolding Estel. The gerbil was frightened and left his fear all over my table. It was only then that we all noticed the pepper was indeed from the gerbil and not the cook.
It is now two hours later, everyone has been purging their stomachs of the gerbil droppings, and I myself have nothing left in my stomach. I shall now go to bed and pray to the Valar that I can remove the bits from my teeth, lest I vomit again.
Month 7 year 3021
I have had a terrible headache for days now, temples throbbing. I have asked that no one bother me, but of course Estel has made himself the exclusion to that rule. He has read me the same book four times even though he knows only two of the words in it. Each time he reads it I wish to bash my head open for it gets more and more absurd, but he has smiled at me, and I cannot resist.
Today I think my headache is the worst and not even Estel's story can affect me any longer. He has left my room, and for that I am glad for now there is silence. I close my eyes and get some much needed sleep an awaken to a clear head. I am relieved but Estel has knocked on the door and entered carrying a tray. He claims to have made me lunch, and I think of how thoughtful that is until I see what is in the bowl. The child has a flair for imagination at least for not only is there sugar and jelly in the bowl but also raw eggs and spinach. My stomach churns at the sight of it, but Estel's pleading eyes give me no other choice and I eat it all. He is gone now, but my headache is back, for I have hurled four times now, and it keeps coming. I am now going to lie down and pray for Mandos to take me away.
Month 8 year 3021
Estel's new game is to hide and then jump out at random moments. I myself was not his first victim. Erestor was in my study when Estel jumped from behind the bookcase. There was a scream which alerted Glorfindel who entered, sword drawn to find it was Estel who had scared Erestor. My advisor was lucky, Glorfindel was not. He was taking his long soak in the tub and found the water was a bit too cold. Silly him went to the door to ask for another pail of hot water, but when he returned and went to get back into the tub Estel jumped up from the water and yelled boo.
Glorfindel lost his footing, and went sliding across the floor, straight into the cook's arms who was holding his hot pail of water. She screamed as he was naked, Glorfindel screamed from the hot water burning his treasures he said, and Estel simply wandered out. It was a sight to behold.
I however found it rather amusing when Elladan was frightened by Estel. Seems he went and hid behind the door and waited till his brother came home. There is but one bathing chamber, and one chamber pot and Elrohir had gotten there first. Estel jumped out at the unsuspecting Elladan, and soon Elladan was found, his leggings soiled, reeking, and very embarrassed. I hid my laughter and scolded Estel, but as I entered the room I burst out laughing. This is why I love Estel so much for he provides me with laughter.
Month 9 of year 3021
It is the fall equinox and we are to have a celebration. The food is prepared, the boys have been drilled in manners and the guest are arriving. All went well until the retreat into the Hall of Fire. I did not know Estel was drinking the elvish wine, not until I found him standing on the top of the table. I thought him only being mischievous until he began to sing some song that I had never heard before. The words I cannot repeat, but I can say that Glorfindel is not a brazen hussy, nor has he ever given his love to the many women. I do not know where he learned such lyrics and before I could get him down, he spoke of Erestor in a dress with red lace covered undergarments. The evening was over, the guest shocked, and Estel passed out. I shall speak to him tomorrow, for now I am going to rifle through Erestor chest of drawers and pray I find no red items of clothing.
Month 10 of year 3021
I have decided that Estel is old enough to go on an outing to the neighboring town. He has not broken, maimed or otherwise caused me grief in over a week. For his reward he shall come along. This is a mistake I see twenty minutes after we arrive. I cannot find him anywhere and I am now frantic. I have searched every store, went into people's houses and trash cans and still his whereabouts eludes me. I have been chased by dogs, had my behind scratched by some deranged lady's feline, and now my son is still missing. I sat down in the middle of the town to think of where else he could be as the twins continued to search, when he fell from the tree, apple in his hand. We are now home, my heart had almost stopped three times, my behind is scarred, and I just woke from a dream where a dog was chasing me. Somewhere the Valar are watching these scenes, and they are laughing, this I know.
Month 11 year 3021
Estel has asked if we will celebrate a day of thanks as the adans do. I have obliged telling him it is a wonderful gesture to honor this occasion. The entire day has been filled with cooking, and the aromas coming from the kitchen are enticing me more and more. I have not dared to enter the kitchen for I have been busy trying to control Glorfindel who has had too much wine. Estel has come to me with yet again another broken object claiming he does not know how it happened and I have gone to check on it. The object restored, we have adjourned to the dining hall for our feast. No food has arrived, and then the shrieks from the cook.
We go to investigate and find Glorfindel very drunk atop the kitchen counter and the turkey firmly wedged on his boot. He claims he was just dancing, and does not know how it ended up there, but I am now eating turkey that has been on his boot, and I remember what he stepped in last week. Estel has sulked, and spoke of revenge, I do not wish to be him later.
Month 12 year 3021
It is time for the Yule celebration. Everyone is excited, and Estel has been good for fear of not getting any gifts, must remember blackmail will work on one so small. I have read the story, it is now time for bed. Estel claims he is not tired though and asks if he can stay up for a bit longer in his bed, and wait for morning. I know he will not make it till then so I oblige. Glorfindel, Erestor and I have all the gifts in a big sack in the closet waiting for the twins to go off to bed. We shall drink a few glasses of wine and reflect on the year we have had. Elladan and Elrohir are taking forever, surely they are tired for Erestor who is not used to drinking has become very drunk. He has asked me about the legend of Kris Kringle, some mythological story made up adan children.
I have told him of this story. hoping he would slow down in his drinking but it was for not, he is drunk. Finally the twins have gone to bed, and Erestor has passed out. I shall leave him there and go to check on Estel before placing the gifts out. Estel is sleeping peacefully, and I am going to my room to change into my nightclothes. I have opened the door to find Erestor in the red lace garments that were spoken of before, my sack of gifts hoisted over his back. I fight him for the gifts, but Erestor is very strong and stubborn. He smacked me with the sack of toys when I grabbed his red lace garment by accident, and now my head hurts but I will not be defeated.
The chaos has awoken all in the house, and soon my door flies open. I am found in a most compromising position as I flail Erestor's head hoping to grab the sack from him. Now Estel is in tears, He claims I have beaten up Kris Kringle and that he shall get no toys. Isn't this supposed to be a warm happy occasion? I am going to bed now. Estel is being comforted by the twins, and I am going to scour the images of Erestor from my brain, we must have a talk about his attire tomorrow.