Kisses Can Mean A Thousand Things
Taiyuu – Courage
I kissed him! And he kissed me back…
Admittedly, I think it was more reflex than anything else, but when he realized what we were doing…what he was doing…he didn't push me away. He just pulled back slightly and looked at me, this expression on his face like he couldn't believe I wanted this, and then dove back in, as if he was afraid I'd come to my senses soon and push him away.
Silly Seto. I've wanted this for…Fates, I don't know how long.
It was so weird and sweet, how it happened. I kept quoting one of my favorite movie parodies of all time, Spaceballs, and he finally asked me what the hell I was talking about. I told him about the movie, and he expressed interest in wanting to see it, so I dug out my old VHS tape and plopped us both down in front of the big screen TV in the rec room. Mokuba was on an overnight field trip with his class, so we had the whole place to ourselves.
I've never seen Seto laugh so much – and one of these days I'm going to have to find out who Joey Wheeler is, and why Seto kept comparing him to Barf, the half-dog alien – and it's been awhile since I've laughed so much, too.
When the credits were rolling, we somehow ended up in a popcorn fight, and while trying to stuff a handful of kernels down the back of his shirt, I lost my balance and fell over onto him. I was only wearing my khaki shorts and a strappy tank, my blouse having been discarded early in the evening. Seto's shirt was halfway unbuttoned, and his rock-hard chest was just peeking out in tantalizing glimpses. Our proximity made me suddenly aware of how I'd gone without a bra today, thinking my tank would be enough. He was so sexy, so beautiful laughing like that, I'd never seen him so happy…I guess I just couldn't resist.
So I leaned down and pressed my lips to his…and Fates he can kiss. I was right about him putting 110 of his focus into everything.
We must've lain there for over twenty minutes, just kissing, and occasionally touching almost chastely. His shirt never came off; neither did mine. By the time we broke apart, we were both flushed and panting. I was afraid to find out if Seto was as turned on as I was, but even his ice-cold façade would have melted at such a fiery blaze.
Once we stopped, though… He just looked at me, so vulnerable and open, and said, "I…I don't understand what this means." He was looking to me for answers, but I couldn't give them to him.
"I'm not sure, either. I only know that I like you, Seto. A lot." I'd never dared to call him by his first name before; it was always Mr. Kaiba. But I figured since he'd had his tongue down my throat for a good half-hour, I was allowed.
I felt my cheeks heat and scooted a bit to the side so I was no longer in his lap.
Seto blushed a bit, too, and scooted backward so our hips were a few inches apart. "Ami…I…" He shook his head and huffed. "I don't know…how to have a…relationship…like this."
"Neither do I," I told him, inwardly reeling – and more than a bit thrilled – that he'd called me Ami. "I never even…kissed anyone before today." I'd just made out with him for upwards of thirty minutes and yet I couldn't stop blushing.
But he went on as if he hadn't heard – though I knew he had, he would just process it later. "And even if we could get past that… I'm not sure you realize what being with me would mean. I am so much in the public eye; I could never let anyone see us together unless I wanted what little privacy I have left to go out the window."
I'd had thoughts about him before, and I'd thought about how much of a celebrity he is. It did bother me a bit that the only way we could go out would be if Mokuba was with us, but if we ever got really serious I knew we could take the heat of a public relationship. "I don't really have a problem with keeping things quiet," I admitted. "I mean, I don't know anybody in Japan aside from Jayce and the gardener, Mr. Sarano. And I value my privacy, as well. Besides…I'd kinda like to figure out what's going on with us before we tell anyone."
"Like Mokuba?" he asked, piercing gaze never wavering.
"Exactly." I wasn't sure if it was what he wanted to hear or not, but he has reasons for how he feels, and I have mine. "I mean, we can't exactly tell him we're together, and then a week later figure out we made a mistake, can we?" I think Mokuba would like for us to get together, and I care about him enough, love him enough, not to want to get his hopes up only to dash them. "I don't think we have made a mistake, but this whole thing is…incredibly confusing and I'd like a little time to figure it out first," I explained.
"Yeah…time. I could use some of that, too…" He took a deep breath and looked away as he admitted, "I've never kissed anyone before today, either."
I wasn't all that surprised – I mean, he's sixteen, almost seventeen. I'm a little over two years older than him, and in pretty much the same boat.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know." He looked at me as if he knew what I was about to say, but I had spent my whole life being unpredictable; why stop then? "That we're confused about we feel, I mean."
He started and then nodded slowly. "I know…it's just…I don't even really have anything to compare this to. Mokuba's the only person I've ever cared about – I don't know how to care any other way."
"Some people say romantic love is basically friendship combined with lust." I shrugged. "I'm not so sure there isn't more to it, but we have both of those – so that must mean something."
"And you're willing to have a relationship with me, knowing that I don't know if I'll ever be able to…feel that?" He looked like I'd just told him I was willing to bet my life savings on me beating him in a duel – which I would have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning, and that's pretty much the point.
My ability to empathize with people is legendary in my family, but even a blind woman could have seen how worried Seto was. "Seto…you may be convinced that you will never be able to love anyone but Mokuba. But I think that if you want something enough, you can make it happen." He still looked worried, so I picked up his right hand in my left and squeezed it. "And if you didn't want to fall in love, you wouldn't be worried about it."
He let out a shuddering breath, and I wondered if he was close to crying. Emotional upheaval can do that to a person – throw their emotional reactions all out of whack. I sensed he was pretty much at the breaking point and there was nothing I could do to help; he needed to deal with this on his own.
"Listen," I said. "It's late, we're both tired, and right now we're also both too confused to have a sensible conversation about this. Why don't we sleep on it tonight, and maybe talk about this tomorrow over breakfast, all right?"
He gave me a small smile – his lips barely turned up at the corners, but I know him, and it was a smile – and said, "Sounds good."
So now, here I sit, on my bed, reliving my first kiss…and second, and third, and fourth, and…and it was with Seto. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but right now I am the happiest girl in the world.
I grabbed the stuffed Blue Eyes White Dragon that Mokuba gave me for Christmas – very astute kid, I think he knew how I felt about his brother before I did – and squeezed it tight. My stuffed Kuriboh – which Seto gave me – seemed to smile happily from his perch on the shelf above my bed.
I may not have my dragon in my arms tonight, but I think Taiyuu here will make a fine substitute until I can hold Seto in my arms at night. He might think he doesn't know how to love, but I am positive he can. He might not've said the words…but his kisses said everything for him.