Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
By Order of the Author,
Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance
(or by Mark Twain)
Meg: Welcome to the first fanfiction I ever attempted to write! The saga of Don Juan began at a sleepover, when five friends and I made up one of those stories where one person starts it, stops at one point, and someone else picks it up. By the end of the story I had thrown in a Spanish-speaking pilot, who had managed to crash into Baskerville Hall (Sherlock Holmes reference). A few months later I wanted to try my hand at a Redwall parody, starring my favorite Redwall villain and a certain annoying pilot.
I wrote this from October 2001-November 2002, but did not bother to type it up for three years. Granted, in that amout of time my plots, reasonings, and grammar have improved tremendously, but I am so attached to this, my first story, that I was loath to change anything to have it make sense or not seem so ridiculous. Some characters are a little out-of-character, commas and certain words and names are repeated more than necessary, and anything can happen, but it's all in good fun.
I did not know what a Don Juan was until after I got attached to the name, so I never bothered to change it. Besides, it makes for an unexpected character stereotype change. And if anyone is claiming that I hate Spanish people or Britney Spears… well, eh, I don't hate Spanish people.
And the notes in parenthesis… they were for the use of my close friends, the only ones up to this point who had read the story. Most of them had either never read the Redwall books or did not care for them (gasp!)
So sit back, relax, and enjoy Don Juan Triumphant!
Don Juan was sitting in the cockpit of his XE 13 Fighter, listening to the radio. Suddenly his plane took a tremendous swoop downward, into the trees below! Don Juan tried gaining control of the plane, cursing as branches snapped against the wings of his Fighter.
"You estupid, estupid plane!" he shouted. "Why you fly into trees again? I can't even take a very joyful ride in an airoplane anymore without acting estupid on me!"
Don Juan jerked the plane upward, escaping the treetops and flying over a vast sea. "Finally you don't act estupid on me. About time, yes-no?"
Leagues away, on the shores of the Eastern Sea, Cluny the Scourge sat upon his throne at Marshank. Finally h had a fortress of his own!
When he and a rag-tag group that was to be the start of his new army arrived at Marshank, the place had been an overgrown ruin consisting of rotting wood, crumbling stone walls, and tombstones covering every square in of space available! Cluny had gathered many creatures from the marshes nearby and set his new army to the task of removing graves and rebuilding the fortress. And what a prize it had turned out to be! There was plenty of food, he was safe from attack with the sea protecting his front and the marshes protecting his back, and best of all he was miles away from Redwall!
Yes, Cluny had survived the bell incident, but no one except his army knew that he was alive (A/N: Hey, the Redwallers never thought of actually LOOKING under the bell to make sure he was dead; they just naturally assumed he was.) Cluny wanted revenge on Redwall, but he did not want to face the warriormouse that endlessly haunted his dreams. But someday he would march to Redwall with a horde of a thousand vermin and take over the abbey. Mwhahahahaha!
But, for the time being, he would stay here to train his new army.
Cluny looked out the seafront window in satisfaction. Everything was going his way! He strode to the door to yell at his horde.
Don Juan was having trouble on his XE 13 fighter. In the middle of Britney Spears' song, "Oops, I Did It Again," (Don Juan's favorite song) the radio suddenly stopped working! Don Juan smacked the radio to fix it. When that did not work, he frantically started to switch the dials and buttons. No luck.
"Stop it, estupid radio! Give me back mi Britney!" Don Juan smacked his radio a few more times, but to no avail. The Spanish pilot tried to move the antenna to a location where it could receive a transmission, unaware of the strip of land that was coming closer by the minute.
Just as Cluny was about to open the door, two of his new captain, Slackett and Groner, dashed in, bowling him over.
"Idiots!" Cluny lashed at them with sinister, whip-like tail. The two vermin cried out."
"Owowow, sorry Chief! Don't whip me!"
"Ouch! Please Chief! We have urgent news!"
Cluny kicked the two rats. "What urgent news?" he snarled.
"Well Chief," Groner began. "We were on sentry duty on the east wall, an' we saw something comin' toward us from over the sea."
"Well what did you see?" Cluny snapped irritably. "Is it a corsair ship?"
Slackett blurted out, "It's a huge bird wi' big powerful wings coming this way!"
Cluny hurried to the east wall. Looking out, he saw a very big, low-flying bird. But it was not flapping its wings like most low-flying birds. And it did not have a face!
"What do we do now, Chief?" Groner asked.
"Get my ten best archers up here up here to shootit down," Cluny said. "And hurry up! It's getting closer by the second."
But before the two rats could do anything, the bird crashed into the side of the fortress!
Only quick reflexes saved Cluny. He had jumped at the last second and was hanging on a still-standing part of the wall. He pulled himself up.
As his horde closed in around the wreckage of the east wall, Don Juan jumped out of the cockpit of his plane.
"Mi querida!" he shouted. "What have you estupid peoples do to mi airoplane?"
The rat horde goggled at the Spanish pilot as he ranted on. "I will sue all you estupid peoples for every hundred dollar you got! How irresponsible of you, to let your estupid building get in the way of my airoplane!"
"Get him!" Cluny shrieked. "I want that blockhead's head for destroying my fortress!"
But no one was listening to him. The horde stared dumbstruck as Don Juan began kicking his airplane. "Estupid, stupid plane! First mi stupid radio takes away Senorita Spears, then you crash into the stupid building!"
Cluny was furious. He climbed up the rubble of the east wall, where Don Juan was throwing rocks at his XE 13 Fighter, insulting it in rapid Spanish. This stupid creature had ruined his stateroom, his fortress! Now he was going to pay.
But as his tail snaked out to Don Juan's neck, the Spanish-speaking pilot turned around.
"Elp! A very huge rat!" Don Juan whipped out a small BB gun. He shot at Cluny (who was only two feet away) but missed. The bullet knocked a rock off of the south wall, which hit a rat on the head.
"Owowow! He's killing me!" As the rat rolled around on the ground massaging his head, the horde took a few furtive steps away from the Spanish pilot. Even Cluny was beginning to become afraid of this strange creature who wielded dangerous weapons. He decided to play it safe.
As Don Juan tried to figure out why the gun would not fire a second time (he had forgotten to add more bullets), Cluny cleaved it in half with the barb on his tail.
"Why you do that, very huge rat?" Don Juan asked. "My mama gave that to me. Mama!" Don Juan cried.
Cluny climbed down the rubble pile. "Deadgut, get two rats and bring this creature to the storeroom! I will question him there!" Deadgut hesitated for fear of the Spanish pilot. "Do it now!" Cluny barked. "I'll whip you into dollrags and feed you to the fishes if he is not there in five minutes!"
Five minutes later, Don Juan stood between two guards in the storeroom, still weeping over his BB gun.
"Whaaah! You estupid, estupid, very mean huge rat, you are very rude. My mama gave it to me for my very 26th birthday because I had eaten my vegetable for two weeks. Now all I have is my memories. Like the time I shot and broke the water jug my sister was carrying on her head. And the time my brother and I shot a angry bull in the horn. He chased us for three hours. And the time I was to shoot my gun in the air during a celebration, but actedentally shot Senor Fidel Castro's cigar in half. That brought me even closer to my greatest national leader. And the time-"
"Shut up!" Cluny was getting really annoyed. "I don't care about your weapon, and I will do the talking! Who and what are you?"
"Me? Don Juan Carlos Felipe Miguel El Quaso, and I am Cuban, yesno?"
"WHAT?" Now Cluny was really confused about what to think of this strange creature. "What is a Cuban?"
"A Cuban is from Cuba. Duh! Even I know that! You are very estupid, huge rat."
"Shut up! I will do the talking, not you. You will only answer my questions. And I'm not estupid, erm, stupid. I'm not the one who got himself captured by Cluny the Scourge! And if you call me estu-, erm, stupid, one more time, I'll cut your tongue off and feed it to the seabirds!"
Don Juan had not really listened, because he then asked, "Who Loony the Scorch?"
Now Cluny was losing his temper. "Cluny the Scourge, you idiot!" he barked. "I am the more feared Warlord in all the land! From Southward to the far North, from Salamandastron to the Eastern Sea, every creature trembles at the sound of my name!"
"Really?" Don Juan said. "Because I do not believe I am trembling. Maybe there is something wrong with me, yes-no?"
"There's more than something wrong with you. Everything's wrong with you! You're a stupid idiot! The only thing you actually have the intelligence to do is destroy fortress walls with giant birds!"
Suddenly, Cluny had an idea. This Cuban could help him conquer Redwall. If he could take control of giant birds that had the power to destroy stone structures, they could surely defeat a group of timid mice! Cluny could easily fool the Spanish-speaking pilot into delivering Redwall into his claws! All he had to do was play his cards right.
Don Juan was on the verge of tears because the huge rat had yelled at him, but then he noticed the rat's attitude change.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you," Cluny said in a kindly voice. "Now, this place where you live, Cuba, where is it?"
The rat's attitude disarmed Don Juan. "Cuba is in the Gulf of Me'ico. My mama say it is also by U.S. of A."
Then, shockingly, realization actually dawned on Don Juan. "I am in the Bermuda Triangle!" he shouted. "But it does not look like a triangle."
"What? What are you talking about?" Cluny said in an annoyed tone. He was rapidly forgetting to be nice. "I've never heard of a Bermuda Triangle before, you pea brained idi-, erm, I mean, what is a Bermuda Triangle?"
Don Juan began to panic, ignoring Cluny's question. "Ok, let's see, I was flying that place called Miami.in the U.S. of A. Britney was singing the bestest song in the world, and then mi stupid radio stopped!" Don Juan was actually holding the radio. "Estupid, estupid radio! You cause me to crash into the estupid triangle with the estupid huge rats!"
Suddenly Don Juan stopped. He looked at the radio. "Uh oh," he said.
Cluny knew that meant bad news, so he dropped the nice attitude. "What is it?" he snarled.
Don Juan said, "I forgot to put new battery in mi estupid radio, so Senorita Spears wouldn't have stopped singing, and mi XE 13 Fighter wouldn't have been destroyed by your estupid building, and I wouldn't be in the estupid triangle land!"
Cluny was furious at this news. "WHAT?" he shrieked. "You destroyed half my fortress because you forgot to put battery in your radio?" He did not know what a battery or a radio was, but he did not care.
Cluny unsheathed his sword nd advanced toward Don Juan, maddened by this news. But before he got close, the radio started to blare full blast.
"Wee, it work!" Don Juan yelled triumphantly.
Cluny's guards ran off and hid behind some flour sacks. Even Cluny was becoming wary of this strange creature. To hide his fear, he barked at his two guards, "Get back here, this instant! You two are like a bunch of baby mice afraid of the dark!"
The guards slowly came back to their captive, but they made sure that they stood at least a foot behind him.
Cluny turned to Don Juan. "Shut that thing…!" Cluny realized he had upset Don Juan again. He impatiently waited for Don Juan to stop tearing up. Cluny could not hold his temper for more than five seconds, so he took the sword and stabbed a sack of flor. White flour spilled everywhere.
"Alright, I'll get right to the facts. Your estu-, um, your large bird crashed into my fortress, completely destroying-"
"What large bird?" Don Juan interrupted. "I doesn't see no large bird. I doesn't like birdies, they are so-"
"OKAY!" Cluny screamed. He remembered his plan, but was too irritated. "Well," he said through gritted teeth, "what is that, that THING, in my fortress!"
"No, no estupid rat, it is no thing. It is an airoplane," Cluny snapped (he forgot to control his temper).
Don Juan pointed to the remnants of his XE 13 Fighter. "That is an airoplane."
"No, no, NO! I know that is an AIROPLANE! You are so ESTU-, um, STUPID!" Cluny began to rent and rave, kicking and slashing at everything in his way. Five minutes later, the flour began to settle, and fragments of food and sacks were everywhere.
Cluny marched up to Don Juan, who was making little piles of flour on the floor. "Now, tell me what an airoplane is, like what it is, not that it is just an AIROPLANE!"
Don Juan looked at his flour piles. "Do you think, if I work very, very hard on it, I can builded a flower mountain to Senor Moon?" Don Juan pointed to the ceiling.
"NO!" Cluny shrieked as he kicked the flour piles, sending flour everywhere (it was already everywhere, but it seemed more dramatic that way.) "Now ANSWER the question!"
Don Juan was terrified of the huge rat, but he answered anyway. "An airoplane is a great machine. I and my brother builded my airoplane, but you estupid peoples destroyed it with your building getting in my way! And I am the most skilleded pilot in all of Larto Annamoro, but now I am no longer having no airoplane, yesno?"
"Well, do airoplanes fly?" Cluny asked.
"Si. I think I mean yes."
"Can you build your airoplane again?"
"Cluny!" Cluny remembered to be nice again. "Not 'very huge rat'. Just call me Cluny. Now, what is your name?"
"I already told you, very huge rat, um, Loony," Don Juan said. "Don Juan Carlos Felipe Miguel El Quaso. It is very easy name to remember, but you can call me Don Juan, I think."
Cluny put his arm around Don Juan. "Well, Don Juan, how would you like to get rich?"
"Rich?" Don Juan asked. "What you mean?"
"I mean rich! Gold, jewels, crowns, loot, plunder, anything you want to call it! If you build me an airoplane that can fly over Redwall Abbey, then you can have anything you want!"
Don Juan had no idea what the Redwall Abbey was, but the idea of getting a present on a day that was not his birthday or Christmas excited him. "Can I have a golden hamster? I always wanted a pet golden hamster."
"Of course," Cluny said. Then he turned his long-held temper on the two unfortunate guards. "Well, what are you waiting for? Find me a decent room, complete with parchment and quill, and my captains, sharpish! And clean up this room! It's a disgrace!"