(A little humor fic mixing as many as the ridiculous rumors as possible, just to see how ridiculous the books would turn out if they were true. I expect it will be funny. It's a one shot.)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters are all J.K. Rowling's and the rumors… I can't tell you whose they are, but they're not mine. I just put them together with a kind of plot… or not really.
Lily Potter was killed by Voldemort many years ago, at least that is what the world thought. In reality, she currently resided in a cozy house with her latest boyfriend, Icicle. Icicle was only his nickname. He was Albino, so his friends made fun of him for being the color of snow, his icy attitude, and attraction to cold weather. But after meeting the beautiful Death Eater, Lily, he moved to a warmer climate to be with her.
Lily sat on her chair, waiting for an old friend to call upon her. Finally, the knock on the door she had been waiting for arrived. She opened the door.
"Who is that?" Lily asked the rat faced wheezing man. Next to the man stood a round faced boy holding a struggling toad.
"This is my son," the rat man said, "Neville. I did not even know he was my son until I killed his grandmother and read his mother's diary."
"I accept my father's path as a Death Eater," Neville said. "And I promise I won't turn you in. It's been so long since I've had a sane parent."
"The boy thinks you are completely sane Peter," Lily laughed.
"Someone's got to," Icicle's low voice rang from the kitchen. "Woman, where are the fish you cooked yesterday?"
"You ate them already, Icy," Lily sang, coming to Icicle's side. "How about you eat a dragon steak or a hippogriff burger with us in half an hour?"
"You always over cook steaks and burgers," Icicle boomed. "How about you learn to be useful sometime. I'm going to the Bigfoot Bar for some Ice Vodka. I'll be back when you learn to cook."
Icicle swept past the beautiful redhead and the round faced boy. He grunted at Peter, but continued on without a word. Lily's lip began to quiver and she fell to her knees crying.
"What have I done to deserve that?" Lily asked.
"There, there," Peter wheezed trying to comfort her, but she batted her arm at him to keep him away.
"I don't want your comfort," Lily cried.
"But…" Peter began, however, he was interrupted by someone walking into the door.
"What's this I see," the voice of Severus Snape sounded, causing Peter and Neville to jump and Lily to look up.
"Oh, Severus," Lily cried allowing him to help her off the floor.
"Lily," Severus said looking into her green eyes.
"Severus," Lily whispered.
"Lily," Snape whispered back.
"Cut it with the emotional saying of each other's name and just go to her room and shag already," Neville cried, "before I puke would be good. Also, do you mind if I invite my girlfriend, Luna, over for dinner?"
"I think you might actually be correct for once," Snape laughed, "and sure, call your girlfriend. By the way, boy, in potions this year, if you take it, make sure to wreck havoc for Nicholas Flamel, I never did like him much. Come on, Lily, let's shag."
Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, the people were now angry with Rufus Scrimgeor and wanted a new Minister already.
"I say Harry Potter!" one man yelled and half the crowd bellowed their support.
"No, Arthur Weasley!" a woman shrieked, and the second half of the crowd gave their support for him.
"How about both of them," Hermione Granger said.
There was silence for a few seconds, and the whole crown then began chanting, "Harry Potter and Arthur Weasley! They're the best Ministers we've ever seen!"
"Did you have to suggest that they both become Minister, my love?" The drawling voice of the blonde Draco Malfoy floated into Hermione's ear from behind her.
"Draco, Darling, you made it," Hermione said and turned around. They looked at each other for a second, then began snogging so ferociously that they could have eaten each other's tongue if they wanted to.
"I would like to make a speech," Harry yelled over the crowd. "First, I would like to thank my family, which I have recently discovered includes the late Albus Dumbledore, the late Salazar Slytherin, and of course, my third cousin twice removed, Tom Marvolo Riddle, or better known as Voldemort. I would also like to thank the Gryffindor Quidditch team; the three Chasers this year will be Ginny, Dean, and Dezmela, the Keeper, Ron, and the two new Beaters, Colin and Dennis. Finally, I would like to thank Romulus Lupin, the twin of Remus. Unlike Remus, Romulus has not tried to eat me during a full moon. Thank you."
"Where is this Romulus," Remus bellowed out, jealous of his twin who got all the positive attention for not being a werewolf.
Then, Crookshanks, annoyed that Hermione was snogging Draco, walked up to the stage next to Harry and suddenly, transformed into a man. Remus cried in shock, his brother had been there the whole time and he had not known.
"Romulus," Remus cried, but Romulus shook his head.
"After jumping over my walls, just because you have werewolf abilities, I should kill you… in fact, I think I will," Romulus said. Romulus jumped off the stage, and the two brothers began a bloody fist fight.
However, the people were not happy with Harry now that they knew he was distantly related to Voldemort, so immediately, Arthur called out, "Place Harry under arrest. I demand that he be sent to court on trail against the Ministry of Magic for his relations."
And, so ends the story of Harry Potter, who ended his days wasting away in Azkaban while Voldemort took over and ruled the world. The moral of the story is to never listen to the unlikely rumors that would make the story seem very… unnatural.