Sayings of the Jedi

Recently social services on Gandiman IV were called to a private apartment building after a resident failed to respond to several machine-requests for food access. Inside was the empty clothes of one hundred and forty-three year-old Mr Wei, who had apparently vanished into thin-air right in front of several holocams. Social workers were shocked to discover that Mr Wei was not, as their records insisted, the retired shop-owner of the Jolly Three Dragon corner shop, but a reclusive Master Jedi-philosopher who had been in hiding since the dark days of the fall of the Old Republic.

The fact that he never emerged from hiding after the reestablishment of the Jedi Order led subsequent investigators to strongly suspect the old bugger had an exceptional oracular knack and foresaw the currant disasters. This theory is supported by the discovery of a file Wei kept during his years of exile, in which he analysed the reasons for his predicament, and tried to reshape the Jedi philosophy he felt certain was leading the organisation back to disaster. Wei wrote a number of documents in the traditional Jedi manner of linked verses, advocating a return to a more reality-based approach to life and better hairstyles for under-thirties. Extracts of the file, which has quickly been dubbed the 'pragmatic school' of Jedi thought, are printed below.

"It's not wrong to bring a knife to a gunfight if it's a double light-sabre."

Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatic

"Killing people is wrong, but sentient machines or scaly alien reptiliods are a ball."

Conversations With The Darkside, Wei the Pragmatist

"If surrounded by overwhelming numbers of enemy troops, surrender."

Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatic

"The Jedi Council is full of many wise and venerable old Jedi, strong in the Force. If you wish to become a wise and venerable old Jedi, strong in the Force, you should ignore it as often as possible."

Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans

"Removing vulnerable young kids from their parents, and forbidding them to form healthy long-term relationships as adults? Remind me whose bright idea that was again?"

From My Conversations With Yoda

"Cute blond kids driving under-age should be given a sound thrashing and grounded, not hailed as the saviour of the galaxy."

From My Conversations With Yoda

"Killing Sith in light-sabre duels is very emotionally satisfying, however much the same result can be achieved from saturating orbital bombardment."

Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatist

"Wearing flowing hooded robes may make you look cool and mysterious, but be aware they are catching, particularly in autofactories."

Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans

"Is it too much to expect some decent body armour on this job? Yes? How about a blaster then? At least give me a blaster."

From My Conversations With Yoda

"Never trust small elderly white men with soothing voices. They are vicious weasels who want to rip your head off. Kill them. Kill them now."

Conversations With The Darkside, Wei the Pragmatist

"There will be times in your life as a Jedi where everybody in the known galaxy has stopped killing each other. This period is known as 'the rearmament phase'."

Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans

"If everything in the Republic is running smoothly, you're about due an invasion of inscrutable aliens with unbeatable technology and nightmarish plans."

Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatist

"The Jedi Order and the New Republic are all about protecting and serving the citizens of the galaxy from the myriad threats to their existence. You will therefore be abandoned at the first sign of trouble."

Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans

"Give a refugee a fish and he will complain there are no chips. Hold a blaster to his head and he is your friend for life."

Sayings of the Jedi, Wei the Pragmatist

"Seriously, just soak your robe with water. I'd like to see that motherfucker get all chain-lightening on your ass then."

From My Conversations with Yoda

"If your wife has been a galactic senator, a victorious resistance fighter and a head of state before she is thirty, it might make sense to at least occasionally actually ask for her advice, hmmmm?"

Things I Should Have Taught My Padawans