Summary: House is determined to find out who Wilson is sleeping with. Wilson doesn't him to know. Who will win? Slash starts in Chapter 3.
"I'm being nice to you because of your current situation," Dr. House explained, attempting to sound sincere as he bounced his small rubber ball against the floor. He watched as it ricocheted off the wall and landed gracefully in the palm of his right hand. Smiling, he leaned back in his chair, propping his legs onto his desk one at a time. His friend and colleague, Dr. James Wilson, sat slouched in his chair staring idly at the ceiling.
The young doctor lifted his head and looked doubtfully towards the other doctor. "My situation?"
"Yep." House threw the ball against the floor again, taking delight in watching it thump against the adjacent surfaces before settling neatly into his hand.
"My situation as in having to listen to your constant egotistical, self-serving arguments?" Wilson asked as he dropped his head onto the back of the chair again.
House smirked, losing interest in his rubber ball and reaching across his desk to grab his oversized tennis ball, tossing it into the air. "Admit it, Wilson, you can't get enough of me."
The oncologist sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. "So true. Yet so sad."
House caught the ball and placed it back onto his desk. "The situation I'm referring to is the one where you've found yourself recently divorced and very lonely. Not to mention very lonely."
"Not that you're being obvious or anything, but I'm not lonely." Wilson shifted in his chair, placing his elbow on the armrest and resting his chin on his hand. He wasn't sure he wanted to have this conversation.
House looked at his friend sympathetically. "Trust me, you're lonely."
"You don't have to throw yourself off the roof. I'm not that lonely." He sat up and reached unsuccessfully for the small rubber ball resting on the desk. House got to it sooner snatching it up and holding it just out of the other man's grasp.
"Of course you're not. You always have me." The scruffy doctor fluttered his eyelashes suggestively.
Wilson smiled in spite of himself. "Getting a divorce was one of the smartest things I've ever done."
"If only to make up for one of the stupidest things you've ever done, namely getting yourself hitched for a third time," House said, using his hand to lift his right leg off his desk quickly followed by his left. He repositioned himself in his chair, sitting upright and swiveling to face Wilson. "Of course there was also the time Julie almost caught you in your office with that blonde….."
"That's one of the qualities I admire most about you, House," the young doctor interrupted. "You have the uncanny ability to effectively kick a friend when he's down." He shook his head and smiled sadly.
"Why, thank you. It's a gift." House studied his friend. "I have some business acquaintances who can help, you know."
Wilson's head rolled in House's direction. "Business acquaintances?"
The other doctor nodded as he picked up his oversized tennis ball again and began tossing it from hand to hand.
Wilson sat upright. "Hookers."
"You say it like it's a bad thing." House scratched his chin with the tennis ball.
"I don't need prostitutes, House. I'm doing fine in that department."
"Yes, I've noticed how you've been favoring your left hand lately." House peered over his desk trying to get a better look at the other doctor. "You need to give it a rest or it may fall off."
"I assume you're referring to my hand."
Wilson sighed. "Just because I'm not married anymore doesn't mean I'm not getting any," the young doctor protested.
"But for someone who's used to double entry bookkeeping, this semi-dry spell must be so gosh darned difficult." House leaned over his desk and whispered, "So, who is she?"
Wilson ducked his head down to House's level and smiled. "You really think I'm going to tell you?" he whispered back.
House sat up in annoyance. "Why not? You'll probably be announcing your engagement in three months."
The oncologist held up his hand. "No way! I'm through with marriage."
"Of course you are," House said, mocking agreement. "I can understand a man getting married three times, but four? What idiot would do that?" He squinted his eyes. "Who did you say she was again?"
"I didn't." Wilson began to stand, hoping the other doctor would get the message and end the conversation.
"Should I take that to mean it's a guy? Not quite what I was expecting, but…."
Wilson fell back into his chair. "It's not a guy!"
House held up his hand in surrender. "Okay, okay!" He thought for a moment. "My educated guess is that it's the lovely Ms. Debbie in Accounting."
Wilson was intrigued despite his current level of annoyance. "Why do you say that?"
"Well, mainly because you've been ignoring her lately." House surveyed his desk searching for another toy to play with. His eyes fell onto his yo-yo. Smiling, he snatched it off his desk, pushed his chair back and began playing with it.
Wilson folded his arms across his chest. "So…since I'm ignoring her, I'm sleeping with her."
House caught the yo-yo as his head snapped up. "You are? Why Dr. Wilson!"
"I'm not sleeping with Debbie. I've learned the hard way that having a relationship with someone you work with is not the smartest thing to do. That will never happen again."
House clutched the yo-yo to his chest. "Why don't you just plunge a knife into my heart?"
"You'll get over it."
Wilson stood again and placed his hands on his hips. "You may as well give up now, I'm not going to tell you."
"But you tell me everything," House protested as he peered up at his friend.
"Just like you tell me everything." Wilson picked up the tennis ball and tossed it into the air a few times.
"No, not like that at all." House scowled at the other doctor. "If you don't tell me I won't let you play with my toys."
Wilson smiled as he caught the ball and tossed it over the desk to his friend. "How about some dinner?"
Barely catching the ball, House waved it menacingly in the air. "You're trying to change the subject."
"No, I'm trying to get some dinner. I'm hungry."
"Okay, how about this. If I promise to buy you a steak, will you tell me then?" House asked, reaching to the side of his desk to retrieve his cane.
Wilson cocked his head, scrunching up his forehead in thought. "Mmm….with grilled onions and a baked potato?"
"The works," House said, smiling as he waited for his reward.
"I don't think so," Wilson decided, looking directly into his friend's blue eyes.
House fell back into his chair defeated. "Fine, but this isn't over. You'll talk," he warned, trying to sound intimidating.
Wilson scratched his head lightly, seemingly contemplating what House had just said. He remained silent.
The older doctor smiled threateningly. "So you're afraid of me, are you?"
"I'm more afraid of that stick of yours," Wilson said as he pointed to the cane now in House's possession.
The scruffy doctor held the cane up into the air. "And rightfully so."
Both men were quiet for a few moments, Wilson hoping his friend would lose interest in the conversation and House still determined to get his answer. House limped around to the side of his desk and sat down on the edge. "Okay, how about this…I'll guess and you tell me if I'm warm."
Wilson sighed. "I don't want to play games."
"Okay….then you guess and I'll tell you if you're warm."
At that moment Dr. Allison Cameron entered the conference room, her brow furrowed, totally unaware of the two men in the adjoining room. They turned their attention towards her, both noting that she carried a file and appeared to be deep in thought. Dropping the folder onto the table, she pulled out a chair and sat down, opened the file and began to read. The two doctors in the other room observed her intently through the glass wall as she studied the file, repeatedly twirling her hair and biting her lower lip. As he watched her, House noticed through his peripheral vision that Wilson was slowly sitting down into his chair. The older doctor glanced over towards his friend and was immediately intrigued by what he saw. The oncologist was staring fixedly at Dr. Cameron, his head tilted to one side. He was absentmindedly rubbing the side of his chin with one hand while drumming his fingers against the armrest with the other.
House grasped his cane and stood, hastily limping to the door of the conference room. Opening it, he leaned in. "Dr. Cameron, I need you for a consult."
The young woman was startled at the sound of her boss's voice. She turned quickly and glanced towards Dr. Wilson who was watching her through the glass. "Yes, of course, I'll be right there." House nodded and returned to his office smiling sweetly in response to Wilson's scowl. Cameron closed the file she had been reading, pushed her chair out and got to her feet, following the older doctor into his office. As she entered the room, she briefly acknowledged Wilson and stood awkwardly waiting for House to speak.
"Dr. Cameron, "Wilson said in his most professional manner.
She gave him a small smile in response and turned her attention towards her boss. "You said you needed a consult?"
"Yes, yes I did." House glanced quickly towards Wilson as he spoke. Sitting down on the edge of his desk, he addressed his young protégé. "I've been attempting to determine who Dr. Wilson has been sleeping with, but I'm afraid I haven't been successful. Usually, I'm pretty good at these things, but due to Dr. Wilson's pigheadedness I'm just not getting it….unlike my colleague here who says he's getting it on a regular basis." He again looked over towards Wilson whose head was now buried in his hand. The older doctor smiled as he again addressed Cameron. "Your thoughts?"
He couldn't help but notice how flushed her face had become, obviously embarrassed as she cast her eyes towards the floor. After a moment, her head jerked back up and anger was conspicuously present on her face. "Dr. House," she snapped, "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't subject me to your childish games…."
"You may as well tell him about us, Allison. You know he'd find out sooner or later."
Two sets of eyes snapped in Wilson's direction, both sets open wide in astonishment. The oncologist quickly shifted his head between House and Cameron waiting for someone to speak. After several awkward moments one pair of eyes transformed from shock to amusement. The other pair was narrowing into something resembling rage.
"Good one, Dr. Wilson," House chirped.
"You two should grow up!" Cameron yelled as she angrily placed her hands on her hips.
"And Angelina Jolie should have sex with me but it's never gonna happen," House said with all seriousness.
Cameron shook her head, turned on her heel and walked out of the office. The two doctors watched as she snatched the file off the conference table and huffed out of the room, into the hall and out of sight.
Wilson sighed. "I'll apologize to her in the morning. You should do the same."
"Apologize for what? I simply asked her a question. You're the one who accused her of having sex with you." House limped back around his desk and slowly lowered himself into his chair.
Wilson threw his hands up in exasperation. "It was a joke!"
"Yeah, you tell her that."
"I said I'd apologize in the morning."
"Can I watch?" House asked, grabbing his bottle of Vicodin and swallowing two pills in one felled swoop.
House smiled as he tapped his fingers on his desk. "So, are you?"
"Am I what?" Wilson asked idly, contemplating what he would say to Allison in the morning.
"Doing the fair Dr. Cameron?" Wilson's thoughts snapped back to the present. He narrowed his eyes threateningly towards House.
"Okay, so you're not. But why were you staring at her like that?"
"Like she was a popsicle and you wanted to lick her."
Wilson rolled his eyes. "Very nice, House. She's a beautiful woman."
"Fine." There was silence again in the room. "So are you going to tell me who it is?"
Wilson sighed yet again. "Okay, let's say I stoop to your level and give you a hint. What do I get out of it?"
House thought a moment. "I'll let you hold my yo-yo." He held up his cherished toy for Wilson's inspection.
Wilson eyed the yo-yo. "Just hold it?"
"Why Dr. Wilson, we haven't even been on a date yet."
"Tempting offer, but I don't think so."
"Okay, okay… I'll let you play with it." The older doctor twirled the toy around in his hand, showing off his prize.
"Are we still talking about the yo-yo?"
"We're talking about my yo-yo, my champion SuperYo Samurai. You do know what yo-yo spelled backwards is, don't you?"
Wilson furrowed his forehead in confusion. "Oy-Oy? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. I just like hearing you say it."
"That's it, I'm done. See you tomorrow." Wilson stood and quickly walked out of House's office, waving his hand as the door closed behind him.
The older doctor watched as the oncologist disappeared around the corner. "Touchy, aren't we?" he said smiling. He held up his yo-yo and looked at it admiringly. "Looks like it's just you and me tonight, kid." He slipped his finger through the loop and gracefully tossed his precious yo-yo out as far as it would go. Without missing a beat he drew it back in, curling his fingers around it as it slapped against the palm of his hand.