Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. Though if it were only a three minute run, I might consider kidnapping a couple.

Spoilers: Through early season eight. AU after that.

Author's Notes: This chapter is the only one that was not originally in my outline for this story. (I had planned it for eight chapters; it will now be nine.) The problem came when I was rewatching season two for "Filling the Gaps." See, the thing is, um, I kinda love Laurie Forman. I know it's wrong; I just can't help it—I'm like Kelso that way. And there was this one pivotal moment for Jackie & Hyde that I planned to skip because, a) it's been done before, and done well, and b) I felt that with all the intruding these chapters were doing on J/H moments, maybe they deserved this one just to themselves. But then, Laurie got in my head and wouldn't shut up until she had her own chapter, too. So, as with anytime I write Laurie, picture Lisa Robin Kelly, because she is Laurie. Also, the Laurie who exists in this chapter is pretty much drawn entirely from the end of the episode "Baby Fever."

Deep thanks to everyone who reviews, and especially to zeureka and heatherlea75 whose praise inspired and humbled me, and made this chapter the easiest writing process in the whole story.

I swear, one of these days, I'm going to start a chapter with no author's notes, and you people are not going to know what to do with yourselves.

Outside Looking In

VII. Laurie Loves Babies

Laurie liked her job. Well, "liked" was maybe too strong a word. She didn't really like anything that required her to wear clothes. But, for a job, receptionist at the ob./gyn. floor of the hospital wasn't bad. The doctors were almost universally sexy, and about half of them were unhappily married, so she had plans every night of the week. She got to spend a lot of time talking on the phone, and she was much hotter than all the fat chicks who kept coming in here.

But, though she would never admit it, her favorite part of the job was the babies. They were so tiny and cute, and they didn't ever talk back to her. Even their crying wasn't too bad, because there were only three things babies needed: sleep, bottles, and diaper changes. Laurie liked the simplicity of that. Any more than three options, and her head started to hurt.

"Excuse me? Excuse me!"

Of course, there was this annoying part of the job. The people who walked in here actually expected her to talk to them and help them with their problems. Lame.

"David, I'll have to call you back…No, not tonight…Because I'm seeing Jimmy tonight!...Well, why should you care? I don't care about your wife…"

Someone was pounding on the bell behind her. Normally, that wouldn't make her cut her call short, but David was starting to cry, so she hung up the phone and turned around.

"What do you want?"

"Oh my God, what are you doing here, you skank?"

She rolled her eyes when she found Kelso's old girlfriend Jackie glaring at her. "Fez said I had to help with the rent this month; apparently, my setting him up with easy women isn't going to cut it anymore. It's not my fault he keeps scaring them off! But Mom found me a place here, so…" She shrugged. "Why are you here? Kelso give you what I gave him?"

Jackie's whole face contorted with revulsion. "Ewww! And don't be stupid. I'm married to Steven. You were at the wedding, remember?"

"Was there booze?"

"At the reception."

"Then that's why I don't remember."

"Whatever. Look, I have an appointment with Dr. Fielding."

Resigned, Laurie looked through the day's schedule and sure enough found an appointment for Mrs. Steven Hyde. "What is it? Just a check-up?" There was no answer, so Laurie glanced up again. Jackie had paled and was biting her lip. "What? Did Hyde give you something? Is there chafing? The worst ones chafe."

"Ugh! No, not all of us are slutbags like you, Laurie. I…I think I'm pregnant, okay?"

"Ah, okay. Who's the father?"

Jackie's eyes nearly bulged out of her face. "Who do you think? Steven. My husband!" She waved her hand over Laurie's desk, drawing her attention to the large ring there.

"Oh good! Say it just like that, and I'm sure he'll believe you! Have a seat; Dr. Fielding will be with you in a minute."

Jackie stared at her open-mouthed for a minute, before finally shrugging her shoulders and turning away with a muttered, "Whore."

Laurie watched her as she took a seat. A girl like Laurie Forman kept many secrets. If you were going to date married men, it was part of the nature of things. But one thing she never intended to tell anyone was this: she didn't hate Jackie Burkhart. Oh, it was loads of fun taking Kelso away from her and then rubbing it in her face every chance she got. But it was more the principle of the thing. Jackie used hot rollers, and had great hair, and liked the right T.V. shows. She had horrible taste in men—Laurie had only gone for Kelso because she was bored, but Jackie actually seemed to care about the tool, and then she'd moved on to that scruffy loser from the basement—but that didn't generally affect Laurie's opinion of other women. Jackie was bitchy, like Laurie herself, and Laurie kinda dug that about her.

So she watched Jackie, while the younger woman nervously played with her hair and twisted her wedding ring around her finger. If she didn't know better, Laurie would believe her own burn about the baby not being Hyde's. But Jackie wasn't the type who could handle two men at once.

Laurie grinned. She loved her type.

Still, Chuck hadn't called her yet, and she wasn't about to call Larry, so it was either talk to Jackie or do some of that stupid filing that was overflowing her desk.

"Hey, Jackie," she said, coming around the desk and taking a seat across from the anxious brunette, "you want to, I don't know, talk about it?"

"About what? Never mind, 'cause I don't want to talk about anything with you." Jackie paused, then added as an afterthought, "Man-stealer."

"You're still mad about Kelso?"

"No! But it's the principle of the thing."

Laurie nodded. "Yeah. If it makes you feel any better, Kelso was rotten in the sack."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Tell me something I don't know."

"Um, okay. Ooh, here's a good one! Dr. Fielding loves it when I—"

"Eww! I changed my mind. Never, ever tell me anything I don't know."

"Okay! I don't like learning either." Laurie smiled. They were bonding already.

"Go away now."

"Yeah, I'm pretty bored with you, too. But if I don't talk to you, I have to work, so tell me what's wrong!" Laurie gave Jackie her evil stare; it had a habit of making people do what she wanted.

"I already did! I think I'm pregnant!" Jackie glared back; her evil stare was good, too—another reason Laurie liked her—but not as strong as Laurie's.

"But your husband is the father?"

"Yes, Laurie, we can't all be whores like you."

"No, some of you have to be boring, stupid housewives, so husbands feel the need to have outrageously good sex with people like me!"

"I can't believe I'm even talking to you."

"Would booze help? I keep a bottle under my desk for times when there's no one to talk to, and I have to file. It makes the work go a lot faster. Or at least I forget about it faster."

"Laurie, do you think you should be drinking at work?"

Laurie's mind refused to grasp Jackie's outlandish question. How else was she supposed to get through an eight hour shift?

"When you're filing, you're filing patients' records, aren't you? They're kind of important."

Laurie shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not really sure. I mean, reading other people's private information is fun, but I can't read the doctors' handwriting on their files. Which is really funny, because they're always so clear when they're leaving dirty messages on my Post-It notes."

Jackie buried her face in her hands. "I knew I should have gone to a hospital in Kenosha."

Laurie walked across the aisle to sit next to Jackie and pat her back. "Aww, come on, cheer up. You're having a baby! That's the best thing ever!"

"Tell that to Steven," Jackie mumbled behind her hands.

"Okay." Laurie started to rise, glad to have a phone call to make, but Jackie yanked her back down.

"NO! You can't say a word to Steven, or…or to Fez, or to anybody, got that, Laurie? If I'm pregnant, I need to be the one to tell Steven. Once I find a way to break it to him. It could take a while. Like nine months."

"Well, maybe he'll just think you're getting really fat, and he'll be so disgusted he'll leave you, and then you won't have to tell him!" Laurie grinned and bounced in her seat. She was getting so much better at this helping people thing.

"Mrs. Steven Hyde?" A nurse with a clipboard stood in the doorway.

Jackie rose slowly to her feet, while Laurie jumped up beside her.

"Oh, this is the good part!" Laurie assured her. "Dr. Fielding has the best hands!"

Jackie wrinkled her nose in disgust, before silently following the nurse down the hall. She looked like one of those dogs at the pound, or Fez when Laurie sent him to his room.


Laurie had just gotten off the phone with Dennis when Jackie returned. Instead of leaving, Jackie sat back down in the waiting room, a dazed look on her face. She put both hands on her stomach, smoothing her shirt until it was flat.

Laurie bounced around to greet her. "Congratulations, Mommy!"

Jackie glanced up at her; her face was stricken, as though she wasn't sure quite who she was looking at. "I'm having a baby."

"I know! Now, this is the part where you get really excited and start screaming and bouncing up and down, or tell me you don't want it and you'll give it to me. Because I'll take it! Really."

"Of course I want it! I'm not giving a whore like you my baby!"

Laurie nodded. "Yeah, that's what everyone keeps saying, but I keep asking. All I need is one."

"Well, it won't be mine, so back off."

"Okay, but you're really starting to confuse me, Jackie."

Jackie snorted. "Like that's hard." She'd definitely spent too much time around Hyde over the years.

Laurie decided to ignore the burn and keep pressing. "But if you want this baby, and it really is your husband's, why aren't you all, you know, annoying and loud and you about it?"

"Because Steven won't want it."

"Who cares?"

Jackie looked at her as though Laurie had started speaking a foreign language. "I do! He's my husband."

"Right. So he's stuck with you and your baby. Or at least with paying the bills."

"You don't get it."

Laurie really didn't. To her, Jackie's situation seemed pretty near perfect. And who cared if Hyde left her? He was only Hyde.

"He told me, before we ever got married, that he didn't want kids."

"And you went through with it? God, how dumb are you?"

Jackie gave her another evil glare. This one was better than the last. "I'm smart enough to get the ring on my finger by not picking the fight then. I always planned to talk him into kids eventually. After a few years, once my career was set—and oh God, I just got a promotion at work, and now I'm gonna have to take a year's maternity leave, so no one sees how fat I'll get!" Jackie's eyes clouded over with tears.

"Yeah," Laurie commiserated, "and you're tiny, so most of it will end up in your face."

Jackie stifled her wail in a tissue pulled from her purse. "It's all Steven's stupid fault," she griped. "I forgot my pills during our weekend at the cabin, and he couldn't be bothered to go thirty miles through the snow to pick up protection. Then it was all, 'forget it, doll, we'll be fine,' but I just know the second I tell him it will be, 'what the crap were you trying to pull? You set this up, didn't you?'"

"Yeah, men suck. Well, except for their hands. And their mouths. Ooh, and their penises!" Laurie sighed dreamily.

"Gross! I'm going now. I can't believe I told you all this."

"No, no, it's good you did. I know just what you need. Come on!"

"I can't drink, Laurie. I'm pregnant, remember? And I don't want my baby ending up like you."

"This is better than a drink. Well, almost. Sometimes." Laurie took her hand and pulled a much-protesting Jackie back down the hallway, past Dr. Fielding's office, to an alcove with a stork painted along one wall.

"See! Isn't it wonderful?" Laurie spread her arms, as though welcoming Jackie to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Or Chippendale's on Friday nights.

Jackie stepped forward, tentatively nearing the long window Laurie had indicated. Behind the glass lay a row of pink and blue bundles—sleeping, squirming, squalling infants. "Oh!" Her right hand fluttered to rest on her chest, while the left caressed the glass longingly.

"Isn't it great? There's a nurse on guard in there all the time, but someday I'll catch one gone on a bathroom break. It's only a three minute run to the front door."

Jackie blinked at her. "What?"

"Er, I mean…you're having a baby!" Laurie said, with some well-timed misdirection.

"I'm having a baby," Jackie repeated in a whisper. She focused on the babies through the window. "I'm having a baby." A little stronger. One of the little pink babies gurgled up at her. "I'm having a baby!" Jackie was jumping up and down now. "I'm having a baby!"

A very pregnant woman walked into the hall. Jackie ran over to her and clutched her hands. "I'm having a baby! Oh, so are you. Well, mine will be prettier than yours!" Jackie ran back towards the waiting room; Laurie could hear her telling more people her news.

Laurie smiled at the stunned woman Jackie had left in her wake. "She's right, you know. I've seen your husband. Your baby's gonna be an uggo. Too bad about that."


Laurie hated Hyde, and she hated rock music, and she hated Hyde's stupid rock music store. And the fact that Jimmy insisted on stopping there before their first date ensured that he wasn't getting a second one. The minute the sex was over, she was kicking him out the door.

She flopped down on the couch in the listening center, while Jimmy searched for that Doors album that he was so sure would only be there on this one day. She crossed her arms and sulked.

"Hey, Laurie, get your ass off my couch! I don't need my customers suing me if they catch something from you."

"I'm the one who should sue. I'll probably get head lice from your stupid hippie customers." It was meant to be a retaliatory burn, but the thought of creepy crawlies made Laurie jump to her feet.

Hyde chuckled. "Man, Laurie. That was weak."

"Yeah, I think I've gotten out of practice without you and Eric around." Laurie sighed.

"Hey, you've got Fez."

"But all I have to do to burn him is turn him down for sex. It's too easy."

"Like you."

Hyde: 2, Laurie: 0.

This could not be allowed to continue. There must be something she could burn him with. But he wasn't poor anymore, and he didn't live in the basement.

The door jingled open, and Jackie entered. The brunette's eyes widened at the sight of Laurie. Laurie grinned. Now, she remembered. This should be fun.

"Oh, hi, Jackie. Didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon," she said, with a bright, purposely ditzy smile.

Jackie didn't rise to the bait. She swept past Laurie and grabbed her husband's hand in hers. "Steven, I need to talk to you."

"Crap. What did I do now?"

"Nothing. But there's something I need to tell you, before you hear it from someone else." She glared at Laurie, but there was a plea and a warning in her eyes.

"Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. Jackie, have you been letting another man put his hands on your naughty parts?"

Hyde looked between the two of them, before focusing on his wife. "Jackie, do you know how to translate whore into English? What the hell is she talking about?"

The look on Jackie's face reminded Laurie eerily of the day she'd jumped at her over the couch. Laurie took a cautious step back.

"Laurie works in my gynecologist's office, that's all. I had an appointment today."

"Wait. Laurie works in a doctor's office? Doesn't that violate every health code? Although I'm sure it's convenient for you; you can keep those penicillin refills coming."

Hyde: 4.

"Jackie's pregnant!"

Laurie: 7 lbs. 4 oz.

"You BITCH!" Jackie screamed. She took a long stride toward Laurie.

"Now, now, Jackie, think about the baby," Laurie warned, but she retreated across the store all the same.

"You're—you're pregnant?" Hyde stammered.

Hyde's dirty hippie friend was walking past and stopped. He looked at Laurie. "Whoa. You're pregnant? Congratulations, man. It's not mine, is it?"

His own address he forgot, but the fact that she'd once let him get to third base three years ago, he remembered. "No!" Laurie shrieked. "It's not even mine!"

"Wow. That's like a miracle or somethin', man."

"Steven? Steven, please, say something," Jackie whimpered.

"You're—you're pregnant?"

Tears swelled in Jackie's eyes. Her gaze traveled from Hyde, to Laurie, to Leo, to the growing crowd of onlookers. With a strangled cry, she ran out the door.

"Nice going, Hyde!" Laurie turned the full force of her death glare onto him.

"Me!?" Hyde's stupor left with Jackie's disappearance. He turned to Laurie, fists balled at his side. "You're the one who did all this!"

"All I did was tell the truth! Something your wife was too afraid to do, because she knew you'd be an ass about it, and, guess what? You were."

"Jackie was afraid to tell me?"

Laurie nodded, smiling. It was so great to know things other people didn't. "Yeah. She probably ran out of here like that so she wouldn't have to hear you start blaming her."

"Blame her? Why would I blame her?"

"Because you're an ass. Keep up, Hyde."

"Get out, Laurie."

Laurie frowned. "Are you sure? I could take you to see the baby window! It cheered Jackie right up!"

"Out."

"Fine! I hate your stupid store anyway. It smells like feet. And your baby will, too." Laurie looked for Jimmy and saw him next in line at the register, beaming down at a dumb album cover. She marched over and grabbed his collar. "Come on, Jimmy. We're leaving."

"But…but the Doors, man!"

She tossed the album across the room. "I'm pissed and bored, and I need sex now."

"You don't want, you know, dinner and a movie first?"

Laurie rolled her eyes. "This is the last time I'm letting my mother set me up." She pulled him out of Grooves by his shirtfront.


It wasn't even good sex; she'd had to do most of the work herself.

The moron still looked dazed as he pulled into her parents' driveway. "So I'll, I'll call you?" He was liking her a lot better now. Surprise, surprise.

"Gee, that'd be super, Jimmy," Laurie simpered then sped out of the car so he couldn't see her smile turn into a scowl.

"Wait a minute! I don't have your number!"

She slammed the sliding glass door shut in his face. That should give him a hint. If it didn't, she'd just introduce him to Daddy.

The sobs overwhelmed her, the instant she stepped inside.

"Jackie, Jackie, dear, won't you please tell us what's wrong?"

"Ste-Steven…and the…and then…ca-cabin…and…"

"Damn it, Kitty, I don't care what's wrong. Get the girl off me before I drown."

Laurie took in the strange scene at the kitchen table. Jackie sobbing into Red's shoulder, while Red alternated between patting her back and trying to push her away, and Laurie's mother hovering nervously, stroking Jackie's hair while trying to convince her to eat a cupcake.

"God, don't you have your own parents to cry on?" Laurie shot out, struck by a sudden, rare pang of jealousy.

Kitty covered Jackie's ears as she raised her face to her daughter. "No, she doesn't," she whispered.

"YOU!" Jackie shook off Kitty's touch and rose to her feet. All her tears had suddenly dried. "I always knew you were evil, but why would you do that to me? I thought you were happy about the baby!"

"I am! But Hyde kept burning me, and I had to burn him back, or else lose everything my reputation is built upon. I'd be like Eric or something." Laurie shuddered at the thought.

"Wait a minute!" Kitty broke in. "Baby? What baby? Jackie, are you having a baby?"

Miserable, Jackie nodded.

Kitty clapped her hands together and squealed. "Oh! Isn't that the most wonderful thing? Red, don't you think that's just the most wonderful thing you've ever heard? A baby! Oh! Jackie, what are you doing standing there? Sit down, sit down." She practically pushed Jackie back into her seat at the table. "Have a cupcake. And I'll get you a nice big glass of milk. Is there anything else you'd like to eat? If we don't have it here, I'm sure Red will pop right out and get it for you."

"No, I won't," Red said, picking up his newspaper.

"This is, this is really nice, Mrs. Forman, but I—"

"Oh, don't you worry about a thing, dear. I'm serious. You need rest and food, and where better to find that than here? I don't like the idea of you all alone in that apartment while Steven is at work. He should drop you off here every morning on his way in! But all that traveling won't be good for you either. Oh, I know! You should both move back in here!" Kitty squeezed the back of Jackie's chair, bending over while she beamed and tried to suppress her giggles of delight. "You two can have Eric's room, and we'll turn Laurie's old room into a nursery!"

"Hey!" Laurie protested. She glared at Jackie. This was so unfair. Laurie should be the one having the baby and being made a big fuss over. She took it back. She did hate Jackie.

"Kitty, settle down. They're not moving back in here." Red pointed his finger at Jackie, his face stern. "You're not moving in here."

Laurie grinned, leaning down to kiss her father on his shiny, bald head. "I love you, Daddy." She pointed her tongue out at Jackie while Kitty wasn't looking.

"Love you, too, Kitten. But you're not moving in here either." Red raised his paper again.

"Well, of course, she's not. The baby is going to need a playroom, at least. There's not room in that tiny apartment of yours, Jackie. You'll just have to bring him—or her—or them…" Kitty giggled and clapped at her idea of twins. "…over every, single day."

"One baby, Mrs. Forman. I'm having one baby," Jackie said quickly, looking horrified. "And it's a good thing, too, because Steven doesn't even want this one." Tears pooled in her eyes.

It amazed Laurie. She could cry on cue, but she sensed that Jackie's tears were actually, bizarrely, real. That wasn't natural.

"Not want a baby?" It was Kitty's turn to be horrified. Then she turned a hateful glare on her husband. "This is all your fault, Red Forman."

Red groaned. "Kitty, I had absolutely nothing to do with making Steven a dumbass."

"Yes, you did! All your hating babies has rubbed off on him. It's no wonder I still have no grandchildren, Red!"

"Sure, rub it in, Mom," Laurie griped, but no one paid any attention to her.

"For crying out loud, Steven is a grown man, who can make up his own mind about things. If he doesn't want children, that's between him and Jackie. Why must you people always drag us into your messes?"

"I…I'm so-sorry, Mr. For-man," Jackie stuttered in a slightly hysterical voice. "I d-don't mean to b-be such a, a bother." It was the most she could handle. She laid her arms out on the table and folded her head down onto them.

"Now look what you've done!" Kitty shrieked, moving swiftly to console Jackie.

Red sighed. "I just wanted to read my paper."

Laurie turned at the sound of the sliding door opening. She pointed to the entering Hyde. "It's not your fault, Daddy. It's his. Make him suffer." She grinned evilly at her pseudo-adopted brother.

"Hey, Laurie. Your date left your panties in the driveway." When Laurie tried to see around Hyde out the door, he chuckled. "Made you look."

"St-Steven, what are you doing here?" Jackie hiccoughed, raising her puffy, blotchy face. This was why Laurie never cried for real. It made you look terrible; even Jackie couldn't pull it off.

"Picking you up. Let's go home, Jackie."

"No," Jackie shot out, sitting straighter in her chair. "You go. I'm staying with Mrs. Forman. She's already offered me and the baby a home here."

"Oh yay! A baby in the house again!" Kitty laughed, then abruptly sobered as her eyes landed on Hyde. "I mean, I'm so sorry, Steven."

"Mrs. Forman, Red, could you please give Jackie and me a minute alone to talk?"

Kitty placed herself protectively in front of Jackie. "After all the horrible things you said to this poor girl?"

"Mrs. Forman, I didn't say anything to Jackie."

"Well, that's just as bad!" Jackie yelled.

"Jackie, you didn't give me the chance to say anything. You just dropped—no, wait, let Laurie drop—this huge news on me and then you ran out before I'd even processed any of it."

Slightly cowed, Kitty turned back to Jackie. "Jackie, dear, is this true?"

"Well, yeah, but only because I knew what he was going to say anyway!"

Red groaned and stood. "Come on, Kitty. Let's let these dumbasses work this one out for themselves. You," he pointed at Jackie, "listen to what your husband has to say. And you," he turned toward Hyde, "for heaven's sake, make her stop crying. She's a human faucet." He stalked out of the kitchen, pulling his reluctant wife with him.

"I'm just going to tape a new letter for Eric," Laurie heard her mother say before the kitchen door swung shut.

Hyde turned to glare at Laurie.

"What?"

"Get out of here, man!"

"Oh. No." Laurie sat down on one of the barstools. "I like seeing people fight. Besides, Jackie might need the moral support."

"That's right. Laurie can stay," Jackie piped up.

"What!? Jackie, you hate her."

"I know that, but she's actually happy about this baby, so I like her better than you right now."

Laurie smiled and blinked innocently at Hyde. "Do you hear that, Hyde? I'm your wife's favorite."

Hyde ignored her. He sat down at the table, across from Jackie. "Jackie, why do you think I don't want this baby?"

"Um, because you told me you never wanted to have a baby. Like a thousand times."

"Yeah, I also told you we weren't getting those purple curtains, and what color are our damn curtains?"

"They're the most beautiful pale lavender—"

"They're purple, Jackie."

"So what's your point?"

"My point is that it's your job to talk me into stuff I don't want. I knew when I married you that that would include babies someday."

Jackie still looked unsure. "Sooo you're not mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because I forgot my pills that weekend at the cabin, but still seduced you into bed."

"I'm sorry. Who seduced who again?" Hyde smirked.

"Oh gross," Laurie put in.

Jackie whirled to glare at her. "I could make you leave, you know."

Laurie bit her tongue, literally, to keep in her retort.

"Look, Doll, I said at the time it would be fine. Did you forget?"

"I didn't forget. I just didn't think you meant 'fine,' as in, 'it's okay if you get pregnant, fine.' I thought you meant, 'fine,' as in, 'just take off your panties, fine.'"

"It can't mean both?"

"Steven!" But Jackie laughed and half-heartedly swatted at him. Hyde caught her hand and pulled her out of her seat and into his lap. Her fingers played absently with the sunglasses resting in the collar of his shirt. "So we're fine?"

"Yeah, we're cool."

"And you're not mad?"

"Nah."

"And you're happy about the baby?"

Hyde hesitated.

"Steee-ven…" Jackie's voice hovered between warning and whining.

"Honest?"

"Are you crazy?" Laurie threw out. "You can't be honest. You heard what Daddy said about her crying, didn't you?"

Hyde went on as though he hadn't heard her. "Right now, I'm a little bit happy, a shitload freaked out."

"Wow. I never would have known, Steven. You seem so in control."

Hyde nodded smugly. "It's the Zen, baby."

"Steven, you want to know something? I'm a little freaked out, too."

"No, really? Who would have guessed?" Laurie asked, sarcasm dripping from her words.

"But," Jackie continued, "but I know that when the time comes, we're going to be just fine at this whole parenting thing. I mean, we're good at everything!"

"And hey, if you're not, I can baby-sit!"

"Oh, yeah." Jackie pivoted to face Laurie. "About that. You're not going to be allowed near my baby. Did I forget to mention that?"

"What!? Why not?" Laurie let her inner evil infect her voice and expression.

"Well, I can't have you getting your slut germs all over it. No offense." Jackie shrugged, while Hyde smirked at Laurie.

Laurie's eyes narrowed. It was official. She might not have hated Jackie Burkhart, but she despised Jackie Hyde. "Fine then! I'm going to have to go have sex with Fez now, thanks to you."

Jackie's face twisted in revulsion. "Ewww! Why thanks to me?"

"Because if you're not going to share, I need my own damn baby!" Laurie headed for the door, glaring at the parents-to-be all the way.

As she left, she heard Hyde mumble behind her, "Perviest babies ever."