Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: I couldn't help, I needed to start this WIP. I hope you like it : ) I do like the idea of the plot, the concept for the whole story is already written and I think I should be able to update once a week : ) (not as slow as I am updating the petals of a wild rose I promise!)

There will be 11 chapters.

Pairing: GSR, because I'm a shipper for life!

Summary: A roller coaster of feelings and memories is going to hunt Grissom through this piece. It all starts with a murdered woman being found in a motel room... Did Grissom end up like Lurie? Is the woman who gave his life a sense really dead? Could he take a life? Can he save what was lost? Will there be a chance for him to get the life back that he had started to live four years ago and had lost two years afterwards?

Shattered hearts and resurrected dreams

Chapter 1

He pulled into the motel's parking lot, turned off the engine of his car, left it, went to get his kit from the trunk…it felt like it always felt. It was like it always was. He followed his daily routine, working the case, not showing emotions, doing the paper work, not thinking anything at all, going home where he was alone, trying to not feel anything, sleeping, hoping to not dream of her and the next day would be the same.

But after tonight nothing would be the same again, he didn't know yet though.

He saw Catherine standing in front of the barrier tape, discussing with a detective whom he had seen before but couldn't really remember. As he arrived Catherine turned to him and he wondered what had happened because that expression in her face wasn't what he usually saw there.

"Any reason why you are standing here and are not inside searching for evidence?" he asked in his usual tone, with the usual sound of his voice.

After this nothing would be usual anymore. Not tonight and not in the next period of time.

"We are not allowed to work the case." She spoke softly and he noticed that her voice was shaking, he also noticed that her whole body was shaking. But he didn't know what to reason from this, he wondered if she would tell him. He thought about raising an eyebrow like he used to do, he thought about throwing a questioning look at her like he sometimes did. But then she started to speak again, her voice sounding sad, somehow there were traces of anger but he wasn't really sure. "Gil." She paused for a second, maybe less. She almost whispered and with all the people around it was hard to understand her. Just then he realized that everybody was staring at them, well almost everybody. He felt a weird mixture of feelings rising up in him, he began to worry about the reason why they were not allowed to work the case. "We…we had a… our relationship with the victim…"

"Who's the victim?" His voice sounded concerned, he was, he just wished that he could hide it better.

"…I entered and we were searching for any personal stuff to ID her…there's not much left of…" she swallowed hard. "The person who did this to her wanted to make sure that we wouldn't be able to identify her. He forgot the driver's licence though. Maybe it was hidden too well, maybe he hadn't enough time to search for it."

"Catherine, I don't want to know about all this. Just tell me who the victim is!" He grabbed her upper arms and shook her slightly. He knew that she was listing up all the facts because she felt that she wasn't strong enough to tell him who it was. But he needed to know.

"Sara." Her voice was almost soundless. But he heard her anyways. He wished he wouldn't have heard her though.

He felt numb. Completely numb. He couldn't move, he couldn't breath, he couldn't think.

He's sitting on the armchair in the corner of the room, a soft smile on his lips as his eyes wander over her body which is half covered with their blankets. She's lying on her right side, her left leg is not covered, it lies on top of the white blankets. His eyes start right there, her toes, her knee, her thigh, her hip…

She throws his pillow at him, he knows that she doesn't like it when he's looking at her like this. She never believes him when he tells her how beautiful she is. For him she's the most beautiful woman in the world. His angel, his honey, his beautiful Sara.

"Don't you do that." She says trying to be serious but she breaks out into laughter right then.

He grins and he walks over to her, sitting down on the edge of the mattress, he reaches out for her hand. He places soft kisses on her knuckles and looks into her eyes while doing so.

She smiles brightly.

"I love you." She says softly and means it honestly, her words coming from the bottom of her heart and he knows it. And he can't describe how happy he feels. How much he loves her.

I love you… I love you… I love you…

Her words echoed in his head. It didn't stop. Over and over again he heard her voice saying those words to him. He had given up hope to hear her saying those words to him again long time ago, but knowing that the woman who had changed his life into something better would never be able to say anything at all again… it stabbed his heart over and over again. Again and again and again... But there was no blood on his shirt, he wouldn't bleed. His heart had stopped beating long ago, it was frozen since a long time and probably some of the daggers would break before they could actually hurt him.


He pretended that he didn't hear her. Once again, even if it was only in his head, once again he needed to hear Sara telling him that she loved him.

She didn't say it again. Catherine had ripped him out of this weird mixture between daydream and thoughts.

"Gil? Gil…if you…"

"I'm okay." He wasn't and he knew she wouldn't believe it. He didn't care. "Is dayshift working this case?"

"Yes." She answered softly and he knew that she was cursing him for pretending to be untouched by the fact that the dead woman had been identified as Sara.

He nodded softly. Then he turned around and left. Not telling anyone where he would go, when he would be back, what he would do… he didn't know it himself.


"Al all I'm doing is asking you for a favor." He pleaded desperately.

"Gil, the dayshift coroner is responsible for her case, I am not allowed to talk about his work or to let you walk into the morgue and take a look at her only because…"

"Let me say goodbye." He was still pleading with the same desperation but this time Al Robbins gave in. He nodded softly and stepped aside, letting Grissom enter the morgue.

"The first one on the left, second from the top." He said with dried voice. "I'm sorry Gil." He added. "I know how much she still meant to you."

Grissom nodded, not really listening to what Doc Robbins had said. He opened the drawer and his eyes slowly wandered over the lifeless body that was still covered with a white blanket. He swallowed hard, he didn't know if he could look at her. He had been warned. Catherine had warned him. She had told him that the murderer, to prevent any identification, had removed fingertips and tiptoes. Catherine had added that there had been cuts all over the brunette's face, the sharp blade of the knife had left out not even the tiniest piece of skin.

He slowly removed the white cover, not much, only so far that his eyes could wander over her feet up to her knees. He swallowed hard. The memories of her ran through his head with an enormous speed.

He heard footsteps behind him but didn't care. He felt tears rising up in his eyes, seeing the woman he'd loved more than everything else in the world lying on the cold steel.

"Dr. Gil Grissom?" a cold male voice asked him.

He didn't turn around to look at the man. He just nodded.

"You're arrested for the murder of Sara Sidle. Everything you say can and will be used against you in trial. You have the right to a fair trial and a lawyer. If you don't have a lawyer, …" The man spoke with harsh voice while he handcuffed him.

Grissom didn't move. Didn't do anything to stop the man from doing so. He just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.