Pink Squirrel Orgies

is a Resident Evil Outbreak story, but there will be a few guest appearances at some points, from other RE games.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

PS I don't mean anything against gays, or anyone else.

Chapter One – Kevie's Love Issues

Kevin the cop sighed sadly, trying to drink away his sorrows. He had failed, once again, to become a member of the elite police unit, "S.T.A.R.S.". He didn't know what the problem was – he had flirted with Albert Wesker, complimenting his sexy 24-hour shades and his pretty blond hair. But the S.T.A.R.S. captain had only stared at him with a cold expression on his face. Again, Kevin's dream of working with that hunk had been killed.

"That man's made of ice," Kevin muttered, sniffling. He gulped down his pink squirrel and asked the bartender for another.

"What's the matter, po-po?" Will asked, putting another drink in front of his customer.

"What do you think? I wasn't accepted by S.T.A.R.S.," Kevin replied glumly.

"And that was try number…seventeen?" Will asked, thinking.

"Sixteen," Kevin corrected absently.

"Hey, I know you've got a thing for that captain, but you really should give up. It seems like you just aren't S.T.A.R.S. material. Besides, I don't think flirting's going to work on that Wesker guy," Will said.

"No, he's definitely into it. I can tell," Kevin said.

Will wondered if the cop meant that the captain was gay, or was susceptible to flirting. He doubted either was true. But he doubted even more that Kevin would listen to him, so he patted his customer on the arm and said comfortingly, "There's always next time."

Kevin looked up and brightened a little. "You're right. I just need to try harder," he said.

He thought for a second. He needed to try something new. But how could he get the captain to notice him? How could he get him to give in to his feelings?

"I've got it!" he cried suddenly, not noticing the waitress drop a glass at the unexpected shout. He'd read about a trick in his favorite mag - "Cosmopolitan" - where you bring in a new guy friend and wait for your man to get jealous.

He looked around at the other customers for a candidate.

"Ugh, too fat," he said, looking at Mark.

"Hey!" the fat man yelled gruffly. "McDonald's is my only friend!"

"Too ugly," Kevin remarked, looking towards Jim.

Jim burst into tears and ran into the bathroom.

"Too…female," the cop observed, looking at Cindy. The waitress looked up for a second then shrugged, going back to picking up the shattered glass.

Kevin's eyes rested on David, and he smiled. "Just right."

The plumber was sitting at the other side of the bar by himself, sipping his beer. Kevin stood and walked over, taking a seat beside his target.

"Hey, how's it goin'?" he asked.

David looked at him with a bored, and slightly drunk, expression. "Huh?"

Kevin hoped that the drunkenness would be to his advantage. "My name's Kevin. Can I buy you another beer?"

David seemed confused for a second. Then he asked dubiously, "Are you hitting on me?"

"I dunno. Do you like it?" Kevin replied.

"Sorry, man, but I don't swing that way," David said. He looked down into his glass, hoping the cop would go away. Cops and gay guys both brought back terrible memories...

Ooh, a challenge, Kevin thought, grinning.

"What the hell are you smiling about?" David asked. Gay cops grinning brought back the worst memories of all. And, it made no sense - why would this guy smile after being rejected?

"Oh, nothing," Kevin replied, already scheming.

.o End of Chapter o.