It just makes a-sense. This is the end, gaiz!
Disclaimer: I do not own the any of the intellectual property in the Resident Evil movies, books, and video games, and make no claims on the characters, locations, situations, etc. that are presented therein. I do not profit from the writing and posting of this fan fiction.
Chapter 35 - Everybody Loves David
"God, what is with these people? Does every person who owns a fucking building in this city have to have a raging boner for puzzles? If you need an emergency ladder, then you probably don't have time-"
"David! DAVID! You're breaking it!" Kevin screamed to be heard over the plumber's angry rant.
"Oh. You're right," David replied. Then he punched the power restoration panel once more. "Oops, I think I broke it. Guess we'll have to figure out some other way to get down. Like just dangle down and drop five feet to the ground."
"Wow, David. I love the violence and all, but...I would probably dial down the rage a little," Cindy commented.
"Gee, sorry, possessed demon bitch, but I guess I'm just kinda tired of this dragging on and on to forever."
"Then let's end it like a bunch of badasses!" Kevin roared. There was agreement all around, with one extra voice joining in the fray.
"Omigod, Yoko!" Alyssa squealed, giving a zero-armed hug. Which pretty much consisted of bumping into Yoko.
"Uh, hi," the Asian girl said awkwardly.
The two sexually-confused women looked around confusedly for a minute before meeting each other's eyes.
"Oh, Yoko! All I have are regrets! Can you forgive me, so we can be together forever and ever?" Alyssa cried.
"Er...," Yoko muttered, not sure what to say or do.
"Pass," Kevin suggested in a bored tone.
"Call her bluff!" Cindy said.
"Just hook up already so I have one less thing to worry about," David grumbled.
"Yes, Alyssa! Let's be together forever!"
"And ever," Kevin added, "Since you're both zombies." Then he realized half the group was undead now, and he almost peed himself a little. Close, but not quite. He turned to David. "I gotta go to the bathroom all of a sudden, but anyway. Aww, see how happy they are? What about us, David?"
The plumber turned his head slowly toward the other male. "Stop talking to me."
"Why? Why can't we just be together?" the cop sobbed.
"I don't know. Believe what you want, just believe that you and me ain't happening. How about 'it's a cruel, homophobic world where two gay men can't have a happily ever after'? Something like that?"
"Ah!" Kevin squeaked, pointing at David. "You're admitting you're gay!"
"Nah. I'm getting out of here now. You freaks do what you want."
"Oof!" went Yoko as Alyssa landed on top of her. She was being a good girlfriend and catching her armless lover as they reached the lobby floor. They looked into each other's eyes and then giggled in pure joy.
"I'm gonna be sick," Kevin said, immediately vomiting on the floor.
"Hey! Just because it's the apocalypse doesn't mean you can do as you please!" someone shrieked.
"Whoa. How'd we miss that thing?" Kevin asked, wiping his mouth. There was a bright-red Licker hanging from the ceiling in front of them. It had long hair and a t-shirt on, distinguishing it from the countless other Lickers in the building. Oh, and it still had eyes and an intact skull. Actually, it mostly just looked like a human who had been boiled alive and stuck to the ceiling.
"Ugh. Ruude!" the Licker cried.
"Would your name happen to be 'Regis', by any chance?" Cindy asked. She was beginning to share David's desire to get this over with.
"No, it's Karen. Why?" the Licker asked.
"Because WHABAM!" Cindy replied, pulling a shotty from Alyssa's God-knows-where and firing into the Licker's face.
"Ow! Why would you do something like that?" the ceiling monster demanded.
"Honestly? I thought it would do a better job of shutting you up. Sorry 'bout that."
"Just blow her brain up already! She's blocking the muthableepin' exit!" Alyssa cried.
Cindy gaped at the other blonde. "I can't do that! Think of me as a girl Wesker."
"Wesker? Where?" Kevin said, his eyes darting around the room. Then he looked at David, who was totally disinterested. "Erp. Not that I'm in love with him or anything. Don't get jealous."
"You don't have to worry about that. Moron," David rumbled. He looked at Cindy. "Now why the hell can't you just kill the bitch?"
"Language!" the Regis Licker aka Karen called out warningly.
David glared at it. Which was the equivalent of a Pokemon using Attract - and it was super effective! Karen clasped her hands together and sighed dreamily.
"Hey! No falling in love with my man!" Kevin cried.
"Okay. The sexy guy can live. Nomnomnom the rest of them, my minions!" the Regis Licker said dramatically.
Suddenly, a stampede of Lickers entered the room from various doors and crevices and portals to alternate dimensions. A hairless squirrel - its bare hide a pale red hue - was carried along in the throng.
"Oh hai! Long time no see!" Cindy said to the squirrel. It squeaked back and waved a paw while the Lickers circled the survivors and hissed. Sensing the threat to its master, the squirrel flew at the nearest Licker and started biting through its carotid. "Good boy!" Cindy added. She then dropped the shotgun and raised her hands above her head, starting an incantation.
"It's time to take out the trash," Kevin said lamely, and lifted his empty gun. He smacked the nearest Licker in the face to no avail. The beast tackled him to the ground. "Agh! It didn't work!" the cop screamed. "Save me, David!"
David speedily ignored him as he as he whipped his utility knife around all cool-like, slashing at another Licker and dodging its deadly claws. Yoko picked up the shotgun and pumped it. Alyssa hid behind her while she shot a third Licker and brought it down.
"Why didn't Cindy allow me to keep that PS3? It would make such a useful bludgeoning tool!" George exclaimed. He made do with a lamp off the reception counter and made like a lion tamer, jabbing at a mutant to keep it at bay.
"It's having it's way with me!" Kevin screamed as he wrestled with the Licker. The creature's tongue was slashing at his arms, though he managed to hold off its claws.
"You wish," David muttered, jumping back from a Licker's slash attack. He then leapt forward and stabbed the knife straight into the Licker's brain. Unfortunately, the thing survived, and now the plumber's knife was lodged into its head.
"Eek! This battle is terribly unbalanced!" George said. His lamp was gone, swatted aside like it was nothing. He ran away with the Licker close behind.
Just then, Cindy's incantation was finished and yet another mysterious portal opened. A pile of familiar, pink, squirming creatures poured out. With a mighty collective squeak, they jumped up and rained doom down on the Lickers. The humanoid monsters made horrible gurgling sounds as their blood gushed from a multitude of wounds on their throats.
"Noooo! My loyal minions!" Karen said. "I will avenge you!"
"Yoko! Kill dat bitch!" Cindy suggested politely.
The undead Asian pumped her shotty again and turned towards the Regis Licker. But before she could fire, Karen's tongue lashed out and grabbed the weapon, throwing it down the hallway she was guarding.
"Oh no! Our only loaded weapon! We're fucked!" Alyssa said. She mushed her body against her lover's. "Baby, since we're about to die-"
"Just make her head go asplodey!" Kevin said, shoving a Licker corpse of himself and walking menacingly towards Cindy. A pink rodent read the threat in his body language and jumped at him.
"Down boy!" The blonde demoness barked. The squirrel put its head down and walked over to her submissively, and she picked it up and began to stroke its back lovingly. She shook her head in answer to Kevin's demand. "It's against the rules! Look it up! We have to have a big epic-"
BOOM! went the Regis Licker as an RPG struck her. The explosion converted her and the ceiling and wall into bite-sized bits.
"Well, shit. Someone broke the Wesker rule," Cindy said.
An imposing silhouette could be seen approaching through the cloud of dust. The survivors wondered if he be friend or foe. There were some crazy people in apocalypses...
As the man emerged from the debris, Kevin and David yelled out a name at the same time: "Wesker!"
Kevin looked over at David. "Wait. How do you know...? And why did you...?"
David ignored him for the millionth time as he ran forward, arms open wide. "You saved me!"
The blonde killing machine opened his arms as well, wrapping the plumber in a loving embrace. "Of course I did. I got here just in time."
"Buh-buh-WHAT?" Kevin sobbed. He looked at each of his remaining companions, his hands held up questioningly, his mouth hanging open.
Wesker watched him and let out a great laugh of pure evil. After a moment, David joined him. Alyssa did, too. Yoko elbowed her in the ribs, shaking her head.
"What's going on here?" George asked, coming back to the group after his great escape.
"Well," Cindy started, "see, David was-"
"You're with Wesker? How did this happen?" Kevin demanded.
"We sexy people need to stick together. We can't be seen carrying on with fools like you," Wesker said coldly.
"Sorry, Kevin. It had to be this way," David said. "Maybe you can hook up with Chris Redfield or something."
Kevin fell to his knees and put his face in his hands. "Why, God? Why?"
The other survivors made their way outside, patting the weeping cop on the back as they went by.
"I don't really understand the situation, but you have my condolences," George said.
"I did not see this coming...but I kinda like it," Cindy whispered.
"That's what you get for making fun of child abuse!" Alyssa said with a cackle.
"Um... Bye," Yoko muttered.
And David and Wesker walked in their assless chaps towards the sunset. Happy times were had by all - except for Kevin, who was miserable as hell.
...Until two months later, when he met the undead superpowered version of William Birkin, who happened to be in town researching why every man in Raccoon City had turned gay. They got married and had beautiful mutant babies.
.o End o.