Never Let Me Go

I've been awake for the last twenty or so minutes; unable to catch the sleep I so desperately need. I've only been up twenty-four hours straight. It's pouring outside, which surprises me since it was so nice out today…and yesterday. I'm fascinated as I watch the thick, wet drops sliding slowly down the glass. Some melding together with others, some reaching the end alone. Kinda reminds me of life. But I really don't feel like getting into that right now. That would be my sorry ass love life, which I'd have to say has definitely improved. Guess who is lying next to me, sound asleep? Lucky bastard… Munch? No, oh gawd no, guess again. Yup, you guessed it, my partner. Yea I know, I'm in the same state of shock. Partner doesn't necessarily represent 'in crime' now huh? Sorry, that got out before I could stop it. I could, like, run through what happened if you like?

So here is what happened….

I had stayed at the hospital; it was a little after midnight I think, sitting in the waiting room with my face in my hands. I remember thinking how uncomfortable the chairs are when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I didn't look up, because lo and behold I was crying. Wonder why? That little girl almost died, and I would have blamed myself if she did. She went through so much, plus being buried alive, and I had the nerve not to believe her….of course that train of thought didn't last long, but still. I didn't want to admit it, but I had wished that he had been there with me, but he's here now. He offered to drive me home, since I had come in with the ambulance, I accepted. I don't think I really realized how much the case affected me, right down to my core. Of course, he knew, I had felt it, sitting next to him while he drove. He always knows. He has this way of reading me that nobody has ever been able to do before, and I him. It was silent the entire way to my apartment.

"We're here." His voice pulled me from my thoughts and I had blindly shoved the door open and got out. I followed him through the parking lot, up the steps into my building, and finally to the elevator. Another completely, silent ride. Oh joy, I love those. It had seemed like forever for us to reach the door. Soon we were inside after my embarrassing display at getting the key to fit in the lock. He grabbed my shaking hands and gently pulled me to him. And I hold onto him for dear life, the tears finally escaping in his presence. I hate crying in front of him. It always reminds me of our first case together. Which goes to show how much I've grown, now only really, really, really bad cases affect me this way. But then he's pulling away from me and I'm staring at him, the flow stopped, but tears linger in my eyes. Then, it just happens, we're kissing. WE ARE KISSING. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson are KISSING. Is that hell freezing over or a pig landing on the roof? After that it was just who got their clothes off faster.

Exciting no? I really just want to go back to sleep. But guess who comes a-knocking. Carefully removing myself from underneath his arm is a little hard, I'm trying not to wake him up. Finally I can get to the bathroom. Walking back out, I glance down to my naked body and sigh. Finding underwear, I pull them on and then a t-shirt. I run a shaky hand through my hair and exit the dark room, thunder rumbles loudly, rattling the window. After downing a glass of water, I lean back against the counter and feel them, gently trickling down my cheeks. What the hell is this? When did I become so emotional? Probably started with puberty, I was forced to mature very quickly. Without realizing it of course, I was too busy with school, trying to impress the mother that was never really there. A half yawn, half sigh escapes my lips as I drag my hand across my cheeks, one at a time. I can still feel droplets of salty tears on my eyelashes, 'Cry baby!' I chide myself. It hits me how cold it actually is in my piece of shit apartment, so I return to the bedroom, silently, and look for the sweatpants I remember wearing then throwing somewhere…

"What are you doing up?" Startled, I jumped and spun around at the same time lightning flashes, illuminating his body sitting up. My eyes close before I turn back to my search.

"Want me to die of heart attack? And I'm looking for pants; you recall where you threw them?" He says nothing. Damn him and his reading my emotions by the way my voice sounds.

"Come here." His voice has taken on an even softer tone, warm bed or warm pants? I'll take the bed with my incredibly hot partner. My butt lands on the edge of the bed, and then I push myself further back until his arm is around my waist and I can lean against this strong frame.

"I don't like it when you beat yourself up." He whispers in my ear. Bastard.

"Who says I'm beating myself up?" He doesn't answer. Ha, nice come back. Two fingers appear and gently brush a few strands of hair away from my eyes. Damn him.

"Okay, I am beating myself up. I would've blamed myself if she died. I was very close to shooting the smug bastard and I broke down if front of Cragan, but I'm sure he already told you that." Better to get it all out right? I hope so.

"Yea he did," that's great, "But she's fine now, because of you. That's no reason keep torturing yourself. And we're both glad that I wasn't there because I would have shot him." I love him so much, I wonder if he realizes it?

"We're gonna have a problem if I die or get transferred because you'll end up killing a suspect." He pulls me around to see my smiling face.

"Who said you're dying or getting transferred?"

"Nobody, I'm just pointing out that you're nothing without me." He grins and leans forward to kiss me.

"You'd be nothing without me too." He says against my lips, very true. I wonder when I became so dependent on him. Oh well, that's for another day. Soon we're lying back down and he's holding me. Yawning, I snuggle deeper and into his chest and whisper before I fall asleep.

"El never let me go."

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