Title: Folie a Deux

Author: Dr. Dredd

Spoilers: Duet

Season: 2

Genre: Humor, H/C

Rated: K+ or PG-13 for slight language and sexual innuendo

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine. Words in bold are lines from the script, which also doesn't belong to me.

Reviews: Always appreciated...

Summary: What went through McKay's and Cadman's minds during Duet?

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Rodney

We were walking in a field of flowers that were seriously wreaking havoc with my allergies. I listened with half an ear as Rambette and Carson prattled about God knows what. We were looking for any survivors on this blighted world, and weren't finding any.

"So, maybe you should pick some wildflowers from around here. I think she'd get a kick out of that." It took me a minute to realize that Lieutenant... Cadman, was it?... was talking to me. Uh-oh. Did she mean what I think she meant?

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. Best to stay on the offensive.

"You've got a date tomorrow tonight with Katie Brown, right? She's a botanist. She never gets to go offworld, so ..." Oh, crap. How did this annoying woman find out?

"What's this now!" Carson's eyes gleamed and his accent grew a bit broader. I could tell he was about to have way too much fun at my expense.

"It's nothing, nothing." Maybe he would believe it. And maybe Kavanaugh would grow a brain.

"You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?"

"It is simply two adults sharing some friendly..." I stopped. He didn't have to sound so damned surprised! "Yes, with a woman!" I snapped. At least it wasn't with a female sheep!

Dr. Kildare and G.I. Jane started laughing before I could deliver that truly brilliant comeback. "Well, she's excited about it. Not sure why, though." Cadman gave me a smug grin that I really wished I could wipe off her face. Carson would probably kill me, though. He'd been shamelessly flirting with her ever since we came through the gate.

"How would you know?"

Cadman actually leered at me. "Girls' poker night. I know a lot of things, McKay..."

Right! That's it. I did NOT have to just stand here and take this abuse. "I'm sure it's none of your business. This is an inappropriate field conversation!"

"What? I was just suggesting you might wanna pick some flowers ..." The look of innocence on her face was touching, but so not convincing.

"Yes, and maybe you should just do your job, which is to protect us!" The department heads of Science and Medical were too important to lose because a stupid grunt couldn't stop gossiping.

"Shut up," Cadman suddenly interrupted. She was looking around like she had heard something. Well, I didn't give a damn what she thought she heard. I wasn't going to let her get away with being rude like that.

"Shut up? Let me tell you something..." I paused, trying to think of something appropriately nasty to tell her.

"Stop speaking!" Now I heard what had alerted her. It was a humming noise that was becoming louder with each second. I think we realized what it was at the same time.

"Dart," said Cadman grimly. She hit a button on her radio. "We have a Dart incoming." Turning back to us, she practically shrieked, "MOVE IT!"

I'm a genius. I didn't have to be told twice. But any hope I had that the Dart would overlook us was dashed when it changed course to arrow straight at us. This was very bad. Cadman thought so, too. "Scatter!" she yelled. She shoved Carson to one side and he promptly fell over, the klutz. Unfortunately, the dart swept us up before I could call him on it.

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Laura

I hadn't been happy when Colonel Sheppard gave me the assignment for the day. Babysit two annoying scientists while looking for nonexistent survivors of a Wraith culling? Yeah, that sounded like fun. And when I saw that one of the scientists was none other than Dr. Rodney McKay, asshole extraordinaire, I remember thinking that the day couldn't get much worse.

But I perked up when I found out that Dr. Beckett was the other labcoat. I'm a sucker for guys with accents, and a Scottish brogue is right up there with the best of them. It also didn't hurt that he's easy on the eyes. Maybe if I killed McKay and hid the body, I could actually enjoy myself.

Although if I did that, I would be disappointing my friend Katie Brown. For reasons that I couldn't fathom, she actually wanted to go out with him. He has no social skills and would probably faint (excuse me, 'pass out') if a woman actually showed any real interest in him, yet Katie wanted to go on a date with Rodney McKay.

Well, there really wasn't any accounting for taste.

So I rode herd on the two civilians while we explored the dead world. Colonel Sheppard would be upset if I let anything happen to their sorry asses. (Well, Beckett's wasn't sorry. Actually, it was rather cute... but sadly, I couldn't let myself be distracted.)

After awhile, even Sheppard realized this was an exercise in futility. "Alright, I'm about ready to call this one," he said over the radio. "Doesn't look like there are any survivors."

"The cullings are getting more and more intense!" Teyla sounded distraught, no doubt thinking of her own people that were lost to the Wraith. I haven't had my own command yet, but I imagine I'd feel the same way.

"Well, you said it yourself: too many Wraith woke up at the same time. Too many mouths to feed... or ... hands to feed." Wiseass.

Major Lorne spoke up for the first time. "Well, we're headin' back to the Gate - meet you there?"

"Sounds like a plan. McKay, Beckett, you having any luck?"

"Negative, Colonel. We haven't found anyone." Wow. The doc could recite a grocery list with that accent and make it sound sexy!

As we wandered back to rendezvous with the others, I thought of a way to yank McKay's chain. Might as well have some fun as long as we're here. I made myself speak nonchalantly. "So, maybe you should pick some wildflowers from around here. I think she'd get a kick out of that." Good grief! For a minute, McKay looked like he didn't even know what I was talking about! "You've got a date tomorrow tonight with Katie Brown, right? She's a botanist. She never gets to go offworld, so ..." It was true that Katie loved flowers, but that definitely wasn't my top priority!

Dr. Beckett's curiosity was definitely piqued. "What's this, now?" He looked like he was going to enjoy getting in a few jabs (no pun intended), especially since McKay has been rumored to give him so much grief when he's in the infirmary.

McKay sputtered a bit, then recovered. "It's nothing, nothing."

Beckett gave me a quick wink and asked innocently, "You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?"

"It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... Yes with a woman!" I couldn't help myself at that point; I started giggling. The doc laughed too, which seemed to piss McKay off even more.

I couldn't let Dr. Beckett one-up me in the insults department, so I cheerfully added. "Well, she's excited about it. Not sure why, though." I've never seen anyone's face turn quite that shade of red before. Rodney McKay never did anything halfway, that was for sure!

"How would you know?"

I leered at him. "Girls' poker night. I know a lot of things, McKay..." I refrained from waggling my eyebrows at him. That would have been a little too Groucho Marx-like.

The explosion finally came. "I'm sure it's none of your business. This is an inappropriate field conversation!"

Hah! Game, set, and match to me. "What? I was just suggesting you might wanna pick some flowers…" I began to hear a tiny buzzing noise, just above the audible threshold.

"Yes, and maybe you should just do your job, which is to protect us!" The buzzing sound was getting louder, and suddenly I thought I knew what it was.

Oh, crap. "Shut up." I said calmly.

McKay got even more irate at that. "Shut up? Let me tell you something ..."

"Stop speaking!" I said urgently. Miraculously, he did so, and then all three of us could hear the sound. It confirmed what I had feared.

"Dart. We have a dart incoming," I said as I activated my radio. I looked at McKay and Beckett, who were just standing there. "MOVE IT!" Thank God they listened and started back towards the Gate. I followed just behind.

I heard Colonel Sheppard's frantic voice over my radio. "Seeing us will blow Atlantis' cover. Anyone get a clear shot, you take it, understand?" He didn't have to remind me. If our cover was blown now, the deaths of our people during the siege would have been in vain. I didn't know any of them, but I sure as hell appreciated their sacrifice.

The buzzing overhead continued to increase in volume, and I looked up, knowing what I would find. The damned thing was closing in on us as we ran for the Gate. We were sitting ducks, and it knew it. We needed to split up, present it with more than one target. "Scatter!"

I pushed Dr. Beckett to one side, intending that he run in a perpendicular direction from us. Instead, he fell over. I was about to say something, then I saw that the dart had chosen McKay and I as its targets. "McKay!" I yelled. It was too late, though. The transport beam took us. My last thought before dematerializing was that McKay and Beckett definitely needed more field training. I'd volunteer to help with Beckett's, but pity the poor soul who got stuck with McKay.

TBC