I Can't Make You Love Me
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
"Turn off the lights," I whispered from where I was sitting on the edge of the bed. He gazed at me uncertainly for a moment, then reached over and flicked the switch down, flooding the room in darkness except for the dim light of the lamp on the nightstand.
Turn down these voices inside my head
At first all the pounding and buzzing in my ears left over from a long, hard day nearly deafened me, but for each moment that I sat on that bed in that dimly lit room the noise reduced. When it had gotten down to only a mild buzzing, I slowly eased myself into the laying position on the bed.
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
I moved over to the other side of the bed and placed a hand in the spot where I had been laying before. I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling and said, "Lay with me."
I turned my head to look atRoger where he remained standing in the doorway, motionless.
"Mark," he began, but I cut him off.
"Please, just lay with me. That's all I ask."
He slowly moved toward the bed and lay stiffly down where I had been laying only moments before. We both lay in silence for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling. Then our head both turned to look at each other at the same moment. The dim light of the lamp barely illuminated his emotionless face.
"Roger, I need you to tell me something, and please don't lie to me. Please don't try to ease my pain for me. Just tell me the truth, no matter how much it will hurt me."
I paused for a moment, and he waited for me to continue.
"Roger, do you feel anything for me? Anything at all?"
I knew what the answer was before he even opened his mouth. I had seen it in his eyes all along, but to have him actually say it out loud was unlike anything I had ever imagined.
Just hold me close, don't patronize me
He stared back into my eyes, and I knew what he was waiting for. He was waiting for me to cry. He was waiting for me to break down because he had confirmed what I had known all along. I was not going to cry.
I moved closer to him and wrapped an arm around him, resting my head on his shoulder.
"Hold me," I whispered in his ear.
"Mark, I'm so sorry."
"Don't," I cut in. "Don't pity me. Don't you dare pity me. Just hold me, please."
He turned on his side and wrapped his arms around me, holding me close.
I can't make you love me if you don't
So that was it. He just didn't feel a thing for me. Not one little thing. And there was nothing I could do about it.
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
I couldn't help but wonder ifRoger would choose to be in love with me if there was just some way to make yourself care about someone. But it was pointless to think about things like that.
Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
Why did I have to be so in love with him? Just being this close to him was making my heart go absolutely crazy. I felt so many incredibly things for him, and it was almost impossible to describe.
But you won't
And he didn't feel a single thing.
I'll close my eyes
Though Roger's intense gaze was still boring into mine, I let my eyes fall shut.
Then I won't see the love you don't feel when you're holding me
I could see it in his eyes that he didn't care about me. The way he held me was also unloving, it didn't have the caring touch that I had when I was holding him, but the worst part was definitely his eyes. I just couldn't stand looking into them and having to see that he would never love me. He never would.
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
As I heard Roger's breathing begin to even out, I relaxed myself in his arms. I just needed one night with his arms around me. Just one night to be curled up against his body, breathing in his sweet scent. That was all I needed. I didn't pretend that he loved me, and I never would. I just wouldn't mourn that he didn't love me, at least for that one night.
I knew that the night would end and the sun would rise, but until then I would lay in his embrace. I knew what I needed to do in the morning, but I didn't think about it. I drifted off into a peaceful sleep, savoring the feel of his arms around me, holding me in a loving caress, just for that one night. I would do what I needed to in the morning.
Just give me 'till then to give up this fight
When I awoke the next morning in Roger's sleeping embrace, I felt much as you would if you were leaving the hospital after seeing someone very close to you who is about to do. Using just about all of my will, I slid quietly out of the security of his arms. I had wanted to stay there so badly that when I finally got out of bed I almost just lay right back down next to him. He was just so beautiful, so perfect. But, he didn't love me, and that was what I had to face.
My heart ached tremendously as I turned away from him and walked slowly out of the room,my feet feeling abnormally heavy. I could feel my heart breaking with every step. I continued out of our apartment, and out of the building, and I felt myself chilled to the bone by the frosty morning air.
I had to leave. It was what was right.
And I will give up this fight
When I look back on it, I sometimes wish I had turned around and taken just one last look back at him, the man I had loved like no other. But I didn't look back, not once. Perhaps I would have if I had known that I would never see him again.
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