by: homeostatis

Warning: Contains crack sentences, OOCness, and poking fun at some—most— of the characters and personally, I have something against Katsushiro. I don't know why.

A/N: Kyutaro because it's a silly name for our dear samurai and this is a silly fic. :3 Woo, a new fic despite having "retired" a few years ago… Just goes to show that once a crack fic writer, always a crack fic writer.

No, I do not own this. Someone else does…


Kyuzo was a character: hard to guess and often guarded. Even those he had known for long (and there weren't many of them that were still alive) could barely speak five words about his personality, let alone be able to guess what was going on in that fuzzy head of his.

Most guesses might have began as either, "I don't know…", "I don't care…" or "Uh…" all three of which would be more accurate should it be needed to describe the people this blonde haired enigma associated with…

… but we weren't talking about that now were we?

Now, it would not come as a surprise to note that he had originally planned to kill Old Man Kanbei. Even more so as everyone, even the inexperienced ones, realized this halfway through their little war with the Nobuseri (everyone's mind simultaneously chorused "oh crap"). A killing aura could be masked but the bloodlust in his eyes couldn't … but we don't think he was trying very hard.

The real secret, however, lay in his thoughts, the hidden words he never uttered; the lexis unused.

Many wonder about the story this man played a role in, the truth behind the covered eyes and the deadly twin blades butunfortunately for those people we're not going to talk about that. Instead, we're here today to discover what it was he was thinking at certain points during his bodyguard stint for Ayamaro. Shall we begin?

For our first example, let us observe his inner thoughts as he stalked Kirara and Katsushiro through Kougakyo…

Enter: Kyuzo-vision… everything's slightly red-tinged and marked from "beating-kitten's-with-a-stick weak" to "slightly stronger than weak, weak"

I thought it would be slightly more difficult to find one of these Samurai's, they should have been in hiding due to the amount of ruckus they had stirred last time.

But no.

Here was a large, yellow and blue penguin walking around with an indecently dressed peasant girl who was simply, NOT HIP. They had been naïve enough to think that despite the fact that the man after them owned the entire city, spies at every government and Samurai-attracting area would not be utilized. Whoever was supposed to be guiding these two children was obviously either inept or horribly busy.

Said yellow and blue penguin had odd colored hair that had been used to identify him. Olive green hair, high ponytail and dressed like his mother had nothing better to do: I was pretty sure this was him. So after a moment of considering whether this boy was indeed a threat to my employers, I decided to just finish the job and locate the other three Samurais. Perhaps one of them would fight back and prove to be a little more entertaining than this little boy and his smutty girlfriend.

I had been on their trail for almost an hour already and they had done nothing but try to persuade honorable Samurai to join their life-for-rice cause. Sob story after sob story they told and they were still pushed away. Other than attempting to dishonor the most conceited social class in Kougakyo they had begun a little mating ritual teenagers these days liked to call "flirting." I was in no means built to handle all the touching and annoying hints they threw at each other.

Thus my mind reeled and I attempted to puke without having to actually spew anything out. Failing at that, I at least managed to scare away a few citizens when my face corkscrewed into a semi-maniacal-grin-turned-grimace. I accidentally made a gagging noise that the penguin heard; he made a motion that told me he probably felt someone there. Inexperienced as he was he regarded it as nothing and they continued.

They would have eventually brought me to their hideaway had their leader not greeted them at the stairs by the Koutetsu Inc. construction site. He called me out having noticed the incompetence of his young charge. I naturally took the challenge and we were soon beating the crap out of each other.

And then he professed his undying love for me.

Well, for a spilt second that's what I thought he meant. Apparently I fell for it and he managed to tear us apart (er… not like that. I meant we were able to pull apart… 'cause we were at a stalemate. His sword vs. my neck, my sword vs. his neck. Get your mind out of the gutter!). He flew through the air and landed roughly while I executed some of my MAD flippin' skillz.

I grinned slightly at that foolishness. What else was I supposed to do? That man was CREEPY.

As I'm not quite up to narrating the entire battle (I wasn't thinking much about it anyway, still slightly shaken from that horrible, horrible experience) I'll just finish with a: I beat the crap outta them, scared them (hey, I've been practicing my "I promise I won't kill you" look but it hasn't quite worked out yet), received the inevitable invitation to join their happy little group, then left without quite finishing my job. Meh. It's not like I'll get a scolding for not finishing it.

What are they, my parents? Been there, killed that.

Exit: Kyuzo-vision

So there we are, straight from the blond horses' mouth. It's inconceivable and maybe a little irrelevant to the whole structure of the original story but none of us here really care about that right? Right.

It's quite true that Kyuzo holds no qualms about killing, no big secret that he probably wanted to shove his sword down Katsushiro-noji's throat, understood that double crossing his partner and bushido was the only way for the six Samurai to become seven; unfortunately (for him) we're here to discover what he never wanted us to know.

-insert evil laughter here-


read, review, and don't forget to come back. :P