Title: Pillow Thoughts
Genre/rating: Humor/T – barely
Disclaimer: Not mine, me no ownie. Nor have I read the manga ;.; Not YET anyway.
Song: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. Song #8 of 10.
Oh God no, here he comes again.
I swear, he's the horniest bastard I've ever seen in my stationary life. If I were the type, I'd be blushing like there was no tomorrow. Kinda like his partner is half the time. Luckily, I'm of good, solid stock. We oaks aren't prudes like those cherry ones.
You see, I'm fairly new to my job. Actually, this is only my second home. Before I came here, I serviced a nice young lady. Or not so nice. Well, let's just say her secrets stay with me. Good thing I don't have a mouth or the young lady might just go to a hotel for her activities. Mommy and Daddy certainly wouldn't have approved. Although, I really didn't mind most of it… the sleeping (of course), the studying, and the long bouts of phone calls (kicking feet throughout). I was a perfect employee for the routine! It was when she had some friends over that I got nervous (and for good reason).
Then she went to college and her parents sold me.
Sold me to these two!
Well, I can't say that they're bad. For humans, they seem decent enough. Actually, the shorter one never forgets to pull my sheets back in place and he polishes my wood with nice, warm oil and a rag. If I were one of those silly cat animals, I would practically purr at the attention.
The other guy… well, he's the instigator.
You see, this had turned into quite the little habit! And as we all know, humans are slaves to their habits. It was good that their lives didn't stretch on forever and ever. Even a few hundred years would be out of the question, not like a good Redwood. Those giants lived to the end of eternity!
Back to the humans' habit.
As I understand it, the bigger human, the one with the black hair, has to leave until unfriendly hours of the morning. It doesn't bother me that he decides to tramp in at three in the morning. I'm sure that the dresser does get annoyed; he bumps the dresser quite a bit when he's stumbling around in the dark. It must annoy him too because words usually describe their meeting.
Sometimes when he returns, he's 'drunk.'
I learned the meaning of this weird human custom from my former mistress. She partook in it semi-regularly. Usually it meant that instead of thrashing around, she slept like a stone. It is much better when the humans don't wiggle around; I'm sorta ticklish.
Yup, it was one of those mornings.
I still haven't learned the obscure meaning of those words. Of course, I'm not nearly so fluent in human language as I could be.
There was a brief scuffle and some sharp slapping noises. Then the whining. Oh how I hate that. I mean, true, it could be a lot worse. Wow, when I think about it, it could be a lot worse. I'm not sure how exactly, but when I was a little sapling, that's what I was told.
Oh! I know how it could be worse!
When they fight, they fight. There's a lot more than a little slap going on. Maybe because they're male…? Anyway, I'm not sure.
And they fight over the silliest things. Like ordering take-out food or who used the last of the toilet paper. I don't envy that job either.
Those words are made up with kisses. Harmless, right?
"Ranmaru, are you mad at me?"
Apparently he wasn't as drunk as he seemed to be.
The poor pillows have gotten used to being used as deadly feather weapons. On occasion they complain to me, but it's not like I can do anything about those two humans.
That was a distinctive 'yes, you cheating bastard.' See? I learn fast.
"What's that supposed to mean!" He bounced on me for good measures and jostled the other man.
"What does it sound like?" Came the surly reply.
There was a long pause, "It sounds like you're grumpy."
That would be, 'you're on the right track, dumbshit, but think a little more.'
"And.., um…" The black haired man seemed to be trying to collect his scattered thoughts. I winked at the digital clock and it winked back. This seemed to give him the vital clue, "It's three in the morning!"
"Good, you got it, and pick up your clothing. I don't want to trip over a tie when I get ready for class in the morning."
"Someone's touchy." The other man replied, flopping down on his stomach. He rolled up in a blanket and there was silence…
…for all of five second.
There was a pseudo-innocent pause, "Yes?"
"Why did you do that!"
"Oh, because I figured you were such a tight-ass that it needed a little loosening." I could feel him shaking with laughter and he drooled a little on the sheet. EWW.
"So you pinched me?"
His silent laughs turned into chuckles. I guess somewhere along the way he cracked. It wasn't that funny after all. Maybe it was part of being drunk? Again, humans are funny creatures. They're never consistent!
"I could do something else much more effective!" He declared lustily and pounced, not put off in the slightest by his earlier rebuff. "Ouch."
"Not tonight—" Morning, I corrected. "—I have a big presentation tomorrow. You can go a night without sex. Just sleep your horniness off like you do your hangovers."
"No, no buts. You're bothering me, and I am trying to sleep." If I could have, I would have nodded. Of course he was sleeping. That was what I was for: sleep. And… other activities, but I liked when they slept much better.
At least there were no… 'toys.' Did I mention my former owner was rather creative and curious? The feel of those chains against my wood was enough to make a weeping willow really weep. It was like being violated. We won't go into the other 'fun' stuff she had stashed in her room and under me. Really, you don't want to know.
"Aww, Ranmaru, you're no fun tonight." Morning.
"If you don't stop it, I'm going to make you go to your room." The shorter one hissed, decking the black haired one with a pillow, hard. He then growled and shoved the pillow over his head in disgust.
"Is that a command, Mommy?"
Another growl, "If you need a fix that badly there's always your magazines and the bathroom."
"Okay, okay!" The black haired man grumbled deciding that the other one really meant it.
Not that I didn't mind a little exercise. Oh no, that didn't bother me at all. But every night? And for hours!
Remember when I said fighting was worse?
When they got in a really big row, I was the one to feel the backlash. Oh, and rot my mind with all the teary, choked up sorrys and that mushy I love yous. If that wasn't bad enough, then there was always the make-up sex.
Ha! Whoever thought up that term was an idiot. I'd go for 'hot monkey love' or 'sweaty, groping naked wrestling.'
The first time, I thought my box springs would never be the same again! I was going to die! It put new meaning to the word 'vibrate.' Seriously, be a little more considerate of your furniture. We try to serve our maker and master, but sometimes it's so hard.
At least he washes the sheets the next day.
A/N: Wow, that was ridiculous, but NOT angst! Inspired by a classmate's "The Day a Man Whacked Me Off". No, they did it from the POV of a pumpkin, not a bed.