Happiness Is Just a Daddy Away!
"Eew! Yuck! Nasty! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" Ron said, banging his head into the wall.
"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Hermione said, clutching her stomach.
Harry crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you guys going to let me tell you the rest, or what?"
"No more! No more!" Ron wailed.
Hermione stepped forward woozily. "I... um... what? What did you say?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I... I..." Hermione began, trying not to gag, "Oh, I don't know! Just repeat what you just said."
Harry sighed. "All I said was that I had tried to travel back in time to kill Voldemort -Hermione, don't look at me like that! I know it was a stupid plan- and I didn't travel back far enough. Then, I met this girl named Eileen and we went out for a while and everything was going great till she ran off with this guy named Tobias -what sort of name is that, anyways?- and I was sad. Then, I come back here, and told you guys and just showed you a picture of Eileen, and you both freaked out!"
"Harry, how dumb are you?" Hermione growled. "Do you know who Eileen is?"
Harry looked at the picture. "Well, I know that technically she's, like, sixty or something nowadays, but that doesn't matter, right? She was young when I met her, forty years ago, and that's what matters. Am I right or am I, er, right"
Hermione stared at Harry in shock. "First of all, that's just nasty! She could be your grandmother, for pity's sake! Second, that picture is of Elieen Prince. Does that ring a bell?"
Harry looked over the picture. "Hmm... Nope. Never heard of her."
Ron threw up for the third time in the last fifteen minutes. "Harry, you moron! Sheesh! And I thought I was supposed to be the dumb one!"
"You are," Hermione said. "It just happens that, in this case, Harry is the bigger idiot."
"What? Why? What are you guys talking about?" Harry yelled.
"Holy crap, Harry!" Ron yelled. "Bloody hell, you're an idiot! Dude, Eileen Prince is Snape's mom! Duh!"
Harry pondered this fresh piece of information. He tilted his head to the side and squinted his eyes. "So, does this mean that I slept with Snape's mom."
"Yes. It... Ewwww! Nasty! You what?" Hermione scream.
Ron threw up again.
Harry rubbed his head. "Hey, do you think the fact that she told me before she ran off with that other guy that she was pregnant with my child means anything?"
Hermione and Ron gaped at Harry. In the matter of a few seconds, Hermione fainted and Ron threw up again, choking out, "You... bloody... idiot!"
Snape opened up his door in Spinner's End, having just retrieved his mail. "Bills... bills... ohh! A coupon book!... Bills... bills... Hmm, what's this?"
Snape opened up a letter addressed to him from his mother. "Haven't heard from her for a while."
Snape sat down in his chair and began to read.
Is this the way you treat your mamma? Sticking me in a home and never calling! Why, I oughta...
Wait, this letter isn't about that. No, this is about your father. See, that stupid Muggle, Tobias, isn't your real father. Surprise! Anyways, even though you look like him (you're both butt ugly), you're not in any way, shape, or form related.
So, I suppose you're probably wondering who your real father is, right? (So predictable!) Well, your real father is this kid named Harry Potter that traveled back in time, dated me for a month, and so on and so forth. He went back to the future now (magically, of course), so you might know him. If you do, tell him I said hi.
Snape stared blankly at the letter. Then, he preceded to what any of us would do in this situation: he began screaming, "Why me!", set his house on fire, and bought a gun.
"Hey, Elly! Long time no see. Heh heh heh," Harry said, uncomfortably.
"You jerk! You owe me forty years worth of child support!" Elieen Prince-Snape yelled.
"Er, I don't think they make you pay child support after the age of eighteen," Hermione said. She was about to go on, but Eileen shot her a look. Instead, she gulped and kept quiet.
"So, um, Elly, um, bye!" Harry turned around and began to run.
"Oh, no you don't!" With that, Eileen grabbed Harry's arm. "Now, you listen to me, Pumpkincakes Lovekingbum Shnooglypoo," -Harry grimaced at the usage of Eileen's old pet name for him- "You're going to see your son and be nice about it! You hear me?"
"Yes, Elly," Harry sniveled.
"Good. Now someone bring me my dentures!"
Harry and Snape glared at each other from across the room, occasionally saying, "Grrrr!"
"Well, er, I guess you two have a lot of catching up to do, so, um, bye!" Hermione and Ron scampered out the door.
"So," Harry began, eyes boring into Snape's forehead, "Kill anyone lately, Son?"
"No one you wouldn't know about, Dad," Snape shot back.
For a few minutes, they just stared at each other in silence. Harry was breathing so hard that his glasses were beginning to fog up. Snape was clenching his fists, occasionally eyeing the place where he'd hidden his gun.
"Er, is this a bad time?"
Harry and Snape looked up to see Draco Malfoy and Wormtail, both of which were staying at Spinner's End for no apparent reason.
Harry and Snape just glared.
"I'm bored," Wormtail complained. He thought a moment. "Hey, let's play Scrabble!"
And that's exactly what they did. Occasionally, somebody did spell a word such as "GREASYGITWHOMUSTDIE" or "STUPIDSCARHEADEDDORK," which usually got a response such as, "Hey, that's not in the dictionary!" Each game ended in a fist fight.
"Can't we all just get along!" Malfoy said, crossing his legs and smoothing out his pink shirt.
"NO!" Harry, Snape, and Wormtail shouted. Harry and Snape because they were both ticked and refused to get along with each other. Wormtail because he had nothing better to do.
"All right, all right!" Malfoy said. "Just one more game, okay?"
Hermione and Ron could barely believe their eyes when they came back to Spinner's End after several hours of, um, "hanging out" in Hermione's Dad's car.
The scene was just shocking. There was Harry, Snape, Wormtail, and Malfoy sitting around a table playing Yahtzee, a Scrabble board, several puzzle pieces, and a Twister mat close buy.
"Yahtzee!" Snape said, rolling five ones. He giggled. "This is fun, Daddy!"
Harry, who was currently smoking a pipe for some reason, laughed, "Har har! Good job, Sonny Boy!"
Malfoy, painting his nails a soft pink, said, "What? Another Yahtzee? He's cheating!"
Wormtail, who was eating his ninth block of cheese, nodded his head vigorously.
Snape sniffed. "I am not!"
Harry put his hand on Snape's shoulder. "There, there, Son." He would never let on that he'd been letting Snape win for the past several games. He'd always thought that Snape could use a little self confidence booster.
Hermione and Ron shook their heads, still peeking though the window.
"Well, this is a happy ending, at least. I guess..." Hermione said. "Um, I guess it's nice that they're, uh, getting along."
Ron looked absolutely over joyed. "Ah ha! I knew it! I knew Malfoy was gay! I just knew it!"
"Ron," Hermione said.
"You're such a dork."
"Amen, Sister," Ron said, putting his arm around Hermione. "Amen!"
THE END! (Thank god)