Merry Christmas Betas!
Author: (whispers with embarrassment) pentangle
WARNING! Rating: T Language! Mention of Slash! And Drinking!
This is just silliness and not at all my usual thing. I think it's the full moon or something.
/thoughts/ author's notes
Important note: every plot situation or error in the true (yet totally made up) scenario below is from my own fiction, no one else's! Well, except for the not-really-slash part.
Dedicated to hardworking, long-suffering betas everywhere!
We send off our stories to people we have often never met. We wait anxiously, even impatiently, for our stories to return. But do we ever wonder what it's like to be a beta? To hunch for endless hours over a keyboard while peering intently at a monitor—at someone else's work? Let us take a peak into the mind of a beta as she betas…
(only a few beta changes will be noted—you don't want to be here all week!)
The beautiful, intelligent, kind beta, the one with eyes like sparkling diamonds if diamonds could only be so lovely, returned home after a long, hard day doing whatever-the-hell unimportant stuff she does when she's not beta-ing. /Man, I am sooooooooo tired. I want my bed. My nice, comfy, waaaaarrrrmm bed. But I suppose I'd better check my e-mail in case there's something important. (types, clicks) Oh, great! Whatsername is having a spaz attack/
"BETA! BETA! I need chapter 387 RIGHT NOW! The only reader I have left is asking for the next chapter! HURRY!"
/Geeeeeez Loueeeeeeze. All right, but only because I'm beautiful, kind, have eyes like diamonds, etc, etc. Ok, let's take a look at this turkey – er – wonderful story. (pulls up document on computer) 257,274 words! Ai-yai-yai/
Chapter 387 I ran out of good ideas for chapter titles so come up with something, ok, beta? Something really really good so people will really want to read it!
Aragron /great, just great, the very first word is wrong/ and Legolas ran as fast as they could but the orcs ran even faster and so they were soon pushed over the edge of a cliff. /Cliff! Goody! 'Cause I've never seen a cliff before in LotR fanfic/ They yelled as they tumbled and bounced all the way down to the bottom that was really really far down and after they hit it they were all sore and stuff and they moaned and started bickering at each other because each one blamed the other for falling over the cliff but pretty soon they were sorry because they were really really good friends even if they called each other names sometimes / She was frightened by punctuation as a child/.
They thought everything would be better now that they were down the cliff but pretty soon they ran into Dunlendings or Easterlings, I can't remember what I used in chapter 2. Look it up for me, ok, and fix it? The evil men caught them and tied them together. Very tightly together. Really really close together and soon Aragorn and Legolas began to feel xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (crossed out by censor-beta) /What about 'smut and slash free site' does she not understand/ (changed by beta to: feel only nice, warm, platonic and completely chaste friendshipy feelings for each other while planning a daring escape).
After they escaped they ran and ran some more to get away from the men but Legolas was running way faster cause he's an elf and they can do that /Ok, that's it! I need a drink./ (Beta gets up and gets stiff drink, then returns). Aragron /Gorn! It's Gorn/ got mad and yelled at Legolas to slow down. Legolas didn't and Aragron /sigh/ yelled at him a lot. "You xxxxxxx (censored by beta), you come back here so I'm not the only one that's going to get shot by really nasty, poisoned orc arrows!" /Orcs. When did we change to Orcs/ Legolas really didn't want anything bad to happen to Aragorn so he slowed down. Aragorn and Legolas were both shot in the shoulder with poisoned arrows. Aragorn had three and Legolas had four. /Arrows or shoulders? Where'd I put that drink/
Fortunately, Elladan and Elrohir were riding by /Just casually, you see, weeks from Mirkwood. Hey, this stuff tastes pretty good after awhile/ and they pulled out the arrows even though it was really really hard and the two friends yelled a lot. / I'd yell, too/ Then they put medicine on the arrow holes and they complained about how they were going to get home but they did not know what to do so they just went to sleep and they guarded the sleepers. /Proper nouns are your friends/ The next day Aragron was really really sick /Thank goodness it's not Aragorn. I don't like Aragron. He's a jerk. Wha'dayaknow, glass is empty./
Since Aragron was sick no one knew what to do /Because they only had one healer and two healer's sons with them/ so they started for Irmladis /Im-lad-ris! Im-lad-ris! Please copy 100 times/ so that Elrond could heal everybody. But the Easterlings or Dunlendings, fix it here, too, ok? were still after them so they decided to set traps in the woods for them. Legolas put his bow in a tree with a drawn arrow in it and then went to the other side of the open space to /commit suicide/ hide until the wicked men caught up with them / I'll be right back; why did I leave the bottle in the kitchen/.
Everyone was hiding when the whoevers fix it, beta came through the woods and they jumped out at them and started to fight. The elves fought really really hard and Aragorn's sword flashed as it cut the whoevers fix it into pieces but Legolas' arrow hit Elladan instead of a whoever fix it. The arrow was in Elladan's thigh and when Legolas pulled out the arrow Elladan looked at him with xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx expression in his eyes. / Ya know, I'm sorely tempted to leave that in because who am I to squelch a libido so intense it can maintain lascivious eye contact while an arrow is forcibly removed/ After everyone was all bandaged up they started for home, sadder but wiser. /They're not the only ones! Where's that phone/
"Hello?...Betas Anonymous? Yes, I'll hold…" /While I'm waiting, I might as well think up a chapter title for her as a parting gift…How about "Really Really Offal"/
Really Really the End.