Author's Note: This is the last chapter to rule them all…I'll miss this story!! TT



No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story- although rest assured, they will be afterward :)

Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!


Chapter Sixteen: Canonical Catfight Pt. 2 – The Fist of Disclosure

"You knew I'd win all the time."

Miriam could only shake her head listlessly, her eyes dull and focused on the growing pool of blood before her. The smug, satisfied tone of the 'Sue was far away, and the teenaged girl simply allowed the words to flow over her; trying vainly to hold back tears.

"Why did you bother to tell yourself otherwise? I'm perfect, flawless, and can kick your sorry, scrawny ass any time I feel like it. I'll always triumph in the end. It's just the way the world works."

The teenage girl hesitantly looked up at Legolas. He towered over her (though there was nothing new in that), and was giving her the most terrifyingly angry expression she'd ever seen.

"Legolas…" She croaked, wincing at the harsh, guttural sound. Her throat was coated in dust, as was the rest of her. Her clothes were ripped in several places, but at that moment she didn't care.

"You are an enemy of Phoenix. I do not know you, and nothing would please me more than to see you dead." He said in a monotone.

Phoenix beamed. "Good, good. Now, Legolas, would you mind disposing of her for me? I'm afraid I broke a nail." She gazed sadly at her hands, obviously more concerned about her manicure then finishing Miriam off.

"My pleasure." He replied, notching an arrow onto his bow and pointing it at a frightened and crying Miriam.

"Legolas, please, don't! I know I'm a worthless tagalong, but you're my friend! I don't want to die, I-"

"Shut up, bitch." Phoenix snarled, giving Miriam a good kick in the ribs. She curled up into a ball, whimpering in pain and giving one last pleading look to her former friend. His expression was blank and his mind was obviously made up, as he pointed the arrow straight at her forehead.

"So passes Miriam, a silly girl who couldn't save herself or her friends." Phoenix said mockingly, giving Legolas an approving look. He tensed, and let go of the string.

"Now Gimli!"

Miriam barely had time to register the arrow embedding itself in the ground near her hand, having missed her face by no less than an inch. Because at that very moment, there was a mighty shout-

"Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!"

-and Phoenix had a large throwing axe buried deep in her back. She cried out in pain, stumbling back and tripping on a nearby rock, landing on her side. The dwarf was on her in moments, pinning her down and holding his battle axe against her throat and pinning her down. Miriam could only stare in bemusement and horror, wondering distantly if she had missed something.

"She's…you…" The blood and the axe buried in Phoenix's back became too much, and she nearly threw up at the smell and the sight of it. She felt a comforting hand on her back, and looked up to find a smiling green-eyed Legolas looking down on her.

"I am very sorry for the pain and sorrow I put you through. I had no choice, for I feared you might not have been as convincing otherwise."

Miriam recoiled at his touch and stared at him fearfully, wondering if this was part of some ploy of Phoenix's to make her suffer even more before he killed her. Legolas blinked, looking confused and hurt by her reaction.

"It's the eyes, lad." Gimli said gruffly. "She still thinks you are under the influence of this witch." He pressed his axe against Phoenix's throat, drawing blood. Phoenix cried out in pain again, but he was stone-faced.

Legolas laughed slightly, and Miriam watched as he carefully taking off the green contacts he wore and showed them to her. She slumped against a nearby rock in relief, sighing mightily as the pieces finally fell together.

"So…it was a trap."

He nodded and smiled. "Yes, and it worked."

She inhaled shakily, trying to find her voice. This was almost too much to process at once, but she had an important question she needed to ask. "S-so, where did you get the contacts from anyway?"

"Me, I'm afraid." Miriam looked over to find herself looking at an apologetic Evona, who had emerged from behind a nearby boulder.

Miriam blinked. "You?"

"Me as well." Said Rael, who was now crouching next to Phoenix and examining her, along with Celeste and Alice. "It was a sound plan, really. Gimli is usually the one the 'Sues ignore, and therefore they don't quite manage to develop an immunity to him. Legolas was the only one beside him who could get close enough to trick her, and you're obviously very important to him, so our course of action was obvious."

"But you didn't even have the decency to tell me?" She choked, trying to swallow past a large, uncomfortable lump that had developed in her throat.

"You get over it eventually," Evona assured her, "And both of us know how badly you scored in Drama. You wouldn't have been able to pull it off if you'd known."

"But that doesn't matter right now." Rael interrupted. "What matters is you now have a way to go home."

Miriam gave him a miserable look. "Don't joke about things like that."

"Who's joking?" He said, pointing towards what looked like a strange, bright hovering tear in the grim stone surroundings of Moria. Miriam was speechless; first the first time on this hellish journey, she could go home. But also for the first time, she found herself reluctant. She felt someone give her a gentle push forward.

"Go." Whispered a familiar voice in her ear. She turned around, tears streaming down her face as she looked at the elf responsible for the adventure. His face was blurry, although somehow Miriam got the strangest impression it wasn't just because of the tears that obscured her vision.

"I'll miss you. Y-you were…one of t-the best friends I ever had."

He smiled. "Le hannon."

She had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. "…W-what does that mean?"

"It means 'thank you' in Sindarin, or so I've heard." Evona said gentlely, pulling Miriam away. "Middle-earth is changing back to what it once was. You'll essentially die if you linger, so you and Alice had better get into that portal. In a few minutes, Legolas and the rest of the fellowship won't be able to remember or understand you anyways."

"They'll be alright? The 'Sue won't change anything?" Miriam asked, concerned.

"Yeap, they'll be just fine. They'll just end up back where they were before the story started." Evona replied, grinning. "Now, we should really-"

"W-wait!" She pulled her hand out of Evona's grip, and gave a startled Legolas one last hug.

"Le hannon yourself, and don't let anymore 'Sues keep you from finishing your quest." He gave her an affectionate look, and hugged her back, mumbling something she couldn't understand.

She looked at Evona beseechingly, and was disappointed when the older version of herself shrugged. "He's speaking Westron now. I don't know any of that."

Legolas watched the exchange between the two of them, and seemed to catch on. Carefully making sure to speak slowly and clearly, he said "Ná Elbereth veria le, Miri-um."

"I think he said 'may Elbereth protect you'. Elbereth is one of the Valar, the gods of Middle-earth. Essentially, he's saying-"

"I know what he's saying, and I know who Elbereth is." Miriam replied firmly, reluctantly letting go of Legolas and walking towards the portal. The temptation to look back was almost unbearable, and she finally getting in, smiling when she saw a different looking Legolas glancing around the mine in confusion.

"Goodbye, Middle-earth." She said wistfully. "I hope I see you soon."

"Well, I don't know about Middle-earth," Alice said, making Miriam jump. "But I do know we can stay in touch. Do you have a piece of paper on you?"

And so they quickly exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. Evona fussed the entire time, bodily pushing them towards the portal when they were done.

"Rael and I will take care of things here. You girls probably won't remember a thing, at least for a long time. See you in the future!"

And then everything went white.


Legolas picked up his bow and hoisted his quiver of his shoulder, moving as quickly as he could in the leather armour he was wearing. The scouts had reported sighting a band of orcs on the edge of Mirkwood, and he knew they would probably need help chasing them away from their borders.

Then he suddenly stopped, halfway out the door from his home. It was late at night; the cool summer breeze rustled through the trees and grass, while the moon shone brilliantly above. Everything was quiet and peaceful, but Legolas could not help but feel panicked. He had forgotten something; something very important…

"Legolas, man carel le? Tolo!" (Legolas, what are you doing? Come!) shouted a fellow comrade of his, riding past on his swift-footed steed into the forest.

Shaking his head, Legolas pushed it out of his mind; he had more important things to worry about now. He would contemplate it later.


Miriam stood at the bottom of the stairs, dazed and a bit confused. What had she been doing? Why?

He mother came out of the kitchen, looking exasperated. "Miriam, for the last time, your- oh, you're up. That's good, I was beginning to get worried." Miriam hadn't even had time to open her mouth before she was gone, off to wash the dishes.

Amazed, she walked over and sat down at the table, eating ravenously. She couldn't remember ever being this hungry. Still, an elusive something teased the edge of her mind, leaving her to wonder if she had just had some sort of intense dream.

She felt something sharp poke her from inside one of her pant pockets. Pulling it out, she realized it was an old library slip with an email address and a phone number on it.

How strange…

Later on after breakfast, she dialled the number. It was ridiculous, really; she never remembered writing it down, yet it was obviously her writing. Still, she felt she had to check it out.

"Hello, this is the Lawson residence. How may I help you?"

"Uh…hi. Do I know you?



No ending notes, for once. Except the elvish was stolen and bastardized from this site (just remove the spaces):

http:// www. arwen-undomiel .com/ elvish/ phrases .html

And just ignore the fact that the 'fellow comrade' of his probably wouldn't be speaking Sindarin ;D BTW, I've got a section set up for this story at my website! Here's the link:

http//www. freewebs. com/ stormtracer/ tump. htm

musicmode- The story is certainly not over! I just…got abducted by aliens! Yeah! That's it- complete truth, I swear! ;D

sparrowhawkgirl- Good question. I'd like to know myself…to be honest, Alice was spawned out of the idea that 'well, if this is a universe where RL collides with fiction, what about RL mixed with fanfiction'?

Fireword- Hi sis! Yeah, I know- I wouldn't have been as forgiving :)

aliveinchrist13- To be honest, Pippin and Faramir are only a hair's breath away from usurping Boromir in terms of favourites for me :) Boromir's not evil, just weird. lol, just kidding; he's misunderstood!

The Leaky Pen- Thankies for the birthday wishes, and yeah, there is a lot going on. Question is: how will it pan out?

Inconspicuous Acuity- I try my best :) after all, if everything was extremely serious all the time, nothing really interesting would ever happen ;D I think way too many people look at their writing and say 'i pwn alll uder riters!' and think they rock. Me, I look at and think 'Well, not bad…but not Shakespeare either. Oh well, as long as both me and the readers have fun'. I'm just weird that way :) And about the beta…I try, but no luck so far!

Zelscar- Yeah, I'd do the same. I guess since he's an elven warrior used to holding back his temper, he can control himself lol.

Hippie Jade- Again, glad you like it ;D

MBDTA- Glad you like it :)