Family Guy

Snowball Effects

Opening credits. Cut to the exterior of The Drunken Clam, as it snows. Cut inside as Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are sitting on stools drinking beers.

Peter: This year for Christmas, me and Lois both agreed not to invite both of our parents.

Cleveland: I hope it doesn't blow up in your face like last Christmas.

Flashback. Peter is opening a Christmas gift.

Peter: What a Merry Christmas, no parents, just good ol' family. Who's this present from?

Lois: My father.

Carter and Barbara walk in.

Carter: Hello Peter.

Peter: YOUR WHAT!

Peter's head explodes. Present day.

Peter: But this year's different.

Joe: This Christmas, we're going for a vacation to see Paris, Hilton making a fool of herself at Paris, Texas on our way to Paris.

Quagmire: Tis' the season for giddy!

Quagmire runs up to a black woman.

Quagmire: I like big butts and I cannot lie, OH!

The Black Woman slaps him as he walks up to a woman reading a book.

Quagmire: Smart chicks, turn me on, OH!

The woman slaps him as he shuffles over to another woman.

Quagmire: Hey hot stuff, you can Cleveland steam me anyday, OH!

The woman turns around to reveal it's Dame Edna.

Quagmire: Oh...

Quagmire shuffles back to the table.

Cleveland: I'm spending Christmas time hunting with Cleveland Jnr, last time we went hunting he shoot me in the foot. It got stitched up and it had to be taken out, that's how I got this new metal foot.

Peter: Well 'scuse me gentlemen, it's time to spend some time with the Mrs.

Peter shuffles off and walks off.

Quagmire: I'm putting Lois in my gift list this year, OH!

Cut outside the home as Meg throws a snowball at Chris.

Meg: You can't get me.

Chris: Oh yes I can!

Chris throws a huge snowball at Meg, as he buries herself off and throws several more snowballs. Cut inside as Brian and Stewie are watching TV.

Priest: And God said to Jesus "Smite Moses with all your might, son".

Brian: God, didn't say that.

Stewie: Obviously you know now, Lassie?

Brian: Yes, I go to church every Sunday, God was friends with Moses.

Stewie: Go on girl, get Gramps!

Brian: Shut up.

Stewie: I'll give you a doggie biscuit!

Priest: And God and Satan went into the Friendship ball together.

Stewie: Satan friends with God? That's screwed up in the head, all these lies and slander dragging Satan's bad name in the mud.

Brian: Who does this Priest think he is, let's turn this off, this guy obviously never read the bible.

Stewie: I'm not going to worship God or Satan until this fairytale lies stop.

Brian: Stewie, that's a little extreme.

Stewie: No, frat guys masturbating each other which watching doggie porn is extreme, this is going further!

Stewie walks off. Peter walks in.

Peter: Honey, I'm home...

Brian: Umm, Peter...Lois is in the other room.

Peter walks off and sees Lois on the phone and spies on her.

Lois: Okay daddy, see you this Christmas.

Peter: "See you this Christmas", Lois lied to me!

Peter storms off. Cut to Peter and Brian watching TV.

Peter: Lois lied to me Brian, again!

Brian: Why don't you just tell her you heard?

Peter: Listen Brian, I know what to do. I understand Lois' mind games, because I know how women work thanks to my time in Robot Camp.

Flashback. Cut to a younger Peter talking to a scientist.

Scientist: Women are sex machines made to pleasure us in everywhere, and when double-crossed they'll try to get their way and dig their claws into their man's shoulder.

Peter: Really, Dr. Smart?

Dr. Smart: It's all in these blueprints, the Woman...it comes out this Summer.

Peter: Wow.

Present day. Peter paces while stroking his chin.

Peter: I'm going to invite my parents over to make everything even.

Brian: Oh Peter, Lois will get pretty cheesed off.

Peter: Oh, and I won't!

Peter walks off. In the other room, Peter's on the phone.

Peter: Hiya dad, how are you going, how's the Mrs. going huh? That's great, okay if you want to, you can come to my house for Christmas, you will! Thanks, dad.

Peter hangs up.

Peter: Cha-ching!

Peter walks off and watches: "All in the Family Christmas".

Announcer: We're back with the All in the Family Christmas.

Archie Bunker: Damnit Edith, why is there a black man on the porch?

Edith Bunker: His just a Mormon.

Archie Bunker: I hate Mormons, hey blackie, go off and make out with your Asian homosexual boyfriend and migrate to the south, because we don't want you here, hogging up all the precious space for all the normies!

Edith Bunker: Archie...

Archie Bunker: Edith, put on your bondage, it's time for some sex.

Edith Bunker: Not now Archie, I'm baking a pie.

Archie Bunker: Why don't you bake pie in the bedroom?

Brian: Did you go through with inviting your parents?

Peter: Hell yeah, my work-alcoholic father and my gambling-addicted mother are coming.

Brian: Maybe this Christmas, you should buy yourself ear muffs, because Lois will be yelling the crap out of you.

Peter: No she won't Brian, if I crap at midnight.

Brian: God, you're stupid.

Peter: Yeah...God.

Cut to Stewie, drinking root beer in his room with Rupert.

Stewie: Being a non-worshipper is great Rupert. Now seriously, it's great! No, you're kidding. You reckon I should? You do! Okay, here I go.

Stewie runs off, proceeding to pull off his pants. Cut outside, as Stewie runs outside naked when Lois picks him up.

Lois: STEWIE!

Stewie: I'm nude mother, like the girls on Cinemax!

Lois: You're not going to be running around like a J-Bird, not in our house...

Stewie at Dave and Dottie's house (the nudists), still nude.

Stewie: Then I had to come here, if I wanted to strut my stuff.

Back in the front yard, while Lois is picking out weeds and Meg and Chris are having a snow fight still.

Meg: Hey Chris, I see a girl touching your butt!

Chris: Where!

Chris turns around as Meg throws a huge snowball at him as he sneers back at her.

Chris: Hey Meg, two boys are touching your butt!

Meg: I'm not falling for that one.

What Meg doesn't know, two boys are touching her butt as he turns around.

Boy #1: Have you ever thought of liposuction? Because, that ass is huge...

Meg slaps Boy #1 to the ground as Boy #2 stares.

Boy #2: Midget!

Boy #2 runs forward as Meg trips him over.

Boy #2: Oh man, that hurts.

Lois, Peter and Brian are having dinner, while Chris and Meg snowball fight in the background through the window and Stewie runs around naked.

Peter: Nice food Lois.

Lois: Why thank you, can't you believe it, December 24th…….that one day before that magical holiday known as Christmas?

Peter: Yeah, I know.

Lois: After dinner, let's put up the Christmas tree, oh it's so rich and magical.

Peter: Yeah, rich like your snobby parents…

Lois: What did you say Peter?

Peter: I said I had a bad itch like your imprints.

Lois: Peter, that doesn't make sense.

Brian: Told her yet, Peter….

Lois: Told me what?

Brian: Of how lovely you look, I wish I was married to you again!

Lois: Why thank you…..

Lois walks off.

Brian: Damnit Peter, that was close.

Peter: A little too close.

Peter slaps Brian.

Peter: I have you listed as collateral, I'm not afraid to use it!

Cut to Christmas day. The Christmas tree is set up as Chris and Meg are all covered in snow, Stewie is naked and Brian is drinking alcohol when Peter and Lois walk in.

Brian: Looks like you got a present Stewie…….maybe no one told Santa you were an atheist now.

Stewie: Santa can shove that present up his ass and blow a huge fart and crap out the seven dwarfs from "Snow White" for all I care!

Meg: So cold….

Chris: I still can't believe they touched your butt.

Meg punches Chris, as they begin fighting.

Peter: Kids, stop it, right now! It's Christmas!

Lois: It's supposed to be rich and magical….

Peter: Rich like Richie Rich.

Lois: What did you say?

Peter: I said I have a bitchy leech.

Lois: Stewie, what did I say about you running around in the nude! Grandma and Grandpa will be here so……..WHOOPS!

Peter: I've got it all on tape, Lois….

Peter pulls up Brian's fur revealing a tape recorder strapped to him.

Brian:(on tape): Oh man, that woman has a nice ass.

Stewie:(on tape): Go on, touch it.

Woman:(on tape): What are you talking about?

Stewie:(on tape): Move those sexy legs, hot stuff.

Brian: That's for umm…..

Stewie: Our talk radio show on 937.AM, with Doomer and the Gritz.

Brian: It's a work in progress segment.

Stewie: With Carmen Electra as the woman, brewchachacha.

The doorbell rings as Peter answers it.

Peter: Well like, Carter and Barbara is here.

Carter: Hello Peter, hello pumpkin.

Carter kisses Lois on the forehead.

Peter: Look, it's my parents too!

Lois: You're what?

Lois' head explodes as Francis and Lizzie (his mother) walk in.

Francis: I suppose it's time to hit the dusty trail!

Francis spreads his arms like as if he were tired. Cut to commercial. Act 2. In the lounge room, everyone's staring at Peter and Lois (with her head back on).

Lois: You invited your parents without my permission!

Peter: Well so did you, Lois.

Lois: It was so hard to say "no" to my parents, they haven't seen them the kids for a long time.

Peter: So, your dad is a rich bastard!

Everyone gasps.

Carter: Sweetie, can I beat your husband to a bloody pulp?

Lois: No dad, it's between me and Peter.

Francis: Well, I bought my grandson Stewie a Catholic board game…..

Francis lays down a present near Stewie.

Francis: You're a good woman Lois, too bad your parents are arrogant prostanant bastards!

Lizzie: Hello Mrs. Pewterschmidt.

Barbara: Hello Mrs. Griffin.

Carter: You're calling me a bastard!

Francis: My son is too good for Lois.

Carter: My pumpkin is too good for your son!

Francis: Mine's too good.

Carter: No mine's too good!

Peter: We're both too good, happy?

Barbara: Oh look, with all that makeup you look like a total whore.

Lizzie: At least I am not a rich bitch!

Barbara: You're asking for it, slut!

Lizzie and Barbara start pulling each other's hair.

Lizzie: Skank!

Stewie: Porker.

Stewie kicks Meg as Chris kicks her as Meg and Chris begin fighting as Brian smacks Stewie with the chair as they start fighting.

Brian: You leave Meg alone!

Stewie: What, so you can do her?

Brian starts punching Stewie to the ground.

Peter: Carter…..

Carter: That's Mr. Pewterschdmit to you!

Carter tackles Peter as Francis lands on Carter as a three-way fight begins.

Lois: Everybody stop!

Francis: He tackled my boy!

Lois: I'm not taking any of this!

Lois leaps herself onto Francis as she begins slapping him.

Lois: You leave daddy alone!

Francis grabs hold of a table and aims at Lois, but hits Stewie out of the window.

Francis: Stewie!

Lois: Screw Stewie!

Lois kicks Francis through the wall as she starts to grab hold of Peter from the neck.

Peter: Let go of me Lois.

Lois: You let go!

Peter: No, you let go!

Peter nudges Lois off.

Peter: Thank you.

Carter punches Peter and slides him off to the fireplace as he runs out on fire. Cut to Joe, Bonnie and Kevin opening presents.

Joe: A second pair of official police underwear, thank you………….

Peter:(V.O): Someone save Little Lois!

Meg:(V.O): It's Meg!

Joe: My handicapped sense is tingling.

Kevin: What is it dad?

Joe: I don't know, but it sounds like a domestic disturbance at the old Griffin house, Kevin……..to the officer wheelchair!

Joe crawls out of his chair.

Joe: Help me Kevin.

Kevin lifts Joe up to his police wheelchair as it changes him to his police uniform as he goes off where his police sirens are going off, he slides off to the lawn and ends up rolling off through the window and aims his gun at everyone.

Joe: Freeze!

Cut to Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy stealing ice.

Mr. Freeze: Oh geez, what now?

Joe: Stop stealing ice, and all the rest of you………..freeze.

Cut to Peter covered in black smoke and snow as Meg's clothes are torn revealing her bra and underwear, and hat is ripped off and Chris is only in his torn underwear as Lois is full of cuts and bruises.

Lois: Oh, I feel so ashamed.

Meg: Yeah, me too.

Peter: So, what should we all do now?

Joe: Turn yourselves in.

Peter: Maybe we should.

Pause.

Peter: (You) (suck)!

Stewie:(walking in through the window): You got censored.

Cut to the family in one jail cell in the basement.

Lois: It isn't even noon on Christmas, and we're already in jail.

Peter: House arrest, that's different.

Joe rolls in with a man in a red, white and blue shirt.

Joe: You're all released.

Peter: Sweet!

Joe: Under one condition.

Peter: Oh no, I don't like where this is going, like that time I entered in the competition for Chris at the supermarket.

Flashback. Cut to Peter registering at a counter at the Stop n' Shop.

Peter: And I want to win a full-time Playpen subscription for my son.

Bag Boy: Is your son under 21?

Peter: No………..his, um……13?

Bag Boy: Um yeah, you're off the list for the raffle.

Peter: Maybe Meg might want some magazines with naked guys on it when she's older.

Present day.

Joe: A social worker named Adam Bardola will examine through your little incident.

Carter: Even me and Barbara and the stupid catholic family in-law.

Adam: Yes.

Carter: Oh, ass juice!

Francis: I'm not stupid, I'm catholic!

Cut to the Toys R' Overpriced store as Adam walks around with a clipboard with Peter.

Peter: And there's Lois, that cow invited her parents, without my permission, and we both agreed not to invite our parents.

Adam: I see.

Peter: There's Brian, Stewie, Chris and Meg. I love them all except that Meg.

Adam: I see.

Peter: I see, you see, we all see!

A person wearing sunglasses and walks with a cane walks up to them.

Person: I can't see.

Peter: I see sea the C.C Babcock, after the sea spurts out of the semen.

Adam: Yeah.

Cut to Meg in her bedroom as Adam sits on her bed with the clipboard.

Adam: Unknowingly befriended a cult leader, kissed a pig, got thrown out of a boat from your own father, treated as a dog, accidentally flashed at Spring Break, had sex on live TV with Jimmy Fallon, it sounds like you're the family's black sheep they all point and laugh at.

Meg: I reckon it's because I wear glasses, and wear a hat all the time, and I'm little pudgy. Chris wears that damn yellow cap all the time and never mistreated, only because his a guy, if I was guy here I would most probably get some more respect, and so I hate my father and called him an S.O.B a couple of times, his a moron and deserves to rot in Hell!

Pause.

Meg: I'm learning how to cook in cookery, want some cookies?

Cut to Stewie naked, bathing in chocolate as Adam sits on a stool writing on the same clipboard.

Stewie: Now Adam, from first look I may seem a little innocent. That's why I get away with so much, and Lois so little.

Adam: So, have you ever settled your hatred towards your mother?

Stewie: Oh Lois, here we go…..I suppose you could say, we're becoming more lenient towards each other, but there's still some undying hatred in there Adam, and you should know that.

Adam: Okay, according to the family dog Brian, you've become an atheist.

Stewie: Oh yes, God isn't real in my book, and isn't this the longest day in my life besides the day I escaped from the womb!

Adam: It's nearly 8:00pm.

Stewie: See, it's long! Oh wait…….it's 8? Time for a sexy party!

Stewie hops out covered in chocolate, and wearing his sailor suit as seven women in kinky clothing start running around to Benny Hill-type music as Adam is shocked. Cut to Chris' bedroom.

Chris: This Christmas sucks, and there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet.

Adam: Right, an evil monkey……

The Evil Monkey runs out and points and hops out of the window.

Adam: I would just say that's just a figment of my imagination.

Cut to everyone eating dinner.

Adam: I have assessed everyone today, and we all know it's a late dinner.

Lois: Yeah, almost midnight.

Adam: Meg, you have little confidence to stand up to your family.

Meg: Stand up?

Cut to Meg doing stand up.

Meg: Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it just did, it's none of your business.

Cut back to dinner.

Adam: Stewie, you're a deranged devil's child bent on world domination and hatred towards your own mother for no apparent reason!

Stewie: I HAVE MY REASONS!

Adam: And you are sexually-confused.

Stewie: Did he just call me gay?

Adam: Chris, you're a seven year-old trapped in a thirteen year old's body.

Peter: You can say that to my daughter, but not my son…..

Adam: Peter, I was just getting up to you……………you're fat, moronic, depraved perverted loud mouth who only thinks of himself, so I can suppose I can say, being a husband is one thing Peter, but you're most probably the World's Worst Dad.

Peter: No, I got one of those T-shirts that say "World's Greatest Dad".

Adam: The rest of you are all fine, and just are suffering dysfunctional family behavior patterns and must learn to love and communicate, and I'm not leaving until I fix up this broken family.

Next day. Everyone's having breakfast.

Carter: So we all can't live until everything's fixed.

Barbara: Not at all.

Francis: Oh Damnit!

Lizzie: Oh Pope, where art thou?

Adam: Don't worry, just treat this as if today was Christmas and not Arbor Day.

Francis: Okay, where's the candy canes?

Pause.

Adam: In the freezer, top draw.

Francis: Thanks.

Francis runs off. Cut to the family out in the woods, setting camp and having lunch.

Meg: Oh man, when Adam said we'll be going camping, I thought we would have to live on gross, dead animals to survive.

Peter: What sucks for me is that I don't get to eat you…..

Adam: Peter….

Peter: I mean, I love you sweetheart….

Peter hugs a surprised Meg, nervously.

Adam: Excellent, I think you'll make a great family.

Carter: It won't be a great family until Peter dies.

Adam: Whoa, that's kinda harsh.

Adam gets carried away by a bear wearing black-and-white striped clothes.

Lois: Adam!

Stewie: Yes, the social worker is gone! Bye, bye….

Brian walks up to Stewie with the Bible.

Brian: Stewie, remember this? The Bible?

Stewie: Yes, what about Babylon 5, ooh……food!

Stewie munches on the bible as Meg and Chris begin snowball-fighting again.

Chris: Take that Meg!

Meg: You take that Chris.

Peter: Yeah Dad, why don't we go hunting

Carter walks in.

Carter: Smashing idea.

Francis: Okay, son…..

Peter and Francis walk off.

Lois: This is worse then that time where we all gathered to watch the series premiere of "Stacked".

Flashback. Cut to the whole family watching TV, asleep except Stewie.

Stewie: Oh I get it, Pamela Anderson is so hot, she doesn't NEED to be funny.

Cut back to the present as Carter walks up to Lois.

Carter: Lois, we can't let Peter and his father threaten our father-daughter relationship. We are going to outdo them in hunting now that social worker is presumably dead.

Lois: But, why daddy? To prove we're the better family?

Carter: Yeah, well…………..there's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition isn't there Tupac Shakur's Angel.

Tupac Shakur's Angel: That's right Carter, a little "bang, bang, bang, bang" and a little childish name-calling didn't harm anyone either.

Carter: You ol' rat.

Tupac Shakur's Angel: You just call me a rat?

Carter: No, I didn't…….

Tupac Shakur's Angel: I'll do to you what I did to Notorious B.I.G.

Carter: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Cut to commercial. Cut to Stewie bathing in a tub of holy water when Brian walks in, in the woods still.

Stewie: Hello doggy, what's the matter?

Brian: Adam could be dead, or nearly dead, you've got to put your stupid God-hating thing aside and pray extra hard for Adam.

Stewie: Why should I?

Brian: He tried to make us family again after we went psycho yesterday on Christmas!

Pause.

Brian: So, for my sake…………..help me by praying.

Stewie: Okay, I'll help. Doesn't mean I believe in him.

Brian: You pray for me and Adam, because I'm going after him.

Stewie: Okay, then I'm coming too!

Brian: No, you're too young.

Stewie: No, by my personality standards and size, people we'll just think I'm a white Gary Coleman.

Brian: Whatachu talkin' bout, Stewie?

Cut to Peter and Francis hunting in the deeper woods, armed with shotguns.

Peter: This is just the thing I was looking for, a nice Christmas with my Dad.

Francis: Yeah, whatever….

Peter: What?

Francis: I'm only coming with you to prove the Griffin family is better then Carter's family.

Peter: So, you just think this just a family competition to see which one's to Carter and Lois hiding in the bushes.

Carter: Look at them Lois, now…………..shoot him in the crotch!

Lois: I'm not going to shoot Peter! I thought we were hunting "land manatees"?

Carter: Peter IS a "land manatee" and shoot him before I do.

Lois: Daddy, you can't do this!

Carter: Oh yeah, it'll be like your first date all over again…..

Flashback. Cut to Carter tying up a teenage boy in the basement as his holding him at gunpoint as a teenaged Lois walks in shocked.

Lois: Daddy, what are you doing with Roger?

Carter: He said he dad is related to MC Hammer, poor-ass white trash ahoy!

Present. Cut to Chris and Meg all covered in snow as they are up top a mountain.

Meg: Isn't the view wonderful?

Chris: It looks like Mariah Carey's face.

Meg: I'm sorry I threw snowballs at you.

Chris: I'm sorry I said you were a whore behind your back and drew a picture of you as a man and put it all over your school!

Meg: You what! I'll kill you!

Meg begins fighting Chris as they slide down the mountain, and begin to be covered completely by snow as they roll down as they both scream. The both land on Brian and Stewie (clothed) as Meg and Chris stand up and push the snow out of their clothes.

Brian: What were you guys doing up a mountain?

Meg: We were trying to settle our differences. What are you doing with Stewie?

Brian: We're looking for Adam, you in or not.

Chris: No.

Meg: Yeah, come on Chris, this is for Adam.

Chris: Meg's got a boyfriend, Meg's got a boyfriend!

Meg: Uh, no I don't.

Chris: Oh yeah……….you wear glasses. Hhahahahhaha!

Meg: Dad wears glasses too, Chris.

Pause.

Chris: Dad wears glasses! Dad wears glasses! Hahahahahahahaa!

Cut to Carter and Lois following Peter and Francis.

Lois: Daddy, this is ridiculous!

Carter: Why, the Pewterschdmits are the better family sweetheart.

Lois: They're going to hear us daddy!

Carter: And will you lay off the daddy crack!

Lois: How did you know about the crack?

Carter: Never mind!

The bear from the other scene comes out of behind a tree and lifts Peter up as Francis looks, scared and starts shooting at the air and ends up tripping and falling down, down, down deeper into the woods as Lois gasps as Carter smiles.

Carter: Isn't this great honey? If they both die………..we'll be the better family!

Lois: You jerk!

Lois slaps him as she runs off. Cut to Lizzie and Barbara at the lunch table.

Lizzie: Barbara…….

Barbara: Lizzie.

Lizzie: I'm sorry I called you a "rich bitch".

Barbara: No, no………I should be sorry for saying you were a "total whore".

Lizzie: So, let's just agree……

Barbara: Okay, hey………..where's the rest of the family?

Lizzie: Wanna get the "Teen Idol" magazines out of Meg's bag and start reading them.

Barbara: OKAY!

Lizzie and Barbara run off, happily. Cut to the woods as Lois keeps running and stops at a tree with a phone attached to it.

Lois: A pay phone! In the middle of the woods, this must be sheer luck!

Lois grabs a 20 cent coin and puts it in the phone as she dials a number and grabs the phone and puts it to her ear.

Adam West:(V.O): Hello this is Adam West, if you're calling about the rubber duck; it's been sold to a rich Dutch family with the last name of "Pewterschmdit" ….

Lois: Wait…………..a rubber duck!

Pause.

Lois: Dutch?

Cut to the bear mauling Peter as Carter's grin widens as Lois runs back.

Peter: Lois! Help!

Lois: Dad, do you still have the rubber duck from Adam West and the fishing rod?

Carter: Yeah? Why?

Lois: Just watch……….

Lois is tying up a rubber duck to the end of a fishing rod as she puts back in Carter's hand as he lowers it.

Lois: Francis! Can you hear me!

Pause.

Lois: FRANCIS!

Francis: WHAT! HUH! WHAT LOIS?

Lois: Great, he's alive…………..WHEN YOU SEE A RUBBER DUCK HANG ONTO IT!

Francis: WHY!

Lois: YOU'LL SEE!

Peter: Lois, you gotta help me!

Lois: Peter!

Pause.

Lois: What would Oprah Winfrey do?

Lois runs off and proceeds to cut down a tree.

Peter: What are you doing Lois?

Lois: You'll see!

Peter: Pamela Anderson naked?

Bear: ARGH! HUH? Argh!

Lois stops cutting down the tree and chops the bear's head off as Peter stands up and hugs Lois.

Peter: Lois, you saved my life! I'm sorry I called you names.

Lois: I'm sorry, too Peter, this whole Christmas has been a complete mess.

Peter: This Christmas has been pretty good to me…….

Peter and Lois kiss and look at each other.

Peter: Wait? Where's my dad?

Lois: My dad is saving you dad as we speak.

Francis walks up to Peter, with lots of cuts and bruises.

Francis: Oh man……….I was worried for my life! Peter, remind not to get a day off work ever again.

Peter and Lois laugh.

Francis: What?

Carter walks up to them as well with a sad face.

Lois: Dad, me and Peter have made up what about you and Francis?

Carter: I'm sorry Francis……

Francis: I'm sorry Carter, what about a night of poker tomorrow night when this whole ordeal is over….

Carter: You know how to play cards….

Francis: Well, don't get me started.

Meg, Chris, Brian, Stewie AND Adam walk in.

Peter: Adam! You're not dead!

Adam: That's right!

Meg: You should've seen it, like these tribes people were after us right and…..

Brian: Let me tell it Meg, we killed people and found Adam in a bear cave.

Peter: Whoa! Tribes people!

Brian moans.

Adam: I'm so glad the entire family is learning how to help one another out, but where are Lizzie and Barbara.

Lizzie and Barbara drive in a Black Buggy driven by Jesse McCartney.

Lizzie: WE WON A DRIVING CONTEST IN TEEN IDOL!

Barbara: SWEET RIDE! HUH!

Adam: Their they are……

Lizzie and Barbara land on there butts.

Adam: I'm here to tell you…………….I'm actually God.

Adam pulls off a mask revealing his God.

Stewie: God? God is real?

God: I was put here to tell Stewie, that Christianity is the winning team in the religion game. Now excuse me I'm late for a conference meeting in Idaho.

God goes off in a horse. Cut home as Brian, Peter, Lois, Meg and Chris are walking up to the front door.

Brian: I can't believe Stewie beat me home in the race…..

Lois: I'm just happy we're all family, again….

Cut to Stewie hiding in the corners.

Stewie: God might be real, but it'll take a couple of more things to make me believe in Santa Claus, the Boogeyman and Michael Jackson……….till then, I shall be the devil child in this family again. What the blast is that camera panning at? Oh yes my line, HAPPY BLASTIN' XMAS!

End credits.

DETETED SCENES

DELETED SCENE #1

Cut to the Family watching TV.

Announcer: We now return to "A Charlie Brown Christmas".

Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you ever had a crush...on a girl?

Snoopy: Are you calling me gay!

Charlie Brown: No, it's just that...

Snoopy: Listen, I didn't know Pacman swings that way! Okay.

Charlie Brown: But...just...

Snoopy: Shut up, just shut up...alright, you hear me...shut up!

Peter: Man, what's wrong with being happy? It's Christmas!

END OF DELETED SCENE #1

DELETED SCENE #2

Cut to Stewie waiting in the corners as Peter peers from the couch.

Stewie: Blast!

Stewie blasts Peter, Meg screams as she opens the door and Stewie blasts him, Lois walks down stairs as Stewie tries to blast Lois and misses and then blasts Chris through the window.

Meg: Oh my God!

Chris: Oh no!

Lois: No dinner for you tonight!

Stewie: HAPPY BLASTIN' XMAS!

Peter: Sweet.

END OF DELETED SCENE #2

Stewie: This fanfic's over with, go away, review it. Go on……you know you want to. Well, go on………….BLAST!