Title: What I want
A/N: Post ep for S4 ep "Want". Minor spoiler for "Wee Small Hours". Also, my first LaO: CU fic.
1As Bobby downed three extra strength aspirin he heard Alex's voice in his mind.
"Try to hard to get inside his head you'll give yourself a migraine."
No, he thought. I've got a migraine now that I'm trying to get out of his head. Getting into it. . . that was easy. All too easy. He'd understood this suspect all to well. This time it was his own voice he heard.
"He's looking for someone who wouldn't be in a hurry to leave. Someone who would stay."
He was looking for the same thing. Someone who would stay. He'd gone through several partners before Alex. They'd all been anxious to transfer. To get away from him. In Alex he'd finally found someone who would stay. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to tell her just how much that meant to him. Such a simple thing- staying his partner- but it meant everything to him. She meant everything to him.
"You want to be truthful."
He did. He wanted to tell her the truth. That he loved her. Once again they'd played the role of a married couple. It wasn't the first time, and wouldn't be the last. It was so easy. So natural. They were even taken for a married couple at times when they weren't trying to play the role. And it was a role he loved. A role he wish he could truly have. He could thing of nothing he'd like better than a lifetime with Alex. But he wasn't really her husband. He was alone.
"The loneliness is so deep. You never get used to it."
He'd been speaking the truth. You never got used to being alone. He'd been alone for years and still wasn't used to it. And yet, when he was with Alex he didn't feel alone. It was one of the reasons he loved the long hours their cases demanded. Long hours with Alex. Hours when he wasn't alone. Every day since his mother had retreated into her own world the loneliness had grown deeper in him. . .until he'd met Alex. But when he went home at night, away from her, he felt the soul deep loneliness again.
"You needed to be connected to her. To be close to her."
He was connected to Alex, and he did need to be close to her. It sometimes felt as if she was a drug. A drug he was addicted to. A lot of people hated Mondays, but he looked forward to them. By Sunday night he was missing her, wanting to see her, talk to her, be near her. She was his connection. She kept him connected to the real world, so that he didn't end up lost in his own world as his mother had.
And then he heard her voice again.
"I guess now everyone has what they want."
Only partly, he thought. He wanted Alex. And in some ways he had her. He had her as a friend and partner, but not as a wife or lover. He had her in his life, but not in his home. . his bed. At that thought images of him and Alex making love in his bed filled his mind but he reluctantly pushed them away. As beautiful as she was, as desirable as she was, it was her mind and heart that had caused him to fall in love with her.
His phone rang, drawing him from his thoughts. As he reached for his phone he found himself hoping it would be Alex calling. They needed to talk.
Alex leaned back against the door after closing it. She usually didn't mind coming home to her empty apartment. Her family wasn't large, but their house had been small and privacy had been at a premium when she was a child. She'd always dreamed of having her own apartment, all to herself. But tonight was one of the nights it bothered her. She'd just had dinner with her sister and brother-in-law and their son. The son she'd carried and given birth to.
She remembered something she'd told Bobby earlier.
"I guess now everyone has what they want."
And professionally she did. She had a great job, and a brilliant partner. A partner she loved, in every meaning of that word. She had her own apartment in New York City. But she wanted a family of her own. She wanted to hold her own child, her own family. She wanted someone to look at her the way her brother-in-law looked at her sister. She decided that seeing her nephew, and pretending to be married to Bobby at the chocolate store was why she felt so lonely tonight.
Then she remembered something Bobby had said. "The loneliness runs so deep."
There'd been something about the way he'd said it. He was speaking from personal experience. She felt very sure of that. It hurt her to think that Bobby was so lonely. He shouldn't be lonely, he should be with someone. . . with her. She remembered other things Bobby had said.
"He's looking for someone who wouldn't be in a hurry to leave. Someone who would stay. Someone who won't judge."
Bobby's mother had left him, as had his father. And his partners before her hadn't stayed around long. Was Bobby also looking for someone who wouldn't leave him? Someone who wouldn't judge him? Guilt stabbed her as she remembered that she had judged Bobby, and almost left him. She'd written that letter asking for a transfer. The letter Bobby still didn't know about. If she had her way he'd never know about it.
But that letter had been written long ago. She no longer judged him, but admired him. . . loved him. And she knew she'd never voluntarily leave him. She loved him. She'd never tell him about the letter, but maybe it was time she told him about her feelings.
She quickly picked up her phone and hit the speed dial set for his number before she could change her mind.
Okay, not sure if I should continue this or not. . .Yes? No? Maybe?