Nobody is perfect,
Anybody has secrets,
Somebody has a deadly one.
25 people are about to discover just how mortal they are…
By tikitikirevenge and hoogiman
Forward and legal note by tikitikirevenge:
Al teh cahrcters in tihs stoari r pwn3d bi N1nt3nd0. 0NLy l0s3rs d0nt b3l13ve taht.
For those of you who prefer real writing:
All the characters in this story are owned by Nintendo. Only losers don't believe that.
By now, you'll probably want to know what crazy stunt I've concocted this time. Well, it's actually quite simple. The Smash Brothers, while taking some downtime in Master Hand's supplied accommodation (dubbed the "Smash Mansion"), are suddenly and slowly being killed off. Each chapter will focus mainly on one particular character's side of the story. There are a few important things you should know if you're seriously going to try to work out who is responsible for the deaths.
1 We will not describe every minute detail of a character's day. A conversation Mario has with (for example) Link may be glossed over in Mario's version of events and covered in extreme detail in Link's chapter. And I'll just point out that in chapter 2, the perpetrator of a minor crime will be painfully obvious, although we won't say who did it, even in that character's chapter.
2 We will never say outright that a character is dead. You might see, '"He's dead," said Ganondorf', but you won't see 'and so Pikachu died', unless we are absolutely sure that we won't bring the character back.
3 We will not say outright who kills a character. You might see, 'Mario leant down and put his fingers on Yoshi's throat, but even after half a minute, he couldn't feel the slightest pulse'. However, you won't see 'Mario strangled Yoshi, then told the others he couldn't feel a pulse'.
4 Because of the first three things, note this: the last person we talk about may not be the killer – are you sure the others have expired?
Let's get this straight: I and my brother came up with this story before people started putting their bad murder mysteries onto and before people started putting their good murder mysteries- oh, wait. There weren't any. Well, just so that you know that this wasn't really inspired by anything in particular except for the Super Smash Brothers games. The portrayal of these characters probably doesn't reflect your or Nintendo's views, but we find it funny, so you can stick your objections up your complaint box and file them after this story is finished being posted.
And while not all of the characters in this story deserved their fates, most of them do. (I'm looking at you, Captain Falcon. And Ness. And Peach. And Mewtwo. And Luigi. And… okay, they all deserved their fates.)
Yes, this has plot inconsistencies. Yes, the murderer is one of them. Yes, there will be clues and red herrings inserted every five words Luigi or so when you read Jigglypuff the story (and this Fox note).
And in case I don't insert another big note like this again, good mornin', good evening, and good knight. Get it? Knight? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… right, I'll shut up.
The following chapter was created by tikitikirevenge and hoogiman and written by tikitikirevenge.
1 - Afterthought
Mario is a plumber with Italian origins. He has a few enemies in the form of the King of Koopas, Bowser; his brother, Luigi (mildly); his rival, Wario and the ape Donkey Kong, and a few good friends in the form of Bowser, Luigi (just kidding), Wario and Donkey Kong. He wears red and blue overalls. He is male. He has saved the Mushroom Kingdom numerous times, and he deserves his fate.
Mario woke up.
"Oh no!" he said.
Mario went back to sleep.
Mario woke up.
"Oh no again!" he said.
Mario went back to sleep.
Mario redid the tired joke.
Mario woke up yet again.
"I must-a have sleeping problems."
Little did he realise that he was going to die- oops, that's for later. Meanwhile, he got a hot drink (oil, as plumbers like oil), drank it, tripped over Pikachu, and went back to bed.
Perhaps I should clarify the situation. The Smash Brothers were a group of 24 famous/popular/important Nintendo characters (Mario, Luigi, DK, Yoshi, Peach, BOWSER!, Pikachu, Pichu, Mewtwo, Jigglypuff, Captain Falcon, Fox, Falco, Mr Game & Watch, the Ice Climbers, Link, Zelda, Young Link, Ganondorf, Samus, Roy, Marth and Kirby). Along with their host, Master Hand, they made 25 people with exciting backgrounds and great futures ahead of them (at least, if I didn't kill them all off slowly). And before you tell me that there are more than 25 people on that list, the Ice Climbers are small enough to only count as one person. And as for Young Link and Ness, they're not small where it truly counts. OH. Sorry.
These Smash Brothers were taking downtime in the middle of an exciting tournament (try reading tiki's style guide for an example). They were using Master Hand's giant summer house as accommodation, better known as the "Smash Mansion". This was large and had plenty of space for all of them. For the most part, they all got along well. TEHN THE MURDRER KILD TEHM. Sorry.
The night was more or less uneventful for Mario, except that he had a dream for once. It was a very pleasant dream… his secret hero, Wario, was congratulating him for winning the 'Wario' award. Then a group of female Warios in bikinis walked up to Mario and made cooing noises. He floated back and ended up in a red room with molten sugar dripping from the ceiling, and the female Warios were standing there, waiting for him. They opened their mouths and moaned softly. Mario moaned in response, and took off his overalls, stretching his limbs and licking his lips in anticipation. The Wario women reached over invitingly and pulled off his underwear, freeing his-
Mario woke up and saw Jigglypuff the Pokemon hanging onto the lightbulb in his room.
"WAAGH!" he shouted, jumping off the bed.
He recovered slightly, turned to see what Jigglypuff (a.k.a. Stupid Individual no. 2) was doing. She appeared to be watering the light bulb.
"Little Pokemon," said Mario, "you do-a realise that the bulb will not-a grow?"
Jigglypuff looked at him, puzzled, tried to think of something to say, realised that thinking was very exhausting, and fainted.
Mario shrugged as 'pink puffball no. 1' rolled out of the room, unconscious. "I'm up. Bright and-a early," he said. "The healthy thing to do." He smiled, hummed slightly, and turned to his dresser.
While all seemed quiet in the Smash Mansion this early in the morning, as a matter of fact, many of the Smashers led lively, wild lives even in the morning. Some of them didn't even have to imagine it!
An easy demonstration of this would be the fact that Mario opened his bedroom door straight into Ness' face as he came out.
"Ow…" moaned Ness. "What was that for – oh, wait… you aren't psychic. Uh… watch what you're doing." He staggered away, looking dizzy.
"The house is so-a peaceful," said Mario to himself. "Nothing violent would-a ever happen here."
Thinking, he chuckled.
"Nobody would expect murder here…" he finished. He might not realise it, but by the end of the day, murder would be foremost on everyone's minds.
The Smash Mansion was three stories high, plus an unused attic and an old basement/cellar underground. Most of the bedrooms were on the second or third level (I won't say floor; I won't say floor). This was because they afforded a better view, because it gave Master Hand an excuse to build truly elegant fire escapes, and because bedrooms are more dramatic when they are high up. (I recently bought a book on how to write run-of-the-mill stories. It's excellent reading, although somewhat like all of the other writing guides out there.)
Mario's bedroom was on the second floor, so he only had to walk down one flight of stairs to reach the master kitchen (named, of course, after Master Hand). His intention was to get himself a glass of orange juice. Milk was absolutely out of the question after Young Link's insistence on removing all non-Lon Lon Milk from the premises. That stuff was disgustingly sweet, and apparently – disgustingly – natural! Obviously Young Link knew nothing about the way things worked around here. Nature was evil. Only heavily manufactured and processed products were even worth giving consideration to.
Mario arrived in the kitchen to find Ness again, as well as Kirby ('pink puffball no. 2'). "What are you two doing-a here?" he asked curiously.
"Uh…" said Kirby. "Nothing… evil… heh heh…" He quickly ran into the fridge and closed the door to avoid scrutiny.
"Nothing important," said Ness. "Kirby just wants to enter this competition run by a catering company. There are food prizes."
"Oh," said Mario. That was certainly not unexpected. Kirby was very good at going to extreme measures to procure as much food as Dreamlanderly possible. "So what are you doing?"
Ness blushed. "Me? Oh… I'm… helping him fill in forms. That's the truth."
"The whole truth?" said Mario, feeling that something was being kept from him.
Ness blushed even more furiously and dived into the fridge after Kirby.
"Strange," said Mario. He opened the fridge, and Ness and Kirby dashed out past him. Mario again shrugged, used to the antics of the kids. He got out some frozen baken (I meant bacon. Really) and then turned on the fryer.
"I think I'll cook a bit extra in case anyone else comes down."
This was a good idea, as the kitchen was almost the no. 1 meeting place in the house, where everyone seemed to run into each other, and, of course, go for small snacks and meals (Kirby sometimes set camp there to avoid walking too much in his sleep).
The main problem, of course, with cooking in a place like this was the alarmingly high frequency of unexploded ordinance in the kitchens. While nobody was willing to take the blame for the helicopter which had dumped the gunpowder inside the day before, everyone was slightly suspicious of Bowser, who had been heard phoning someone earlier that day and talking about that. Mario had already adjusted to this slight discrepancy and walked around the landmines.
"I'm-a walking around the landmines," he hummed to himself. "Around… landmines… in the kitchen…"
See? If you don't like it, you have an excuse to stop reading. Now shut up and read.
Mario finished cooking a large platter of fried bacon, done in styles varying from 'rare' to 'charcoal' (but, sadly, no 'edible'). As he did, Captain Falcon (Stupid Individual no. 3) entered the room.
"Yo, baby! Woah! Zoom! I'm a race car driver! Wanna party? Badda boom! That's, like, the extent of my vocabulary! Dude!"
"Hello-a, Captain," said Mario in a sing-song voice, gingerly biting a piece of bacon which was still on fire.
"Hey, Marth… I mean, Mario. That cooking looks a little… un-cool."
Mario nodded. "My speciality is plumbing." He looked up hopefully. "Do you need plumbing help?"
"No," said Captain Falcon, scratching his groin. "All this talk about plumbing makes me feel like talking to the golden girl."
"What?" said Mario.
"Samus," said Falcon in a 'duh' voice. "Duh. You know? The one and only hot babe in the Mansion?"
Mario sighed. "The one who always responds to your repeated advances with-a violence?"
Captain Falcon glared at him, stuffed some raw (and frozen) bacon into his mouth, and left the room.
After another two minutes of experimentation, Mario gave up, dumped the badly cooked food into the bin, and got himself some cereal. He took the food over to the main dining room, which was conveniently located right next to the kitchen (Kirby thought that arrangement was very elegant).
Seeing that he was not alone, and that the mysterious (not really) elf, Link, was also seated at the table, Mario had the grace to mumble something with his mouth full.
"Good morning to you, too," said Link calmly. "Is anyone else up?"
Mario nodded. "As-a usual, the entire house woke up right at five."
"Naturally," said Link, before bursting into laughter and falling face-first into a bowl of soggy Rice Paps, before continuing to laugh, pound his fists on the table, and choke rather violently.
Mario picked up the newspaper and began to read.
STUPID PEOPLE BURN DOWN BANK
A certain princess, Pokemon and F-Zero driver were reportedly seen running around on fire outside the local bank, which, as we know, exploded yesterday. This, of course, is a tabloid, so you can't really believe anything we write here, but as long as you keep buying this rag, we're not particularly concerned about this. And for legal reasons, we're not going to say anything about Peach, Jigglypuff or Captain Falcon, who are "obviously" not the aforementioned idiots.
Mario frowned, confused. "I wonder who the paper is-a referring to?"
Link looked up from his bowl of oats. "That is a tabloid. Only every third article they print has the slightest basis in truth."
"Good-a point," said Mario, looking back down to the paper as Pichu came in.
TABLOID WRITES RUMOURS ABOUT ITSELF
A certain local tabloid paper, famous for its wild rumours, has, according to our source, been writing defamatory articles against itself, apparently accusing its writers of defaming the paper in the article.
The fact that even the most low-grade, dirty newspaper would do something as horrid as hiring writers who would call their own employer "low-grade", "dirty" and responsible for "horrid" acts is amazing. This correspondent waits impatiently for himself to get fired.
"…chu chipi uchi?" "…so can I?"
"I'm sorry," said Mario, looking at Pichu. "What did you ask?"
Pichu sighed. "Pichi chipi chu chu chipa chu chu; chu chu; chu chu chuppa chuppa chu chu?" "Are you done with that newspaper? I and my friends want to use it."
Mario shook his head. "I'm-a reading it."
Pichu nodded, disappointed, to say the least. He walked out of the room, accidentally electrocuting himself in the process.
"Remember," said Link, looking vaguely in your direction, "only every third article in a tabloid is true."
"I wonder if that will have any significance?" said Mario, looking at the third and last headline on the front page.
A witness to the recent massacre said he saw the person who had gone on a rampage, killing hundreds of innocent people by playing baroque music to them for hours on end.
"Yes," he said. "The – the killer! And more deaths will come! Why, no-one is safe. Not even the people in the bank, or the Smash Mansion." When asked exactly who the killer is, he paused dramatically, before suffering from a heart attack and dying.
Fortunately, his close friend said that the secret had been confided in her. "It's ridiculous," she said. "The killer is-
Mario burst into laughter.
"What?" said Link.
"This article thinks that one of us Smash Brothers…" he continued to laugh. "He thinks a Smash Brother is a killer!"
"Yeah, right," said Link.
"It even gives a name," the plumber added.
"Not interested," said Link. "I'll probably burst into laughter every time I see the person."
Mario thought about what Link had said, chuckled some more, and put the newspaper down.
"Well," said Mario. "Look at the time-a, Link!" Noticing Link had ignored him, Mario decided he should see Master Hand about people's behaviour in the house.
Reaching Master Hand's office on the third and top floor, Mario was surprised to find the door locked. "Unusual," he said. Master Hand always said that his door was open. In fact, there was a sign on his door to that effect. It said, 'this door is always open'. Like I just implied.
Mario's brother, Luigi, walked towards him along the hallway.
"Hey, Luigi," said Mario. "Do you know why this door is locked-a?"
The only response he received was an icy stare. It's polite not to look over people's shoulders when they're typing, bro. Please stop doing that. Thank you.
"What?" said Mario, feeling uncomfortable in the silence.
"We need to talk-a," said Luigi in a cold voice.
"What is it?"
Luigi opened his mouth when the door to Master Hand's room unlocked and Peach came out.
"Bye, Master Hand!" she said cheerily, before turning to Mario. "It's okay. You can go in now. The music is playing again."
"Music?" said Mario, bewildered.
"I like new age music!" sang Peach, tripping over her feet and rolling down the hallway. "La la la… the music… bubble gum pop…"
Mario entered Master Hand's office.
Master Hand turned. "Look! Could you at least LISTEN to what I have to say, Peach? It's simply not WORTH putting a super-surround…" he trailed off, realising that he was addressing Mario.
"Hey!" he said. "Mario! How are you? Sorry, I thought you were that stupid - someone else."
"Everyone seems to be mistaking me for someone or other today," said Mario.
"Is that so, Jigglypuff?" said Master Hand. "I mean, Bowser. No, Roy. Mario."
"Yes-a," said Mario, nodding to show that he was telling the truth. "Everyone is-a mistaking me for someone else."
"Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Yes," said Mario. "I've completed the insurance forms."
"And have you made a will? You know, in case the tournaments… not that it'd probably happen, but still…"
Mario nodded. "I have-a the will here."
Master Hand looked at it. "Woah. I didn't realise you had that much. And… ten percent to me?"
"I trust you," said Mario.
Wills are an integral part of murder stories. Oops – did I just hint that there would be murder here? Surely not!
"And all these other donations… wow. Fifty percent of your assets going to…?" Master Hand paused curiously. "Are you sure you've thought this through?"
"You're giving fifty percent of your assets to-"
"Yes," said Mario impatiently. "Don't get worked up at me like that-a. I just happen to owe a lot-"
"Financially or morally?"
"-morally to one of the Smashers. Is that a problem with you?"
Master Hand shook his… (lousy Master Hand, has no head…) hand. "Of course not. It just seems like such a big amount."
Master Hand produced a giant pen and signed witness.
"Thank you-a," said Mario, getting up and heading out. "Don't-a worry. I'm not going to be dying anytime soon-a."
"Yes," said Master Hand in an oddly calm voice. "You won't be dying."
Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff ran past, shouting death threats at Mario.
"Weird-a," said Mario.
Captain Falcon and Bowser ran past, shouting death threats at Mario and screaming madly.
"Perhaps I am-a in more danger than I thought," said Mario, jumping out of a window.
Fortunately, when he had jumped out, he had landed in a flower bed. So he spent the next few minutes pacing around the great gardens surrounding the Smash Mansion.
The gardens were well tended, thanks in part to the slave Waddle Dees who Kirby had "hired" the other day.
Not much happened for a while… (psycho strings)
Mario was walking underneath the main windows.
Roy's flaming body landed in front of him.
"AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH again!" he shouted.
"Ha, ha!" laughed Roy. "It was just a prank. Which I and my friend played on you!"
Mario stared, shocked.
"Ow…" moaned Roy. "My back…"
Mario stared, shocked.
"…and my face…"
Mario stared, shocked.
"…my beautiful face… NOT THAT I MEANT THAT…"
Mario stared, shocked.
"…and my hair…"
Mario backed away slowly and quickly ran around to the other side of the house, where he was immediately confronted by a large bush. Realising that, indeed, he had fallen into a bush, he extracted his head from it just as another body came tumbling down, crushing the bush.
"WAARGH another time!" Mario shouted.
Looking carefully, he noted that it was the pokemon Jigglypuff's body which lay there. Giving it a gentle poke, it woke up.
"Jig?" she said curiously. "Huh?"
Realising what had happened, she started bouncing up and down excitedly. "Jig! Jiggy liggly ig puff! Jig jig jig jig jiggly iggly piggly ig!" "Yay! That was exciting! Nonsense yttrium zirconium compounded per annum seventeen!" She leapt at him and kissed him in the face, blushed, and ran off quickly.
Mario stared, shocked.
Coming back to his senses, Mario stood up.
He walked back to the main door of the mansion and walked up the regal steps leading inside. Just as he reached the top, however, a large something crashed down, landing immediately in front of him.
"Not another non-dead body!" he said, slightly frustrated.
Bowser, who was the large something which had fallen in front of Mario, stood up, coughed, and brushed some talcum powder off his shell.
"You're on-a fire-a?" said Mario, slightly bemused.
"Well, yes," said Bowser. "It's a long story." He screamed in a feminine voice and rolled around, putting out the flames. Returning to his normal growl: "You probably don't want to hear all the boring facts in their full glory-"
"No, I don't-a," interrupted Mario, sidestepping around Bowser and into the mansion. Fortunately, nobody else fell from a great height, at least in the vicinity.
"Oh, don't listen to me," wailed Bowser from behind him. "Don't worry about me. I'm not sulking; I won't bear any grudges."
Time flowed by like a river in a riverbed. I wrote that part as filler.
Re-entering the living quarters, Mario encountered Ness and Mewtwo, resident psychics.
"Hey, Mario," said Ness, tripping over his ridiculously large head.
"Hey, human," said Mewtwo, tripping over Ness' ridiculously large head.
"Oh-a no!" said Mario. "Are you two okay-a?"
"Of course we are, Myrt- I mean, Mario," raged Mewtwo (he rages a lot). Mewtwo got up, using Ness' ridiculously large head as leverage.
"Everyone is getting my name wrong today-a," sighed Mario for not the first time.
"It must just be a bad day," said Ness, standing up and accidentally breaking a wall with his ridiculously large head. "That happens to me at times as well."
"Yes. Why, once, I woke up and everybody was speaking in opposites. It turned out I had drunk too much sugar the night before. Bye! Hello! Ha ha ha ha! Sugar…" Ness collapsed to the ground, crushing Mario's foot with his ridiculously large head. "Oops. Sorry, Mario."
"Ness, we could be spending our time doing something more profitable than talking with plumbers. You remember our-" Mewtwo glanced at Mario – "our discussing about the dance last night?"
"Talk psychically," said Ness, and both catlike Pokemon and boy with ridiculously large head fell silent.
Mario passed them by and entered his room, where, instead of finding Luigi who also slept in there, he found the Princess Peach.
"Hello-a, Princess," said Mario warmly.
"Oh, hi!" said Peach, looking at him with the usual wide-eyed expression. "My room seems awfully different right now," she said with her usual straightforward manner.
"This is-a my room," pointed out Mario.
"Ah," said Peach. "But the hallucination-inducing telephone was so sure that it was right…"
Mario wasn't too worried about this rambling, as stupid individual no. 1 (yes, Peach) was known for her frequent lucid imaginings. She was also known for her sweet, high-pitched voice which was, if you'd believe it, so sweet that UPON HEARING IT YOU'D WANT TO THROW UP OR REMOVE ALL THE TENSION SUCH A VOICE WOULD INSTIL IN YOU FROM YOUR BODY IN ANY METAPHORICAL MANNER POSSIBLE WHILE RIPPING OUT PEACH'S THROAT TO SILENCE HER SO THAT YOU WOULD NO LONGER HAVE TO ENDURE THE VOICE. Combined, she was one of those crazy people who it was lovely to be around as long as you had a crowbar handy.
"Could you leave, Peach?"
"Do you have any perfume trucks or new age music CDs?"
Mario ignored the obscure question and gave Peach a throw out of the room.
He sat there for a while, reflecting on his plans for today, before getting up and heading for the door.
He was met halfway by Luigi.
Luigi was blunt. "We need to talk. Outside. Now-a."
Realising what Luigi wanted, Mario sighed in resignation and followed his brother down.
It was warm outside, but that did little to change the atmosphere.
Luigi was almost steaming with fury, the expression on his face one which indicated that he was not going to back down.
"Why?" was the first thing he said.
"Don't give-a me your excuses-a!" spat his brother.
"Fine, then, I-"
"Why did you take my money-a? I know that it was-a you."
"Why do even our most dramatic scenes have to include this very obviously faked-a accent?"
"Don't change the subject. I hate you-a! What reason could there be?"
While they were talking Luigi had paced full circle around Mario, who stood still, nervously twitching his index finger.
"I used the money to buy a magazine, brother. It was-"
"Don't lie; I know you hate magazines!" It was true; Mario had been attacked by a magazine in his childhood and had never really been interested in reading them since. He hadn't beforehand either, but it sounds so much more distressing this way, does it not?
"I bought a copy of PlayGameboy for Bowser, Luigi, it is the truth!"
"For Bowser?" Luigi's eyes widened. He looked as if he was reaching boiling point.
"Yes-a," said Mario. "I owed Bowser a favour or-a two, so I bought him a magazine."
"But – but with my money?"
"It was all I could find at the time-a," explained Mario.
Luigi gave him a cold look. "I trusted you."
Mario lowered his head.
After a minute, he spoke. "Brother Luigi, can you forgive me?"
"Forgive you?" Luigi's voice was ice cold like the floor of the Mansion. "No. No. Never will I forgive you-a." He glared.
Mario turned away. "Again, I am-a sorry."
Mario began to walk away from Luigi and the house, his thoughts dazed. He should have known this would happen. Why didn't he steal someone else's money? Like Marth's? Nobody cares about Marth.
Mario heard Luigi call from behind him. "Mario… why Bowser? Why our sworn enemy? What could you possibly owe him for-a?"
Mario began to turn. "Luigi, it is-a simple. Bowser has-"
Mario suddenly felt a stinging sensation. Like an echo, he heard a loud crack like someone slamming a car door the size of a mountain, and then everything went dark. And no, it wasn't because the sun set.
(Exit Mario – or does he?)
Please R/R and tell plz hoo teh murdurur(s) iz in ur opinion -- Hoogiman
Please read/review and please tell who, in your opinion, the murderer is. Thanks in advance (I'm just being wishful now) – tikitikirevenge
Www. Hoogi. Brickfilms. Com/Smashmansion/25