AUTHORS NOTE: This was fun to write. That's all I have to say really. Oh and it's complete crack. I think the delivery guy may have put something in my fried rice...
Vanessa skipped daintily down the smooth, clean pavement, the frills of her sugary pink princess dress bouncing at her perfect (but well covered) legs. Her golden curls danced about her twinkling baby blue eyes like sun rings on the clearest day. She flashed a bright smile at her many admirers as she skipped on by. Oh, how they loved her!
"Love me!" she sang to them as she passed and the birdies sang along. And not those kinds of birdies like vultures and crows and pigeons. The sweet, cute kinds of birdies. Like in those Disney flicks.
She gave a few rifts of "Someday My Prince Will Come" in a ridiculously-impossible- to-interpret-and possibly-harmful-to-the-ears high pitched voice and swirled around a few times. The crowd gasped in awe. For this was truly an amazing feat. The poofy white clouds hummed along to her little song and the green, leafy trees swayed in happy happy bliss. That is until...
DUN DUN DUN!
The former sunny, blue cracked with voluminous thunder and a blinding jet of lightening darted through the sky and struck a cute little birdie dead.
Vanessa gasped. "Who would do such a thing?!"
While the logical explanation in almost any other case would have been a disturbance of the normal condition of the atmosphere, manifesting itself by winds of unusual force or direction, often accompanied by rain, snow, hail, thunder, and lightning, or flying sand or dust a.k.a mother nature, Vanessa was actually on to something!
A dark figure stepped out from behind a nearby sugar plum castle.
"Eek!" Vanessa's admirers cried. "It's the EVIL RAPIST Stanton!"
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
"IIIIE!" Vanessa shrieked and put both of her ever so delicate hands to her cheeks in a dramatic motion. "Someone help me!"
TheEVIL RAPISTStanton had started to strut toward her in a way that was inappropriate for folks under the age of 17 and Vanessa supposed that it would be better to just run.
"Vanessaaaa!" he sang in a deep baritone voice as he chased her down the now rough and ridged roadway.
"Help!" she shrieked after her not-so-loyal admirers as they sprinted ten feet ahead of her.
"EEP!" she let out a piercing scream as she reached forward for a birdies tail and stumbled over her many frilly pink skirts. She moaned at the intense pain that was a small scratch on her arm and glanced back to see the EVIL RAPIST Stanton gaining on her. His blonde tresses lashed wildly in the night like golden serpents and his black, leathery attire was clashing with her backdrop of sparkling castles and rainbows.
"Muahahahahaha!" he gave a maliciously deep, deep laugh fit for any evil rapist.
Vanessa forgot her excruciatingly mind numbing pain and started to stand only to find that the material of her dress had caught in the hooks and ridges of the cracking gravel beneath her feet.
"Oh my!" Vanessa exclaimed in despair. Of course she could have relieved herself of the dress, but she wouldn't dare do such a thing to save her life. Literally.
"Muahahahahaha!" The laughter had become louder and the scent of AXE body wash filled her nostrils. Vanessa cringed at the thought of its terribly indecent commercials.
"Vanessa..." She jumped as one pale, spidery hand rested on her shoulder and felt his breath against her perfect rosy cheeks. Then in the most evil, rapist-like manner, he whispered... "I'm going to do..."
"PG rated things to you."
Vanessa's eyes shot wide open and she found that she was indeed not in Sugar Plum Fairy Land but Stanton was indeed present and he was rigid with anger.
"I AM NOT AN EVIL RAPIST! The devil is a lie!" he seethed. "AND IF I WANTED TO RAPE SOMEONE IT WOULDN'T BE YOU! I'D HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE FROM THE GLUCOSE LEVELS!" He shook her. "UNDERSTOOD?!"
Vanessa meeped and fainted promptly after.
"Not the best way to handle things, vato." Jimena leaned against Stanton's shoulder and dodged out of the way before he could bite her nose off.
"That's the third time today." Cassandra shook her head and long, silky black extensions swished about like a waterfall. She'd gone all out today and worn a long, flowing black dress with a high split, fishnet, lace, and tons of gothic appeal. "Like my outfit?" she bit her lip suggestively and leaned into to the EVI- Stanton.
"It's hideous." he replied without glancing her way and pulled the sleeve of his dark brown blazer up to look at his watch. "Where is that girl?" By that girl, he meant the last contestant. The object of his demise's best friend. The quiet lunatic. It had took him up until now to notice, but, they were already well into their day and she had yet to show up. They had planned to go to the candy shop, the movies, and finally The Rainforest Café. He sighed. If she didn't arrive soon, the other three were going to drive him insane. His expression grew pensieve. Had she been eaten by a whale perhaps?
"Mmmm." He was snapped out of his daze to see Jimena stuffing as many snicker bars as possible into that huge mouth of hers.
"M-ma'am?" A nervous girl of about thirteen in a sickeningly green uniform stuttered.
"Mmmmmmmmmm." Jimena munched on.
"Yumyumyum!" Jimena made cookie monster noises.
"Hey!" Stanton put a hand to the girl's shoulder. "Don't worry about her."
The girl nodded sheepishly and they stared at each other in an awkward moment.
"... I dig chicks with braces."
Then, before you could say "child molestation suit", the welcoming bells over the candy shop entrance began to ring and every male's attention turned to the door. Stanton tore his eyes away from brace face to see what all the hullabaloo was about and his jaw nearly fell to the concrete. There was... that girl. Only she wasn't dressed in her usual just-plain-weird attire. In fact, she wasn't dressed in much attire at all... Her snake patterned red leather micro mini was impossibly short and anyone could have easily mistaken it for underwear. Her torso and shoulders were completely bare, with the exception of something that looked a lot like a bra... only it was red and leathery. Her equally red and leathery three inch heeled sandals crept up her ankles where a black diamond anklet rested. She tossed back a few wisps of wild dark hair and strutted towards him, her scarlet lips fixed into a smirk.
"Slow mo!" He thought he heard Jimena whisper from his paralyzed state. Sure enough, the girl began to walk as if she'd stepped right out of a Paris Hilton Burger King commercial. But apparently slow motion isn't as easy as it looks with heels because she slipped and fell on her scantily clad ass.
Jimena slapped a hand to her forehead and Stanton leaned down, his arm outstretched. "You okay?"
The girl forced a smirk and lifted a small shiny package from beneath her heel. "Rogue snicker."
Jimena crossed her arms and tried to look innocent.
"Is everything going well, my dears?" They all glanced around to see a blonde woman with glasses and wavy blonde hair beaming at them. A certain glow seemed to radiate from her. However, Jimena and that slut on the floor didn't seem to think so. Was it just his imagination or had she sent a death glare at the latter? Before he could further contemplate it, the woman offered him a hot silver platter of chocolate chip cookies.
"Fresh from the oven, dearie!"
"Oh boy!" Stanton's eyes went Honeycombs wide as her devoured the platter whole... well not quite. He gagged and doubled over the ice cream section. Brace face turned almost as green as her uniform. When Stanton was finished relieving himself, he stood planted still horrified at the entire ordeal. Those cookies were shit!
He turned to the blonde. "Lady, your cookies are shit."
She looked as if she would strangle him for a few seconds before she blinked and asked, "Excuse me, dearie?"
"Shit." he responded. "Not to be mistaken for 'the shit' - shit." The girls started to drag him away. "And I mean that as a very derogatory term! And another thing!"
Jimena slammed a taffy apple into his mouth and he shut up. If he could say one thing for Jimena, she had good taste in food. He glanced back at the woman and used every fiber of his being not to shudder. For the glare she was currently giving him could make even the toughest members of the Cincti run away with their tail between their legs. Which could be useful! He started toward her. Perhaps he could seduce her. How old was she anyway? 20? 30? 60? Underaged perhaps?! He couldn't tell!
"Vato!" Jimena took him roughly by the arm. "You don't wanna go there."
Stanton rolled his eyes. "You are so not the boss of me."
But before they could go on with their pointless argument, that-girl-turned-super-slut put a finger to his lips.
"Shhhh." she whispered seductively against his cheek.
"Meep." He squeaked. "I mean! Um... hey... um... what was your name again?" he asked the million dollar question.
"Whatever you say it is." she breathed.
"So where to... Stanton?" Optimus Prime put her hands to her hips and gave him a sultry look.
"The movies." He told her with a smirk as he removed Vanessa from the store counter where she'd last fainted. It was the perfect opportunity to seduce Jimena and prove his manhood once and for all!
" Dashing and daring,
Courageous and caring,
Faithful and friendly,
With stories to share.
All through the forest,
They sing out in chorus,
As their song fills the air.
Bouncing here and there and everywhere!
High adventure that's beyond compare!
They are the Gummi Bears!"
Stanton sank deeper into his seat as Vanessa clapped wildly and sang along with the little, fuzzy wuzzy bears tumbling across the screen and fighting evil doers. Yaaaay.
"Oh, you guys!" Vanessa squealed two seats down from him. "Isn't this fun?!" She rambled on crazily and eyed Stanton. Well, his shoes. She never looked him in the eye anymore. "Makes you want to be nice, huh? Heeheehee! Makes you want to rethink your life choices? Heeheehee! Repent? Heehee?"
That being said, Vanessa spent the rest of her movie experience under her seat, reaching up only for popcorn. But not too much. A princess has to watch her weight, you know.
"You've just got to believe in yourself!" A great, big, fat bear fuck bellowed from the screen. Stanton was pissed. How was he supposed to get any seducing done in here?! Sure, he was seated next to Jimena, but Cassandra kept reaching over her for his popcorn and using it as an excuse to grope his nether regions. And as if that wasn't enough, the evil but sexy in red Megatron was constantly distracting him with her sluttacious ways.
"Stanton." she whispered in his ear, her fingers creeping up his shirt. "I really like you."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." He reluctantly brushed her off and turned to Jimena. "Hey Jimena." He hoped he sounded as smooth as when he'd rehearsed at home in his underwear.
"He rested his arm on the head of her seat and leaned into her. "I think we got off on the wrong foot."
"Oh, yeah?" She brought a heavy black heeled boot down on his toes. "¿Cómo es eso? How's that?"
"I love it when you're mad." he whined through clenched teeth.
"Sorry." She frowned and shifted her position. "Did you mean the other one?"
"Nononononono!" He put his hands up to stop her. "I mean..." He leaned back over, keeping his feet at a fair distance from her destructive boots. "Don't tell me you didn't feel something in that fitting room."
"Besides you trying to rape me? Uh... not really, vat-"
"You're a mother fucking lie! You started it, you little shit! I loa-"He glanced back to see Serena staring wildly at him and loosened his grip on Jimena's collar. "Loa-l-love you." The words were more painful to get out than those horrible chocolate chip cookies. "I love you, Jimena."
She seemed a bit taken back, but as usual, she recovered, her smile just vicious enough to match a tiger's on the prowl. "And you show it so well."
He felt the other girl tapping at his leg. "Not now, Megatron! Can't you see I'm busy?!"
She seemed confused enough to save him a few minutes of her loony antics.
"Now back to us."
"¿Arriba qué es usted a?" Jimena eyed him warily. " What are you up to?"
He let out a dry laugh. "The only reason you're here is to sabotage me and you have the nerve to ask me what I'm up to?"
"Look vato." She gave him a piercing glare. "The fitting room thing was just a joke, okay? I did it for the lulz."
"Eh... for fun."
"Okay." he muttered in a not so convinced tone before leaning in to whisper in her ear. "But who said I was talking about that?"
"Huh?" she suddenly looked nervous.
"I'm talking about something much bigger than a fraudulent rape charge." He smirked. "I'm talking... bigger than the moon if you catch my drift."
Jimena's eyes widened and his expression flooded with malice.
"You mean the time I taped 'I Like Butt Secks' to your back?"
"Ye- YOU DID WHAT?!"
"I know what you are!" he whispered fiercely. "I know that you're a goddess! A daughter of the moon!"
There was an awkward silence in which he blocked Cassandra's crotch grope with his handy dandy lighter. Finally Jimena blinked. "A what?"
He frowned. "Don't play stupid with me, Jimena. I know it. I canfeel it." Okay, so that was only half true.
Jimena gave him a long, hard stare under which he began to feel distinctly uncomfortable until she finally asked, "Why did you tell me?"
"Because," he reached out to run his fingers through a lock of her dark, curly hair. "I'm in l...l... Cut it out, Megatron!" he barked at the girl behind them but secretly thanked her for distracting him from what he had to do.
"What? Jimena asked.
"In love with you."
"For real." he added for emphasis.
He swallowed hard, not liking the disbelieving smirk working its way across her face.
He swallowed harder. What would he say to a goddess? A daughter of the moon if he were completely and madly in love with her?
"Is that what you wear to bed?"
She raised an eyebrow.
"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!" He banged his palm against his forehead.
"Hey!" She took him by the wrist. " I don't care if you're the son of el diablo himself. I'm sick of these bears. Let's go find a janitor's closet."
He blinked. "Okay." This was going to be easier than he thought.
"And lose the good boy act." Jimena scoffed. "I liked you better when you hated my guts."
"Really?!" Stanton's grin widened. "Because I actually can't fucking stand you!"
"Oh my God!" Jimena exclaimed. "I can't stand your ass either!"
"I hate you!" he beamed, leading her down the aisle.
"I hate you too!"
"Oh, stop!" he shoved her playfully.
And they skipped on out of the Gummi Bears: The Movie theater ignoring the protests of the other three.
That is until...
"And just what are you two doing?"
They turned around from their bittersweet disdain for one another to see a blonde usher standing there, watching their every move with loathing. "I suggest the two of you get back to your seats... dearies."
Jimena was the first to sneer. "Someone's busy today."
"What did you say to me, girl?"
"Nothin." She started to guide him back to his seat, but there was no way Stanton was going to let this ambiguously familiar person push him around! Plus he was horny.
"I'm not sitting down."
The woman smiled. It was almost frightening. "But you paid for this movie, dearie."
"What? This piece of shit?!" He contemplated demanding his money back.
"Stanton." Jimena growled. "Just. Sit. Down."
"Do you know who I am?! I murdered a clown the other day with my bare hands!"
Okay, maybe that was nothing to brag about.
"Sit. Down. Dearie." The woman gave him that glare. The one evil enough to scare off Cincti members. And speaking of which...
"Ma,am, would you consider-"
"ARF!" He started for his seat, but Jimena didn't follow. He gulped as she was dragged off to some dark, lonely corner where no one would hear her cries. He would always remember the strength of their hate. Sighing he slumped down in his seat. He would have to settle for Vanessa then...
"Not now, Pikachu. Can't you see Ash is busy?"
"That's it!" That caught his attention. He turned around to see one furious Pokemon.
"I dressed up for you!" she cried. "I tried to be sexy! Isn't this enough?!" She motioned to her body.
"Hmmm..." he stroked his chin in thought.
"What do you want me to do?!" she screeched, ignoring Vanessa's fervent "shush"s. "Fuck you right here and now?!"
"...That would be nice actually."
But Pikachu just threw her hands up in the air and fell back against her seat. "I hate men. You're all arrogant, chauvinistic, pigs!"
Stanton felt tears brimming his eyes. "Did you..." he leaned toward her. "Did you just refer to me... as a man? A real man?"
Serena was, needless to say, confused. "... yes."
He sniffled. "No one's... no one's ever done that before!" He wrapped his arms around her waist and sobbed deeply into her exposed chest.
"Y-you d-don't kn-know how much th-that means t-to meeeeeee!"
Dumbstruck, she patted gently at his head and watched as the bears all drank gummiberry juice to defeat the terrible minions of darkness... seriously.
The girls oohed and ahhed as they stepped into the colorful Rainforest Café with the exception of Jimena who expected way better dining than this. Plus she was still sore about her run in with the blonde woman and was in no mood to be reckoned with.
"Seymour?!" A woman called from behind a small wooden podium. The most sluttacious clad of the three groaned. "Seymour Butts?!"
A giggling Stanton prodded her and she stepped forward to claim their table.
Stanton smiled widely, proud that he could finally afford something above the price range of McDonald's.
"Oh, Stanton!" Cassandra crooned. "You're so rich and powerful."
"I know." He struck a noble pose. "And don't touch me."
He spun around. Who could it be? The Atrox perhaps? To observe his undeniable straightness? He wrapped an arm about Seymour's waist just in case. His eyes fell on the owner of the voice and he gasped in terror.
No! It couldn't be! It was his totally hot, but treacherous arch enemy from the past!
"It's Lambert, you bumbling idiot." The silver haired man shook his head. "Centuries later and you still can't get anything right."
"Heeheeheehee!" A young girl giggled from his side.
Vanessa squinted. "Catty? Is that you?"
Catty flipped her long brunette tresses over her shoulder. "Yeah, it's me." She winked. "Good thing you voted me off, Stanton." She smoothed down her long flowing midnight blue gown, making sure to accent every curve. "You could never afford anything like this."
"That because he's not a puta like you, chica." Jimena explained nonchalantly.
Catty snorted. "For your information, my Lamby paid for this."
Lambert grumbled. "I thought I told you not to call me that in public..."
"Anyway, Lamby," Stanton sneered. "As you can see, I'm enjoying a heterosexual meal with my three lovely contestants. Who are obviously women if the Atrox asks. So be nice for once and get the fuck out."
Lambert gave an evil Lambert chuckle. "I'm not like you Stanton. I don't have the time to torture my arch enemies just for the sake of torturing them. I'm here on business."
Stanton nearly choked on his bread. "Business?!" He turned to Seymour. "What day is it today?!"
"You don't show up for another five books!" Stanton covered his ears. "I'm not listening to you! I'm not listening to you! Lalalala!"
"Fine." Lambert sighed. "I suppose I'll just have to open up the old..." He reached into his awesomely kewl black cloak. "PHOTO ALBUM!" He cheesed.
Stanton stopped singing. "What?"
"This was Stanton when he was only three years old." Lambert poked fondly at a picture of a pudgy boy playing with what seemed to be little dolls made out of clay. "Wasn't he cuuuuuute?"
"I know!" Seymour gushed.
"Yeah. What happened, eh?"
"How is that even possible?!" Stanton reached for the book but Lambert snatched it away.
"This is him at five. Playing dress up in his mother's old clothes. And you'd be surprised what people did for make up back then. It took us months to get it all off..."
"And this is him and another invitus, Fido. They used to go off alone and-"
"ENOUGH!" Stanton snatched the photo album away and smacked Lambert upside the head with it. "What the hell is the matter with you?!"
"Will you listen?"
"Fine." Stanton grumbled. "You have one minute."
"Fine." He motioned to a guy standing near one of the Elimidate cameras. Stanton cocked an eyebrow. This guy looked vaguely familiar.
"Do I know you?"
Lambert blinked. "Stanton, this is Bob. The director of the show you've been starring on for the past week?"
Stanton wasn't sure if he was following this.
"The director of Elimidate!" Bob bellowed, tired of Stanton's thick head. "This show!"
"Ah..." Stanton remembered now! "And?"
"Well... we're thinking of taking the network in a whole different direction. Something new. Something fresh, you know?"
So we're doing..."
"Wait for it..."
Stanton waited for it.
"LAMB OF LOVE!"
Stanton blinked. "What?"
"We invite one guy- that's Lambert- onto a WHOLE NEW show where different girls compete for him!"
"So it's just like Elimidate."
"And a new girl is sent home like EVERY episode!"
"So it's just like Elimidate."
"Well... in LAMB OF LOVE..." Bob argued. "... It's in a house."
"... and chicks dig lambs..."
"... Okay, fine... Bob. But I still don't understand what this has to do with me."
"Well..." Bob scratched his head. "We're losing a lot of money to MTV and er... We're-Gonna-Have-To-Cancel-This-Show-Sorry-Please-Don't-Beat-Me-Up-Like-You-Did-Ronald-McDonald!" And with that, Bob cowered in a corner.
"What, Bob?!" Stanton threw a chair across the room because he saw it on The Boondocks and thought it would be cool to try. "You can't cancel my show! I'm the hottest thing on television!"
"You're gay, Stanton." Lambert explained calmly. "The public isn't stupid. Everyone knows. Why else would you refuse Catty?"
Catty shot an I-toldja-so smirk at Stanton.
"I am not!" He turned to the cowering Bob. "Just put me in a house!"
"Oh my Gawd, Stanton!" Vanessa gasped. "You're a gay and a rapist?!" Her eyes began to water.
"No! Look Bob!" He pulled the man up by his designer shirt collar. "I'mway better than Lambert! I mean... he's OLD!"
Lambert laughed. "The older the wiser."
"Well, I'm the Prince of Night!"
"I'm leader of a rebellion. Chicks dig that!"
"I know I do!" Catty agreed.
"Blondes have more fun!"
"Every cloud has a silver lining!"
"I have my own book!"
"Not yet you don't!"
"I can juggle!" Stanton started juggling plates.
"I can touch my tongue to my nose!"
"I can cross my eyes!"
"Anyone can, you dolt!"
"I can blast objects in a 500 mile radius!"
"I can blast objects in a 1000 mile radius!"
"I can speak Espanol!"
"I can speak Francais, Deustch, Y Espanol!"
"I can booty hop!"
"I can crank dat souljah boy!"
Stanton gulped. He did have him there. He uncrossed his eyes, stopped juggling, booty hopping, and singing the Spanish number song.
"Well, Stanton." Lambert grinned as he "supermaned that ho". "Looks like I win... again."
Stanton fell, defeated as Lambert and Catty disappeared into a black vortex, dragging Bob with them. No one seemed to notice much. I mean, do they ever?
"Does this mean we can go home now?" A bored Jimena asked, carrying a certain fainting prone blonde.
"No!" He spun around. He couldn't lose to Lambert. What would the Atrox think?! Besides, he really hated that guy...
He had to find some way to get his show back. But how?
Okay. Craziness. Complete OOCness. I'm such a crack baby sometimes.
If a word does not exist, 9 times out of 10, I know that. I got sluttacious from Monique's Charm School on VH1. You'll also notice my many pop culture references. I don't know what possessed me... Sorry. But this was fun.
READ AND REVIEW! Criticism is always welcome and so are suggestions!