A/N: I have to give credit to Eva Kasumi. She got me started on this pair, and in actuality, it was her brilliant ficlet that prompted me to write this one. Consider it a spin off of hers. Same characters, different situation. I'm probably going to do a lot more funny things with them two. They're just so cute.
It's my first FFVII fic as I got started on it kind of late :shamed look:.
Review...? I heart reviews!
Disclaimer: Yea, okay, I don't own Reno. Or Cloud. Or Elena.
"I still don't get it."
"That would be because we're men, Chocobo-boy; we're not supposed to."
"Even if I was a girl I wouldn't get it, Red. Maybe I should ask Tifa or something."
"Shut up and pick one." Reno held up two cardboard boxes in his hands, smoothly balancing one on each. "Kotex or Playtex?"
Cloud shrugged, still visibly uncomfortable with where the two were currently standing. "Playtex."
"Knew you would say that, Chocobo." Replacing the yellow box on the shelf, Reno picked up another one. "Cardboard or plastic applicator?"
"Tell me what an applicator is first, Red." Cloud said, crossing his arms and looking down the aisle of shampoo to make sure no one was coming. Reno shrugged, glanced at the pictures on the boxes, and shrugged again.
"Beats me. Pick one, yo."
"Ahh… plastic." The blonde boy replied, the fluorescent lights humming to create a lull in the almost empty drug store. Again, Reno replaced the box labeled 'cardboard' and, browsing the shelves with a thoughtful look on his face as he would when he shopped for guns, picked up three others. "You get four choices this time, lucky boy. Light, Regular, Super, or Ultra?"
Cloud arched his brow. "I don't know, you pick. I give up."
Reno stacked the four boxes on top of each other, completely hiding his head and torso from view. His voice was slightly muffled as he replied, completely chagrined, "Stop making this so hard, yo. You pick, I pay."
Cloud sulked as he eyed the four boxes, which looked completely the same save the lettering stenciled on them. "If you make me pick this one, I'll probably get her the complete opposite of what she wants and she'll kill me. She hates me already. You pick, Red."
Reno's head poked out from the side as he glared at Cloud. "I think you forget that we're shopping for Elena, here. The right thing to get her would be a tampon with a stainless steel applicator that shoots .22 caliber bullets out of the tip and can self-destruct after she uses it." His lips curled up into that familiar self-satisfied smirk of his. "Besides, I have no idea. This way, I can blame you for all of it."
Cloud glared back at Reno. "And that's going to affect her impression of me… how?"
"You said she hates you already, anyway. Now pick before she gets mad and stomps in here to kill us with a bloody behind, Chocobo-boy." Reno said with a bit too much cheer.
"Hell no. You can't make me." Cloud said defiantly, turning on his heel to march away.
"No sex!" Reno called after him, his voice definitely ringing too loudly for anyone's liking. Cloud stopped, turning on his heel to make the linoleum floor squeak.
"Playtex plastic, super absorbency it is," Reno concluded jovially, selecting the box on the bottom to let the others tumble to the ground. Grabbing two other super absorbency boxes, he grabbed Cloud's arm and sauntered to the front, the blonde visibly peeved at the type of effective blackmail.
Ignoring the stares they got from the females that were in the store—whether it be from their looks or the items in their hand—Reno marched to the front and plunked the boxes down on the first checkout counter he spotted. The cashier looked at them, smiled charmingly, looked at their items, did a double take, and peered at them.
"For a girlfriend, right?" She asked over her horn-rimmed glasses, handling the boxes delicately. She looked as though she wasn't sure whose girlfriend had asked the favor, and why there had to be two males to handle the situation. Reno grinned easily, gesturing in Cloud's general direction. "Nah, babe, he just gets frequent nosebleeds and I thought those would help."
As Cloud scowled, the cashier's eyebrows disappeared into her bangs, and after a moment, she laughed nervously. "Well, for super absorbency, he's got to have a pretty bad nosebleed."
"Of course, babe, who do you think he looks at most of the time?" Reno asked, pointing at himself. The cashier's laugh increased in volume. Ringing up their items, she agreed, "I'd get nosebleeds looking at either one of you. Well, good luck with that," She said, handing Reno the plastic bag who winked at her, sported a "Later, yo" and marched out of the store, dragging a rather disgruntled Cloud behind him.
Back in the car, Cloud silently started the car as Reno smoothly slid into the passenger seat, turning around to hand Elena the box. She glanced into the box, looked up, and sighed exasperatedly. "This is all wrong. I only use Tampax, and I need Ultra!"
Reno and Cloud, temporarily forgetting his irritation, looked at each other. Reno tilted his seat back as Cloud gave Elena the receipt. "It was all Cloud, Laney."
Elena gave them both a tight-lipped glower and marched back into the store, slamming the car door. Reno checked to make sure there wasn't a bloodstain on their leather seats.
Cloud merely looked downcast again, so Reno slapped a hand on his leg, leaning forward so his face was inches from Cloud's. "Well, hey Chocobo, at least you get sex."