The Secret Lives of Men: Their Secrets Uncovered!

By: Koko-Chan

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Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket. And the title was from Rider's Digest, which also, sadly, isn't mine… I own issues, though…

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Author's Note(s): The characters are all supposed to be OOC. That's the point! And it's supposed to be sloppy! I'm not that stupid!

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Mission One: Yuki

Target: Shigure Sohma's House

Time: 5:37 a.m.

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He prowls. He sniffs.

Hm? Something's not right!

He looks. He observes the kitchen.

No! NOTHING IS THERE!

He curses. He walks away. He walks into…

The living room of death!

It reeks. He reeks.

Dammit! Where was that brat?

Wait! What was her name?

Tohru? Tokku? To-something?

Ah yes! Tofu!

He frowns. He scowls. Where was the woman?

He sneers. He jeers.

Probably doing some girly stuff, like polishing nails!

He looks away and keeps on walking. He grabs a football. He trips. He shoots!

He's not going to make it! He's not! He's not going to—

HE SCORES!

He dances.

Wait! What was that noise?

FOOTSTEPS! AHH!

Even worse: FOOTSTEPS ON THE STAIRS! AHHH!

No, it's just that brat, Tofu.

"Hi, Tofu!" he says to her.

"What?" she asks, very confused.

"Er, I mean," he mumbled. "Hi, er…"

"Tohru!"

"Oh yes! Tofu!"

"No, Tohru!"

"Your name is Tofu," he snapped. "Now deal with it!"

"Um…" she says, unsure of herself. "Okay, Yuki-kun…"

"No!" he shouts. "My name is Yuuki! Not Yuki!"

"Um," she mumbles. "I don't hear the difference, Yuki-kun…"

"One is spelled with two u's, the other with one. Now call me the one with two u's! NOW!"

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Coming Up: Kyou being a total pain in da butt. Literary.