I Miss You
As I lay in my bed, I let my friend, the quiet darkness, kindly surround me and try to attempt to soothe my pain. Sighing deeply, I look around to see the shadows of the old room I spent most of my childhood days in. Everything was covered in several layers of dust. My loyal companions, the spiders, were still hanging from their old webs that were still amazingly attached to the ceiling and walls. It wasn't as grand as my dormitory at Hogwarts, but it was enough…it was home.
Suddenly, the screams and shouts of rage filtered through the walls and into my ears. Scowling profoundly, I cursed my so-called parents for unexpectedly bring back all the horrid images of my childhood. Life in the Snape household was and always will be far from picture perfect, but then again all my life I have never associated the word 'family' with any another other words but suffering, anger, cruelty…hatred… If only there was some way to live happily… what would that feel like? At that thought, if it was even possible, the pain I was feeling abruptly cut deeper into my already bleeding heart.
The sudden image of Lily Evans had flashed in my mind. She is indeed the angel that haunts my nightmares; there was no other way to illustrate her. She was the lease likely person for me to fall in love with; and I swear, that girl will be the death of me…
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
I recalled the night she first found out my love for her. Dumbledore had assigned us to patrol the corridors of the dungeons together since her usual partner, James, had detention. That night, since we were alone, I could not bring myself to make any snide remarks towards her, and in the absent of them she became very suspicious. We walked silently until it seemed to drive her crazy, and unexpectedly she spoke:
"Snape, Is there something wrong?"
I shot her an inquisitive look, yet consciously trying to keep my face still menacing.
She continued speaking carefully, "Well, I expected you to murder me and leave me in an empty classroom to die," she smiled to herself. "But, well…you haven't made one nasty comment all night—"
A distant smile crept onto my face and I looked down at her again, "Would you like me to?" I'm sure I looked sinister.
"No, it's quite nice actually." She smirked a little, but then it vanished. "I was just wondering what was up with you, that's all."
'Quite nice…' I thought, but didn't respond.
A few noiseless moments passed until she spoke again, "So, I guess you won't be telling me?"
I forced a laugh, "Why should I, Evans?"
"Well," She seemed to be searching her mind for some kind of answer, "We are stuck with each other till one o'clock, and it's around ten now. So, might as well just come out with it. You never know…I might be able to help you."
I closed my eyes and shook my head. 'Lo, the irony…'
She stopped walking and crossed her arms, "Snape, you're frustrating me now." Her voice echoed off the dark dungeon walls and down the hall. "Why won't you just tell me?"
"Why do you desire to know?" I made sure she could hear the annoyance in my tone as well, and continued walking.
"'Cause you never know! I-I might care!" her voice again ricocheted in the long narrow hall.
At last I stopped, but did not turn to face her several paces away. I could not help but think that she only sought a bit of good gossip, but like a fool I yielded to her bait. Gently yet audible, I answered her, "Why must you be so curious, Lily?"
She didn't reply, so I turned to face her. Her arms were still crossed, but her expression was soft no longer stern.
"Do you truly wish to know--?" I could hear the edge in my own voice as I took a few steps closer to her.
I saw the flash fear hidden behind the courage in her emerald eyes. "Yes," she whispered.
"Fine," I spoke tenderly as I continued slowly stepping ever closer to her, "—for many years, Lily, I have been observing you. Always wondering why you ever tried to stand up to your fellow Gryffindors for me. But, I always in the end I found myself thanking you mentally." I was drawing closer to her, "At times, I found I had to admonish myself for admiring you and your relentless courage. And, so then I would insult you to show how I could possibly have no feelings for you and any of your petty tries to help others."
There was one step left between us. I could see the fear almost clearly in her eyes now as she looked up at me. Afraid I was scaring her, I spoke even softer, "In truth Lily, there is no way that I could fight this feeling any longer."
I had evidently left her speechless. Never had I opened my heart so deeply to any one person, and I suddenly realized my fault. 'Why have I just so visibly revealed my affections to her?' I felt weak and vulnerable, far from what I was akin to. 'Curse her enticing nature—!' But, in the mist of all my emotions, I could not help but think one thing: what indeed, will her reaction be? At the notion I felt if it even possible more exposed, and averted my attention away from my own thoughts and back to her.
Still she did not speak, but wore the same almost timid expression.
Then, abruptly, a sound of something crashing and a distant cackling filled the air. Promptly, we turned our heads down the corridor behind me from whence the noise came. Knowing we should run to seek what had occurred, my heart thought otherwise and seized the opportunity not to let the moment I had waited for so long fade.
Grabbing her hand, I swiftly pulled her. I placed her on the wall, so her shoulder touched one of the many stone pillars that lined the dark dungeon's corridors. Her back against the cold stone, I placed myself in front of her merely centimeters away from her body.
"Lily, this may be the only time we will be alone together," I whispered nearly furiously, " you wanted to know, so pay attention to me—"
She looked even more startled as I looked down at her now; I felt once more like the villain I never meant to be, and so I began to speak gently again, "I never wanted to be this way, Lily. All I wanted was to be happy…to be loved for once in my life—" I reached my hand up slowly to tuck her fiery red hair behind her ear, for it was covering her fearful yet stunning eyes. As I let my hand down, I traced her jaw line with my fingers soothingly.
She flinched turning her head away.
Keeping my hurt hidden, I whispered, "Lily, you've never known how much love I carry for you. Everyday I longed for you to know…to understand me." I leaned in closer to her, "I have never meant anything I've done to you. I never meant to hurt you, ever. Please, understand me, Lily." I raised her lowered head up to mine to lightly caress her lips with my own.
Instinctively I moved my other hand behind her neck and under her hair. I ran my tongue across her already moistened lips begging her to let me kiss her further. She moaned with concealed pleasure as she opened her mouth. She was so warm, and I was so cold.
The moment floated in time for endless seconds as I kissed her, until she pulled away from me. Craving for more, I resisted knowing it would be improper.
Her voice sounded distant as she uttered the one single word that would ruin the passion filled moment that I always wanted to share with her, "James—"
Feeling the great rage coursing through my veins, I closed my eyes tightly trying to suppress it. Having to let some kind of emotion show, I rammed my fist onto the cold stone wall next to her head in a wave of fury. Feeling her flinch yet again, I then felt somewhat regretful for doing so.
I spoke, but I could not help the sharpness of my tongue, "Forget Potter, I love you more than he ever will—"
She, for the first time that night on her own accord, raised her head to look me directly in the eyes. I could see the fright was no longer among them, but grief and remorse now swam deeply in her jade stare.
'Why does she abruptly appear to be so miserable?' My rage was suddenly drenched with a flood of sorrow as I myself realized the horror of the situation.
"You haven't—" my voice seemed to split, "You haven't promised yourself to him…tell me you haven't—"
Tears unexpectedly exploded from her eyes finding their way down her cheeks still pale with distress I had caused her moments ago. "Snape, if only you would have told me this a week ago!"
I could not bring myself to say anything more, for the shock in my heart was overwhelming. 'This can't be, she shows as much loath for Potter than I in public—how did this happen?'
She continued to weep. "Things—things could have been different!" Seeking some form of comfort, she reached out to me with a shaky hand as if to rest it on my chest, but I stepped away from her. She let out a diminutive gasp as a streak of hurt and uncertainty flashed in her watery emerald eyes. She stared up at me.
'I cannot touch her. For to touch her would be to love her, and I cannot love her…she is Potter's.' I could not attempt to console her, for I was feeling such an unbearable ache within myself; it seemed as if my own already battered and withering heart was now enduring its last thrashing before it started crumbling into nothing but blackened dust… I knew it was a long grueling process, and it assured me I would not be able to love another in this time.
"Severus—" She said breathlessly. The sound of her enchanting yet mournful voice using my given name gave me a sensational chill. It awoke me back from my own sadness.
As gazed at her, I realized just how much I was hurting her after I promised minutes ago I never meant any harm I had ever caused her. Stepping back closer to her, I took her tear-stained face in my hands.
"Lily," I whispered wiping her tears away with my thumbs. I leaned down and kissed her dampened cheeks where they had fallen, "Lily, run away with me. Come with me, we can have each other to live for. We haven't begun yet, but I do not wish to end this way with Potter in between us. We can live together, Lily, any way you choose. If we start, you'll wish it will never end…I promise, I won't hurt you—"
I knew I must have moved her for she looked at me with such warmth in her eyes I could feel heat. But once more it vanished, and was replaced with bitter sorrow.
"Severus," she spoke placing her hands around my own still holding her fair face, "I c-can't, I have already promised h-him—I-I wish I hadn't n-now…" Her eyes glistened with tears yet again.
Seeing her on the threshold of crying again, I was unable to contain my hunger for her any longer. I leaned into her closing my mouth over hers again in attempt to soothe her. She instantly melted underneath me kissing me back in everyway with equal desire.
I had never experienced so much bliss in my existence, and I knew she felt the same. But, apparently recognizing what she was doing, she hurriedly pulled back from my embrace and ending the kiss I knew she needed so greatly to feel. And, with one last tearful gaze, she set off down back the corridor in a sprint with her hands covering her face.
My throat tightened as I watched her dart away from me, and I felt tears of my own prickle in the corners of my eyes. I knew I should run after her; everything told me to hurl myself down the corridor…to throw myself at her, but I could not move. I stared at her till she turned the corner at the end of the corridor, and then she was gone.
Placing my back to that wall, I leaned my head back trying to suppress my own tears. My heart throbbed uncontrollably. My throat constricted even tighter. I could not breathe properly, and with much effort the corridor still slowly became burrier and blurrier.
I licked my lips, and found the taste of her still there. Unable to seize my tears any longer, I let them flow down my cheeks. My legs weakened causing my back to slide down the wall to sit me on the rigid wet stone floor. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I buried my face into them willing the agony to end. I leaned onto the pillar, the one I had just placed her next to moments ago, for support. How long I sat there, I do not know…
And so now here I lay, a pathetic seventeen-year-old man in my childhood room filled with dust. Or should I still say a foolish selfish seventeen-year-old child? Every time I surface the horrifying memory, and think of my idiotic pleadings for her love, I cringe at my foolhardiness. Even though it was only last winter.
'Lily, run away with me. Come with me, we can have each other to live for. We haven't begun yet, but I do not wish to end this way with Potter in between us. We can live together, Lily, any way you choose. If we start, you'll wish it will never end…'
My words I can still hear ringing loudly, taunting me in my own head. Some how I already knew that she was with Potter. My intellect told me she was, but my heart refused to hear it. So I supplicated for her love anyway, making an absolute imploring fool of myself…!
Just thinking of how I opened myself up so easily to a lowly Gryffindor causes me to bubble over with fury. How could I be so thick…?
We can live like Jack and Sally If we want
Where you can always finds me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends
I could feel my anger, crimson and blazing, as it pulsed though my veins. The more I thought of her, the more my rage sought me to take some drastic action. Closing my eyes tightly, I breathed heavily…for I knew I must subside my anger. Moments passed, and slowly it was ebbing away, until finally it left me as nothing but a weary adolescent lying in the dark dust.
Numbness flooded my body, and soon I could feel hurt again settling in deep in my chest as if crushing me into my own bed. Thinking of her beauty once again, I could not help but question myself: '…where are you, Lily?' Is not love supposed to be the one thing that redeems an individual? I could not comprehend. Why must I feel such feelings for her? Or perhaps, she was not a love for me to begin with. The thought haunts me.
I'm regretful I positioned her though the whole ordeal for my selfishness, yet I am even more remorseful for myself. I feel the self-centeredness of my actions crawling on me like a disease, but am I wrong to seek what all humans do in their lives? I have never known real understanding…real love.
Blinking, the room became unclear. Somehow, I know I will not sleep without great difficulty tonight. I will dream of nothing but darkness, my demons, and sorrow as I always have for all time.
Where are you?
And I'm so sorry.
I cannot sleep,
I cannot dream tonight.
I need somebody and always,
I need to stop these thoughts, for I know thinking of her will never change what happened. Sitting up, the room became blurrier, and I shook my head to fling the fresh tears forming. I cast my eyes around the dark dusty room, looking for something else to ponder on.
My room resounds eerie silence, as if suspended in some sick strange darkness. Yet, this darkness is more than the absence of light. No, it is as if it mimics my very own withered heart, creeping yet silently pulsing in my ears. Why can't I stop thinking of her? Why must she haunt me? I could see the room in the strange darkness becoming unclear again.
Hopelessly wishing for anything to else to brood over, I look up to stare at the ceiling. The spiders, my friends, are still hanging there over me. I count their many webs, and find fourteen of them. Some even have cleverly caught some of the flies that infest this room, and a distant smile lightens my face.
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on
So haunting every time.
And as I stared, I counted
The webs from all the spiders,
Catching things and eating their insides.
I gaze back around my gloomy bedroom through the darkness. 'Maybe I should call to you, Lily…if I could only run away from this house of misery to find you. Maybe, if I tired again—would you love me then, Lily?' How I long to hear her melodic voice once more. Maybe, even her voice calling to me a betrayal of Potter. I can feel my anger sear in my chest once more at the thought of his name; if I only had the courage to declare to you first my love. The notion disturbs me. Is it true timing is everything in life? I wish you were here with me, that you came home with me instead of him. You could stop this ache…I know you would…
Like indecision to call you,
And hear your voice of treason.
Will you come home,
And stop this pain tonight.
Stop this pain tonight…
The whole circumstance was a bit out of character of me to begin with. Perhaps it was just the situation: her gnawing curiosity mixed with her nerve to stand up to me, and my willingness to tell and have her finally know the truth. I could have run after her, but I, a Slytherin, knew that I was no match against the loyalty bonds between two Gryffindors.
Yet, the moment I had kissed her, it felt as if all the dreams of her becoming mine were finally happening. When she recoiled, they had vanished again like a spark—far away into the corners of my mind they receded. But then again, doesn't always need that way? I have never known real love—never does the one that truly needs love receives it. Maybe I was asking for too much; perhaps I am not worthy of such love.
I miss her. Maybe if she knew my past she would understand; or possibly wanting someone to understand is asking too much. There must be some reason that I was made to walk alone…some reason…
Don't waste your time on me,
Your already the voice inside my head.I miss you…