Prime reason right here of why I shouldn't write when I'm stressing about school....
Don't own Digimon, don't own Izzy, wish I didn't own his problems...
I hate you.
Oh, don't act so shocked about it, you knew it was true. Even if you do try to deny it, you know that deep, deep down in that one place inside yourself that you won't let anyone else touch that I'm right. I hate you. It's all very simple, really.
You've got that dippy computer slung over your back again today, I see. You can't go anywhere without it, can you? It's your security blanket to the world, your protection against interacting like a real person with real people.
Heaven forbid you actually leave the piece of junk at home for once. A state of the art, pineapple laptop that can connect you to anything, right? What a joke. It can download hordes of information, it can help you solve any riddle you come across, and it helps you break the proverbial ice.
It's your fucking crutch.
Only you don't want anyone to know that, do you? The genius, the kid who skipped two grades, the one who's going to be valedictorian and already has a full ride scholarship to college. What would people say if they knew? Knew that speaking to them terrified the shit out of you?
Are you going to take that laptop with you when you make your speech at graduation? How are you going to rely on it then, in front of thousands of people? No. You can't take it with you, can you, and that scares you senseless, doesn't it? You're going to have to walk up those steps to the podium, you're going to have to stare out at the packed stadium bleachers and at all your classmates in their red robes, and you're going to have to do it all unprotected. They're all going to be seeing just you then, and you alone.
Scares you, doesn't it? The thought that all those eyes are going to look out at the same time and see the real Izumi for once. And they're going to reach the same conclusion that you've already come to yourself. Not anything real special there...just a short brat with red hair.
What are your parents going to say to everyone this time when you screw up? What is it that they always say when you babble or clam up at just the right inappropriate moment? Ah. "He's just shy." It irritates you when they say that, doesn't it? As if being shy could possibly excuse the way you act.
Maybe they're already on to you as well. Shy. You could describe it that way...if you wanted to sugar coat it. But really. Why tease yourself that way?
Shy. It's just another word for terror in your vocabulary. God, you really are a coward. And a whiny one at that. Do you honestly think Matt and Tai have this problem? Please. Get real. You can't stand to be the center of everyone's attention. You can't handle the fact that all those people will expect things from you. Izumi, valedictorian and child prodigy. They're gonna want an intelligent response, a thoughtful comment. A miniature adult. They want...expect, really...perfection from you. And you just can't give them that, can you?
That's really the issue here, isn't it? Pressure. The kind that's building up in your chest right now as you think of having to make that speech at graduation. It feels like someone's pushing hard on your sternum, trying to make it cave in and crush the organs inside that are humming and exchanging places with suppressed tension.
What are they gonna think when the words won't come out of your mouth except in stunted, wobbly imitations of the real sound? How are you gonna hide your hands then, as they shake so hard that you can't read the typed words you so industriously put on note cards?
It's going to be a disaster and you know it.
So the universe has played a huge nasty joke on you. The child computer genius, the kid with so much promise and such a bright future ahead of him...but he can't look a stranger, a peer, a teacher, an employer in the eye and say more than a handful of barely coherent sentences. A cosmic trick on Izumi...everyone thinks you're so smart, so confident, and the truth is that you're weak, and all the intelligence in the world is going to change that.
So the smarts are all up there in your head, and occasionally you put them down on paper, although more often it goes into your laptop. But you know the world's gonna expect more than that. They want you to be able to verbalize it all. They want someone who can take their intelligence and wield it with the authority of a leader.
But you're never going to be that leader, now are you? The world's only so big, and not everyone gets to be the leader. Someone has to follow. Just look at the problems Matt and Tai always had over that issue.
But you're still supposed to be such a bright kid. You're supposed to at least be able to explain what you know without tripping over your own tongue or confusing the people you're explaining things to. You're never going to be effective at anything if no one ever understands you.
Where were you when everyone was learning to cope with the easy stuff? Did you just miss that class? C'mon, what self-respecting person detests calling other people on the phone and avoids it at all costs? Who in their right mind hates going out to restaurants because there will be crowds of people there? What person feels uncomfortable just ordering a hamburger from the drive through window at McDonald's? It's beyond pathetic. It's just down right ridiculous.
You can wish to be a hermit on some remote hilltop all you want, but you know that's unrealistic. There isn't a choice here. You have to be a part of society. There isn't a way to function otherwise.
Besides that, people are depending on you. Oh yeah, Joe feels that sort of thing more, but you still have your own expectations to live up to. You're supposed to be the next Bill Gates, remember? Wildly successful with oodles of money. Can't do that if just the thought of going to an interview for a job at the library makes you break out in a sweat and start stammering.
Makes you think, doesn't it? Maybe all those people were wrong about you from the start. Maybe you aren't as smart as everyone thinks you are. You sure don't feel smart. Who would? A genius wouldn't have problems calling up their family doctor to make an appointment.
Yeah God, the universe, and everyone really fucked you over from the start didn't they? But really, blaming them would only be an immature cop-out. It's your own damn fault that you can't cope with this, isn't it.
It wasn't always like this. You used to be able to at least manage somewhat normally in social situations. You used to be able to keep the flutter in your stomach from blowing out of proportion into a panic attack. So what went wrong?
You're just not trying hard enough.
Don't be so weak. Just suck it all in and quit whining. No one cares, and no one understands. Just shut up and quit feeling so damn sorry for yourself. Self pity won't get anything accomplished and it hasn't helped you yet.
It's exhausting enough as it is though, just screwing up the nerve and the courage to confront any situation. It's like being around other people just sucks all the energy and life right out of you. All those minutes where you sit, with every muscle tensed and the blood pounding through your ears as your skin alternates between lava hot and arctic cold, just leaves you feeling limp and lifeless at the end. And you honestly think you'll have anything left in you after graduation to party? Please. Even if you were into that kind of thing, which let me remind you: you aren't, you're going to be too tired to do much more than stumble into your own bed.
And no one else gets that, do they? So maybe you're just imagining it. Seriously, a fear of talking to people? You have to be joking. Shyness to the point where you can't even live your own life? No one's going to buy that. Not even you.
You're just being lazy. Get up off your ass and work harder. Try harder. Quit being so damn weak and just screw up your courage. Get pointers from Tai if you absolutely have to. Just quit mulling over it.
Cope. Everyone else does...
But you can't, can you? Worthless. It's sad. Just pitiful.
"Izzy are you ready? Sheesh. How long can one guy stand in front of the mirror? You look perfect already. We're going to be late to our own graduation!"
"I'll be there in a minute, Tai. Just keep your hat on."
I hate you.