Chapter 30 – Care to Join me?
Run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me you stupid crab man. I'm still all icked out by those scuttling buffoons…what kinda crazy jokes were those demons? I mean, they seem liked something cooked straight outta a wacked out comic book, the kind I used to read when I was just a little Bostonian with no money and too much time on my hands.
Me and B are hightailing it back to Spike's crypt, that vamp is going to have a little piece of Hell coming his way if there's not some good explanation for this. Did he really set B and I up to get pummeled by some spidery creepsters from planet Ewww? And Davie…I gotta stop worrying, she's a Slayer, she can take on one measly vamp, even if he is William the Bloody. My god the way they were looking at each other, all googly eyed. What is Davie thinking? She's an Amazon of a slayer, she can do much better than our pal Bleach Boy…gosh this is a longer run than I remember.
"B, how're ya holding up?" I pant out to her. "You took a few good hits from those nasties back there." Worry is evident in my voice, even with all the heavy breathing. Can't let anything happen to my one and only.
"I'm alright I think, Big Uglies did a number on my head. But I can take it. Besides, a good throbbin' is alright once in awhile, lets you know you're still here." B slows alongside me as we make it up to the crypt door.
"Ready B?" I ask tentatively. I'm not sure what I'm more worried to find, Davie dead, or Davie boinking the dead.
"As ready as I'll ever be, F," B responds without skipping a beat, although I can feel the worry emanating off her. With those words, B swings the door of the crypt open without knocking, though I'm kinda wishing she did.
With a loud bang, the stone door to Spike's "home" bursts open. I'm pretty sure I would choose blindness over this sight anyday. No exaggeration. My eyes instantly blink shut, tight. I hear Faith groan, gasp, and yelp all at the same time.
A full fifteen seconds pass before either of us is willing to make a sound.
"What the hell?" Faith finally bellows. And what the hell indeed.
Spike on the floor, looking at us with a shamed puppy look in his eyes, as if we just caught him taking a wee on our new carpet in the corner of the room. Spike on the floor, in a full on handstand mixed with a spread eagle, arms straining from his weight, veins on his forehead bulging from the pressure. Spike, legs splayed wide open, naked as the day he was born.
"B, B please take me back to the crab people," Faith pleads. "Take me back to the crab people and let them pluck my eyes out. Then bring me back." At this point, I'm ready to do anything to just get out of here. This is ultimately the most awkward thing that has ever, ever happened to me, and that's including the time I threw a cheerleader across the gym when some witch put the super spell of all spells on me. And the time when I went all cave Buffy on Sunnydale. And the time when…Faith's hand on my arm shakes me out of my reverie.
"B," she whispers. "B, please please make it go away." Faith continues to plead, jutting her jaw out. I take a quick glance back at Spike, the shock of us catching him in his strange act wearing off. His arms shake and he tumbles to the floor in a heap of vampiric nakedness.
"I'm jus' goin' to…oh bloody hell." Spike throws his arms up in desperation. "Wha' the hell do ya wan' me t' tell you wankers? I was jus' doin' my yoga…yes William the Bloody does yoga…in the nude! I was in the comfort of my own crypt…an' you two come bargin' on in 'ere…" The bleached vampire darts over to the corner of his room where he peels the shirt lying on the ground from its spot and puts it on hurriedly.
My mouth and vocal chords finally remember what they were made for and I am able to talk again. "Yoga? Yoga?! Faith and I were just battling crabs in a park! Nasty crawly crabs in the same park that YOU sent us to. Explanation? Now?"
Faith sets her eyes and mouth in picturesque grim determination. "Yeah! And those were some scary ass mother fu—"
I elbow Faith before she finishes her statement. Spike was just about to open his undead mouth and tell us what in the Hell just went down.
"Well," he begins. "I honestly thought tha' you two were supposed t' go there. Seems Aldinach the Asshole planted some information in me head when he went on his little acid trip body-stealing campaign. Sorry 'bout that."
Spike looked so authentically apologetic that I felt like I could actually believe him. I look over at Faith and I can tell she's feeling the same thing. She let's out a barely audible sigh, a sigh that I am sure she was holding in in case she had to kick Spike's vampire butt back to tomorrow.
Faith clears her voice. "So then Spikey boy, where's Davie? Last I saw her she looked like she was going to boink the unliving hell out of you. What happen? She take one look at your jingle balls and run, laughing all the way?"
I snort at Faith's blatantly demeaning comment. She really isn't fond of him.
Spike feigned a hurt gasp. "Actually, our little Aussie slay-gal got one o' those visions of hers and bolted. Said somethin' 'bout an evil slayer, which in my opinion really could be any o' you lot. Bunch o' bloody wankers if you ask me."
"If we wanted your opinion Spike, well we…we just don't want your opinion." I stutter out. Evil slayer. Great. "C'mon Faith we better get back to the house. Davie's probably there."
"Sure thing B. I don't think I can I can stand half naked ugliness anymore."
Within fifteen minutes were home, the trip taking a little longer than I would have liked. My head is throbbing pretty badly, and Faith is cradling her hand closer to her body.
"You ok babe?" I ask her.
"Fine and dandy. Just wanna get home and stick a ruler down this thing," Faith responds, referencing her cast.
"Your wrist getting down with the itchy?" I ask, Faith sticks out her lower lip and nods her head. "Aww my poor little Slayer. We better get you home fast before the itch monster does away with your beautiful arm. How in the world would we get down and nasty without it?"
Faith's head shoots up, a big grin on her face. "Aww B I love it when you talk dirty. So dirty that we need to take a nice bath when we get home."
"Mmm you're going to look so damn sexy with a plastic bag sealed around your cast. So so sexy," I state as I open the door to our humble abode.
"Sexy eh? Like a little sexy dance?" Faith asks and jiggles her hips a little, then grimaces a little in pain. "Ok ok maybe no sexy dance, but maybe just a little sexy—"
"EW! Can you guys please stop talking now!" Dawn screams from her perch on the living room couch. "I mean c'mon guys…first of all we have a guest!" Dawnie points to Davie sitting safe and sound on the armchair across from her. "And second of all, back to the original statement of 'EW!' Can't you guys just quit the 'me so horny' bit for one minute? Or is that asking too much? A second? A fraction of a second?"
Faith is chortling in the doorway, giving my sister one of those "Do you really think anything you have to say is going to stop us?" kind of looks. Oh but Dawn isn't finished just yet.
"You guys have no consideration for anybody around here. You talk all huskily to each other at the table, practically boinking each other with every word. And just when I think you're done, you come up with some nasty ew-ism to say again and it makes me want to puke everywhere! And to top it all off, Faith ate all the ice cream!"
Faith puts her hands up in defense. "Pint-size, you know that slaying gives me a nasty case of the H and H's. Apparently you are aware of how I take care of the horny bit; but did you honestly think that ice cream goodness was safe from the hungry side?"
I'm grinning from ear to ear at the exchange going on between my girl and Dawn, and Davie seems eager to jump in on the action.
"Right-o Dawnie. Sounds like your just a bit jealous that they have someone to let it all hang out with if ya know wha' mean." Davie ends her statement with a sly wink at Dawn, then turns to us as we take a seat on the couch. "But on more serious note. Seems that Aldinach has got himself his own little Slayer pet. Hey, figure three of us to her one little measly self…that'll tell her to 'get stuffed'," Davie finishes.
I turn to face Faith. She seems deep in thought. Wonder what's going on in her gorgeous head?
So another rogue slayer…maybe we can have some better luck talking her down than we did when I went over to the dark side? It's one of those things that I think about a lot. What had happened if good ol' Wesley hadn't stuck his obnoxious self into the situation and screwed everything to Hell in a hand-basket with the Council.
I feel B's eyes on me and decide to voice my thoughts. "Wonder if we can maybe do a rogue Slayer exorcism on her. I mean, has there ever even been a Slayer that just started off on the wrong side of the tracks? Aren't we supposed to be like, innately good?"
Dawn snorts. "Yeah maybe, but you didn't grow up with Buffy. While I was a perfect little princess, Buffy was busy stealing all my stuff and flushing it down toilets."
B glares at her kid sister. "And if you don't shut up I'm going to flush you down a toilet."
Davie just looks back and forth shaking her head, smiling to herself. I decide to end this conversation before it gets bad.
"Anyways, I'm going to go up and take a bath. I've got crabs." Dawn and Davie jerk their heads over to me, clearly taken by surprise. "Er rather, I smell like one. B and I fought some nasty shell creatures back in Weatherly Park. Eck…and I thought the Dawnster's dirty laundry smelled bad."
With that last jab I took off upstairs and to the bathroom. I turned the water on extra steamy and poured some bubble bath mix into the flow. Walking over to the cabinet in the bathroom, I began to peel off my clothes, dirty layer by dirty layer until I'm stark naked. I bend over to look for a plastic bag under the sink to wrap my cast in.
I'm shuffling around the products, my ass pointed in the air when I hear the door open swiftly.
My god she has a nice butt.
I walk into the bathroom to help Faith wrap her cast, but apparently she's beat me to the task and is looking for a bag already, giving me clear view of her perfectly shaped behind.
"Like what you see?" Faith asks in her sultry voice from under the sink.
"Oh I love what I see," I respond as I begin to remove my clothes, first peeling off my jacket, then my dirt-streaked top until I'm standing in nothing but my bra and jeans.
Faith pulls herself out of the cabinet and begins to layer her cast with the two plastic grocery bags she found. She beams, pleased with herself for sealing the bags shut.
Then she saunters over to the tub, cuts off the flow of water and lowers herself into the steaming water.
She looks over at me with those big brown eyes, dark with desire.
"Care to join me?"
AN: First of all, I just wanted to apologize for the LONG time it has taken me to update. Other things had to take precedent in my life and this story took its place on the backburner. But now, hopefully I can get this story moving again. Second, I will finish this fic if it's the last thing I do! I was perusing other stories out there and was upset when I found a great one and saw that it had ended in the middle of a "What is going to happen?!" moment. Not that I'm saying this is great fic, just that I will end it, no matter how long it takes :]
Anyway, thanks for reading and sticking with this story. I hope you're ready for more.
Oh yes, and please review! Since it's been so long, I would like to know if it's going in the right direction, or if there's something in particular you'd like to see. I might be able to make it happen.