Lie to Me
Disclaimer: Supernatural is not mine. I do not claim to own either of the Winchester brothers, with the exclusion of my personal fantasies.
Author's Note: Believe it or not, I wrote this little vignette because I was suffering from writer's block while working on a lengthier story for Supernatural. I wrote it in like twenty minutes and everything just kind of flowed out on its own, so I hope it still turned out okay. You'll let me know, huh?
Summary: Sam's thoughts on his missing father. No spoilers unless you've never seen an episode. No warnings except that I took some Nyquil before writing this.
Now, onward with the mental sufferings of our beloved Sammy…
I'm sure you love me. You've never given me reason to doubt it, but at the same time you've never given me much reason to believe. I sometimes wonder if when you told me you loved me, you were just telling me that because you thought I wanted to hear it. The truth is I need to hear it, at least once in a while. I need to hear those words, "I love you," not just what the words imply.
I need to hear you say, "I'm proud of you, Sam."
Even if you're not, I need to hear it.
I need to hear you say, "You made a good choice when you went to college,"
Even if you don't believe it was a good choice, I need to hear it.
I need to hear you say, "It wasn't your fault, Sam. You weren't responsible for her death."
Even if you think that's a lie, I need you to lie to me. I need to hear you say it.
Because if I hear you say it, then somewhere deep down you've accepted your role in my life, not just as a protector but as a father. I need a father. I might not always want you there, but I need you, Dad. I need you.
I once was afraid to say it. Yeah, I had Dean, have Dean, and Dean will always be there. He's been my one and only constant. He knows I'm forever grateful, or at least he should know. That, I suppose, is between him and me. And then there's you and me. I once was afraid to admit that I needed you there. I once was afraid to be there for you, needed or not. In these past few months…no, in these past four years…hell, all my life I've wished things were different between us.
I've heard people say their relationships with their family are built on lies. The Winchester's haven't been the lying type, (unless it's for the "family business"). I understand that. If anything, we just keep the truth to ourselves, but we never lie.
I've heard other people say that 'you don't know what you have until it's gone'. I could never much relate to that statement. I don't remember mom enough to feel she's left; she was just never there (as far as my memory goes…). As for Dean, well he's never once left me. I know I went to college and in a way I left Dean behind, which I regret having to do every day. I try to make up for that every day, with every breath. Still, he's never left me, so he's never really been gone. I know you think I left you. That's not the case. I needed to find something average, some normalcy in my life. That sense of normalcy just happened to be at college…away from you and Dean.
You, though, you left me. You left us.
I understand why you went away, but I don't understand why you left us.
Jessica, my soulmate, was taken away from me like mom was.
…I'm afraid somehow it's my fault…
For that, I understand taking people for granted. I understand making mistakes. I understand what it's like to not be there when you're needed. And through that understanding I have learned forgiveness.
Dean has sworn to me we'd find you, and I believe him, because as a Winchester he does not lie…not when it comes to family. And I have to believe we'll find you. I need to believe we'll find you because I need to believe things can be different for us.
I need to say I'm sorry.
I need to say I forgive you.
I need to say I love you, Dad.
Maybe you won't feel the same. Maybe I'm a fool to hope for some kind of normalcy in this family. I'll take what I can get because it's all I'll ever have. And in this life, this quest for the truth, I need to hear you say, "I love you, Sam," even if it's a lie. I need you to lie to me. And all the while, I will hope you're telling the truth.