Credit to Nintendo.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Ike. His daddy was big and strong and had a bunch of people working for him and they fought bad guys and Ike wanted to be just like him!
Actually, Ike was pretty content with throwing misc objects at people walking passed his window, but fate decided that Ike was going to be a hero instead.
Our story begins with Ike, age older teenager, and his younger teenager sister, Mist. Mist is out in the field picking flowers and poison ivy while Ike is getting the crap kicked out of him by his father.
Little did Ike and Mist know, that today, the fate of their world would change forever… not really.
"DAAAAAAAAAD I'm bored and it's hot and I don't feel like doing this anymore!"
"Suck it up like a real man, Ike!" Greil, Ike's father, growled. "You're somethingteen now and its about time you took your swordsmanship seriously!"
"I wanted to be a soldier but NO! I have to use a SWORD!"
"Pansies use lances! Just look at Oscar!" Greil pointed behind him. The lance knight of the group, Oscar, was busy sitting with Mist in the field of flowers. He was busying himself by making a daisy chain wreath for Mist to wear. Oscar was also wearing a wreath that Mist herself had made.
"But dad! About 75 percent of the people in this world use lances!"
"And you are not about to become a statistic! Statistics are bad! I got a C+ in that class in high school because Statistics are so bad! Now ready your sword!"
"FIIIIINE." Ike raised his sword, but once again, took another ass whooping from his father. Seeing this sent Mist into a panic and she made a mad dash to her brother's side.
"Ike! Ike! Are you alright?"
"Ow… I think I broke something…"
"Yeah. Your brain." Greil muttered. "Fight Boyd for awhile. BOYD!"
"What?" Boyd looked up from picking his nose.
"I want you to battle Ike. You see, I'm trying to teach him that swords are better than lances."
"But… AXES RULE! We can take out lances!"
"That's right! AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!" Greil pointed at Ike.
"Then why won't you let me use an axe-"
"Because you're a pansy!"
"But I thought pansies used lances!"
"…Well I'm trying to keep you from becoming an even bigger pansy!"
"I'm not a pansy! I just have no desire to learn how to fight!"
"Grrrrr Just fight Boyd."
"FINE." Ike got up off the ground, dusted himself off, then marched onto the field.
"Yeah, dad-OW!" Ike looked up just in time to get smacked in the head by a vulnerary. "THAT HURT!"
"Good! Use one to heal yourself, then use the rest later!"
"Blargh." Ike used the first portion of the vulnerary, and then readied himself. "Are you ready Boyd?"
"…What are we doing again?"
"You're sparring with Ike, you dumbass!" Greil threw a rock at Boyd's head.
"OW! I knew that…"
"Alright then… Commence!"
Much to Ike's surprise, the battlefield suddenly had little black boxes everywhere. Confused, Ike began to move.
"You can only move in the blue squares! The red squares show where you end but you can hit!" Greil explained.
"Is this part of that "technology" stuff?"
"Do you have to end every sentence with an exclamation point?"
"Come on, Ike! I'll cut you down!" Boyd taunted. Ike rolled his eyes, moved forward, and then stopped.
"Er…" A sweat droplet ran down the back of Ike's head. Big red words appeared above his head that read "Enemy Turn", but Boyd didn't move. After a few second, blue letters sporting the word "Player Turn" appeared above his head.
"BOYD! You could have MOVED!" Greil threw another rock at Boyd.
"OW! Well pretty soon I'm not GOING to move if you keep throwing rocks at me!"
"Boyd?" Ike was now standing next to Boyd. Boyd turned his attention to Ike right when Ike's training sword came crashing down on his shoulder. "OMG!"
"You can't be frightened by your opponent's reaction, Ike!" Greil instructed, "Now finish him!"
"It's not my turn!" Ike pointed to the red letters above his head. Boyd stood there, crying, and then when the blue letters came up again, Ike landed another blow on Boyd. Boyd toppled over and landed on the ground, whimpering.
"Alright, alright, that's enough!" Greil blew the whistle. "Shake on it." Ike held out his hand to the wincing Boyd, who shook Ike's hand after Ike had pulled him off the ground.
"Sorry about that Boyd. Didn't mean to hurt you."
"It's alright… just… let's not spar again for a long time, okay?"
"Man… I'm not really sure about this mercenary thing…" Ike was looking out his window with his chin resting on his arm. "My father is so strong and I'm-" he paused for a minute to hurl an empty can at a passer-by. "-not."
"HEY!" A man suddenly jumped in through the window, knocking Ike backwards onto the floor.
"HOLY FRENCH FRIES!" Ike shrieked.
"Actually, it was an empty green bean can, but close enough!" The intruder gruffly placed one foot on Ike's chest, holding him down. Slowly he drew an arrow out of the quiver on his back and drew it back on his bow, aiming for Ike's forehead. "I think you owe me something."
"I…I… DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD Shinon's threatening me again!"
"Well maybe if you stopped throwing shit at him he'd leave you alone!" Greil's voice came from outside the door.
"See?" Shinon nodded his head towards the door. "Listen to your father, wittle Ikey, and maybe I won't have to hurt you next time."
"Shinon, leave him alone." Titania was now standing in the doorway.
"Whatever." Shinon muttered as he removed the arrow from the bowstring. He expertly sheathed the arrow back into the quiver, then headed for the doorway.
"Shouldn't you apologize to Ike?" Titania nodded towards Ike. Shinon looked at Ike, then to Titania, then back to Ike again. He paused for a moment, then looked back at Titania."
"He threw a can at me! AGAIN! For the 5th time today!"
"Actually the first time was a chicken bone, the second was one of Oscar's house shoes, but yeah, the last three were cans." Ike counted as he looked at the ceiling. Shinon looked pissed off (so what else is new) and Titania looked irritated.
"Alright, that's enough, both of you. Get to bed. Your first assignment is in the morning, Ike. You need your sleep."
"Yeah… I'm going…"
"And Shinon?" Titania turned her attention to the sniper.
"Be nice to Ike."
"Whatever, Titania. I'm going to bed. Night night, wittle Ikey." Shinon scoffed at Ike, then left the room.
"He hates me! Why does he hate me?"
"BECAUSE YOU THROW SHIT AT ME!" Shinon burst back into the room, but Titania yanked him back.
"SHINON! OUT! NOW!" Titania threw Shinon behind her while at the same time, she grabbed Ike's door and slammed it shut.
Ike lay there on the floor, starring up at the ceiling. Tomorrow was the first day on the job and he really wasn't looking forward to it. He didn't know if he was nervous or just didn't want to go, but he knew if he didn't get to sleep, there'd be hell to pay in the morning.