Okay this really isn't funny at all because I'm not in a great mood... I'm caught up in a weird mess right now with some friends because they like drama and I'm all like ew so I'm sorry. I had to get my mind off of it (and my laptop is fixed yay!) so I decided I'd take a crack at finishing up this chapter here. I don't own FE or anything and be warned that this is a crack fic so the canon of characters is going to be exaggerated and somewhat OoC. My apologies. I did proofread but I am not an english major. Please forgive me. (if it is something major and dumb please let me know so I can fix it.)
I think in the next chapter or so I'll concentrate a little more on Gatrie. He's not in this much and I really like him and I need to work with him more. If there's someone you want to see more of, let me know :) I like requests.
"Alright wittle Ikey, lets see how you handle being the boss." Shinon sneered as the Greil mercenaries assembled at the back of the lot, prepared for battle. "Well? What are your orders, boy?! I'll do whatever your battlefield virgin ass says as long as you hurry up and spit it out!"
"I KNOW ALREADY!" Ike spat, "I'm not STUPID. Okay let me think here…"
"Maybe Mist could do a better job. We're better off with Lady Burnt-biscuits instead of this yellow bellied-" WHACK! One of Mist's famous biscuits slammed into Shinon's face, right between his eyes. 3 damage. "…Oh you did NOT just do that!" A scowling Shinon made an effort to tackle Ike, who now darted behind Gatrie, but Soren quickly dropped his wind tome at Shinon's feet and knocked the sniper flat on his face.
"Stop acting like child and quit complaining." Soren examined his fingernails as he lectured Shinon, "You're not even paying attention to your own surroundings-OFF."
"I was just making it look pretty!" Kate fussed, but she let go of Soren's hair (of which she was braiding) and lurked over to the nearest bush to poke Mark with a stick.
"Okay let's see…" Ike scanned the battlefield while the Daein soldiers loafed about and picked their noses. Some of them threw watering cans at each other while others argued over who had the bigger lance. "We're in the middle of the road and there's not much cover. Soren, Rhys, and the newbs are vulnerable so they'll have to stay in the back… right?"
"You're learning, Ike." Soren picked up his wind tome, made a face at it, and then dusted it off. "Rhys and I can attack from behind, so can Shinon. That's a good strategy."
"Wait, are you COMPLIMENTING me? And MEANING it?"
"…Don't let it get to your head-OFF."
"Wah… Oh yeah!" Kate let go of Soren's hair again and hopped over to Ike. "One more thing that Crankabutt here didn't mention. You need to be wary of enemies with long range weapons like archers and lance users with javelins. Soren, Mark, Rhys, and I can stand behind you to attack but these ranged weapon users can stand in front of you and attack us from behind. It's a good idea to watch for them and take those guys out first."
"Yeah, that's another good point." Ike tore at his hair. "THIS IS SO HARD! I'll never pass statistics in highschool!"
"It sounds hard, but you're still learning!" Kate beamed. "And I barely passed Statistics! I got a D-!"
"That's not passing, they'll make you retake that!! …Oh yeah, what weapons do you and Mark use?" Ike blinked, "Or are you guys some of those completely useless yellow people?"
"Nah, since the tactician's guild doesn't cover this area we can fight." Kate attempted to braid Soren's hair again but she was met in the face with a wind tome that made her cry. "We can use anything. See, if you're a tactician from the tactician's guild, you're required to know how to use everything. Kinda makes sense if you think about it because when you're on the battlefield you gotta understand what affects what right?"
"No, I made that all up just now but that's okay. My last statement still holds SOME water, though."
"True… so… do you have a preference?"
"Sure but we can adapt to whatever you want and or but need! However…" Kate warned, "Be careful for what you pick us to be because we'll be that class the entire time we're here!"
"Well… in that case-"
"Oh yeah one thing. Don't make me use thunder magic." Kate burst into tears, this time on her own and not from Soren beating her with a book, "I have a weakness against thunder magic so I can't use it that well."
"COME ON ALREADY!" Shinon howled as he loosened his belt, "If you don't make up your mind, boy, I'll start provoking these Daeins!"
"I'M SORRY! Keep your pants on!" Ike hollered over his shoulder before he turned his attention back towards tactician #2. "Uh… Do I have to decide right now?"
"…Since we're kind of um… in trouble…" Kate pointed to the Daeins that had grown bored with throwing crap at each other and were now marching towards them, "We'll just be yellow people and lurk around here and get in your way. We can discuss this later."
"Alright… well, let's do this!" Ike began, "Soren, you get behind me, Titania you get on my left and Gatrie, on my right. Kate and Mark you stay OUT of trouble and guard Rhys, and Shinon…"
"Pull your pants up and go over there." Ike covered his eyes and pointed in a random direction. Grumbling, Shinon pulled up his pants, tightened his belt, and then headed off to a corner to provoke more Daein soldiers. After about twenty minutes of fighting, screaming, bleeding, Soren yelling at Kate to leave his hair alone, Ike going up about 3003298502938 levels, and then Soren finally blasting Kate with his wind tome, all that was left was the Daein captain, Maijin.
"Okay he has a javelin." Ike grumbled, "I'll lose against that. Gatrie, you go-GATRIE!"
"It's… too… far!" Gatrie whined as he lumbered up behind Ike, "It's the middle of SUMMER, Ike! It takes me twice as long to go anywhere! I want a snow cone!"
"Yes, but he's an armored knight like you. He's not complaining." Soren pointed to Maijin, who was in the middle of a taunt battle with Shinon. It was hard to hear what they were saying, but Soren could make out brash threats involving a tea kettle and popcorn salt.
"Aww that's cuz he's a skinny thing with an ugly mustache." Gatrie put on his helmet and picked up his lance.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!? MY MUSTACHE?! IT IS NOT UGLY! PREPARE TO DIE!" Maijin suddenly forgot about Shinon.
"Wait! I didn't mean it! Your mustache is fine!" Gatrie flailed and very slowly dodged a javelin that came sailing through the air in his direction. Instead, the javelin flew passed him and pierced right through the middle of Mark's bright pink bow.
"…Uh oh." Kate let go of Soren's hair and dove for a healhedge.
"What? What's going on?" Ike looked over at Mark. Suddenly, without warning, dark storm clouds rolled in and the air became quiet. Even Maijin stopped hurling javelins everywhere for a second to see what was going on. Very slowly, Mark turned around, his eyes red with fury and his fists shook with rage. The javelin was still lodged in his bow, of which a very angry Mark reached up and yanked out. The bow instantly fell from Mark's head and his green cloak also fell from his body, revealing dark green and brown soldier's armor and Mark looking ultra super awesome sexy.
"You destroyed my bow!" Mark said in his ultra super awesome sexy voice as he glared ultra super awesome sexy like as he pointed the javelin super awesome ultra sexy style in Maijin's direction.
"He made fun of my mustache!" Maijin cried as he pointed at Gatrie, who was now busy eating a snow cone, but Maijin was quickly cut off when Mark hurled the javelin back at him. "WAH!!!"
"…Okay, Ike." Mark ordered, "You take him out. If you've noticed your Regal Blade has an advantage against knights and cavalry. It should be an easy win for you."
"One step ahead of you!" Ike tossed his sword into the air, caught it, and then brought it crashing down on Maijin's shoulder. Maijin cried out and disappeared into a cloud of smoke, leaving only a pile of ashes and his javelin behind. Mark reached down and picked up his bow, cloak, and the javelin leftover from Maijin. He wandered off, grumbling, while everyone else stood around trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
"…Um, Kate?" Boyd popped out of a healhedge, "What just happened?"
"WELLLLLLLLL…" Kate rolled her head over towards Boyd, "See when you knock off Mark's bow, he suddenly turns into this bishonen-like ultra super awesome sexy know-it-all expert tactician."
"…So then why does he wear the pink bow," Soren began, and then looked over at Boyd, "And where have you been!?"
"Practicing my awesome ninja skillz!"
"…I shouldn't have asked."
"If Mark stays in ultra super awesome sexy know-it-all expert tactician mode you wouldn't have a job." Kate grinned devilishly but that just made Soren throw his wind tome at her again, "I'M LYING, he wears the bow because I make him. Females cannot handle Mark's ultra super awesome sexiness."
"That's not true." Soren sneered, "You're not affected."
"I'm Kate, I'm an exception to nature."
"So I've noticed." Soren raised an annoyed eyebrow.
"But check THAT out." Kate pointed to Titania, who was groveling at Mark's feet with pink hearts flying everywhere. The dark scary clouds were gone and naked cherubs were flying around Mark as he stood there with golden rays of annoyingly bright sunshine streaming down on him from the heavens. "Now if you'll excuse me..." Kate whirled around and marched over to Mark, and then swiftly threw a paper bag over his head. Instantly, Titania snapped out of it, the naked angel babies flew off, and the annoying rays of sunshine disappeared.
"Well…" Ike shook his head in an attempt to shut out of his mind what had just happened. "Aside from Mark's … pinkbow, did we suffer any causalities?"
"No one is wounded or dead." Titania pretended nothing happened and patted Ike on the back. "Good job, Ike!"
"I'm wounded! Soren hit me!"
"You deserved it."
"I dunno about this though…" Gatrie rubbed the back of his head, "Takin' out all these soldiers like that is gonna raise some red flags for Daein… Hey, Shinon, watcha doin?"
"This guy's got some nice weapons. Besides, he ain't gonna complain." Shinon snorted as he poked around a dead body, "He's long gone, he don't need 'em no more-"
"Get your hand out of that dead man's pants and act like a civilized person!" Soren snapped, "Steal from the dead on your own time!"
"WHAT!? You judgemental arrogant little-"
"Shinon! Stop picking at dead bodies! Soren! Stop starting fights with people! Boyd! Take off that stupid outfit! Can't you guys get along?! We have more important things to do than fight over stupid matters like that-hey, is that silver axe?" Titania shoved Ike and Soren out of the way to take a look at the dead guy on the ground.
"Alright, that's enough!" Rhys wheezed, "I'm going to be sick… can we get away from the dead people? Please?"
"Yeah… lets head out of here." Ike agreed, "We need to tell my dad what happened."
"It'll be best to take this road." Soren turned his attention towards a road leading through the forest. "We should be able to cut through the forest and…erm…" Boyd was poking around in the bushes near the edge of said forest, but Ike noticed the funny look on Soren's face.
"Whats wrong?" Ike peered over Soren's shoulder.
"No, as I said!" Soren briefly panicked, "This road-"
"Wait!" Rhys pointed out, "There's something on the other side of that bush!"
"Maybe it's a wounded soldier or an animal-"
"NO WE'RE TAKING THE ROAD-" Soren spazzed, but everyone decided to ignore him and go see what exactly was wiggling around in the bush because that is totally much more exciting then watching Soren throw a temper tantrum.
"Oh no…" Rhys ran over to the bush, Ike and Titania right behind him. A grumpy Soren followed along with everyone else to see what was going on. A woman with dark green hair dressed in an orange dress was sprawled out on the ground. "It's a… woman."
"Leave her." Soren said hastily, "She looks rich and important. Daein was probably after her so we'd best leave her alone."
"She's okay!" Ike completely blew off Soren, "Hey Rhys, help me get her to her feet."
"Is anyone even listening to me!?" Soren stomped his foot, "Hello?! Rich looking green haired woman in the middle of a forest surrounded by dead Daein soldiers?!"
"We better get her home." Ike and Rhys were already carrying her towards the edge of the forest. "She looks like she needs a good meal."
"I really don't think this is a good idea! What if she's someone of great importance!? We could become wrapped up in this skirmish between Crimea and Daein!"
"Soren, we can't just leave her here." Titania sighed heavily, "War or no war."
"Titania, trust me." Soren warned, "This doesn't bode well!"
"It'll be fine, Soren." Titania said one last time, and then joined Ike and Rhys at the edge of the woods.
"Look, they're not gonna listen to ya." Kate fussed, "The only thing you can really do is go back to base and wait for Daein to show up and then you can go I TOLD YOU SO and make them cry and then they'll go Soren! Please come up with an awesome plan for us! We should have listened to you! And then we'll beat up Daein and run far, far away."
"…Please tell me you're not weaving my hair into that heal hedge?"
"...Well, okay, but that doesn't mean I'm-" WHACK! "OW. I'M SORRY, MEH!"