Imagine how different your life would be if you had actually said all the things that you have ever stopped yourself from saying.—Benjamin Disraeli
Lee knew that she had returned.
"Starbuck's made it home." He had heard someone say. Starbuck always did.
But he didn't go to meet her; he waited in his office for her to come to him. Will I be waiting my whole life, Kara?
He only had to wait twenty minutes.
He heard her knock on the door, but he didn't speak to grant her entrance.
But as usual, she gained access anyways. Into my heart, my mind, my soul.
She stood with her back against his closed door and watched him look at her as he sat in his chair. Yes, Lee, look at me. Prove to me that I'm really here.
Her hair was down. Had HE pulled it down when he ran his hands through it as he welcomed her back?
Her eyes were red. Will I be the one crying, Kara?
She spoke in monotone. "He was dead." But you're alive and so am I.
Lee stood and walked over to her, standing a mere foot away. "I'm sorry." I really am sorry.
"I had to go back. I made him a promise. I couldn't break another promise." Like 'I'll never love anyone but you, Zak.'
"I know what he meant to you." Please don't tell me how much.
Not as much as you. "Yeah."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and her tongue slipped in his mouth without preamble. He whimpered softly at the shock of it for a millisecond before running his fingers through her hair as he sucked in the breath that she expelled.
He pressed her against the door even more, exploring her delicious mouth until she pushed back gently. They reluctantly separated their lips and stood apart, gasping, trembling. He stood there with his eyes closed and waited to hear the hatch open. But instead he felt her brush her hand against his shoulder as she walked past him, further into the room. He opened his eyes and turned around to face her.
She sat on the end of his desk and started to move all hard, offending items to the side with one hand while slowly unzipping her shirt with the other.
He held up his hand. "Stop." Let me.
He came up between her legs and lifted her face to meet his. She leaned into him and traced her lips against his throat. He shoved her hands away from the zipper, pulled it down the remaining way and slipped the shirt off of her shoulders, caressing the smooth skin that was freckled like a star chart. Is that how I always find my way back to you? As he moved to place the garment beside them on the desk, she reached down and took her shoes off, letting them fall to the floor with a loud thud that reverberated in the deliberate silence.
She let her body brush against his as she slid off the desk and stood before him. He lowered his hands to her ribcage and pushed her bra up. He motioned for her to raise her arms as he lifted it away. He unbuttoned her pants and pushed the remaining clothes over the swell of her hips before resting his hands on them, clenching his fingers against her skin.
"Take off your clothes." I need to feel you now, Lee. "It'll be faster that way."
She waited as he unbuttoned his jacket and fought the urge to touch his mouth. She watched him pull his tanks over his head and saw how the chain of his dog tags caught in his mouth. Throw one of them out the airlock, so that you'll only have one too.
He reached for her hands and placed them on the buckle of his pants, his eyes burning his mark on her heart. "I have to know." I have to know that you really want this; that you really want to be here.
Holding his gaze, she undid the buckle and slipped her hand inside to grasp the length of him, stroking him gently but with a definite purpose. "You've always known." Everyone else was just a distraction.
His eyes rolled into his head and he exhaled loudly. "That feels…….." So right.
He placed his hand on her chest and pushed her back to the desk until she was laid out on top of it. As he pressed himself over her, the corner of his eye caught the papers spread out underneath her. We'll prove to each other that we're alive on top of the latest casualty report. "Your heart—."
"Is racing." Is yours. "I know." She withdrew her hand from its grip on him and pushed his pants down enough to where his hardness was against her stomach. She spread her knees apart until he settled between her.
He lowered his mouth and took a breast in it, laving her with his tongue, tasting her, hoping that he would wash away the ash of their ruined planet from her being.
She ran her hands up his bare back and felt the hard planes of his shoulders ripple beneath her touch. They're strong from where he carries the world. He moved his lips to the other breast as his fingers kneaded its twin.
She ran her hands through his hair, fingernails scraping roughly against his scalp. "Stop."
"Stop?" He raised his head up with a desperate look. Please don't tell me to stop, Kara.
She wrapped her legs around his waist. "Once you're inside me, I won't tell you to stop." Not ever.
He moved his other hand from beside her face and reached down to touch her center. He groaned at the intensity of her heat. You've always done that, Kara. You've always burned me.
"How did he die?" He slipped his fingers inside of her, feeling her clench around him.
She moaned and breathed in a sharp gasp. "They said he died like a hero. It was fitting." More fitting than watching him fade into peripheral vision when I finally pushed him aside to be where I belonged.
"Did you love him?" He reluctantly removed his fingers and took himself in hand.
"I don't know." I don't know.
"Do you love me?" He buried himself inside of her in one breaking, smooth stroke.
His whole body stopped at the feel of her; soft and firm, bittersweet, pleasuring and painful. "Ah, Lords." Lords of Kobol, hear my prayer. Never let her leave me again.
She shivered underneath him. "Ah, frak." Frak me, Lee.
He hooked his hand in the bend of her knee and started moving inside her steadily; hard and deep, almost pushing her off the desk. He was terrified that the resolve it took to resist her for so long would break soon and she would never know. She would never know how desperation had lived inside of him since the day they met, how desperation was driving his harsh movements now. So he willed her to understand. This is how a person drinks after being thirsty for so long. You are my water, Kara.
He watched as her eyes slowly slid shut. "No. Don't close your eyes." Look at me.
Her eyes jerked back open. "Why?" All I see is you anyways.
"Because I want this to be me, not you pretending that I'm him."
She clenched herself around him tighter and threw her head back as she heard him groan against her. "I wonder if he thought the same thing about you." Even though I don't think he knew your name, I was always careful to bite my tongue after the last time. She looked back to him. "You're all I see." I don't even remember what room we're in, everything else is so blurry.
He moved his mouth to her collarbone and latched on, alternating between biting the skin and brushing his lips against it to relieve the sting. He heard her whimper lowly as she writhed beneath him in time with his hard, unforgivable thrusts and he pulled back to look at her. He saw her bite her lip. It's not supposed to be like this. This shattering, this all-encompassing, this imperfect.
"It was never like this with him." This shattering, this all-encompassing, this perfect. She met every one of his movements equally, and then she started to cry.
He saw her tears fall and his heart froze in fear at her pain. Oh gods, I'm hurting her. "I'm sorry."
She moved her hand to his face, and then traced his mouth as she insinuated her fingertip inside. He bit it gently. "You're not hurting me. Harder." Pound me like a chisel. Chip everything else away until all I can feel is you.
"I wanted it to be better than this." This isn't the way it's supposed to be.
"Don't." Don't do that Lee. Don't try to apologize for this like I don't want it as badly as you do.
He brushed a hand against the side of her face, sweeping wayward strands of dampened hair away in the process, trying fruitlessly to be gentle as he roughly claimed her. "I had to take you. I had to make you mine."
"No one takes me." She took his hand and moved it down to where he could feel her throbbing heart. "I give." And I am yours.
He leaned down and ran his tongue along her breastbone and neck while his fingers pressed against her center even as he thrust inside her with a renewed, focused drive unlike anything he'd ever done in his entire life. I've never cared about anything as much as this in my entire life. He felt her beginning to spasm around him just as he was sure that he couldn't hold on anymore.
They hadn't even kissed since the first time. They hadn't even said each other's names. This isn't the way it's supposed to be.
But when he pulled back to look at her face, giving his lower body more power to its actions, he realized he didn't care. All he wanted was for her to come with him. "Come with me." Be with me forever. Will you do that, Kara?
"Yes!" She shocked him with the gravelliest moan he had ever heard. She tightened her legs around his waist as she wrapped her arms around him and clutched herself to him. He felt her spasm and break against his sweat-drenched body, shattering into a million pieces that he realized he would have to pick up. But I have no problem with that. You make the most beautiful messes.
He slowed as she rode it out, entranced by the way her exhales softened and slowed and by the way her red, perfect lips parted as she let them out. He gave her time to fall back down, letting his fingers dance up her spine to the base of her skull until she buried her face against his neck, found his ear, and whispered: "I love you."
He fractured and gave himself over to one last, hard stroke, then released himself inside of her as he heard her gasp intermingled with his groaning breaths. "Kara." He whispered it like a chant, like a hymn, and then collapsed on her, placing a deep kiss on her shoulder.
She threaded her fingers through his hair and pulled back until his face was centimeters from hers. She stared at his lips then moved her worshiping gaze to his eyes. "Lee." And then she kissed him gently.
As he felt her soft lips move against his, Lee came to a profound realization: This is exactly the way it's supposed to be.
They laid there entwined with him still inside her for a few minutes until both feared that they would fall asleep, giving anyone that found them like that quite a shock.
They dressed slowly, neither one in a big hurry to leave the sanctuary of the room and go back out into the world. But they had to move on. Time had stopped itself for them so that their bodies could catch up with their hearts. But now time had to move on too.
He buttoned his last button as she zipped up her shirt. He came to stand in front of her and as he cupped the side of her face in his hand, he moved to kiss her. But she stopped him.
"I'm in mourning." That's appropriate. That's respectful.
He nodded in understanding.
"For how long?" She looked at him innocently. "How long do I stay in mourning, Lee?"
Another hour, Kara, then come right back to me. "I don't know, Kara. Unless he was family……"
"He wasn't family." Not by blood, by marriage, by history, or shared pain.
"Then I don't know the rules." He looked down at the floor before looking back up to her. "Someone once told me that it was a week for every year that you knew the person." That math is frakked. I'd mourn you for the rest of my life.
A small, sad smile graced her as she looked to her hands. "I only knew him for a week."
"Then double it." He grasped her hands in his. "Two weeks, Kara."
She nodded in confirmation, squeezed his hand, turned away from him and walked to the hatch. "Come find me in two weeks." She turned the handle and opened the door. "And be prepared to stay."
She left the room and he walked back over to his desk, cleaning up the mess that they had made.
Nothing else needed to be said, because they both realized that the other had somehow heard all the words that they had left unspoken.
Okay, there it is: My first ever M rated fic. Not quite as good as my smut idols latteaddict, SciFiScribe and Tracyj23, but a girl has to start somewhere. Please read and review, but be gentle. (uh, and please pardon the preceding sexual pun).