Even in the Darkest Days
Disclaimer: I do not own Stars Wars…although I wish I did.
Even in the darkest days when it seems like everything has gone wrong, when nothing has happened as I wished it, when I can no longer stand the command of another, I wonder why I had decided to leave my mother. I wonder why I had wanted to join the Jedi in the first place. The sense of adventure and promise of a new life away from slavery were tempting. But had I known that a different type a slavery, a more subtle and controlling type of slavery were ensconcing me, I would have immediately turned and left. Had I known that all the adventures would begin in worthless negotiations, and pointless missions that had nothing to do with adventure; I would have stayed.
The greatest power in the universe does nothing to tempt me away from these thoughts. What good is power when you can only torture people? What good is all this power when you have lost everything you ever loved?
Would I go back to those carefree days of my youth and refuse to journey with the older Jedi and Padme? I have many reasons for wishing it so. I would never have lost Padme then…she never would have been mine – the thought wrenches my gut, but somewhere deep inside I know it would have been better if we had never been together. But I would not trade those precious moments spent with her for anything. Somewhere I can still recall her soft laughter and beauty, her gentleness and love. Despite desperate attempts to bury her memory, it remains deeply ingrained in my soul…driving me further and further to the dark side in a last attempt to forget and dampen those emotions of despair.
Had I not joined the Jedi my mother would still be alive. I would never have given up searching for her, and even untrained my talent with the force would have helped me find her. Or so I wish to believe. Or maybe she wouldn't have gone out alone, without me. I know that she would still be alive if I had remained.
Had I not joined the Jedi the Order of the Jedi would still exist. Do they even realize the irony of that? Those few who are left…I wouldn't doubt that Obi-Wan understood it…does he regret training me? Does he regret meeting me that fateful day on Tatooine? I had seen the jealous look in his eye when Qui-Gon introduced us, but I hadn't thought anything of it. Now I wonder did her truly ever want to train me, or was it the wish of a dying man that prompted him all those years?
I cannot help but think of Obi-Wan with a pang in my heart. He had betrayed me, and yet he was never far from my thoughts.
It is for Obi-Wan I would not change the past. He became the father I had always wanted. And eventually, after I became a Jedi knight we became equals; best friends; brothers. We became Skywalker and Kenobi, a team to be reckoned with. He was there for me all those times I managed to earn the Council's disapproval. He was there when a mission went wrong. He was the one who helped me through painful meditation sessions, and trained me in subtle ways of the force.
But he betrayed me.
He sold me out.
He would not see the truth of my words.
Did not understand.
Perhaps it had been the Jedi pulling something over his eyes, but he was on the Council, as a Master. He had turned her as well. He had taken it all from me. My wife. My child. My remaining limbs. My ability to survive on my own. My best friend. With one foul swoop he stole it all. He should have killed me there…smite me down for the evil I had done, the evil I could do. And yet, in those last agonizing seconds I saw his pain, his horror, his guilt; he could not kill me. It would have been a mercy if he had, but he could not do it. No matter what I said he could not kill me. Perhaps he thought it was kind to give me mercy.
It only made me hate him more.
And now….now I can't remove his memory from my mind. Some days I loathe him more than I do anything in the universe, including my current Master. Other days, moments really, like now, I can't help but wonder at the pain and agony he is living in. If he had betrayed me, I had betrayed him also. I had never told him all my thoughts on the matter with Palpatine. I didn't listen where he warned. I didn't hear when he explained.
We hurt each other so completely, in only the way that brothers could. Nothing could ever repair that. I am a Sith Lord now, trained to hate and kill. He retains his Jedi training with unconditional love. I know that if I ever meet him again I will kill him, mercilessly. But in the end his death will further destroy the small part of Anakin Skywalker that remains trapped in this pit of darkness.