Disclaimer: i do not own anything but the plot...er... ok so there is no plot and the title was suggested by a reviewer. Heck i don't even own the computer it was typed up on that's my moms..
A/N ah, more complete pointless randomness... that really is more predictabel than it is random. Oh well. I apologise in advance for this. Oh yeah, and it probably wont make much sense if you havent read Lana the Llama.
Pete the chunk of Meat:
Pete Ross was not the most interesting of characters a sad fact, but a fact none the less. He wasn't beautiful, if self-obsessed and overly dramatic like Lana, nor was he intelligent attractive and powerfully driven like Chloe. As for Clark, well it wasn't fair to make a comparison there; I mean Clark wasn't even human. Not that Pete was jealous of Clark, no, the fact that Clark was good looking, did well in school, had the girl of Pete's dreams constantly lusting after him did not make him the least bit envious of his best friend. Not one tiny bit. As for the superpowers, well they seemed to be more trouble than they were worth. He'd been a little ashamed to admit he'd been glad when his mother told him they were moving out of Smallville and into Metropolis. He'd had the crazy idea that getting away from these extraordinary people would make him a more worthwhile character, that he'd stand out more. Considering he was moving from a small town to a city of 5 million, he wondered where this idea had come from. Metropolis had been much worse, particularly his high school: he couldn't even make the football team and not only did he still fade into the background, the people he faded behind were less special than in Smallville and his life was pretty boring. It wasn't completely bad though, for instance he no longer needed to worry about telling people Clarks secret. This was for two reasons, firstly: people barely knew who he was, they hadn't got a clue who Clark Kent was and secondly: people around his new school were always announcing things like that: one guy in his chemistry class was convince he was Napoleon. No one really listened to them, and if they did they just thought they were insane and laughed as they walked off. He didn't need to worry about it, but he still did. It had become almost as big a part of his daily life as breathing and a day just didn't feel the same without at least one situation in which he would be forced to lie to protect Clark's secret. It was for this purpose that he began to orchestrate situations in which he could possibly bring up the topic to lie about it. He talked about it to his mother, over the phone to Chloe and he even joined the sci fi club and argued on the side of those who believed that aliens couldn't possibly exist outside of fiction.
After a while he decided it was time to go and visit his old friends in Smallville, just to brag to them how well he was doing in Metropolis and make himself feel less of a failure next to them. Unfortunately his first stop was the talon, which Lana closed up for no reason and locked him in. The pressure was too much and he cracked announcing to everyone else who as trapped in the Talon that Clark Kent was an alien. Perhaps even more unfortunately, this was just a week after, unbeknownst to Pete, Clark had systematically proved to the whole town that it was not possible that he was an alien with the aid of a number of tests, some meteor rock and a meteor freak with the ability to manipulate time and memories. As a result Pete was locked up in a lunatic Asylum, though not the one in Smallville because he now technically lived in Metropolis and that place has to be full by now. Several years passed, and free from the worry of Clark's secret he spent his days sitting staring into space dreaming idly about Chloe Sullivan, and then later, (shockingly at the same time that Chloe assumed Lana's identity, as Lana was now a Llama) moping over his unrequited love for Lana. In time this too disappeared, around the same time Chloe /Lana did and he just hummed a lot. Eventually he was released when the world realised Clark Kent was indeed an alien, and also flying around in a pair of tights. The world promptly forgot this after an accident involving a giant memory laser, as that's really the only way such mass amnesia can happen, and it can happen as many times as is necessary as once it's happened no one remembers that it has er… happened.
Once released back into the big bad world Pete found himself horrified by what it had become and at a loss for what to do with himself. Eventually he decided to make the world a better place in the best way he knew how and joined the HFLA travelling the world giving poor deprived Llama's hats. He did this for many years until, for if this did not happen the fic would be badly named, he turned into a chunk of meat. Ironically it was Llama meat and a farmer in South America ate him. Poor Pete, but it really would break one of the basic rules of the show if he were allowed even a little happiness.