Disclaimer: I really, really, don't own it. Honest!

Teaser: six reasons why Haru Glory was better off eloping

reason one: the Sister Who is Likely A Wicked Overlord

reason two: the Frilly White Dress of Awesome Evilness

reason three: the Mood Swings that Bring Doom-y Doom

reason four: the Party Planned by the Devil's Compatriots

reason five: the Minor Stripper Who is a Demon of Chaos

reason six: The Wedding That is Taken to the Bad Place

warnings: none. 'Cept Haru still doesn't win in the end! Oh, and it's more sappy than funny. Sorry. I had to reach my sap quota for this story. At least I'm not aiming for an angst quota. 'Cause I do that well.

Oh and: Kingdom Hearts II OWNED my face off. OMG, Johnny Depp… in my game… with Sora. Dreams do come true.

VI. Wedding

"I'm going to be sick," Haru Glory said.

Cattleya Glory didn't even bother to glance at her brother as she straightened his bowtie. "No you're not. If you got sick, you'd ruin this tuxedo. Then I'd have to slowly kill you. So you're not going to be sick."

"Uh-huh," Haru agreed even as his stomach twisted in nervousness and excitement.

"You're going to do fine," Cattleya said slowly as she stood and looked her brother directly in the eye. "You're not going to ruin the wedding I worked hard to make."

"Oh yes…" Haru muttered and looked away. "Mustn't ruin Cattleya's wedding."

"Got that right," Cattleya agreed and backed away to examine her work. She smiled and glanced up at Haru. Then she frowned. "Stop being sarcastic in your head, Haru, or I'll strangle you with that bowtie."

Damnit… Haru thought and shut off his mind.

"Now get out there and get married," Cattleya said and pushed him toward the door. "I've gotta go find your—" she bared her teeth "—bride."

He stumbled out the door and into the chapel. People had already been seated and watched him eagerly as he made his way toward the alter. Musica, Let, and Shuda stood there, dressed in matching tuxedos.

I don't remember asking Shuda to be a groomsman. He probably just assumed. The bastard.

Haru's smile was nasty as he caught Shuda's bruised eye. That's what you get, he thought and his smile widened as he remembered the way Cattleya had grabbed the video tape of Haru's embarrassing bachelor party escapades and bashed it over Shuda's head, screaming: that's for getting my brother drunk!

Lucky for Shuda, Elie had been otherwise… preoccupied with Haru to come down and extract her own vengeance upon him.

That little preoccupation would have him smiling for years to come. Who knew Elie could bend that way?

Because he was becoming a little too hot, Haru stopped thinking about it and took his place beside the alter. He gave Musica and Let a look before grinning. All was forgiven thanks to the wonderful makeup sex between him and Elie.

Minutes stretched on… Haru was getting impatience and starting to feel all sickly again. He was going to throw up, right then and there. Just lose that tiny breakfast Cattleya had forced him to eat.

Then Elie came down the isle.

She had destroyed the Lacy Gown of Evil and transformed it into the Sexy Gown of Oh My God. It hugged her body like a second skin, all the frills gone except on the long train. The puffy sleeves had been sheered off and now clung to Elie's breasts. A long, sheer veil flowed down her back and she carried a bundle of…


He grinned at her and Elie smiled right back.

She came up beside him and he leaned in. "We should have eloped," he told her and Elie's laughter filled the room before she sent him a serious look. Cattleya frowned the whole time, expect when she was scowling at Shuda, who pointedly ignored her gaze with what could be called a shamed face.

"Dearly beloved," the priest intoned, sending Haru and Elie a warning look. This is a church, his face said calmly, there is no laughing here. "We are gathered here today to witness the union of Haru Glory and Elie… um… Elie."

Blah, blah, blah, Haru's libido thought as he gazed upon the curves shown proudly in Elie's wedding dress. When do we to go on our honeymoon?

And then he was kissing Elie, gripping her by the waist and holding her tight against him. Elie laughed against his lips and pushed lightly. The people cheered around them, Musica slapped him on the back.

All that really mattered was that Elie smiled at him.

Then… rice pelted him.

Haru blinked and looked over at Shuda as he grabbed another fistful of rice and tossed it at Haru. It hit him in the eye. He snarled, putting Elie behind him as she burst out laughing.

"Hey," Musica said as he turned to look at Shuda. "That's for when they're running out of the church."

"Oops," Shuda said with a shrug. "Forgot." He gave Haru a glare. No, Shuda did not forget.

Cattleya stormed over to him just as Shuda reached for another handful. She yanked the rice from his finger and then tossed it at his face. "Jerk," she told him. They stood staring at each for a long time, the church growing silent with worry.

The seconds ticked by.

Both their eyes were darkened with rage.

Shuda's hand clenched and unclenched. Haru wondered if he was considering turning to the Dark Side again.

Cattleya jerked her chin out, haughtily. Her eyes were daring him to do something.

"This is hot," Elie told him softly, and Haru wondered if the corset she was wearing had cut of the circulation of blood going to her head. Those two were going to kill each other.

Then Shuda and Cattleya were kissing. Big, sloppy kisses.

Oh God…

Haru grabbed Elie's arm and shouted, "Run! Run! Run!" He didn't dare glance at his sister and the man she was making out with for fear he might go crazy and just kill Shuda. After all, Cattleya was his sister… evil banshee woman or no.

Elie laughed at him as they raced toward his house. He scooped her up in his arms and kicked open door. Elie gave a raspy breath as they stepped over the threshold. Haru kicked the door shut again.

"I'm locking it," he warned her. "We have enough food to last us for two weeks. We aren't coming out until then. Cattleya can stay with Shuda…" He trailed off and blanched.

Ew. That was a very bad thought.

"Okay," Elie laughed and began to undo the buttons of his tuxedo.

"We're married," he realized then. He was so brilliant sometimes. "Like really married. With the same names and everything."

"Oh, Haru, you detective you," Elie teased lightly, placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. "Since we're married, why don't we have sex?"

"Weren't we already doing that?"

"Yeah, but this time it'll be married sex."

What a perfect idea. A woman after my own heart.

Haru lowered them both to the floor, rolling so Elie was on top of his chest. His fingers found the back zipper of her dress and he tugged it downward—

And it jammed.

"Goddamnit!" he shouted to the heavens.

"What?" Elie asked, raising her head from her task to look at him. "What is it?"

"The zipper," he snarled and yanked it again. It held fast. "It's stuck."

Her big, doe eyes grew wide. "What are we going to do? I don't want this dress ruined!" She pushed herself off him and Haru dragged her back down. "You better now even try it, Glory! I meant it when I said I don't want this dress ruined."

"We should have eloped," Haru told Elie mournfully.

notes: told you, he still did not win. That very last scene was inspired by Robin Hood: Men in Tights. I nearly almost wrote Haru shooting 'call the tailor!' and then decided against it. And now, Better off Dead is over. XD It was a blast to write and I just love all the reviews I got for it. You guys are awesome! See you sometime in the near distant future (I hope?).


Prozacfairy: not if Cattleya gets to them first, obviously!

Outsane: I think the reason why they dislike each other so strongly is because they're so much alike.

Rave Masta: That's because Haru Glory is a BAMF. And Cattleya and Elie would like be civil to each other for Haru's sake… sometimes… maybe… possibly…

uhhh: Cattleya and Elie will eventually start arguing again. That's just who they are.

GlorysGirl4Ever: you know what the real funny thing is? I hate spiders. Ew… eight-legged freaks… hm, but I love that movie.

Ranchdressing: oh now, it just a small cold spell. Hell's a hot and blazing again.

Birdie101: when something blows up it's usually funny. School, the house next door, the playground. It's not funny when the police station blows up… because isn't the bomb squad there? That's just ironic.

Story Weaver1: well, you know what they say. Keep your friends close, but your enemies joined at the hip. Or something to that effect.

… thank you!

Wolf Creek: XD I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back to Kingdom Hearts II and kick Sephiroth's ass! But rather, he'll kick mine and I'll need a good cry.