KILL BILLIE: VOL 1

A/N: NOTHING like the episode. Let's face it, the name was misleading, I saw no Billie killing what so ever. You don't call an episode 'Kill Billie' if you ain't gonna do anything remotely close to killing, bludgeoning, or drowning Billie! But of course that's what you get when you sell your soul to Satan for another season. (shifty eyes) Not-that-I- did that or anything.

Summary: The name says it all! The Charmed Ones finally lose it and take out the Blonde Bimbo who made me lose all hope in this show.

Also- You may find some of this confusing because I'll be mixing real life and the show.

Chapter 1- Why oh why must you torment us so?

(Billie kicks a demon into the clock.)

Director: "A-nd, CUT! Take five! Great job Kaley."

Kaley: "Thanks…guy."

(Holly and Alyssa walk past, talking. She runs up to them.)

Kaley: "Hey guys, so whatcha doin after we're done taping?"

Holly: "Well I'm going to out to dinner with my husband. Because I have a life."

Kaley: "Oh, and what about you Lyssie?"

Alyssa: "Look, Kaley, I told you; only my friends, and fans on my site whom I never met and have no intention of meeting can call me that."

Kaley: "Alright, so what are you doin…"

Alyssa: "I have to go get my arm hair bleached."

(They walk off quickly. Kaley spots Rose talking to the… camera.)

Kaley: "Hey Rose, what's up?"

Rose: (snob-ily.) "Nothing, can I help you? I have to prepare for my next scene."

Kaley: "I just wanted to know if you wanted to go get some drinks after taping."

Rose: "I only drink with friends and homicidal maniacs." (She walks off.)

(Kaley purses her overly-glossed lips in that annoying way she does and walks over to Brian who's combing his hair.)

Kaley: "Brian…everyone's being so mean to me!"

Brian: "Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't hear you over the sound of thousands of fans crying because I'm getting killed off!" (He walks away.)

(Brad walks up to her.)

Brad: "Kaley, my little spin-off meal ticket, what's wrong?" (He puts an arm around her.)

Kaley: "I'm starting to get the impression that no one around here likes me." (Alyssa quickly lowers her crossbow and looks away and starts whistling when Brad looks behind them.)

Brad: "Nonsense! They love you, just the other day I heard Holly say you were like the daughter she never want-I mean had!"

Kaley: "But, everyone's being so mean today."

Brad: (vacantly) "They're PMSing."

Kaley: "But Bria-"

Brad: (Sternly) "P-M-S-ing." (He walks off.)

Director: "Okay people! Let's get moving! Places!" (Everyone takes their place.) "An-d ACTION!"

Billie: "Phoebe, I have to find my sister. If I don't then I might not have anything else to do but stand here and look pretty." (I groan, disgusted. God I hate this freaking show now.)

Phoebe: "She's been gone for 15 years! What makes you so sure she's not dead?"

Billie: (Starting to tear up.) "There's still a chance…" (She starts to leave the attic.)

Phoebe: "Billie wait!" (Billie turns around.) "Uh- uh… I'm your sister!"

Billie: "What?"

Phoebe: "Yea! That's right!"

Billie: "Omigod! Sister who's name I can't seem to remember!" (She runs up and hugs Phoebe tightly. Phoebe tries not to throw-up.)

LATER IN THE KITCHEN…

Phoebe: "…So now she's off looking for matching leather get-ups for us. I mean, I already have a whole closet full, but I wasn't about to say anything."

Piper: "You told her you were her sister? Phoebe, that's terrible! Now she's gonna be around 24/ 7!"

Phoebe: "Well I had to tell her something to keep her from leaving! What if she gets killed? Then what? Who's gonna go after demons for us?"

Paige: "You couldn't have told her, oh I dunno, that we'd help look for her later!"

(Phoebe shrugs. Paige throws her tea at her.)

Piper: "Ok! Stop fighting you two! I do enough of that with my now good for nothing husband, I don't need it from my sisters."

Paige&Phoebe: "Sorry,"

(Leo walks in with golf clubs.)

Leo: "Honey, I'm going golfing now."

Piper: "But you don't golf."

Leo: "I know, but since I became human I've become more pathetically usless compared to when I was a Whitelighter. So to pass the time and to keep from killing myself I've taken up golfing. So at least that way I can get away from your infernal nagging." (He kisses Piper on the cheek and leaves.)

Piper: "God, I sure hope no one ever tries to get rid of him. Because that would sure piss off a lot of people."

Phoebe: (looking around.) "Hey, where's Wyatt?"

Piper: "Around, I think."

WYATT"S ROOM…

(Wyatt's TKing knives and bottles of Phoebe's pills around baby Chris' crib and doing that creepy smile.)

DOWNSTAIRS…

Paige: "What about Chris?"

Piper: "Who?"

Paige: "I dunno… what were we talking about?"

Phoebe: "What to do with Billie."

Piper: "Right, Paige, it's your job to find some way to get rid of her."

Paige: (Whining.) "Why me?"

Piper: "Because she's your 'charge'!"

(Her and Phoebe get up and start walking out.)

Phoebe: "Oh and make sure that you get rid of her in some way were the cops can't trace her back to us."

Paige: "But…"

Piper&Phoebe: "Do it!"

(Paige mumbles)

(Holly and Alyssa watch as Kaley sits sadly in her 'trailer'. Which is actually just a tellephone booth…without the door.)

Holly: "My god, is there anything sadder than that?"

Alyssa: "Only drowning puppies….and there would have to be a lot of them."

Holly: (Shakes her head.) "Remind me again why we're best friends?"

Alyssa: "Because you don't wanna get kicked off this show."

Holly: "That's right. Ok, I gotta go check on that kid I had."

Alyssa: "Wyatt?"

Holly: "NO! My real son! Ah, Finley I think his name is." (She walks off.)

(Alyssa looks back at Kaley who's laughing at a bee flying around in her 'trailer'. She shakes her head and walks over to Brad, who's counting a big pile of (monopoly) money.)

Alyssa: "Brad, we need to talk!"

Brad: "About what?"

Alyssa: "About that Cuoco girl! I want her gone! Like Shannen gone!"

Brad: "I dunno Alyssa…" (Alyssa lifts up her top.) (trance-like) "Kaley, gone, got it." (She puts it back down and walks off.) (Brad blinks and looks around, confused.) –so that's how she does it, hmm.

MAGIC SCHOOL…

(Paige is talking to a demon who looks bored. He sighs and rolls his eyes.)

Paige: "…That's why I need you to kill this kid for me!"

Demon: "Why don't I just kill you? Then you won't have to deal with her anymore."

Paige: "No, cuz then I'd have to meet Prue. And that might be awkward seeing as how I replaced her in all."

Demon: "Sorry, as much as I'd like to kill this—Billie—I can't, I have to go get my arm hair bleached!" (He shimmers away.)

Paige: "Dammit! That's the 3rd one in a row!"

(From the shadows.)

"I'll take care of her for ya."

Paige: "Who's there? Show yourself!"

(A leperchaun dressed in a blue jumpsuit, holding a broom steps forward. Paige looks at his nametag, it says 'Hank'.)

Hank: "I'll kidnap her for 60, kill her for 70, and I'll teach her ta play piano for 75."

Paige: "Uh, the 2nd one. But you're a Leperchaun. And what's a Leperchaun doing at Magic School now that it's demon central?"

Hank: "I'm the night janitor. Why do you think this place is always so neat and clean all the time?"

Paige: (Shrugs) "I just always assumed demons were tidy folk."

Hank: "Well you assumed wrong! So do ya want this chick dead or what?"

Paige: "Suurre. Hey one more question. How come you don't have a Irish accent?"

Hank: (angrily) "How come you have boobs and a mustashe?"

Paige: "Two-shay…"(I have no clue how to spell that.)

Hank: "We'll talk more later, I have to go replace the Glade airfresheners."

Paige: "They smell nice, like…apples and cinnimon."

Hank: "It's citrus breeze you nimrod." (He disappears.)

A DARK ROOM….

(Brad is talking to someone, but we can't see who because their big leather chair is facing a window.)

Brad: "…S-so, that's why I need her gone. Please, I know you don't owe me any favors, especially after I spread that rumor that you said Rose was a nice girl… but it would really help."

(The chair turns around slowly. Shannen's sitting there with a smug look on her face. She's stroking a bald cat that is sitting on her lap.) (Looks closer) Oh dear god! That's Kit! What the hell did she do to Kit?

Shannen: "You're right, I owe you nothing. So if I agree to do this, what's in it for me?"

(Brad thinks for a minute.)

Brad: (timidly)"I'll give you more souls."

Shannen: "Hmm, yes, I could use more souls. I haven't eaten in days. Alright Kern, you have yourself a deal. I shall kill Kaley Cuoco."

(She extends a clawed hand and Brad reluctantly shakes it.) (Thunder and the sound of scared horses neighing is heard. Shannen laughs maniacly.)

THE MANOR…

(Paige runs up to the attic, screaming.)

Paige: "Piper! Phoebe! I did it! I found someone to kill…" (She notices Billie sitting in there with them. Messing with Phoebe's hair, putting bows and ribbons in it.)

Billie: "Someone to kill who?"

Paige: "Someone-to-kill…Britney Spears…Yea, I found someone to kill Britney Spears. I think it's way overdue…"

Billie: "I don't know, I kind of like her."

Piper: "Uh huh, that's real in-te-resting, but the big girls need to talk now if you don't mind."

(She starts pushing her out the door.)

Billie: "But…"

Piper: "Call ya when we're done!" (She slams the door and locks it.) "Okay, who did you get, and how much is it gonna cost us?"

Paige: "Well I found this Leperchaun janitor at Magic School named Hank, and he said he'd do it for $70, he said he'd also give her piano lessons for $75…"

(Piper and Phoebe look at her like she's stupid, which is ironic because Phoebe's the one with 70 IQ and hair retardedness…)

Phoebe: "A. Leperchaun. janitor?"

Paige: (nodding) "Named Hank."

Piper: "A Leperchaun janitor named Hank? Paige you twit! There is no part of that that makes any sense!"

Paige: "Well it's too late! I already set up the hit! So when he comes for the money you'll see him!"

Phoebe: (laughing) "Uh huh, we'd have to be blind not to see a Leperchaun janitor!" (She says this to the bookcase.)

Paige: (Waving her hand.) "Uh, Phoebes, over here."

Phoebe: "Wha, oh?"

Piper: "Paige, so help me god if one thing goes wrong I'll put you in the pit of eternal fire for a day!"

Paige: "We have one of those?"

Phoebe: "Yea, it's Piper's old closet…"

(Paige nods)

(Something hits the window. They go up to see Billie standing in the rain, shivering. Piper opens the window.)

Billie: "Can I come back in yet?"

Piper: "Uh, no-no! Not yet!" (She shuts the window.) (Paige and Phoebe watch as a car drives past, splashing Billie. They laugh.)

(Kaley is walking around the set, mindlessly. She walks up to the boys that play Wyatt. They look like they're plotting something…something… Evvell.

Kaley: (sweetly) "Hey boys," (She reaches down to pick one of them up but they hiss at her. They're forked tongues come out. She backs away.) "Whoa, ok, I've heard of terrible-two's, but that was ridiculous."

(From the shadows) yeesh, what is it with people and shadows lately?

Prue: "Dramatic effect."

Me: "Get out of here!" (I throw a book at her.)

Any-way…

(From the shadows.)

"Pssst, over here!"

(Kaley looks around then walks into the shadows..idiot. Someone puts a hand over her mouth.)

"Shh! Don't scream, don't say anything. Got it?" (Kaley's silent.) "Got it?" (Silence) "You can nod, you freak!" (Kaley nods and the person takes off their hand.)

Kaley: (Whispering) "Who are you?"

"Gah! Didn't I just-ugh, nevermind." (The person pulls back their hood. Oh, c'mon!)

(Kaley gasp)

Kaley: "You! Wait…who are you?"

Karis: "I'm Karis Paige Bryant…I used to play Jenny on the show before Alyssa had me kicked off."

Kaley: "What do you want with me?"

Karis: "History is repeating itself, someone's trying to kill you…"

BUM BUM BUM!

TBC…

Cliffhanger! I know, I put Jenny in and I'm making you wait for Billie to die. I'm a sick bitch, I know. But trust me, next chapter is gonna be really, really, extra, super duper GOOD! Ok, I need to lay off the sugar… Sugar and sleep depravation DO-NOT MIX KIDDIES!

So go review now bitches. I mean, lovely people who I love so much and would never say anything mean about! Heh heh…

Nicole/Shannen