CHAPTER 2: DIE BILLIE, DIE! The Alternate Ending!
A/N: That's right, I decided to do an alternate ending. Cool huh? I've never done one before.
Recap: Karis: Time is repeating itself, someone's trying to kill you.
Kaley: Bum! Bum! Bum!End Recap…
Karis: "What the hell was that?"
Karis: "Bum! Bum! Bum! What the hell was that?"
Kaley: "Oh sorry, it just seemed appropriate."
Karis: "Well quit it! This is serious! C'mon, I'll take you to headquarters."
(She presses a button on her watch and they both fall through the ground, there is a round table with a group of people around it. There are two empty chairs the girls are supposed to land on, but Kaley lands on the table, and Karis hits the ground.)
Kaley: "Oww, I'm…not okay. I think I broke something."
Karis: (standing up) "Just get up, nobody cares when people like us get hurt." (Kaley gets up and looks around.) (T.W King, Julian McMahon, that guy who played Jack, that chick who played Aviva, and Lori Rom (original Phoebe) all sit in a dark room, with a giant tracking system map on the wall.)
Kaley: "What is this place?"
Lori: (as the other 2 sit down) "This is under the Charmed set, and we are the 'Federation of Actors and Actresses Alyssa Got Kicked off the Show.'"
Julian: "Yea, FAAAGS was already taken, believe it or not."
Lori: "Anyway, we were all victims of Alyssa Milano's reign of terror at the WB."
T.W: "My character, Andy, was supposed to confess to Prue that the real reason he didn't want to be with her was not because of her magic, but because he was in love with Daryl."
Aviva: "My character was supposed to stalk Phoebe, steal her underwear while she was gone, and slit her wrists while she sat in her closet and watched as Phoebe slept." (everyone stares, Julian moves away.)
Jack: "Yea, well that's nothing, I was supposed to marry Prue and sacrifice myself when Shax tried to kill her."
Kaley: "Don't you mean, your character was supposed to do that?"
Jack: (shifty eyes) "Suurre…"
Lori: "And I was supposed to play Phoebe, until that bitch Milano came along and took control."
Kaley: "Who are you?"
Lori: (Crazy) "I'm Phoebe! I live with my sisters, Piper and Paige, and I'm happy happy! I'm a pretty girl, real pretty!"
Karis: (Whispering) "After she got replaced, her family disowned her, her husband left her, and she lost her job and her house. Now she lives with this chick named Ron in Soho."
Kaley: "Wow, that's deep stuff. But if you're all Charmed rejects, how come Shannen Doherty isn't here?" (Thunder booming and the scared horses are heard again.)
Julian: "Shh! We mustn't talk about the Cursed One."
Kaley: "Huh? Didn't you guys date?"
Julian: "That's nothing I'm proud of, thank you."
Karis: "When Shannen was 'let go' as we like to call it, she went insane, after vowing to get her revenge she retreated back to her Horse Ranch, she wasn't heard from until 2003, when she did Scare Tactics, but she got 'let go' from that, then again in 2004, when she was on North Shore. That got cancelled a few months later…they call it the 'Spiteful-Italians Curse' or 'Milano's Curse'…"
Kaley: "That still doesn't answer my question. That was just a bunch of useless exposition."
Jack: "Shannen works on her own, some say she's a hitwoman now, others say she's still looking for that perfect acting part that is in no way connected to Alyssa, but most say, she just sits in her house all day, watching season 1 and 2 re-runs of Charmed while using her Voodoo magic on her 5 share of the show, slowly sucking the essence from it, and the cast and crew."
Kaley: "You guys are freaks, I gotta get out of here, I have an episode to finish." (She stands up but Julian and Jack get in her way.)
Julian: "You're not going anywhere, we have reason to believe that Shannen is the one who's trying to kill you, and if that's true, not only is she going to kill you, but she's going to feed on your very soul. Where it shall face eternal torment for all eternity." (Karis shakes her head.)
Kaley: "Well then, what am I supposed to do? Wear a clove of garlic around my neck and get a stake?"
T.W: "She's not a vampire you idiot, she's a hired assassin."
Kaley: "That's what I said."
Julian: (muttering) "If Shannen doesn't kill her, I'm going to."
(Piper, Phoebe, and Paige are sitting in the attic.)
Phoebe: "Hey Piper, I have a question."
Piper: "Don't you always?"
Phoebe: "Yes, but this one has nothing to do with why you have dresses in your closet that strangely only fit Leo. How come we didn't hire Shax again? I mean, he did lovely work last time."
Piper: "Other than that broken wall we had to fix, and the 1000 gallon blood bath I had to mop up, yea he did. But I tried, apparently he has another hit that day…one of the Olsen Twins or something."
Paige: "Didn't we vanquish him?"
(Piper and Phoebe exchange a glance.)
Paige: "We didn't? Then why the fuck were you two so hell bent on vanquishing him? That's all I heard the first 2 months after I met you guys. 'We have to do it, for Prue!' 'I'm not shaving my armpits until he's vanquished!'"
Phoebe: "We had to be convincing, I mean, two very hot someones were bound to catch on sooner or later if we didn't."
Piper: "I already told you Phoebe, I did that thing with Cole and Leo, so we really didn't have to worry."
Phoebe: "Wait, I did that thing with Cole and Leo so they wouldn't get suspicious…"
Paige: "Well, it's nice to know this family is just one big giant cover-up conspiracy."
Piper: "Isn't it though? Anyway, I really don't think it would be wise to get Shax again, I mean, Leo might get suspicious again. And I don't know about you, but after I did that thing I was sore for like a week."
(Billie runs in and hugs Phoebe.)
Billie: "Sis! I missed you!"
Phoebe: (pulling away) I wish I could say the same. What do you want?"
Billie: "I wanted to see if you wanted to go see a movie with me."
(Phoebe flashes a fake smile.)
Phoebe: "I'd love to Billie, really, but I've already seen that one."
Billie: "Bu…I haven't even suggested one yet."
Phoebe: "Oh sorry, ok, which one do you wanna go see?"
Billie: "Well I was thinking maybe Art Sch—"
Phoebe: "Seen it."
(Just then Hank appears in a bowl of Lucky Charms.)
Paige: "What took you so long!"
Hank: "Sorry, do you have any idea what a pain in the ass it is to get across the magical plain this time of day?" (He pulls out a nail gun and nails Billie's feet to the ground. She screams really loud.)
Piper: (covering her ears.) "I'll be back. She screams like a freakin banshee. Call me when you're all done." (She walks out, leaving Hank, Billie, Paige, and Phoebe.)
Paige: "What'd she say?" (Phoebe shakes her head cuz she doesn't know.)
(Hanks pulls out his stick thing…eww that sounded dirty…and starts beating Billie's knees. She falls, her feet still stuck to the floor. Then, out of no where a rocket launcher appears. Hank aims it at Billie and launches it but the impact is so strong it blows up Phoebe and Paige along with Billie and Hank. When the smoke clears no one is left. Piper walks back in.)
Piper: (She looks at the mess.) "Ah hell no! If you people think I'm cleaning this up you got another thing comin." (She scans the room for anyone else.) "Where'd everybody go?" (Her stomach grumbles, she shrugs and goes downstairs for a sandwich.)
(Alyssa walk up to Kaley who is sitting in off-set looking over her script.)
Alyssa: "Hey Kaley,"
Kaley: "What's up Ms. Milano?"
Alyssa: "Please, Call me Alyssa."
Kaley: "Ok Alyssa."
Alyssa: "Uh…actually, you'd better stick with Ms. Milano. Anyway, I'm having a BBQ later and Holly and them are coming over and I'd love it if you could join us."
Kaley: (Hopeful, but also looking around for cameras.) "Really?"
Alyssa: "Yea, all you have to bring are some chips, drinks, sides, and some hamburgers."
Kaley: (sarcastically) "Sheesh, you want me to bring the grill too?"
Alyssa: (sweetly) "Would you? See you at my place at 7!" (She walks off and into Brad's office.)
"I don't want her in my house Brad! I'll have to have it fumigated after!"
Brad: "Not my problem, you just have to make sure she's nice and full."
Alyssa: "That's another thing, what the hell kind of hitman needs their hit to be full!"
Brad: "Well…they said it's always more fun when the target is full because they're slower."
Alyssa: (A little EasyBake Oven lightbulb goes off in her head.) "That sounds familiar. Someone who used to work here used to say that about the guys she date-raped….Brad, who exactly did you hire?"
Brad: (now piss-his-pants scared.) "Uh-uh, that's not my call to say."
Alyssa: (In a deep voice) "BRAD!" (she stomps her foot, it cracks the concrete)
Brad: (girly voice) "Shannen!" (his normal voice) "S-Shannen…I got Shannen alright! I saw her ad in the paper the other day and I thought it'd be fun to see her again. Besides, her references are fantastic! Heh, heh."
Alyssa: "I can't fucking believe you Brad, you're stupider than Kaley! Ugh, you know what? I'll beat you later, I'm late for a mani-pedi then I have to go cover every surface of my house in plastic before the BBQ. But I'm gonna warn you Kern, if Shannen ruins this for us I'm gonna make you wish you hadn't replaced Lori Rom with me, got it?"
"Good." (She walks out. As soon as she does Brad faints in a puddle.)
(At Alyssa's house, in the backyard. Everyone is sitting at a table with an empty plate in front of them, except Kaley who has a few.)
Kaley: (Pushes her plate back.) "Whew, I'm so full. I don't think I could eat another bite."
(Alyssa sets a pie in front of her.)
Alyssa: "Nonsense! C'mon, I made pie! Who doesn't love pie?"
Kaley: "No, really Alyssa. I feel as fat as a 4 month pregnant woman."
Holly: "What the hell is that supposed to mean!"
Alyssa: "Just eat the damn pie already!" (shoves her face into it.)
Brian: "Ok, I think I'll be heading out now. All this talk about pregnant chicks and pie is making me uncomfortable." (he gets up and leaves)
Rose: "Yea, same here. I don't know why, but one of my most terrifying childhood memories is my blonde Aunt Silvia getting drunk off her ass and drowning in my Mom's runny Cherry pie when I was 6, later." (She runs off)
(Kaley comes up for air just as Shannen comes over. Kaley's face is covered in blueberry filling.)
Shannen: "Eww, blueberry. Anyway, sorry I'm late. Your butler wouldn't let me in and he released the hounds. Lil bastards chased me half way down the block before I realized I had stashed some hot dogs in my back pocket this morning. So that got them off my case."
Alyssa: "Ok I didn't ask for your life story Doherty, just get on with it already. I'm sure seeing how the other half live must be depressing for you."
Shannen: "If by 'other half' you mean 'slutty Italians who haven't eaten since the late 90's' then not really."
Alyssa: "Oh! You wanna fight Squinty!" (She goes after Shannen but Holly holds her back.)
Holly: "Can this wait until after Kaley's dead please!"
(Kaley's lying in a pile if blueberry vomit. She looks up.)
Kaley: "What?" (burp)
(Everyone from FAAAKS runs out.)
Alyssa: "Hey, what the hell are you freaks doing in my house!"
Kaley: "I thought I told you idiots I didn't need your help?"
(Holly and Julian are making out in the corner.)
Julian: "You wanna get out of here?"
Holly: "Sure," (they leave)
Aviva: (trying to suck up to Alyssa.) "Yea, what are you freaks doing in Alyssa's house?"
Alyssa: "Who are you?"
Aviva: "I'm Aviva! Remember back in season 1 we had a moment…" (she shoots Shannen a nasty glance) "…Until Prue walked in."
Alyssa: "O-K, someone needs some meds."
Karis: (to Aviva) "You worked at Club Med? Cool."
Shannen: "Alright, this is getting really weird. So I'm just gonna kill you all." (She pulls out a flamethrower and burns Aviva, Lori,Karis, and Jack to a smelly-rejected crisp. Then she turns to Kaley and Alyssa and fry them.) "Whoops, sorry Alyssa, you got in the way." (She smiles) "Ooh, is that potato salad?"
And so Shannen, Julian, Holly, and Brian got their own spin-off. Rose had to be admitted to a mental hospital because those pie flashbacks kept giving her reoccuring nightmares and she thought that pie was really from another planet hell bent on world domination and that it was all a giant government conspiracy.
Alyssa's house was auctioned out on eBay, Brad bought it and soon after was killed by angry poltergeist.
The CrackMonkey's who weren't even mentioned once in this whole story were realeased back into the wild. All died because of Crack withdrawl symtoms.
THE END! No seriously, this is really the end this time.
Ok that thing was stuck in my mind for awhile. You try functioning normally when you've got that swimming in your head 24/7. PLEEZ REVIEW!