By Elle-05 and neofilly
Summary: Selling chocolate has got to be easier than defeating dark lords…. Hasn't it?
A/N This is just a bit of humour me and my best friend came up with on a long, long trip, and we went on to write it during the holiday that followed. It's a very different style from all the things I've previously written, so tell me if you like it, or if I should burn it and never try my to write humour again (either way is fine)
The idea was basically Elles, and the majority of writing done by me, with little bits here and there by Elle.
Based on a slightly true events
Neville walked into the common room. It was a particularly sunny day with bird singing, Hagrid chopping and willows whomping. Neville wondered who his first victim should be.
The Common room was filled with people without chocolate, and Neville decided this just wouldn't do. Luckily, the herbology club was raising money for a new whomping willow (because one just isn't enough) and decided to sell chocolate frogs.
Neville tried to work up some courage and make his way over to a group of ravenously hungry first years, but eventually gave up and made his way over to Ron, Hermione and Harry.
"'lo Neville" Ron said a bit too bored for his own good.
"Hey Ron," Neville smiled brightly, lighting up the room with his pearly whites, "Would you like to buy some chocolate?"
Ron's head popped up, eyes wide and unbelieving. "Chocolate?" Obviously his potions homework had been getting to him.
"Yes. I'm selling chocolate frogs for the Herbology club, we are hoping to get a-"
There was a stunned pause.
"Er…Well, I have plain, strawberry and peppermint." Neville stuttered, he was slowly getting the hang of this selling thing.
Ron peered at the wrappers, and considered them for a very short time. "Strawberry. Definitely Strawberry. Everyone should only eat strawberry."
Neville blinked, "Whatever you say. Its two sickles."
Ron took the chocolate before he waved his hand, "I'll pay you back later."
"Hey Neville," Hermiones voice came from between a mountain of books, "Could I have a peppermint?"
"Wait just a minute," Ron interrupted, and Hermione's head and body appeared along with her disembodied voice.
"What is it now, Ronald?"
"Why do you want peppermint? What's wrong with strawberry? Do you have a problem with strawberry? Are you biased against strawberries?"
Hermione was unperturbed by Ronald on his soap box. "No," she said patiently, "I just so happen to prefer mint; it clears your mind and helps stud-"
"Peppermint is Green."
A bushy eyebrow was raised, "Yes?"
"Do you know what else is green?"
"Oh I don't know, Ron." Hermione tapped her foot, obviously wanting to get back to her book pile, or she desperately craved the peppermint chocolate Neville was tentatively holding out to her. "Grass?"
"Wrong! Slytherin! What happened to all that Gryffindor Pride? First it was last weeks 'don't hex all the Slytherins Ron' and now you're eating their chocolate and you'll all be best buds in no time!"
"Not everything resolves around the Gryffindor-Slytherin war, Ron! I happen to like Peppermint Chocolate"
"Oh Yeah, well I just so happen to like Gryffindor, got a problem with that?"
"Oh Yeah. Sure you don't."
Neville looked nervously around him, and spotted Harry sitting doing his Divination Essay, and muttering.
"Neville! Just the person I wanted to see!"
Harry smiled brightly "Of Course! Now, do you think I should die two or three times this month?..."
"OOH! Maybe I should bring that big black dog back in! She loved that in third year." He scribbled something down onto the parchment, a broad grin on his face.
"Er." Neville was quite speechless, and he gestured wildly to Harry's two friends, who were still arguing with each other about House Pride, Loyalties and Chocolate.
Harry looked up at him confused, "Anything wrong?" his eyes drifted to his two friends, and back at Neville, like nothing was amiss.
At that point, a group of first years came over, making out something from the wild screaming about Neville and Chocolate, they had decided they also wanted some. By the time potions came, there wasn't much left.
Neville walked down to potions with Harry, Hermione and Ron.
Hermione was fuming. "I cant believe you ran out of peppermint chocolate."
Neville tried to stutter a reply, but Hermione cut him off.
"What are you so happy about Ronald! I might point out that Neville has only sold chocolate to Gryffindors and yet whilst he still has some strawberry left, he has no peppermint."
Ron's grin turned to a scowl, "…" luckily whatever retort Ron was about to mutter was cut off as Snape walked into the classroom.
"Open you text boo.."
Without missing a beat Harry turned to Neville and snatched the chocolates from him, saying in a sickly sweet voice "Sir, would you like some chocolate?"
Snape was momentarily bewildered before looking down at Harry a frown evident on his face "No Potter I would not like some chocolate. As I was saying…"
Harry turned to Neville handing the chocolates back and said "I solemnly swear on my honour as a descendent of a marauder that I will not leave this classroom until he has bought your last chocolate."
Harry waved his hand impatiently, a brilliant plan forming in his head "Nevermind."
Ron turned to Hermione "I bet you a dozen sickles he'll buy peppermint chocolate!"
"Really," Hermione raised her eyebrow, and Ron nodded feverently
Hiding a snicker she smiled, "You're on."
True to his word, after potions, Harry went up to Professor Snape, Nevilles box of chocolates in one hand, wand in the other. He smiled all too sweetly at his least favourite professor, who looked just about ready to bolt.
"Good Evening Professor!" Harry smiled.
Snapes eyes darted to the window, then to the door, and then back to his most-hated-pupil's smiling face making note of these useful escape routes. "Potter." He nodded stiffly, "Can I… help… you?"
Harry held up the box of chocolates, "I was just wondering-"
"would you like some-"
"chocolate, its really nice-"
"and beneficial to your health-"
"Low calories, high in sugar and protein-"
Harry frowned, this wasn't working. How was he supposed to be a good salesperson if he couldn't even finish his sentence? He decided it was time for a different approach.
He held the chocolates up slightly, towards Snapes face, smiling brightly again, "Chocolate?" he questioned.
Harry continued smiling.
Then he snapped.
"No! I do not want bloody chocolate, Potter! I learnt my lesson years ago, and I won't fall for it again! I don't even want to think about what evil hexes those chocolates are filled with."
Harry frowned, "its not hexed. I haven't touched them!"
Snape laughed bitterly "The last time I took chocolate from a Potter I ended up with red and gold coloured skin, pink hair and an entourage singing Christmas song Snape variations for a week. I will not make that mistake again"
Harry had to bite back a laugh, and stored it away to ask his godfather, "This is Neville's chocolate, and he didn't hex it."
Snape sneered, "That's what I'm afraid of."
There was an awkward silence, in which a couple of crickets chirped a sweet, awkward melody from somewhere in the vicinity to emphasize said silence. Snape sat down and flicked through some potions books, pointedly ignoring the boy-who-lived.
Harry leaned against the desk, "So, Professor," He started, partly to break the silence, but mainly because he really wanted to sell these chocolates. If he couldn't sell chocolates to an almost harmless potions teacher, what chance did he have against Voldemort? Of course, he wasn't going to sell Voldemort some chocolates (because that would just be stupid) so, it probably didn't matter… but he had to keep up appearances.
"Who do you think will win the next Quidditch match?"
Snapes brows furrowed, "Pardon?"
"Would you like some chocolates?"
There was silence. Harry was quite pleased, he had finished his sentence, at least, and although the silence wasn't promising business, he still was improving.
He decided to continue, "I personally think Ravenclaw has a pretty good chance, they've been booking up the pitch a lot, but Hufflepuff have Hannah Abbott as chaser and she's gotten a lot better this year." Harry looked at Snape, who was trying to ignore him, and decided to keep trying.
"I remember when we played Hufflepuff last game, she managed to grab the ball from right under Katie's nose, and I've always thought Katie was pretty good at what she does, but Hannah still got it. Anyway, so who do you think is going to win?"
Snape continued to read his potions book not answering the question, if it weren't for his irritated face Harry honestly would have thought he couldn't hear him.
"You know Professsor it's rude not to look at people who are talking to you." Sighing Snape put his book on the table and raise his angry eyes up to Harry.
"Are you still here?"
"Are you sure you don't want some chocolate?"
"Yes I am sure I don't want chocolate! How many times do I have to tell you to get it through your thick little Gryffindor head! Why wont you just leave me alone to my potions and quiet!"
"Why wont you buy chocolate?" Harry asked, his mothers green eyes staring pitifully up at his raging Potions Master.
Snapes eyes darkened to a disturbingly evil colour, as he said lowly, "all right. Give me the chocolate."
Harry passed one over tentatively, his potions master looked a lot scarier now with the evil eyes and the low menacing voice.
"ALL THE CHOCOLATE! AND GET OUT AND LEAVE ME IN PIECE!"
Harry smiled, "That'll be 6 sickles"
Snape practically threw the money into Harry's hand, before he glared at Harry, still standing there in the classroom.
"OUT!" He screamed pointing to the door.
Once Harry was finally out of the door, Snape slowly opened a creamy chocolate frog, and muttering under his breath, continued his reading and potion making, generally doing what cliché potions masters do.
Harry entered the common room with a rather large smile on his face, considering had just conversed with Snape. Hermione, Ron and Neville were sitting down in front of the fire, and didn't notice him when he walked up.
"Here's your money Nev," He said, still smiling brightly.
Hermione beamed, throwing her arms around her best friends neck "Oh! Harry, I didn't think that you would be able to do it!" The boy nodded happily.
Neville was amazed with Harry's bravery, "You sold all those chocolates to Professor Snape?"
Ron looked up expectantly, "Well?"
"Well what?" Harry looked and Ron, confused.
"He bought peppermint, didn't he? I KNEW IT!" The red head laughed happily.
Hermione looked at Harry expectantly, and Harry shook his head, "No actually, he didn't"
Ron was flabbergasted "but… he…i… what? but… he… bought the rest of the….." He glared at Hermione.
Hermione smiled brightly, "Well Ron, once again your brilliance amazes me! You owe me 12 sickles."
In the end, the Herbology club didn't get their whomping willow, ('whats the point?' Dumbledore had said, and was met with unblinking stares, who in the end, admitted that Dumbledore did have a point) but they were able to buy the giant squid a new friend, which didn't help herbology very much, but the squid appreciated it anyway.
A/N: I would like to say (again) that this random idea came from a long, long car drive, and school (which sells chocolate frogs), and is all thanks to Elle-05, who had the idea. I'm not very happy with the ending, but it will have to do, because at the moment I cant think of anything else.
I had to add in the squid bit. He's funny, if you want to read another humour piece mainly about the Giant Squids life, go read Waterlogged. Its funny, short and humorous. (MWPP)
But before you do that, please drop us a line, and review!
Thanks for reading.
Elle-05 and neofilly
Saturday 5th November 2005