Disclaimer: "If You Were Gay" is from Avenue Q, which I in no part wrote. Mark and Roger were created by Jonathan Larson, and the parody itself was inspired by Erik and Fae's It Sucks to Be Me parodies.
A/N: This is a parody of "If You Were Gay" that makes light of, while respecting, all the damn M/R slash there is out here. Any M/R obsessives who wish to flame me will be ignored. I am not doing this to offend you. Sure, I'm brutal, but it's supposed to be funny. Go forth open-minded. This was written in fifteen sleep-deprived minutes. I know it sucks. But I liked the idea and couldn't shake it. Constructive criticism, like telling me which lines suck so I can make this good, is welcome.


If We Were Gay

MARK
Aah, an afternoon alone with my documentary footage. No roommate to bother me with that goddamn Musetta's Waltz. How could it get any better than this?

ROGER
Oh, hi, Mark!

MARK
Hi Roger.

ROGER
Hey, Mark, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This lady was smiling and asking me questions.

MARK
That's very interesting.

ROGER
She was asking me about you and our relationship. And I think she was going to write a fic about us. I think she might've thought we were gay!

MARK
So why are you telling me this? Why should I care about another one of those? I don't care. How's Mimi?

ROGER
Oh, you don't have to overreact like that to it, Mark.

MARK
I'm NOT overreacting? What do I care about another slash writer you met, okay? I'm trying to cut my footage together.

ROGER
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Mark, as they'd all have you believe.
I just think it's something we should be able to make fun of.

MARK
I don't want to laugh at the confused people, Roger! This conversation is over!

ROGER
Yeah, but...

MARK
C'mon, Rog!

ROGER
Well, okay, but it's such a thought —
If we were gay
That'd be okay.
I mean, 'cause, hey
It is RENT anyway,
We know you hear
That if we were queer
We wouldn't fear
To say that we were queer
(But we're not queer.)

MARK
You're right! I mean, we love girls, so…

ROGER
We can't be queer

MARK
Of course not.

ROGER
Why would we be here?

MARK
Instead of making out or something…

ROGER
Year after year

ROGER AND MARK
We've been the dearest
friends!
And we know that you
Would accept us two

MARK
I mean, after all…

ROGER AND MARK
You love "No day but today!"
Hey, guess what, we're straight
(And that can be great.)
We're happy just being in fanfic

MARK
Mark/Maureens!

ROGER
Anything I'm alive in!

ROGER AND MARK
So why must it always be us who do it in bed with…

MARK
Isn't that sick?

ROGER
RENT is about tolerance. But…
If we were gay
We'd say hooray!
And then go play

MARK
Okay, now this is getting uncomfortable.

ROGER
In love we'd stay

MARK
You people seriously ship us?

ROGER
We'd be perfect if we were gay!

MARK
I am scared now.

ROGER
Despite HIV
In love we'd be,
Together every day,
Which we know is okay.
RENTheads are great that way,
They don't think it's risque,
They know it's DNA to be gay!

MARK
But we're not gay!

ROGER
No, we're not gay.
(Mark and Roger shake hands and hug, platonically.)