Lois: It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on TV.
Peter: But where are those good ol' fashion values…
All: On which we used to relyyyyyyy…
All: Lucky there's a Family Guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do, all the things that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and cry!
All: He's a family guy!
Cut to the outside of the Drunken Clam. Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe are drinking beer.
Cleveland: For Thanksgiving, I'm going sky-diving with my cousins and Loretta. It's a family tradition every Thanksgiving.
Peter: I have to buy the turkey this year AGAIN. It's gonna end up like last year when I bought the turkey.
Flashback. A drunken Peter is at the grocery store. Peter(slurring his words): Yeah, get out of my way! Peter takes a turkey and falls down. An old lady stomps on him and takes the turkey.
Present. They're still at bar.
Quagmire: I'm gonna- giggadigiggadigiggadi! Quagmire spots a hot looking girl.
Quagmire: Hey, you want to have Thanksgiving dinner with me?
I'll stick MY turkey inside of you, and it's between my legs- OH!
The woman slaps Quagmire in the face.
Cut to outside of the Griffin's house. Stewie and Brian are watching "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving"
Charlie Brown: And I'm thankful for all of us being able to come here.
Snoopy is hiding behind the outside window with a sniper rifle. He aims it right at Charlie's head and shoots him. Everyone runs around and Snoopy breaks through the window and shoots everyone.
Snoopy: Oh hell yeah! All this food is mine! Snoopy's smile turns into a frown and he puts his head down as the "Lonely" song plays.
Stewie: Hey doggie, how about we kill you and say that's our turkey!
Brian: How about no and say you did? Stewie: Oh- how about Lois or the fat man! Yes, Lois!
Someone knocks on the door. Lois starts running.
Lois: I'll get it!
Lois opens the door and it's the Police with Peter in handcuffs.
Officer #1: Does this man belong to you?
Lois: Yes, he does.
Officer #2: You've got some nice boobs. I just want to put chocolate sauce on them and lick it off.
Peter(slurring his words): Hey, that's my wife you're talking about! Peter slowly tries to punch him but misses and punches himself in the face.
Officer #1: Will leave him to you.
Lois: Peter, how can you get yourself arrested two weeks before Thanksgiving!
Peter(slurring his words): Yeah, well it wasn't like I was drunk driving! I was driving while I was drunk!
Peter fell down. An old lady came and kicked him.
Cut to a commercial. After the break the family is at the table eating breakfast.
Chris: Let's take Meg out of Thanksgiving like last year!
Flashback. Everyone but Meg was eating dinner.
Lois: Peter where is Meg anyway?
Cut to an unknown location. Meg has tape around her mouth while R. Kelley is unzipping his fly.
R. Kelly(singing): I'm gonna piss on you, yes baby piss on you!
Present. Peter is putting his jacket on.
Lois: Remember- avoid going the bar!
Peter: Alright, alright, stop bitching!
Peter runs knee first into his car and falls down holding his knee.
Peter: Hsssssss ahhhhhhh! Hssssss ahhhhhhhhh! Hssssss ahhhhhhhhh! Hssssss ahhhhhhhhhh!
At the grocery store, Peter's on line waiting to buy the turkey when a giant chicken comes from nowhere and attacks Peter and they begin fighting. Peter slams the chicken on the counter and tackles it through the glass on the door. A slugfest ensues as their fight stretches in the street and the chicken smashes Peter's face into a walking signal. They climb the top of a truck and start fighting each other and they jump to a building and fight in an office Peter smashes the chicken's head into a door and the chicken throws Peter out of a window and jumps out of it. Peter put a trash can over the chicken's head and punches it. The chicken throws the can off of him and finds a bottle full of gasoline and peter finds matches and a glass bottle. Peter smashes the bottle over the chicken's head and poured gasoline all over him. Hesitantly, Peter sets the match and throws it on the chicken, engulfing it in flames. Peter walks of with ripped up clothes and cuts and bruises. He is back in the store.
Peter: Do you still have my Turkey?
Bag Boy: No. Some old lady just took it and bought it herself.
They show that same old lady with an evil look on her face.
Peter: This is worse than the time I was on "What's Happening!"
Flashback. Cut to the set of "What's Happening".
Dwayne(different than how fat Albert says it): Hey, hey, hey!
Peter: Will you stop saying that!
Dwayne pulls out a gun.
Dwayne: Shut up cracker; don't think I won't do it!
Dwayne begins to twitch.
Present. Lois is at home pacing.
Lois: Where could Peter be? This better not be like the time Stewie went missing but was found at Michael Jackson's house!
Flashback. There are helicopters surrounding Michael Jackson's house.
Officer: Just let him go!
Inside, Stewie is dressed in bondage has Michael Jackson tied up at gunpoint.
Stewie: I'll do it!
Michael Jackson's smile turns into a straight face.
Present. Lois is sitting on the couch sad.
Brian: Are you sad? I know what will cheer you up!
Brian left. When he came back, he was wearing a banana suit with maracas dancing.
Brian: Peanut-butter jelly, peanut-butter jelly! It's peanut-butter jelly time, peanut-butter jelly! Now where he at, where he at, where he at, where he at? Now there he go, there he go, there he go, there he go! Brian stopped dancing.
Brian: Did that cheer you up?
Lois nodded and left. Brian started dancing faster.
Brian: Do the peanut-butter jelly, peanut-butter jelly, peanut-butter jelly with a baseball bat! Peanut-butter jelly, Peanut-butter jelly with a baseball bat(echo)!
Commercial. Now Stewie is sitting with Rupert.
Stewie: So Rupert. How do you think I should kill Lois? Oh! That's kind off malicious for my taste.
The door opens and Peter comes.
Peter: Iiiiii'm baaaaaack!
Stewie: Dammit, I thought the fat man was dead!
Lois: Peter, you're back! Just where were you?
Lois felt something poking her. She looked down.
Lois: You got a real turkey!
Peter: I can explain. Y'see, I bought a dead Turkey, but before I paid for it, a chicken attacked me and when I got back someone bought it. So I said, 'How about I help save the Turkeys and buy a real one without eating it!'
Lois: This has got to be your lamest excuse since the time you got our old house sold!
Flashback to seven years ago. There's a sign that says "Sold". Lois is packing up looking at Peter.
Peter: Um…my invisible friend sold it! Bad Marvin!
The Ghost of Marvin Gaye comes.
Marvin Gaye: What did I do?
Present. Stewie has a gun but and targets Lois' head. He shoots but Lois moves and hits Meg in the face.
Stewie: Blast! It's night and Peter and Lois are in the bed.
Lois: I'm so mad! How could you do this!
Peter: I know what'll help! Angry sex! Peter goes on top of Lois and the Turkey comes in. Peter gets up.
The turkey pecks Peter in the knee instead.
Peter falls and holds his knee.
Peter: Hsssssss ahhhhhhh! Hssssss ahhhhhhh!
In the morning a week later everyone is eating breakfast.
Suddenly, the Turkey comes and eats Stewie's food.
Stewie: Wahhh! That thing ate my food! Wahhhh!
Lois comes up to Stewie to comfort him.
Stewie(thoughts): Now's my chance!
Stewie takes a knife and tries to stab Lois but she moves.
Later that day, Lois and Peter are watching TV.
Meg(V.O): Ewww, that turkey barfed all over me!
Lois and Peter ran in and Meg was covered in puke.
Chris: Meg got barfed on, Meg got barfed on! Hahahahahahaha!
Meg: Shut up Chris!
She kicked him and they started fighting.
Cut to the Drunken Clam. Peter was bringing his turkey to the bar.
Joe: What's with the Turkey?
Peter: I'm trying to save the turkeys like the Bill Clinton, but I'm not going to eat them.
Cut to the White House in 1998. The Channel 4 News Team breaks into one of the rooms to spot Bill Clinton eating a Turkey.
Bill Clinton: What? This is a chicken, not a Turkey!
Bill Clinton: It's not like you wouldn't do it!
Present. Quagmire walks up to a woman with a Turkey in his hand.
Quagmire: Oh! Chicks dig men with turkeys!
Quagmire walks up to a girl with the turkey.
Quagmire: Want to come to my place?
The turkey jumps from Quagmire's arms and pecks him in the crotch.
Quagmire: Ow! That hurt! That made my crabs even worse!
Inside of Quagmire's pants, two crabs were talking.
Crab #1: I knew Quagmire should've stopped flirting with women all the time!
Crab #2: I know, he's gonna get kicked in the nads a lot!
Quagmire came with the turkey and threw it at him.
Quagmire: You can take that turkey, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass!
The Rock comes from nowhere and slaps Quagmire.
The Rock: Don't steal The Rock's lines you Jabroni!
Cleveland: Really, tell me why you got a real turkey.
Peter: I told you! Besides, I've been freaked out by Turkeys ever since I heard about what happened to my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather at the very first Thanksgiving.
Flashback. Peter's grandfather is at the Thanksgiving table.
Peter Griffin I: Ahh, for me to have some turkey and- oh my god, it's freakin' alive!
The turkey attacked Peter Griffin I as Indians began running like nuts around the table.
Cut to the grocery store. Peter is bringing his turkey to the store with him.
Peter: Out of my way, Turkey coming through!
Lois: Peter, why are you bringing your turkey with you here!
Peter: I'm being careful. Remember what happened when we first got Brian and left him home?
Flashback. Cut to the living room being a complete mess while Brian is chewing at the couch.
The family comes in and Lois drops her bag.
Stewie: Bad Doggy!
He throws a bag at Brian.
Present. Cut to Brian, Meg, Chris and Stewie in an aisle.
Stewie: Ooh! Canned meat! I bet the dog will love this! Fetch Doggy!
Stewie throws the can and Brian watches.
Brian: What the hell was that for?
Woman(V.O): Oh, what's this? A turkey? Nice Turk-AAAHHHHHHH!
Blood splattered everywhere and the turkey went on a rampage and destroyed nearly the entire store. Lois looked at Peter angrily.
Peter: What? Marvin Gaye's ghost did it! Marvin Gaye: Why do I always have to get blamed for everything!
Cut to home. The turkey is running around messing everything up.
Lois: That's it! It's the day before Thanksgiving, kill that Turkey!
Stewie tries to shoot Lois but misses and hits the turkey.
Feathers fly everywhere.
Peter: Well that was perfectly timed. I mean really!
Thanksgiving Day. Everyone is eating dinner.
Meg: Even though this barfed on me, it's pretty good!
Lois: Now what did we learn here?
Peter: Never have sex when a Turkey is in the house?
Stewie: Make sure that when killing your mother, always get more gear?
Lois: No, it's that no matter how much something screws up, we can have a good time!
All: Have a happy Thanksgiving!
Stewie runs at Lois and hits her with a plate that completely shattered once he hit her.
Stewie: That's what you get!