Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or McDonalds but I do own this story and any characters I make up!
Hyrule Snowball Showdown
Dedicated to Joanne for being an amazing friend.
Also dedicated to Ben for always making me smile.
Snow had covered the entire area of Hyrule field which could only mean one thing….
"Snowball fight!" People from all parts of the country screamed running around like headless cuccos grabbing any weapons they could get their hands on. Zelda stood on a large mound of snow in the centre of the field waiting for everyone who wanted to join in to arrive. Taking out a checklist she glanced down it.
"Ok since there are a good number of people wanting to take part we should sort ourselves into teams from our regions. So get into teams and think up decent names!"
People scrambled around until they were all finally teamed up. The teams are:
Kokiri Heroes - team members are Link, Saria and Mido. (How Saria and Mido can leave the Forest we don't know and frankly we don't care)
Lon Lon Survivors - team members: Malon, Talon and Ingo.
Zora Swimmers - team members: Ruto, King Zora and the zora who runs the diving game. "We're Zoras and we swim!" Ruto jumped up and down clapping her hands.
Kakariko Cannons - team members: Dampe, the cucco lady and crazy windmill guy.
Mountain Rollers - team members: Darunia, Goron1 and Goron2.
Hyrule Castle Cadets - team members: Zelda, Impa and the king.
Desert Dwellers - team members: Ganondorf, Nabooru and the carpet guy who sells bombchus in the desert.
Zelda returned to her spot on the snow mound to make the rules clear.
"Now that we have the teams in order here are the rules. Each team will have ten minutes to design a flag which they will need to keep safe to stay in the game. The last team with their flag still in the place they put it will be the winners!" She began handing out plain flags that the teams could do what they wished with. "Your ten minutes start now!"
Kokiri Heroes dashed to the entrance of the Forest where they would place their flag. Mido took out a pen and began scribbling on the flag.
"Mido what are you doing?" Link asked snatching the flag from him in mid scribble causing the pen to draw a mess all over it.
"Argh look what you've done!" Mido yelled taking Link's hat and running around in circles. Saria rolled her eyes sticking a leaf onto the flag since no one had any better ideas.
Up at the ranch the Survivors stuck a picture of a cow on theirs. "Well doesn't that look lovely." Malon began to sing Epona's song to celebrate. Ingo covered his ears beating himself with a pitchfork hoping to knock himself unconscious.
"So what will we put on here?" The zora asked Ruto and King Zora who sat there obliviously.
"Uuum how about my face!" Ruto suggested.
"How about not?" Her father interrupted her ramblings of ideas. "As pretty as you are Ruto darling we don't want people trying to steal it. Now since I am the king I will decide."
Ruto growled kicking the wall in anger. "You won't be for much longer." She sniggered, "not when they hear what you did to mother." Laughing wickedly she tripped falling headfirst into the waterfall outside the domain. A raindrop was made their emblem as the flag was placed on the ledge near the falls.
Down by Kakariko Village entrance the Cannons were silently conversing about their emblem. The cuccco lady wanted a cucco while Dampe wanted a grave.
"Go round go round why don't we have a cucco rising from the grave!" The windmill guy cackled crazily spinning around and around on the spot. In the end the trio decided on a windmill to represent their village.
Since the entrance to Kakariko was taken by the Cannons the Mountain Rollers were allowed to use the bottom of Death Mountain for their base. Sitting in a circle the Gorons swapped flag ideas. So far they'd come up with a cloud, a bomb flower and a pink fluffy bunny. "Oh Oh I know!" Goron1 jumped up, "how about a Goron?" The other two's eyes lit up, that was a prefect idea.
Zelda paced back and forth on the drawbridge that led into the Market. "We need something that represents the royals." She pondered thoughtfully.
"How about the Triforce?" Impa suggested.
"Hmm no I think that would be like saying 'we're better than you'. Even though we know we are better than them in this fight we can't make it obvious." The King made a good point. After much thought a picture of their royal bird was stamped onto the flag.
The final team Desert Dwellers weren't really bothered what they had on their flag. Ganondorf giggled like a schoolgirl bouncing up and down on the carpet guy's rug. "Say, why are you wearing a brush on your head?" He asked the carpet guy who got mad at that remark grabbing Ganondorf by the nose shoving him off the rug. "Owie my nosey pooh." Ganondorf sulked holding his aching nose.
"You could fit a double decker bus up that honker of yours." Nabooru chuckled to herself as she concocted a plan to win this thing. Ganondorf stood up causing her to laugh out loud. He had mud all over the back of his trousers, picking up the flag she stuck it to the mud then looked at her creation.
"Aaahh that's my butt print on our flag!" Ganondorf yelled flailing his arms in the air.
"I know, isn't it brilliant? Our motto can be 'If all else fails we'll crush you with Ganondorf's massive arse'" Nabooru placed the flag proudly in the ground.
Zelda took out a large microphone so all the teams could hear her. "Right everybody your time is up. Let the showdown commence!"
On that mark Link had already formed a battle plan.
"Mido stay here and guard the flag." He threw down a couple of weapons for Mido to use. "Saria come with me, I know who we can get first." Running across the vast field the two arrived near Kakariko Village entrance where it looked like the Cannons were building a snow wall to protect their flag.
"I'll distract the windmill guy while you take out cucco lady." Link handed Saria a cucco while he took out his boomerang. Carefully aiming Link tossed it around the windmill guy who span around and around trying to grab the flying object.
"Go round go round I'm going round and round!" He shouted becoming dizzy falling to the ground with a thud as Link pelted him with snowballs. Saria saw her chance dashing forward with a cucco pecking in her hands running right at the cucco lady who screamed in terror.
"No get it away! If I even touch a cucco I break out in goose bumps!" She continued to get chased by the Kokiri girl until she tripped over windmill guy who was laying still saying go round and round in a heap on the floor. Worrying that they were nearly out Dampe began shovelling up big piles of snow and chucking them at the others. Saria got hit dead on then bumped into Link who tumbled to the floor. Taking out a fire arrow he sent it shooting into the wall which fell down on top of Dampe leaving the flag free for all. Jumping up Link grabbed their flag holding it in the air triumphantly.
"Looks like Dampe just dug his own grave." Link laughed giving Saria a high five.
Up at the drawbridge Impa was getting ready to venture into the borders of Gerudo Valley.
"Don't worry I'll be in and out in minutes, you two stay here." Impa said before sprinting in the direction of the valley. Picking up some snow along the way she prepared her entrance. With cat like movement she leapt onto the cliff overlooking the Dwellers' flag, just as she was going to attack they spotted her.
"Enemy at something o'clock!" The carpet guy took out a few bombchus chucking them up the wall. Impa's quick reactions saved her as she cart wheeled down the cliff dodging the mouse like bombs going in the opposite direction. Landing behind Ganondorf she attempted to jump kick him but at the last second he span around grabbing her ankle in his hand. Taking a bite out of her shoe he grinned.
"Mmm never tasted a shoe so good, you'll have to give me the recipe." Nabooru appeared the other side of Impa suddenly shoving a carpet over her head. For the next few moments Impa felt herself being moved around onto the floor hearing giggling as it happened.
The Dwellers had rolled her up in the carpet and were now pushing her out into the desert.
"Bye bye, watch you don't get carpet burn." They waved rolling her out into the haunted wasteland not to be seen again until after the fight.
In the ranch Talon and Ingo were laying pitchforks down around the flag so if anyone came near it they would step on them getting a face full of fork. Malon peered around the entrance spotting someone coming in the distance.
The someone coming was Ruto pulling her father on a cart who was carrying a huge bucket of snowballs. Giving the signal Ruto ordered him to start throwing as she tried to enter the place. King Zora began to send a barrage of snowballs towards Malon who got smacked in the face several times. Tripping backwards she stepped on a pitchfork which shot up whacking her in the back.
"Haha looks like the Lon Lon Survivors won't be surviving for very long." Ruto grinned grabbing her father's now empty bucket. Moving into the ranch she shoved it over Malon's head then carried on into the main ranch field.
Talon and Ingo had craftily built a barrier of bails of hay around the flag making it impossible for someone to get through….or so they thought. Picking up a long pitchfork Ruto braced herself then ran like she'd never ran before holding the fork out in front of her. Ramming it into the ground she flung herself up into the air landing neatly on top of one of the bails.
"Ouch my foot! I've found a needle in this hay stack." She groaned pulling it out of her aching foot. Looking down she spotted the flag being guarded by a grumpy Ingo walking around it carrying a pitchfork over his shoulder mumbling inaudible things. Leaping off the stacks she landed on Ingo's back and without hesitation stuck the needle in his arm.
"You pesky little." He growled holding his arm in pain as she tumbled off him landing right on the flag. Yanking it from the ground she proceeded to hit him with it then did a victory dance.
Link told Saria to go help Mido guard the flag as he noticed Ruto and her father doing something at the ranch, this gave him a devious idea. Hurrying into the Lost Woods he dived into the pool that led to the entrance of Zora's Domain. As soon as he emerged from the dive he took out a microphone similar to Zelda's and began speaking in a low commanding voice to the lone Zora guarding the flag.
"Zora of Zora's Domain it is I your Lord Jabu Jabu! If you do exactly as I say you will be greatly rewarded."
The shocked Zora looked all around a little scared. "Yes my Lord what do you wish?"
Link held his hand over his mouth trying to hide the laughter amazed that this was actually working. "Ah yes I wish for you to do the chicken dance!"
The Zora began dancing like a chicken flapping his fins and bobbing his head back and forth to create the pecking motion.
"Do it like you mean it!" Link ordered. The Zora did it more forcefully this time adding clucking noises for the full effect. "Very good. Now take your flag and eat it!"
The Zora paused to think how weird this was but carried on anyway. Picking up the flag he started munching on the soft wood choking now and again. After a few minutes the flag had vanished, Link had knocked the Zora Swimmers out of the fight but he wanted a little more fun.
"Well done! Lastly when Princess Ruto returns I want you to bring her and feed her to me!" With that Link burst out laughing throwing the microphone at the Zora's head which caused him to fall flat on his face. Link dived back into the murky water ready to take out the remaining teams.
Back in the desert Nabooru was putting the finishing touches to her newest plan. Her and Ganondorf had been piling large amounts of snow onto carpet guy making him look like a snowman. Sticking some black stones into the top of the pile to create eyes they smiled at a job well done.
"Ok you know what you have to do, glide in there looking like a snowman then when they're unsuspecting snatch the flag!" So the carpet guy flew off to the drawbridge where the Hyrule Castle Cadets were wondering where the heck Impa had gone.
Just as he left all of the team members of the Mountain Rollers rolled unexpectedly into the Dwellers' area.
"I was prepared for this." Nabooru smiled bringing out a giant catapult she had been hiding in the fortress. Tugging on Ganondorf's sleeve she pulled him into the seat then using all of her strength she tugged him back letting go with a squeal of delight. The Gerudo King flew through the air smashing down right on Darunia like a ton of bricks.
"What? Did you think I was joking when I said we'd crush you with Ganondorf's butt?" Nabooru clapped her hands taking out a large golf club she had hidden in her trousers. "Now for the hole in one." She swung the club as a goron rolled at her at full speed. "Fore!" She yelled slamming the club at the goron sending it bouncing into a wall then swirling into the nearest hole. The Gerudo turned around noticing the flag had disappeared. "What the crap? Oh for the love of Din!" She screamed. The flag had caught on the end of her golf club, when she had swung it the flag had torn out of the ground.
"Nooo I'm melting!" Ganondorf cried sinking to the ground on his knees, "Melting I tell you!" Nabooru rolled her eyes deciding to go watch the rest of the fight.
The carpet guy zoomed past the Cadets on his carpet slamming into a wall, Zelda stared at the snowman oddly, seeing as how the Dwellers were now out she shrugged it off preparing to attack the Mountain Rollers' base not knowing that no one was even there anymore.
"It's time for the big boys." She smiled slyly putting on a pair of shades clicking her fingers. An enormous yellow dump truck drove out of the market carrying a trailer full of freshly shovelled snow. Slipping on some driving gloves the princess jumped into the driver's seat waving to her father to stay there.
"Zelda can you even drive that thing?" her father asked anxiously.
"Of course I can't!" Zelda replied driving off in the direction of Death Mountain. Entering the village the truck smashed through the welcome sign knocking over anything in its path. Losing control of the vehicle Zelda accidentally crashed into one of the houses reducing it to rubble. "Oh well, it will only take about seven years to rebuild." She drove up the steps ready to dump the snow on the team but saw no one was there. Leisurely getting out of the truck she skipped over to the Rollers' flag neatly plucking it from the ground.
Link, Saria and Mido stood at the edge of the field piling up snow to create one massive snowball. Having one last team pep talk they commenced rolling the snowball up the field.
The king was standing very bored by the Cadets' flag. Suddenly he saw the biggest snowball he had ever seen hurdling towards him at break neck speed, with no time to get out of the way the king was squashed into the moat by the snowball leaving the flag free for the Heroes to grab.
"Oh no you don't!" Zelda yelled from her seat in the truck. Scanning the buttons inside she spied the eject button. Thinking it would empty the snow all over them she hit it swiftly. "Aaaaahhh!" She screamed. The eject button had been for her seat not for the snow. The princess shot through the roof of the truck and went flying over the land ending up smashing through one of the barns of Lon Lon Ranch.
Link back flipped over to the flag lifting it in to the air. "Yeah we win!" He smiled.
"Not so fast Link." Ruto came over to them, "we have to check that your flag is still there."
All of the team members who were still there made their way quickly over to the Forest entrance. Link gasped in horror.
"Wha where's our flag?"
"Look!" Malon shouted pointing to a small group of people running across the field carrying what looked like a flag…and a bunch of hats. Link growled chasing after them waving his arms in anger. As he got nearer they started making ripping noises tearing up the hats they were carrying.
"No not that, anything but that!" He pleaded seeing them destroying the flag and copies of his beloved green hat. He withdrew his sword ready to pounce. "You freaks of nature will pay for hurting those hats!"
The rest of the group watched a flustered Link running across Hyrule field chasing a gang of hat rippers.
"He really needs to get a life." Ganondorf snorted.
"I guess that means nobody won." Saria sighed.
"At least we all had fun, anyone fancy some cake?" Malon asked walking back to ranch. Everyone agreed and headed after her.
And so the snow continued to fall over Hyrule field, Malon invited them all over for cake and coco and all was well. As for Link, he wasn't seen again for five days. When he did return he was carrying a load of ripped hats and a McDonalds cheese burger.
Merry Christmas and remember never drive a dump truck full of snow unless you know what the eject button is for!