Note: This is just a short li'l one-shot I started a while ago
and recently decided to finish. I think it's because, ever since
someone suggested the new Batgirl and Robin together (like their
predecessors before them), I've liked the idea. Anyway, this is set
after the Fresh Blood crossover because that left a little too much
unsaid, in my opinion at least. So, yeah. That's about it!
Disclaimer: Poor college student, party of one. A.k.a. I own nothing, DC Comics does.
"He finds me attractive.
"When he looks at me… when we spar… I can see it. I… read people. And I can read him like an open book. He wraps it up tightly, buries it deep inside but, still, I can see it. Just like Batman. He's a lot like Batman. And… nothing like him, at the same time. A… confusion? No, that's not what Oracle said. He's a… conundrum. Yes. A mystery.
"We fought once. Really fought. It was… bad. He said things… and meant them. I… did too. Words aren't my weapon. I can't… use them like most people. My dad… he didn't teach me that way. But the body. That, I can read. And his body… it told me more than his words ever could. He was so… passionate. So angry. Angry with me. And with him. Batman.
"Afterwards, we sat together. All I could think of was that time on the roof of his house. It wasn't so long ago, not really. But it feels like another lifetime. After everything - the war, the deaths… it might as well have been. I'd been following him for some times. Batman's orders. He was in danger. I wasn't sure why but… I trust Batman. And I heard him argue with Stephanie. Spoiler. Robin then.
"And… I knew she wouldn't make it. I just wanted to help. Stephanie was my friend. I thought… I thought it was the right thing to do. I should've known better though. Batman told me he'd figure it out. Too smart for his own good, whatever that means. He asked me why I was there and then, I'll never forget this, he said, 'Come on. We aren't exactly friends.'
"That… hurt. Not because he was wrong but because he was right. Because… it's hard for me to make friends. My language skills are… remedy- no. That's not right. Remedial. Yes. I'm not stupid but… it's hard to communicate. Thanks to my father. And I was angry too. Angry at him for telling the truth. So I returned to my guard. Hurt and angry. And confused. Because… why should I care, if we're not friends?
"I don't why I finally broke the silence. I guess… I guess I wanted to try and… understand. He'd said things to me. Horrible things. I could hear his words over and over again in my mind. 'You're just his tool.' And it hurt. 'I'm sick of him! I'm sick of you! Get your own life! Just leave me ALONE!' Because he meant every word of it. Every word of it.
"But nothing was solved. Not really. We… agreed to disagree. What does that even mean? I understand the words. But the… the senta– no, sentiment. The sentiment is lost on me. All I know is that we aren't going to be a team anymore. Batman… he wouldn't like that. Me, on my own. He doesn't trust me. Yet. But I'm… excited. Mostly. Doing things my way. Finding my way. Exciting.
"I still don't know what it means though. That he finds me attractive. Or that he enjoyed beating me. I don't understand… him. He is still a conundrum. A mystery. Maybe… maybe he always will be. But I… I want to solve it. Like a detective. Like Batman. Not just because of Batman. But also because… because I want to know how I feel.
"I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been… normal. Had normal relationships. There was this one… once… I – I can't talk about him. He was… is… still in my heart. My thoughts. Like Stephanie. It's too hard. But what I've lost… it's nothing compared to what he's lost. Everything he's had taken away from him. All because of Batman. Because he wanted to find Batman. Because he wanted to help. For his own reasons and no one elses.
"He's unlike anybody else I know. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me or if the attraction is just to… how I look. Superboy was attracted to how I look. He, er… he made me uncomfortable. Sometimes. But he meant well. I made him nervous. It was… funny. I don't think he's like that, though. I don't know but he's always been so… so nice. Kind and considerate. Not, uh, not like Superboy.
"I don't now. I guess… I guess I don't really know him. I thought I did but… he's right. I think he might always be right. He's so… smart. A million times smarter than me. But I'm going to find out the truth. What he feels. How he feels. Something. And the same about myself. Because… because I want to know. I want us to be friends. I want…
"I want to do right by him. Like Batman never could. I'm going to be better than that. Better than Batman. Or, I'm going to try, anyway."
Cassandra clicked her tape recorder off and looked at it for a long moment. Talking it out felt… good. Mostly. Some of it still… hurt. Yeah. But, the rest – good. She stared for what felt like forever, then slowly reached for the rewind button. There was no whirling noise or tiny little wheels moving at the speed of light. There was just silence and then a click. She stared at it for another moment, then clicked erase. Some things, she decided, were private. Only for her to hear.
On the roof, there was the tiniest of sounds as a grappling hook was released and a body flew the coop. Robin. Tim. Cassandra watched him go. So, he'd heard it all. That was… okay, she decided. She still didn't know what it meant – any of it. But that was okay too. He was the conundrum. Enigma. Mystery. The one for her to solve. She smiled softly, as she slid off her bed and started to change for the night. And she wouldn't have it any other way.
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