Family Guy

The Real Meg Griffin Part 1

Opening Credits. Cut to the outside of the Griffin house with Peter coming in.

Peter: Guess what! My Uncle John is coming!

Stewie: Oh great, another one of the fat men coming to fart up the place!

Brian: Stewie, that's not the way to act, you don't know if he's fat or not.

Stewie: Yeah, well I know that you're a black and white doggy who's related to Snoopy!

Flashback. While all the other dogs are being nursed, Snoopy is lighting up a cigarette as Brian comes up to him.

Brian: Hey, big bro', can I have a cigarette?

Snoopy: (sighs)they all ask! Here, just take it! Jesus Christ, I'm tired of curious little brothers!

Cut to the living room. Lois is talking to Peter.

Lois: When was the last time your uncle visited anyway?

Peter: I think it was 1997, I know he didn't meet Stewie.

Stewie: Oh hell! That fat sack of crap will just eat me!

Stewie goes up to Peter and kicks him in the crotch.

Stewie: That's what you get for coming from a family full of fat pieces of (bleep)! And whoever's at the studio pressing the censor button is on my death list!

Lois: I think somebody needs a nap.

Lois picks up Stewie and brings him upstairs as Stewie tries to get out of her grip.

Stewie: No! I don't want take a nap! Damn you!

The door opens and Chris and Meg come in.

Chris: Hah hah! Meg got gum all over her face!

Meg: I hate you guys!

Meg runs upstairs and then falls down.

Stewie(v.o): This is my house!

Smack noises are heard.

Stewie(v.o): Ow, ouch! Stop spanking me you devil mother!

Later that day, Peter is putting his jacket on.

Lois: Remember; don't forget to pick him up like last time with your aunt!

Flashback. Peter drives away and his aunt watches him leave.

Peter: This is gonna be great! Wait until you see Stewie!

Peter saw no one there.

Peter(like how Darth Vader said it at the end of Revenge of the sith): Noooooooooooo!

Present. Peter is outside the airport as a forklift carries Peter's uncle to him.

Peter: So, how was your ride on the plane?

John: They put me on a 747, those bastards!

Cut to a few hours ago. Two people are trying to push John in the plane.

Worker: Push! God, you need liposuction!

Present. A truck comes.

Driver: You're going to need help putting him in the car, so we got a truck to put him in.

Peter: That's fine. I have experience with this.

Flashback. Workers are trying to push a tank in a truck.

Peter: Oh for God's sake, I said push in the tank WITH the whale in it!

Present. Cut to home. Stewie and Brian are watching TV.

TV Announcer: We now return to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Will: Yo Uncle Phil! Can you take me to the movies? I'll get the truck to carry you.

Carlton comes.

Carlton: Will you stop with the fat jokes!

Will: Sure, as soon as you're at least four feet tall!

Stewie: Gosh, that Will Smith and his size jokes!

Suddenly, sounds of a truck backing up are heard.

Peter: Met my uncle John!

John slowly comes in.

Stewie: Godzilla!

Stewie comes with a few missiles and fires them but John sucks them in.

Stewie runs to sit down. John comes and sits on the couch and is all over Brian and Stewie.

John: Is the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? I love that show!

John pulls a burger from his stomach and eats it as he gets comfortable on the couch, crushing Stewie and Brian. He blows a load of huge farts.

Lois: Hello Joh-

Lois drops her coffee

Lois: Oh...my…God!

At the dinner table, Stewie and Brian are bruised up and everyone else is eating dinner.

John: Gosh, this dinner is so good.

Stewie: I'm wouldn't be surprised if you have five dinners today!

Lois: Stewie!

Stewie: Well, look at him.

Lois: That's enough!

She carries Stewie upstairs.

Stewie: This is worse than the time I beat up Lois's protégé!

Flashback. Stewie is beating a kid with a stick as Lois enters in.

Lois: Stewie!

She spanks Stewie.

Stewie: Ouch! Ouch! Oh God!

As they're eating, John stomach literally ENLARGES and he blows a huge fart. The chair he's sitting on breaks.

In the morning, Peter tries to wake John up, but John doesn't get up.

Peter: Lois!

Lois comes up.

Lois: What!

Peter: Uncle John won't wake up!

Lois checks for a pulse.

Lois: He's dead!

Stewie(v.o): Hallelujah!

Peter kneels down and begins crying. This part is drawn out for nearly a minute.

A few days later, a funeral is held. Stewie starts pointing at girls.

Stewie: I'd do her, I'd do her, I'd do her. Oh, who hasn't done her!

Man: And our undertaker is none other than…WWE Wrestler, The Undertaker!

The Undertaker comes with his bat costume, the one he wore from 1997 to 1998.

Peter: Hey wait a minute! Wrestling's fake, so you're not really an undertaker.

Undertaker: How dare you call me a fraud! I'm gonna put you in that casket with your uncle, boy!

Undertaker gives Peter a Tombstone Piledriver and tries to put him inside of the casket.

Peter: I don't wanna go in!

UT opens the casket. A casual conversation begins.

Undertaker: Oh, no wonder you didn't want to go in! That-that's a sack of crap. I mean really!

Peter: I know, I suggested gastric bypass surgery, but he didn't listen.

Undertaker: Wow. That might be why he died. He should've gotten the surgery like my manager, Paul Bearer.

Peter: Oh, Paul Bearer's here? Oh, there he is?

Undertaker: God, he's fat. How many chins does he have?

Both: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

Undertaker: Wow. That-that's a lot of chins. 12. Yeah, he was really fat. That's a lot of stomach. Wow, no wonder that casket was huge.

Peter: Yeah I know.

Undertaker: Double wide, double deep. If I knew who he was, I would've made it myself.

Peter: I told him to get liposuction too, but he said it was too expensive.

Undertaker: Gosh, well all that money would've paid off. What was I talking about again?

Peter: Something about burying me alive.

Undertaker: Oh yeah, that's right!

UT rolls his eyes into the back of his head.

Undertaker: I am gonna bury you alive!

UT grabs Peter by the neck, goes towards the grave, lifts him up and throws him in. He starts putting in dirt as Mankind comes and attacks him with a shovel. He pulls Peter out of grave and beat's UT with the shovel while he's KO'd.

Mankind: And that's for what you did to me a King of the Ring!

Mankind throws UT in to the grave and kicks the casket in as well. He then fills the grave with dirt.

Cut to the family in the car.

Peter: I guess wrestling isn't fake! Undertaker and Mankind really hate each other!

Lois: Well that was a funeral gone wrong!

Stewie: I wonder what happened to The Undertaker. It seems as though we'd share the same interests like I did with his brother.

Flashback. Stewie and Kane are playing with fire.

Stewie: Gosh, this is so great. How about we kill my mother?

Kane: That'd be good. I can control fire 24/7, and my face can distract anyone!

Stewie: What do you look like under it?

Kane takes off his mask.

Stewie: Aah! Oh my God! You're so freaking ugly!

Cut the Griffin home. Lois is watching the news.

Tom Tucker: A fatass from Michigan named John Griffin recently died. His funeral went wrong with The Undertaker being the undertaker at the funeral. Hey, that has a ring to it!

Diane: According to witnesses, The Undertaker tried to bury John's nephew alive but was attacked by Mick Foley. Investigators found Undertaker buried alive with his casket and is receiving medical attention while Mick Foley is being investigated.

Cut to an interrogation room at the Quahog jail. Mankind is being interrogated.

Mankind: Oh, come on, this is more ridiculous than when my mom made me live in the sewers!

Flashback. Mankind's mom opens up a hole in the sewer while a young Mankind is watching.

Mankind's mom: Now go.

Mankind: Do I have to?

Mom: Go!

Mankind slowly and nervously climbs down the sewer.

Present. Lois goes up to Peter, who's using the computer.

Lois: What are you doing?

Peter: I'm doing one of those family searches. Did you know that my ancestor was the one who discovered fire?

Cut all the way to the B.C times. Peter's ancestor is walking around and a bear is attacking him.

Peter's Ancestor: Stay back!

His stick gets struck by lightning and fire comes from it. He scares the bear away.

Peter's Ancestor: With this, I shall call it fire and rule the world!

The fire goes out of control and Peter's ancestor is flames as he starts running around screaming.

Present. Peter clicks on "Meg Griffin" and finds a different picture of Meg. It's a completely different person.

Peter: Whoah! Holy freakin' crap, there are two Megs!

Lois: No, that's probably just an error.

Peter calls Meg.

Peter: Hey Meg, look at this picture!

Meg: Whoah! Does that mean I'm not really part of this family! SWEEET!

Peter: Let's search for Mg on Google.

Peter types in "M", and because of the pre-fetch feature, it shows a bunch of pornstar names. Lois looks at Peter.

Peter: What?

Peter does his famous giggle. He types in "Meg Griffin". He finds a page that says that she's lives at some address in Michigan.

Lois: Michigan! We can't afford plane tickets after what Peter did!

Flashback. A drunken Peter is buying airplane ticket.

Peter(slurring his words): And I'd like one for Missouri, Arizona, Philadelphia, New York, Mississippi, Miashshhijdjj…

Peter falls down.

Present. The family is sitting in the living room.

Lois: So Meg isn't actually Meg!

Chris: Hah Hah. Meg isn't Meg! Wait.

Lois: So we're going to have to bring her to her real parents in Michigan.

Stewie: Finally, I don't have to deal with constant bitching and complaining!

Meg: Shut up Stewie!

The family gets into the car. As they're driving, Peter stops at the bar. Afterwards, Peter comes back drunk. He starts driving all over the place and gets stopped by a Police car.

Officer: You seemed to have been driving a little out of control.

Peter: I know what will change your mind!

Peter pulls up his shirt.

Pause.

Officer: Step out of the car please.

Peter walks out of the car.

Officer: Now walk around in a circle.

Peter walks all over the place.

Officer: Here's a ticket, now don't drive under the influence.

The officer looks at the camera.

Officer: Remember- You drink, you drive, you LOSE! Did I look god? Yeah, I know!

Meg: When I leave, I won't have to deal with embarrassment anymore!

They arrive in Michigan.

Peter knocks on the door.

Peter: Hello!

Someone opens the door.

Man: We don't like to use the word "hello", as it has hell in it. How do you do?

Pause.

Meg: You know what, I can stay with you guys!

Lois: No, we have to see your parents. Hi, my name is Lois.

Man: My name is Adam. Do come in.

Peter: I agree with Meg, I want to leave.

Adam: This is my wife, Eve, and my daughter, Abel. We are the Barcolas!

Peter: Are you guys religious.

Adam: Why, yes.

Lois: Did you adopt Abel?

Eve: Yes we did, why do you ask?

Peter: Because this girl right here is your real daughter!

Abel: WHAT! You mean that fatass an that orange-haired bimbo are my parents!

Eve: Uh…Uh…Yes, we have a confession to make. You see, when you were born we had fear that Abel, and I'm talking to the girl in the red hat that's heavy-set.

Meg: What'd you call me?

Eve: We had fear that you would be against our religion, so we gave you away.

Meg: WHAT! You made me deal with all of the crap that I've gone through because of religion.

Peter: And me and Lois gave the real Meg away because we wanted to be with the in crowd.

Abel: Hey, I'm down with that.

Meg: Well besides, I'm catholic.

Abel: We are too, so are fears are unfounded.

Peter: Stop using big words!

Pause.

Peter: You won't believe some of the stuff that's happened to your daughter. She befriended a cult-leader, got shot by arrows, kissed a pig, kissed the nerd she despises most on camera, got sold to that same kid, and the best part is that she slept with Jimmy Fallon on TV!

Adam: It looks like she needs spiritual healing. We'll take her.

Meg(like how Darth Vader said it): Nooooooooooo!

Darth Vader: Noooooooooo!

Abel: You guys seem cool, I'm staying with you guys!

The Griffins leave while Meg er…Abel stays.

Meg: Life is gonna really suck now!

To be continued...